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Old 05-25-2011, 05:42 PM
Mari Mari is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
Default New here and seeking help/guidance..


Well I'm finding my way around and have read a few threads and having chatted with my other half have taken the plunge to post on here so hopefully can have advise along the way.

Although hypothetically in my head I was never against the concept of poly my husband and I hadn't really ever talked in depth about it with reference to ourselves. We have been together now 18 years. Things seemed to head downhill and communication go over the years and as my health (I have RA as well as being diagnosed with a couple of other things recently) got worse I have not wanted to go out as much. Although I do now think it's linked to depression which thankfully I'm trying to get sorted now. Anyway, last year things went really bad and hubby told me he needed 'time out'. I was extremely unhappy and didn't really react well and things continued in a negative way with me finally finding out that he had started dating someone. Anyway, the outcome was him saying that he wanted both of us in his life at that time. I did become friends with her but I was never really comfortable with the concept in my head regarding full on intimacy between them - possibly a link to my own personal insecurities. She's about 12 years younger and in my head more attractive etc etc. They dated for a short few months and then decided that they weren't right for each other in that way. He's said that he's realised now that she wasn't right for him but that the positive thing it has brought is us talking more.

Actually to really put things in perspective, they didn't mutually decide that they weren't right for each other, they had only been dating a few months (I think it was less than 3 and he took me to an event with her and when they popped out for a cigarette she 'dumped' him). He was devastated, and that night I put aside my personal feelings and just held him whilst he wept and was deeply upset about her leaving him. Throughout it was hurting me like hell, seeing him so upset about her breaking it off with him but it also hurt that he was feeling so awful... It's only now, pretty much a year later (it was in early May when she broke up with him) that he feels that it was in a way a 'mistake' as she wasn't meant to be a girlfriend in that way.

We were talking (now a year on) recently re poly as she is now starting to date an old friend of ours and he said that he's not actively 'looking' but feels this is the right thing for him. I am at the 'fluctuating' stage - I feel and can intellectually 'see' it working for both of us but I must admit I am pretty insecure and also, as he has pointed out to me, he's happy with me also dating someone else but I'd have to leave the house! lol

Oh dear, this is rather turning out to be a massive thing rather than a small intro but as you can see we are in a way at a beginning. I have recently lost some weight but have insecurity about my weight and probably some self image issues as well as stuff linked to my childhood (I've got myself on a waiting list for a Counsellor to start to deal with these types of things - a bit late I know at almost 42 yrs!). The wonderful thing about my husband is that he has never made negative comments about my physical changes, and has always tried to be supportive.

My thing now is also as he did suggest to me is to try and make some friends which are 'my own'. In many ways I can be shy at times and when he suggested today that I might want to go by myself to a poly get-together which I believe is held at a pub (I live in England) I felt rather daunted. It's not that he doesn't want to be with me and be supportive, he felt that I might be able to feel more comfortable about asking questions without him about so I didn't feel pressured. I mentioned to him that I might join an online list and he was fully supportive of this.

He has asked me how I'd feel about him having sex with a future partner and I could only honestly say "I don't know". I think that for me and how I currently feel, it would have to be someone pretty special and that I felt secure about but at the same time I don't want to make my husband uncomfortable and can understand in a way how frustrating it possibly is for him having me say 'I don't know' to so many questions.

I was never 100% ok with the relationship he had previously, although she and I are friends now. Part of it I feel is how I found out and also the headspace I was in during that time.

Phew! I won't write any more - but help and advice is majorly welcomed!

Thanks for being patient enough to trawl through this..


Last edited by Mari; 05-25-2011 at 06:09 PM.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:21 PM
Lily Lily is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 10

Dear Mari,

I'm new here too and on the other side of the fence in that I'm looking for advice on how to broach the subject of poly with my mono husband....

Just thought I'd say a couple of things though..... I can relate to your insecurity and self-esteem issues... my husband also has very, very low self-esteem. He became very dependent on me in recent years (he had crippling panic attacks) and this really reduced my respect for him. I believe (and it's far easier said than done) that we need to like, love and respect ourselves before we can expect others to do so....and I really struggled with that concept myself, having deep issues of "I'm not good enough / I'm a bad person" etc. etc. which were rooted in childhood. Through having some therapy, I've learnt that low self-esteem is a really, really big waste of time... we're all imperfect, we're all struggling one way or another! Just because we put on a bit of weight / let ourselves get unfit / do whatever, doesn't make us bad people, maybe just insecure and unfulfilled for whatever reasons.... but we might as well like ourselves because confidence and ease in oneself makes us so much more likeable to others... there are lots of easy things you can do to increase your self-esteem, I did a few exercises myself and they really helped. Have you tried writing down 50 things you like about yourself? At first I thought.... 50?! I can't think of 50?! But I stopped myself at 53.... (and I'm not a big-head, just the opposite).

Secondly - in what you've written, and the fact that you've taken a step to come onto this forum and to be proactive about talking about this and finding out more.... you've just proved to yourself that you're taking control of some of this... and IMHO you should applaud yourself for that. It takes guts.

Third thing is, you mentioned being on a waiting list for a counsellor. Have you ever considered online counselling? I reached a terrible low point a few months ago and found a most amazing online therapist (I talked to her once a week by skype, she also does email sessions) - if you'd like me to put you in touch with her, send me a private message. (She's based in England and I can honestly say my sessions with her had a huge, positive impact on me.)

42 isn't too late. I'm 41 and just started dealing with my "stuff" last year.... it's never too late to tackle whatever you want to tackle.

Good luck and good on you for taking the first steps.
The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:15 PM
Mari Mari is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11

Hi Lily,

and thanks for the comments. Yes, if possible would you be able to pass me the information? Basically the waiting list I'm on is through our GP and as we've recently moved home I'm having to wait a little longer than I would have done.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you broaching the subject with your other half. For me as I've said to my husband, I think (intellectually at least) that I may be poly, but I do have alot of childhood baggage which I thought I'd dealt with which seems to have come round and hit me in the last few years. I could see this working for us, with alot of dialogue but as I said to my husband, for me it could not feel like a light thing if that makes sense. That is to say, having met a couple of people here in the UK for me their way wouldn't be comfortable for me - at least in my present point and I think it wouldn't be for me in the future either. Basically one of the partners in that relationship has quite a few boyfriends and the other I think has one other but experiments with others (I'm not 100% sure on that but from what was said, I think that's what it is) for me, I think I would be more comfortable, and secure (?) if things were taken slowly and there weren't lots of people (apart from the fact that I have the most atrocious memory and I would have to label them all! - sorry, I have a habit of joking at wierd times)..

I think that my only place at the moment to talk about this is on here as the group that I looked at that meets in my town has our old friend who is dating my husband's ex going to it next time and I want to go to this without the constraints of having those I know there if that makes any sense.

To slightly complicate things further, my husband's ex is house-sharing with us currently. It has it's ups and downs but she and I do mostly get on (except for my trying to get through to her that I do not love housekeeping but washing up etc just needs to get done at some point! lol)

Thanks for listening and I welcome any other suggestions/thoughts.

It's actually a great weight off my shoulders that I can talk with others about this.

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Old 05-25-2011, 11:07 PM
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bitterborn bitterborn is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 42

And I am 44 and just learning....
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:11 PM
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LostRane LostRane is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 48
Smile We are the same

I am new here as well and have been living in a poly relationship for just over a month now. But my girlfriend has had boy toys for almost 3 years now.

I struggle with the same thoughts as you.. I would love to talk more with you and would love to be come friends..

getting help is the first step. and its a big one but it all works out in the end..

Thank you for letting me read your story...

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Old 05-27-2011, 05:58 AM
Mari Mari is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11

Thanks so far guys. )

I do look forward to chatting more and getting to know you all.

I just wanted to post a quick answer before I went for the weekend. My husband has an Entertainment Magic thing on this weekend and I'm going with him as he wanted me to be with him on my birthday weekend - 42 today! - eep!

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