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  #21  
Old 10-31-2009, 12:40 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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In my experience it spruces up the sex life tremendously! I hope your wife isn't in a refusing mood in the next while! It sounds like you are already accustom to talking about people that you are attracted to.

I find that there is little need sometimes to even sleep with others and in fact it sometimes takes away that feeling of anticipation and horniness. Prolonging that for a good long time can make the experience of being close to your wife that much sweeter and more intense. Not to mention when you sleep with the prospective secondary!

Building outside relationships can be so fullfilling to a marriage in that respect. I don't know why as a society we condone it so much.
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  #22  
Old 10-31-2009, 05:28 PM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default Last night

So, last night was great. We had my wife's boyfriend over for some pizza and some visiting time about all three of us.

The evening could not have went any better. Not only did I feel great after our talk, but I really believe both of them felt relieved that this was not going to be awkward because we are all three like minded adults. . We drank some wine, sat on our deck and enjoyed one of the last great NW evenings. After that, he and I went to play poker and then go to a costume party together, which means I got my costume partying out of my system and my wife can go out tonight and do the same. Great times.

As for my date-ish thing tonight, I think all will be well.
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  #23  
Old 10-31-2009, 09:49 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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RP - I think you ment "condemn", not "condone", LOL.

Manno - A very interesting read and a very interesting situation. I think you two are on target for one awesome lifelong relationship. The level of communication and honesty and understanding you are both exhibiting is one to which we all aspire (or should anywy)!
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  #24  
Old 11-01-2009, 03:36 AM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default just a quick reply before the 'date' begins

"In my experience it spruces up the sex life tremendously! I hope your wife isn't in a refusing mood in the next while! It sounds like you are already accustom to talking about people that you are attracted to. "

Yes... it definitely has... and I'm quite thankful for that, and my wife hasn't seemed this sexy in years.

-M
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  #25  
Old 11-02-2009, 07:05 AM
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Default A newly awakened poly finds success on his first date

So, yesterday was Halloween, which has always been a day of new beginnings for me. Though I don't practice, Samhain/Halloween has an inexplicable spiritual significance to me. This year's was another.

This year was my wife's turn to go out for Halloween, and once I realized I could not go out with her because of childcare, I set a plan in motion to set up a invite over to my house a woman to whom I've been attracted for about six months.

I haven't spent any time with her because, honestly, I did not feel up to getting close to yet another woman to whom I'm attracted yet couldn't express that attraction. I didn't want to deal with the sexual tension and frustration.

I was a bit nervous all Halloween day as I made plans for her visit, bought a great bottle of wine for the evening, then took my child out trick or treating, and finally went to a halloween costume party with my wife and daughter some of our closest friends, including her boyfriend. When my girl got a bit tired, A and J took us home, I put her in bed and as I turned out her light, my doorbell rang.

The visit began better than I could have ever hoped. We both had a bottle of our favorite wine for the other to taste, and she suggested we played a game of sense to determine which wine was which, as they were both similar in taste. So we labeled two glasses apiece corresponding to each bottle with matching stickers on the bottoms of the glasses. After the first glass of each, we tried to figure out which wine was which. They were both amazingly rich red wines, yet we knew our wines when we tasted them.

And while it was one of the most sensual moments I've spent on a _first_ date, I felt that I, at that moment, needed to let her know that I was attracted to her and that I was, in fact, considering this a date. I first told her how I was attracted to her and then she responded with a barrage of responses and questions to which I simply responded truthfully and sincerely. They ranged first with a revealing of mutual attraction, I learned she dated men younger than me, yet an intellectual connection was something she was lacking from those relationships. She of course wanted to know how A felt and even if she knew this date was taking place; I saw relief on her face when I told her that not only did A know, but suggested I set this up. She asked where she was at that moment, and I told her that she was out with her newly found boyfriend.

At first she seemed a bit reserved, and revealed that she had tried an open marriage and that it failed, but as we talked we inspected how it fell apart and she told me that they simply went off in different directions without each other and never made it back.

We talked about my philosophy that I've seemed to have always had formed in my head. She agreed as I explained about how jealously and the other dark emotions humans form between relationships can be destroyed by honesty and open communication between one another. I explained that I still loved my wife and knew that would never change and that I'd be with her until the end.

She told me that she would want to talk to my wife and I told her that would indeed be a must. But she also asked me the most intimidating question:

"What will a single woman such as me get out of dating a married man like you?"

This was a question I've almost been dreading, and I knew it was coming. I had never had an answer, but one arrived instantly. I told her that I am offering an emotional and intellectual bond along whatever manifests physically and that I could not ask of her anything that I did not want asked of me. I also told her that no matter what happened I still wanted her to become a closer friend.

She agreed that our mutual attraction was quite nice to express and told me that she was both curious and excited at what could happen out of this experience, now that we laid down exactly where they could possibly unfold. She also told me that she was seeing someone else, though they were not an exclusive couple. She wanted to know what I would thought would happen if we started something, yet she and he bonded into something exclusive. I told her no matter what happened, she would be free to do what she wanted with me or not, but on the condition that were open about what was happening. I reiterated that I did not believe in secrecy and deception with those I close to me.

We continued to talk for a while, getting closer on the couch, and spent the rest of the night enjoying one another's company, yet not crossing any boundaries she and I both felt uncomfortable with until she talked with A. We made plans to see each other this Tuesday as well. It was a great night.

This morning I awoke to my wife waking up to talk to me. We both shared our evenings with one another. I'm so happy that she is enjoying herself and happy I'm doing the same.

As we got up to make something for brunch, I was about to text S to tell her that I'd had a wonderful evening, when she texts me before I hit send. I read it to find she really needed to talk to me. I quickly called instead of finishing my text and the first the she asked was whether I was going to tell A about what happened last night. I told her we already talked about it and that A agreed to give her a call sometime today to talk to her.

S had a bit of a panic because one of her girlfriends knew we were together last night, but not the circumstances of the "date." A and I both alleviated that by talking to her today.

I spent most of my day doing work, and when I was returning home, I called S to see how the rest of her day went and that I was still very excited about Tuesday. She told me she enjoyed the open communication I had with her all day.

I got home, spent time with my two ladies at home and finally got to procrastinating more work at the computer. Now that I've typed this, I'm going to go back to it.

I do have a strong concern in all of this: I find myself really wanting to make sure S is okay with all of this as I know I dropped a lot into her lap by inviting her over. I don't want to sound needy, but I really just want to know that she's okay and not weirded out.
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Last edited by Manno; 11-04-2009 at 02:02 AM.
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  #26  
Old 11-05-2009, 05:32 AM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default Quick update, considering outing to friends and some rambling.

So, I'm about to go on my third outting with my friend S and things are going well.

Last night I went over to her place and enjoy her hot tub (win!) and while I wasn't sure what was going to happen on that visit, everything happened the way we wanted it to go.

Our first date was really awesome, and enjoyable; however, it did get a little physical fast, and while that was a thrill, it was also a bit overwhelming for both of us. Very enjoyable, but just a little too quick, and honestly, while when I was single, I'd initiate a sexual relationship a bit fast, but that is not what I am looking for here.

I'm actually looking for something my wife has, a true friend with whom she was attracted, yet they become great friends before anything really developed. Someone who understands me and enjoys my company. I don't want to be misconstrued by anyone as exhibiting really swinger like behavior... especially the people around me.

S is not really poly, though she's experienced in some open type marriages, I don't think she gets exactly what my wife and I are doing because her past experiences cloud how well we work. I'm hoping that being around my wife in the future will show her that we're totally different than her experiences.

One thing she talked about last night was the possibility of my wife to fall so hard for someone that she would want to leave me. And that simply is not a viable possibility in our dynamic. This is hard for her to understand, and I really would like her to understand things a bit more.

On another note: we're also facing a bit of a dilemma. As I've mentioned we have a group of friends that are really tight with me, but I'm uncertain how we should approach them with this news. Of course we're thinking for telling them. Anyone have any comments on how I should about this?

Well that's all for now.
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  #27  
Old 11-05-2009, 09:06 AM
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Thank you for sharing.

I'm new to this all as well, so hearing the stories of others is really comforting to me, and makes things so much easier.

Thank you again. :-)

R
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  #28  
Old 11-05-2009, 07:27 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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"As in sometimes one sexual encounter in several months time, and an entire year after her pregnancy. During that time, I would make advances and be shot down over and over only to have her tell me that if I really wanted to go and find someone to have sex with, I could, but I should know that I would never have sex with my wife again."

Wow. I would have filed for divorce at that point. Sorry, Homey don't play them games.

And then she comes home and announces she fucked her friend when that sort of thing was an agreed-upon no-no?

I'm going to suggest finding a poly-friendly counselor. I see lots of issues that need to be addressed.

Keep your stick on the ice, man.
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  #29  
Old 11-05-2009, 07:56 PM
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Default Seven, thanks for the concern

But life's never that cut and dry, and while I was sexless, I was happy in many ways. Just frustrated. And you are implying that there is tons of bitterness left in all of that. there isn't, we were just applying the wrong rules to the game.

As for why we were so hesitant to dropping monogamy from our lives earlier, We just moved from a region of the country were this would not have gone over well. Now that we're up here, the social constructs that messed up our upbrings are pleasantly being shed.
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  #30  
Old 11-06-2009, 12:25 AM
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Default Update :l

So, I haven't written about this today, but my budding romance has been stifled.

I played pool with S last night and really enjoyed was enjoying the way things were going and then we decided to sit down and talk for a little while before we both go back to our homes.

I could go on and on about it, but in the end, it comes down to this: S started to question any long term implications of our relationship and what it could and could not (mostly could not) offer. While S is older than me... I don't honestly know how much older (i'm 32) she has just run her course with several different friends with benefits relationships and she's finding herself wondering if she's going to wind up alone. Furthermore, she told me her attraction to me was different than these flings as I was interested in some of the same things.

And while I'm not sure what the future would bring, and I'm fairly certain that I could eventually cohabitate with several people, I don't know that enough to even consider trying to elaborate that information to someone else.

In the end, S, though she's explored open marriages and what not before me and never saw them working for her, and she's looking for a serious relationship that could turn into a monogamous marriage and i have a feeling i might be a little of what she is looking for. And why that feels great, it isn't optimal.

While I do not begrudge her for this at all, I hate that this didn't work.

I started then to really consider why I decided to pursue this in the first place. S was very attractive, and I already felt some sort of pull toward her in my subconscious but I again, i didn't act on this b/c of attractive and sexual frustration out of this. However, this was not only apparent in myself but also this attraction was evident in my wife as well, as she suggested it. I found myself intellectually stimulated by her and she told me that the feeling was mutual.

What is cool about what went down: Our initial acquaintance has not been ruined, and I've opened up to her faster than I rarely do with anyone (mostly because I felt like I had a lot I was placing on the line), and now I really feel like I have someone I can hang out with a bit.

What is "the suck" about this: I'm not getting something that I realize I really want with her, which is a boundless romantic relationship and I could wind up just as frustrated (but not because of my own hesitations) because I still find her very attractive.
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