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  #31  
Old 11-06-2009, 06:49 PM
leeandlouise leeandlouise is offline
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Default I think we must be related.

I'm in such a similar situation that I feel like I could have written your post.
Here was my initial (and only) post I made to this site. Mine was much shorter but had I continued you could have copied and pasted from me.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=710
Here's the similarities:
For 15 years my wife was uninterested in sex with me. Most of her problems were because of some personal background issues. Over those years I had other possibilities (with different partners) but I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel inadequate, so I dealt with it. I just figured I was married to a fantastic woman who didn't like sex much. We also went for a year after one of the kids.
In the past year my wife has been developing a friendship with a mutual acquaintance of ours. I discovered it by accident, which was initially disturbing, but through many (a lot) of discussions it has led us to this point.
Through a mutual agreement and my prompting she has met with and proposed her physical desires to her new friend. He's interested, but on the fence at the moment. He told me that he's a little unsure of all this and wants to think about it. I think he told her the same thing.
But, here's the thing. I also find myself in a strange place. We've moved and I work from home and I no longer have that social network. I don't have any male or female friends at all and I definitely don't have any prospective girlfriends/lovers. ... although gay men seem to be attracted to me, so maybe I should switch gears (ha, unfortunately my wiring doesn't seem to work that way). Anyway, I've done some crazy stuff out of desperation. I joined Ashley Madison. Hated it. I answered ads from Craigslist. Had a very nice lunch with a 25 yr old student, but no chemistry. I'm at a loss. I don't want to be on a hunt for another partner. I really love my wife and I truly understand her new sexual/emotional awareness. But, through all of this I just feel lonely, kinda sad for myself, and lost.
Too bad we aren't neighbors. I'd love to hang out with you and have a beer or something.
I wish you luck as your future unfolds. I know I'll keep checking the posts to see what happens. I don't really have much else to do anyway.
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  #32  
Old 11-06-2009, 07:31 PM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default Wow... very similar.

I have to admit though... mine was not a stumble by accident kind of thing...

As for the whole social work network... yikes. While you work at home, I'm a high school teacher... I sometimes ponder the okayness with surfing this forum on my own laptop while on their system.

Yes, I'd love to share a pitcher of a good IPA and discuss how things went down!
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  #33  
Old 11-06-2009, 07:49 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Wow. I have so much to say. Questions more than anything. What's with the cheating? Why are you two not having sex? What is it with her desire to fuck other people and not you? What is it that makes you stay? Why is she allowed the possibility of a poly relationship and you are left with cheating?

I would love to hear more about Ashley Madison on the "selling cheating" thread if you are up for it.

I don't get this whole thing. What is it about women who don't want sex with their husbands but do with other men?! Personally I would be furious (I think I am furious for you at this point) if I were you and would probably leave. Please explain how this works for you and her? What are you staying together for? The kids I can see staying together for, but in this day and age its possible to stay together in a house and not be together anymore. This is what my tersiary does with his ex wife. It works fine for them.
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  #34  
Old 11-06-2009, 07:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manno View Post
I have to admit though... mine was not a stumble by accident kind of thing...

As for the whole social work network... yikes. While you work at home, I'm a high school teacher... I sometimes ponder the okayness with surfing this forum on my own laptop while on their system.

Yes, I'd love to share a pitcher of a good IPA and discuss how things went down!
Oh can I come! I love IPA! I will sit oh so quiet and just be a fly on the wall (haha! Probably wouldn't, but am oh so interested in this!)
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  #35  
Old 11-06-2009, 07:54 PM
leeandlouise leeandlouise is offline
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Talking small clarification

Well, the stumble by accident part was bad, but now that I look at it, for the best. Here's the deal. My wife's past included a lot of sexual repression that led to awkward relationships with previous men. This all transferred into our relationship, but I saw more in her and told myself that it was her I was in love with, not the sex. Unfortunately, over time, this led to a lot of marital instability that caused fights and bad feelings and eventually a loss of interest in each other from a physical standpoint. Fortunately, we got along very well outside the bedroom. Now she tells me that about 2 years ago she "grew" into her sexual self and started enjoying it ... by herself. By this point things between the 2 of us had become mechanical and there was too much bad history. So, after finding out about her new friend, we started communicating again. I've lost 30+ lbs, look good and feel great. She finally talks to me and we are having the best sex ever. We find our new found communication a huge boost to having the best marriage we know of ... it's our "honesty clause" that does it. No more secrets, and it's working.
Next time your in Indiana, we'll have you over
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  #36  
Old 11-06-2009, 07:56 PM
leeandlouise leeandlouise is offline
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Default Redpepper ...

you wouldn't even have to be a fly. Maybe the two of us would hit it off! Everyone's invited.
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  #37  
Old 11-06-2009, 07:56 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
The kids I can see staying together for, but in this day and age its possible to stay together in a house and not be together anymore. This is what my tersiary does with his ex wife. It works fine for them.
I know a family like this. They never got married legally, but they were together and had a son and when their son was like 5, the "wife" decided that she wanted to break up but still live together and raise the kid together, and the kid is 14 now and they still live together and are friends but have separate bedrooms and love-lives (they are not "poly").
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  #38  
Old 11-06-2009, 08:06 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manno View Post
While I do not begrudge her for this at all, I hate that this didn't work.
...

What is cool about what went down: Our initial acquaintance has not been ruined, and I've opened up to her faster than I rarely do with anyone (mostly because I felt like I had a lot I was placing on the line), and now I really feel like I have someone I can hang out with a bit.

What is "the suck" about this: I'm not getting something that I realize I really want with her, which is a boundless romantic relationship and I could wind up just as frustrated (but not because of my own hesitations) because I still find her very attractive.
Well... sometimes love is bittersweet. The only way to find out if something is going to work is to commit to finding out--and that's also what makes it painful when things don't work. There are many women in my past whom I love deeply and I bear the disappointment that things just couldn't work with them.

It takes only a couple of them and a few years' time and one can fully understand Shakespeare when he said "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Life is a banquet and the dishes include all of the basic flavors--sweet, salty, sour, bitter, and savory. It's the blending of the flavors that make for an interesting meal.
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  #39  
Old 11-06-2009, 08:08 PM
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Well thank you very much leeandlouise! I'd love to get off this rock (I live on an island)! That would be great wouldn't it?!

Does your wife know about the cheating?? Can you start making time to get out and meet people, start finding your tribe? Have a social life so you don't feel left out?

Thanks for the clarification... It makes more sense now.
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  #40  
Old 11-06-2009, 08:44 PM
leeandlouise leeandlouise is offline
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Default sorry Manno,

This seems to have gotten off on a little tangent. But to Redpepper: Thanks for the reply again. All of the stuff I do is completely without any secrets. This would include Ashley Madison. My wife actually found this thread this morning and sent it to me, she knew it was similar to my situation. She's been following along at work as we post. AM didn't work for me because I realized that it's just a spot for a bunch of miserable cheating guys desperately looking for someone. The only women I found were "friends of my mom" or ladies I could've met at the Holiday Inn Lounge on a Tuesday. Maybe it's just living in the Hoosier state, but the gene pool seems a little shallow or at least my only prospects were (not my type?). There also seemed to be a complicated form of prostitution happening. ... I don't know.

So, back to Manno... do you have any more prospects? and how do you explain where your wife is to your kid, when she's out with her bf? Also, does she spend the night? One of my concerns is the loneliness while she's gone. That, and the fact that I'm an artist and very visual, so I imagine what might be happening, and I get that little jealousy twinge. I want to be there ... in his place ... or at least have someone here with me.
I also sometimes wonder about the long term effects of this situation. What if she ends up loving him more and I'm just part of the daily grind with kids, school, homework, chores, bills, etc? She'd still love me but it seems like it would just become kind of ho hum. I want to be the exciting guy! How's this working for you so far?
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