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Old 10-21-2009, 05:18 AM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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Default Introducing... me!

Well, my husband (J) and I have been married for nearly 8 years. We started out having a plain old vanilla marriage. He's been married before and the relationship was not a good one. She was verbally (and sometimes physcially) abusive to him. His ex-wife used sex as a weapon/tool to get what she wanted in their marriage. She witheld it for months at a time and then made him feel perverted for it when she'd finally give in. Not healthy at all!

So, it took much time and trust-building for him to open up to me and feel safe telling me his turn-ons & fanatasies. I did confess to him early on that I was bi-curious and would like to someday explore that side of my sexuality. He thought it was sexy, and my willingness to be open about my sexual "fantasies" encouraged him to open up to me.

Eventually, talk turned to another woman in the bedroom because of my bi-tendancies. I had to explore whether I'd feel jealous if there were interaction between him and the hypothetical other woman. To my surprise, I discovered the idea was actually appealing. Naturally, talk turned to the possibility of me being with another man and my husband at the same time (tables somewhat flipped but with no interaction between the two men.) To my surprise, my husband found the idea sexy and appealing. Much, MUCH discussion and great sex ensued!

When the opportunity presented itself to involve another woman, we explored it together and it was wonderful! Unfortunately, it was a short-lived relationship. We eventually met a couple and did more exploring, finding that it strengthened our marriage and bond, as well as fueling our sex life in a positive way.

There have been draw-backs along the way. I'm very limited in who I'm attracted to. I hate to sound shallow, because it's not just about looks. For me, it's a package deal and I place a lot of emphasis on intellect and personality. My husband, God Bless him, is satisfied with a kind heart, warm soul, and willing body. If she's an honest, down-to-earth woman with a sweet personality, he's attracted. I'd like for him to find a GF, given his sex drive being higher than mine. He's pushed for me to find a BF that I'm attracted to (he's given up on finding a couple where I'm attracted to both the man and the woman!)

But, although I'm willing to let him "play" alone w/a GF, he wants to place a stipulation on any BF I have that he also be allowed to "play" from time to time. He doesn't want me seeing anyone while he's home (he works away from home for 3 weeks, then is home for 3 weeks.) That's a long time to expect a BF to be neglected! He's having some insecurity issues w/my time & attention.

I should mention that I have ADD (attention deficit disorder) so there are times in the past that I've gotten sucked into work, the computer, the kids, life in general... and haven't given him the amount of attention he feels he needs. I'm working on that.

I should also mention that in the past he has almost demanded every spare moment I have in order for him to feel like I love & value him, making it impossible to give him "enough" attention for him to feel secure. He's working on that.

Lastly, I should mention that I type 90 wpm (before you subtract for errors) and I'm prone to long, rambling essays instead of posts. If you get annoyed, just stop reading!

-MS
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Old 10-21-2009, 11:38 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by midnightsun View Post
There have been draw-backs along the way. I'm very limited in who I'm attracted to. I hate to sound shallow, because it's not just about looks. For me, it's a package deal and I place a lot of emphasis on intellect and personality.
Why would you think this makes you "sound shallow"?

I always thought "shallow" was when someone was attracted to people ONLY because of what they look like, not who they are inside.
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Old 10-25-2009, 02:40 AM
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Ygirl - I think she was saying, "I'm not shallow, I'm not just about looks." You are in concurrence.

As for midnight sun, I am jealous of your 90wpm because I too, am a rambler... but more of a 35wpm rambler so it takes me much longer to type my long winded, meandering, tangential posts.

Sounds like your hubby is a little afraid that if you have a BF you might start to like him, love him.. "too much" i.e. more than your husband. I don't see there being a problem (logically) with you visiting a BF while hubby is home if he has a GF to go to? He might not be getting YOUR attention, but he'll be getting attention.

I'm a little unclear. Are your relations more of the swinger (purely or mostly physical) variety or are you talking about developing more intricate ties with BF and GF? Not here to judge, just to understand the dynamic. and to interject that if it is more "swingerish"
(note that "swinger" and "poly" and other terms might have different definitions to others, these are just mine) then it is maybe easier to appease your husband's fears about your level of intimacy with another man.
idk. then again, maybe not. There is physical and emotional and other forms of being close. One thing I decided to toss out with monogamy was the rating system. Who's prettier, Monique or Mary? Who's smarter, richer, funnier, more playful, more adventurous, has more time, is more of a challenge... &c. Who cares? Each individual relationship has it's own merits. Maybe Mary is not as physically adept as Monique. Maybe she's in a wheelchair! But obviously I'm interested in her for some reason (because she gets the best parking spaces? *evil grin*) and I would rather focus on who she is to me rather than who she is to me in relation to someone else.

If that makes any sense at all. I'm suggesting that a way around insecurity is to realize that all of our relationships with GFs or BFs or BFFs can stand alone on their own individual merit. no comparisons needed. Most of the time it's apples and oranges anyway. How do you compare a spinach salad to a lasagna? I find them both delightful but hardly alike at all. You could compare them and try and find out which is "better" based on nutritional value, price, tangyness, spice, aroma, how well they go with a Cabernet Sauvignon, &c. but why? Esp. when it's not food you're talking about at all, but human beings. Why not enjoy each for what it has to offer without the comparisons.

Okay, I just realized I'm soap boxing on an issue that might not even be an issue. Or rather it started with insecurity so it sort of is but... yeah.
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Old 10-25-2009, 02:42 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Yeah you are right. I misunderstood that part.
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Old 10-25-2009, 07:21 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Thanks for the intro and detail MidnightSun, and don't worry about long posts, there are more than a few people here blessed/cursed with that same tendency (though I also stand in awe of your mAd tYpIng SkIllZ).

Welcome!
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  #6  
Old 10-25-2009, 11:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion View Post
Ygirl - I think she was saying, "I'm not shallow, I'm not just about looks." You are in concurrence.

As for midnight sun, I am jealous of your 90wpm because I too, am a rambler... but more of a 35wpm rambler so it takes me much longer to type my long winded, meandering, tangential posts.

Sounds like your hubby is a little afraid that if you have a BF you might start to like him, love him.. "too much" i.e. more than your husband. I don't see there being a problem (logically) with you visiting a BF while hubby is home if he has a GF to go to? He might not be getting YOUR attention, but he'll be getting attention.

I'm a little unclear. Are your relations more of the swinger (purely or mostly physical) variety or are you talking about developing more intricate ties with BF and GF? Not here to judge, just to understand the dynamic. and to interject that if it is more "swingerish"
(note that "swinger" and "poly" and other terms might have different definitions to others, these are just mine) then it is maybe easier to appease your husband's fears about your level of intimacy with another man.
idk. then again, maybe not. There is physical and emotional and other forms of being close. One thing I decided to toss out with monogamy was the rating system. Who's prettier, Monique or Mary? Who's smarter, richer, funnier, more playful, more adventurous, has more time, is more of a challenge... &c. Who cares? Each individual relationship has it's own merits. Maybe Mary is not as physically adept as Monique. Maybe she's in a wheelchair! But obviously I'm interested in her for some reason (because she gets the best parking spaces? *evil grin*) and I would rather focus on who she is to me rather than who she is to me in relation to someone else.

If that makes any sense at all. I'm suggesting that a way around insecurity is to realize that all of our relationships with GFs or BFs or BFFs can stand alone on their own individual merit. no comparisons needed. Most of the time it's apples and oranges anyway. How do you compare a spinach salad to a lasagna? I find them both delightful but hardly alike at all. You could compare them and try and find out which is "better" based on nutritional value, price, tangyness, spice, aroma, how well they go with a Cabernet Sauvignon, &c. but why? Esp. when it's not food you're talking about at all, but human beings. Why not enjoy each for what it has to offer without the comparisons.

Okay, I just realized I'm soap boxing on an issue that might not even be an issue. Or rather it started with insecurity so it sort of is but... yeah.
God knows when Midnight will have time to post again-so please forgive me midnight for saying-

IN MY generally not so humble opinion you actually have hit the nail on the head in many ways with your post legion!
In fact Maca and I were JUST discussing this exact situation/issue! Funny that.

The thing is-that for the men I know personally they DO feel safer with the "swinger" mentality because they feel like the love should be theirs ut for one reason or another are ok with the sex between their significant other and someone else.

Ah but I beleive that is not "polyamorous" it might be poly-SOMETHING, but isn't amorous about LOVE?

Poly-amorous by strictly pulling the meanings of the word apart (wow hated this class in school) is multiple loves yes????

So that would mean if you are polyamorous or have a polyamory relationship that you are interested in, comfortable with,capable of, and/or have multiple loves.... Right??

That said-I can't help but think that if someone has "veto power" AFTER a relationship is established-then they can't be polyamorous-because to put an end to loving relationship is counter to polyamory.

NOW-that is not to say that if someone were to say "I am thinking about pursuing Bob" and their spouse said "I'm not ok with Bob being your pursuit"and had veto power PRIOR to the establishment of a relationship it would be anti-polyamory. Because there was no love at that stage...... It might be-if they choose to use their veto power every time.... then they are just mono and faking it.


Legion-in two days I've come to really enjoy your posts, I hope you will keep posting (maybe it will improve your speed heheheheheheh).
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Old 10-27-2009, 04:52 PM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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Default Shallow is as shallow does...

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Why would you think this makes you "sound shallow"?

I always thought "shallow" was when someone was attracted to people ONLY because of what they look like, not who they are inside.
Yikes, I've been neglecting my very own post. Nice! Sorry to everyone who was TRYING to get to know me, I got called in to work for a week and was inattentive. Hee hee!

Ok, so in response to Y-girl, since my DH does not consider looks at ALL when evaluating potential partners, it becomes a bone of contention between us. I end up feeling shallow for insisting on a minimum standard of physical attractiveness when my spouse is one of those rare jewels among men who honestly and truly can be attracted to someone sheerly for who they are on the inside. Isn't he an awesome guy???

Given that fact, you might be left to wonder what *I* look like. I'm not a vain person and I've had 2 kids, so I'm not going to claim to be hot s**t... but in my youth I was offered a modeling contract in New York if I was willing to lose 10 more lbs and move to the big city. Instead I chose to stay here in Alaska with the moose.

So, it's an issue when we find someone (or a couple) that he wants to form a friendship/relationship with and everything fits except that one or both of them are completely unattractive to me. Very frustrating for him, and it leaves me feeling ashamed and shallow.
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Old 10-27-2009, 05:59 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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I can identify. I always feel/felt badly when I would meet/had met a girl who was amazing - great personality, smart, awesome in every way - but I totally wasn't attracted too. And I am picky as hell, though my standards are a little different than the "standard".

I don't think there's anything wrong with that, though. Physical attractiveness is one of several dynamics that people consider when selecting a potential mate. Just because you can't see intelligence or fitness ans a parnt from across a room doesn't mean that those trits which ARE visible are less important or more shallow.

Now - if you're willing to fudge on the OTHER factors to get someone that's physically beautiful, well - that's kinda shallow, lol. BTW - I'm absolutely guilty as charged, but only for short term or FWB. :-p
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Old 10-28-2009, 05:15 AM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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Default Swinging vs. Poly

Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion View Post
I'm a little unclear. Are your relations more of the swinger (purely or mostly physical) variety or are you talking about developing more intricate ties with BF and GF? Not here to judge, just to understand the dynamic.
Legion, we started out looking for a swinger-ish arrangement. However, "swinging" implies casual sex to me... something I've never been comfortable with. My philosophy is (and has ALWAYS been... even since teenager-hood) that sex is about intimacy. If I just wanted an orgasm, I have 10 fingers and a plethora of toys... don't need another person for THAT. So, swinging isn't very appealing to me for that reason. Additionally, there are a lot more health risks and personal risks to swinging etc.

That said, my DH (J) is also more into intimacy than casual sex and at one point had a GF for a short time that we thought could turn into a long-term 3rd partner for both of us. The idea had never fully occured to us before and we were both pleasantly surprised to discover that it appealed to us. But, the concept that J was comfortable was with that 3rd being a GF.

He began pushing for me to find a guy I was attracted to to explore some fantasies involving a 3rd as a guy in the bedroom. J is totally comfortable with the idea of a 3rd in our marriage as long as it's a woman, but when it comes to me he wasn't as comfortable w/the idea of me having a BF. Casual affairs aren't really my nature though, so in order to work towards the sexual fantasies being fulfilled, he began to push the BF idea.

My sex drive hasn't been the greatest over the past few years and we found out recently it was due to hormones. We had only been married a short time when we had our first child, so the frequency of sex became almost an immediate issue for us. J thought that me having a BF I was *very* attracted to would "kick start" my sex drive.

Now that we've solved the hormone mystery & my sex drive has returned, he's suddenly possessive of it. He's always been possessive of my time to a certain extent, and circumstance prior to now have prevented me from focusing on him as much as he needed.

I'm hoping that now that I'm able to focus on him when we're together, and he sees that my sex drive stays around and he's able to get as much as he needs of both, that he'll be less insecure that a BF or a 3rd would take anything away from our marriage.

In fact, the experiences we've had so far with having an open marriage have seemed to strengthen it. So, we'll go from here and see... but I'm hoping that some folks on this board have advice or insight that might be helpful since we're fairly new to the poly life.

Hope that clarifies some things!
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  #10  
Old 10-28-2009, 06:23 AM
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Legion-in two days I've come to really enjoy your posts, I hope you will keep posting (maybe it will improve your speed heheheheheheh).
Shucks... I got a smile on my face a mile wide from this compliment. Thanks!!


And Midnightsun, I don't think it's shallow at all to not be attracted physically to someone and then not want to get physically intimate with them.
If they are intellectually stimulating and physically repulsive, logic dictates you should get intellectually intimate and keep your physical distance. :P
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Often he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him...and he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.

Last edited by Legion; 10-28-2009 at 06:26 AM.
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