Paradigm Shift to Polyamory

[redpepper]

With all due respect to Manno as he certainly has free reign over answering your questions, I just wanted to let you know that there is a lot of stuff people have posted that could help you get your questions answered.

Perhaps if you don't find specific answers you might like to start your own thread? I certainly would be willing to give my two cents as I have been living poly for sometime and have a child ... Etc.

Have a good read. See you when you have caught up!

Back to you Manno.Sorry for the hyjack

[Manno]

First off... this forum has been immensely helpful for me during this whole thing.

"So, back to Manno... do you have any more prospects? and how do you explain where your wife is to your kid, when she's out with her bf? Also, does she spend the night? One of my concerns is the loneliness while she's gone.

My wife has always gone out by herself. So A is out when she's with J and I don't have to worry about that. She doesn't stay there, but just today I realized that she thought that I was waiting up for her (when I really was just trying to be accessible to my daughter while she was gone) I'm okay with her not coming home, but I don't want it to be an all the time thing if it happened. Occasionally, sure, but really on a saturday morning, I'd like her to be there. Were we kidless, I think it wouldn't matter as much.

That, and the fact that I'm an artist and very visual, so I imagine what might be happening, and I get that little jealousy twinge. I want to be there ... in his place ... or at least have someone here with me.

You can't place yourself in her relationship with him. Even the imagery. If she's still with you, then that is clue enough that she enjoys her time with you as well. You wouldn't want her doing the same for you.

If you are an artist, I'm a budding painter, take that energy onto a canvas. You'll appreciate it more... and I bet that artistic spirit is one of the things that yourwife finds attractive about you.

I also sometimes wonder about the long term effects of this situation. What if she ends up loving him more and I'm just part of the daily grind with kids, school, homework, chores, bills, etc? She'd still love me but it seems like it would just become kind of ho hum. I want to be the exciting guy! How's this working for you so far?"

Look at the first part of your lives, did you not already become another thing on that list. That changed it. And I'm sure it isn't now.

And yes... I want to be the exciting guy, but I don't have an easy way of doing anything outside of the house with A right now and I want to fix that... That is a problem and I refuse to relent until I've found a solution.

As for other prospects for a relationship: I have an infatuation right now... and it is a distant one. But other than that, not really. I'm sure that will change. But I agree with you, a work network that offered some sort of socialization in this level would be nice, but that's not really an option. I already keep my nonwork self pretty private... this would more than likely shatter some of my coworkers minds.

[redpepper]

So much to talk about over IPA!

We also have painting to talk about too as painting is my first love! If I didn't have a mortgage and it was just me I would endevour to be a painter full time. I have a studio that I go to and do my own therapy. I have a few shows a year if I can too.

Perhaps I will get back to art therapy as it is what I have a masters in...

Oh I am so sorry for continuing to hyjack!! Geeeez! Okay I will shut up now....

[Manno]

Mostly interested in character studies, and Katie West is my inspiration. Yummy.....

This new infatuation is someone else that I'd like to paint. Perhaps I can maneuver a chance to see her soon.

And being threadjacked at least means people are reading... I just hope my experience is helpful to someone else that goes through this.

[leeandlouise]

That's very cool that both of you like to paint. I used to paint a lot, but my actual career is more geared toward the commercial side of things, and sometimes I find I lose focus. I just started back up with actual fine art painting very recently. Actually all this with my wife prompted it. I choose to work on wood (think thick veneer) and I use all kinds of media. Spray paint, oils, acrylics, paint pens, india ink, sanders, sand paper, oops paint from home depot. i don't discriminate. It's creative and fun, but it also gets some of that frustration out. It's not representational at all.
I'm kind of a Hefe Weisen man myself, though.

[leeandlouise]

oh, and to both of you ... thanks.
all this is really making me not feel so awkward about all of this

[Manno]

It is just an odd water temperature to get used too.

I had a wonderful weekend, though it started a bit troubled. I was hit pretty hard by the news of my friend not feeling good about getting involved with me. As SeventhCrow said, it was bittersweet. And I really did not know how well I would recover from making a leap of faith as I did.

Because of this, I have to admit that I got a little mopey around the house about it, and it made my missus feel a little frustrated with me. However, as it works, A and I had a wonderful talk in the middle of the night Friday and then enjoyed Saturday, making pizza, tooling around on laptops and we even got out my old bass and I gave her a lesson (something we've not done in the 10 years together). Total WIN.

Yesterday evening I was invited to go to a party with A's boyfriend and so I did. It was a wild animal themed party, so that set the mood right and I dressed as a Safari Hunter, so I thought I was sending a message with my costume :P. So anyways, I let last week go and decided to really enjoy myself and I did.

The night was great and while I did see the source of my before mentioned infatuation, I wound up meeting someone else who I sat and talked with for the bulk of the night. I am not going to pine on about her, even though she's really cool, but what I liked was when I explained how my life functions, she really seemed receptive to it and had plenty of questions for me, to which I even had plenty of answers. I did not hear the "what will a gal like me get out of dating a married man like you."

I'm hope we get to talk to one another soon, but again, I don't want to jinx myself.

[leeandlouise]

So, you hear: "What's a gal like me gonna get from dating a married guy like you?" I'm just starting up with all this but I'm already getting that vibe. Seems like this is a much easier/more convenient lifestyle for the females. Guys don't seem to care about the long term as much. But, women I meet are definitely concerned how this fits in with longer term plans, etc. Granted, our current partners would be more willing to date us if things were turned around, but ....
I just think there doesn't seem to be that many people out there that want to get in any kind of relationship with a married guy.
On a good note, we went to a party at a club this past Saturday and our waitress actually responded positively to me when I explained our marriage and how it works. She willingly took my info but I didn't end up getting hers. Maybe I made my first "dating" mistake. We'll see ... I'm old enough to be her dad anyway, she probably just thinks I'm an old perv. But, it's fun to be able to at least dream about it and not feel the guilt. My wife thinks I'm a kook.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by leeandlouise

"What's a gal like me gonna get from dating a married guy like you?" .

I'm probably going to push a few buttons here but my intent is to help develop reality based discussions around this topic.

This is a hell of a good question. I would be prepared to offer something that makes sense. Considering probably 90% of the world practices monogamy of some sort and has the expectations of mono relationships, a little development in your arguments would be highly advised.

What does a married guy offer to a single gal?
Will she feel comfortable bringing you home to meet her parents?
Are you going to give her the security of a marraige type relationship if she wants it?
Will you give her children?
Will you be proud and open about her and is she free to be with you openly?
Will she have a secretive relationship similar to an affair and only known to you and your wife?
What besides sex and occassional dates are you going to offer her?

Not to sound harsh, but really, for most of the single female population (especially the younger population) a married guy does apparently have little to offer. And so the debate begins

[redpepper]

You sure she wasn't just being nice leeandlouise?