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  #21  
Old 10-30-2009, 08:59 AM
sweetie sweetie is offline
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I agree with RP, and AL, on so many levels. I have considered myself the third. I have felt like the third, and I certainly know I "look" like the third when we go out in public. At the same time I know that both Sea and Tommy have also taken turns at being the third. Sea becomes the third when Tommy and I are alone together. When we meet for coffee, go for walks, or sit on a park bench and talk for hours. Tommy becomes the third, when Sea and I stay up all night talking. Having those hard conversations. Conversations he wasn't apart of, and only hears secondhand what was said. We have all been the third at one time or another, and we have all felt left out, at one time or another.

Instead of seeing each of as "the" third, we now see each other as "a" third. Tommy can't possibly love the two of us the same way. We don't look like each other, talk like each other, or think like each other. We are individuals. Not mirrors of each other. There are things that Sea possesses in her personality, that I don't have in mine, and visa versa. It is our differences that attracts him. This last year we have been searching for a balance. Some days the scales become tipped one way or another, and we have to go searching for it again. But we never stop looking for it.
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  #22  
Old 10-30-2009, 11:40 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I like the idea of that kind of natural geometry you speak of. People change and their needs change throughout a relationship..sometimes from day to day and sometimes over many years. The relationships that thrive (poly and mono) are the ones who's shape can shift and change with the needs of the people in it.

It reminds me of one of the major principles of balance in the Yoga that I practice. Basically, in my practice when we do balance poses, one thing that we must first accept is that true balance and equilibrium do not exist in our reality but only as a compass for us as we seek balance out. When in balance poses, it's not about attaining the balance, but in allowing our intelligent bodies to shift and adjust to the changing imbalances. If you stiffen up and try to hold the pose, you fall. If you shift and wobble as your balance shifts, you're more able to hold your pose.

That is one element I've seen in all successful relationships, regardless of their geometry.
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  #23  
Old 11-01-2009, 11:46 PM
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rosevett rosevett is offline
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Post Newbie Utopia thinking

THANK YOU for saying this and I'm sure there are things that will get picked apart I haven't been on a board yet that doesn't give us all reason to think we need to duck.

I had to touch base a couple times on the thread, I also thought it was something different but was pleasantly surprised at the reality of life in the face of those making the rules.

I also understand that some people NEED those rules, my Richard was one of them when we started not so much on the partner that we would pick but rules in general....I stood by my feelings and kept it clear that these rules are for you comfort and we will revisit them soon, as they are not my desire.

I have to say that I am always amused, in a sad way, when I read the post about those that are just opening their relationship or creating a new relationship and that is the GOAL...are relationships GOALS? But then I think differently then alot of people and am not very versed in typing it out...now meet me in person I'll talk you in a circle.

Well back to checking out the forums..this is awesome and I notice relatively new..we have started on very similiar in NY for the upstate folks..great minds I guess
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  #24  
Old 03-14-2010, 09:30 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Ceoli, I thank you for posting this so clearly. For some reason, I've had a hard time wrapping my head around a lot of these concepts. Now that I'm starting to "get it," this is really helpful in understanding the underlying problem that so many people are having on this forum, with "my triad just isn't working the way I wanted it to!"

While you're not talking about the primary/secondary thing here, I think the same notions apply. All these things, primary/secondary/triad "roles", hinge on having a pre-conceived notion of what a relationship should be. Ironically enough, while I always rejected that notion in the context of dating in general, I for some reason grasped onto it for the purpose of polyamory. I think I falsely believed that explicit guidelines on behaviour could somehow mitigate potential damage and heartache within existing relationships, not realizing that these prescriptions were more likely to cause it than prevent it.

In my own past, I've always had the best relationships when I wasn't looking for them, because then they were free to develop on their own. And a lot of them just plain didn't develop. Looking back, I'm grateful that I wasn't trying to force them to because I would have spent a lot of time in dead-end unhappy relationships.

We've all known people, poly or mono, who were in love with "the idea" of a significant other, and were willing to slot anyone remotely appropriate into that role. The same way that some people just need to be single to learn how to be themselves, it seems that some couples just need to be couples to learn how they relate to one another, before they'll be capable of having healthy relationships outside that pairing...

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I hear of so many people looking for a "triad" with a unicorn because they think their love is so special it should be shared, that it quite frankly makes me want to wretch. Like the third is a puppy or something....
My knee-jerk reaction would be "if you have so much love to share with a third, then have a baby!" Then you have every right to slot that third into the "role" of child, without having to treat them like an "equal." (obviously kids need to be treated with love, dignity and respect, but to me that's different from equality)
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  #25  
Old 07-20-2011, 03:01 AM
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spaz6979 spaz6979 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I hear of so many people looking for a "triad" with a unicorn because they think their love is so special it should be shared, that it quite frankly makes me want to wretch. Like the third is a puppy or something.... all relationship styles are hard work and life changing to anyone in them. Why not keep the definitions (such as triad or "V") as a tool to express what one wants rather than set it all in stone. It makes more sense to me to keep an open mind and stay true to our OWN paths (not co-dependent ones ) rather than inflict a definition on the whole thing from the get go.
This saddens me to hear you say that for me we have just found without that third person we feel something is missing that third makes us feel whole we would never treat someone in our relationship differently she is an equal in the relationship with an equal say and voice.

Sure maybe not at the beginning of the relationship but relationships are built on trust and once we feel she wont leave us for a "normal" relationship we will never let her go... we just want to find her and one day we hopefully will

We would never treat them "like a puppy" but maybe thats just who we are I have never met another "triad" relationship so I suppose i have no frame of reference.
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  #26  
Old 07-20-2011, 03:57 AM
ClariceK ClariceK is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aussielover View Post
I can not fathom a triad being equal right off the bat (unless three uninvolved people came together at roughly the same time). I never expected that coming into this relationship. The primary relationship (as much as I hate these terms) is the primary relationship. Period. Perhaps as the relationship grows and evolves over several years things may become more balanced and end up more equal (we were actually having this discussion yesterday amungst the three of us ), but I really don't think it's realistic to expect that from any persons perspective in the triad at the start.

The third is the third. I joined the relationship last. That's just how it is. Like it or not, it's reality. There were also things I knew I would be excluded from (ie the work holiday they went on last weekend). And that's ok, because I KNEW that it would be that way. I may not like it all the time, but that's how it is. I don't expect this to change just because I'm here. The primary relationship has to be strong and healthy for any triad to work (or any V for that matter). My relationship with either of them could be wonderful, but if they're are issues between them, things wont be right. There will be tension and things will start to fray and fall apart if they're not addressed.

.

I have to agree with this 100%. In our triad there are things that DO pertain to only the two of us who are married (DaJoshy and I). There are things that he talks to me about that he doesnt bring up to SluttyUnicorn not because it isnt her business or anything like that, but because she isnt his "confidant" like I as his wife of 15 years is. If she is around when he comes home from work, he will talk about work, but it is very rare that she really comments on much of anything about his work. A big part of this is because she doesnt really know what exactly he is talking about much of the time as she doesnt really know the people (she has met some of his closer work friends, but that was in limited social situations) and I know that even in that situation she felt a little "left out" because while hubby, his friends from work and I stood there and talked about his work (I also worked at the company for a short time, so I know the terminology, I know what he is talking about when he is talking about things) and she was silent the entire time because there was nothing she could interject. It happens.

I told SU when this issue of "equality" came up that Joshy and I have been married for 15 years, this relationship can last 15 years and we still will have been together 30 and she only 15. It is like the LittleGirl saying that she wants to be the same age as her mommy. She can ask for that till she is blue in the face, and I can want her to be as old as her mommy all I want also, but well shit in one hand and want in the other....

I think that it is important not to nessecarily "reassert the primary relationship is primary" but to have it clear that there will be things that are about the primary relationship and not about the secondary.

The situation came up about 2 months ago that Joshy wanted to go north to visit his family alone. While I have been to the same state as his family is in to visit my family alone, I always go because of presure from my family (we bought you a ticket for this date, if you dont come we will be out the money...." thing so I feel guilty and I go and have a miserable time wishing Joshy was with me and doing every single thing I am doing.

Joshy wanted to fly north and rent a car to visit his family. I told him I wanted to go with him. He said he didnt want me to come. I explained that if I came we could use one of my moms cars and hve a vehicle withut having to rent a car (which would have actually cost him 2 times the price to just get me a ticket) and a argument that went on for over a week ensued. It was a daily fight between the two of us. SU was left to sit there and listen to us fight because either way she wasnt going. It didnt pertain to her, and she would be staying behind either with me or without me. Joshy isnt going (he said we couldnt afford for him to go, but I suspect that rather then argue anymore about it he just backed down and decided not to go, which in itself also bothers me because if that is the case then the real issue of why he wanted to travel alone hasnt been resolved) but I have also let it go because well, he isnt going.

I made the mistake once of saying that if I was angry with DaJosh then he wasnt allowed to have sex with SU. This was a rule I made up because I thought that it would create a dynamic in which I am the "nagging wife who cut him off" and she is the "young new girlfriend who he goes to and doesnt bother him about things like I do because she isnt his wife" and that he would begin to choose her over me because well she never said anything negative to or about DaJoshy because as she herself admitted "I am not about to rock the boat and get him mad at me".

This did bother me for a while because I felt as if she essentially blew smoke up his butt all day long that he would decide that I didnt appreciate him or that I was "mean" compared to her, but when ti comes down to it, I have much more right to say what he does or doesnt do. Equality is a nice dream but it is a rarity.

Even in raising LittleGirl, she is SU daughter. I have come up with a number of different ideas for things pertaining to her, and I have always run ever single one of them by her. As far as that relationship goes, the primary relationship ther eis between LittleGirl and her mother. We are secondary to that relationship and need to respect that as much as she does out primary marriage relationship.
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  #27  
Old 07-20-2011, 12:43 PM
sluttyunicorn sluttyunicorn is offline
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hey this is slutty unicorn, i just want the record to show that i was fully happy staying at home if they wanted to both go up to NJ. ilove you ClariceK
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  #28  
Old 07-20-2011, 12:49 PM
ClariceK ClariceK is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sluttyunicorn View Post
hey this is slutty unicorn, i just want the record to show that i was fully happy staying at home if they wanted to both go up to NJ. ilove you ClariceK
I know you were babygirl! And I love you for that. Honestly, the big reason I was ok with me going with him was becaue you would be here caring for our beloved animals and I know you would do an excellent job as you love them as your own, even crabby old Sarah LOL
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  #29  
Old 08-04-2011, 06:48 PM
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Pinky1223 Pinky1223 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetie View Post
I agree with RP, and AL, on so many levels. I have considered myself the third. I have felt like the third, and I certainly know I "look" like the third when we go out in public. At the same time I know that both Sea and Tommy have also taken turns at being the third. Sea becomes the third when Tommy and I are alone together. When we meet for coffee, go for walks, or sit on a park bench and talk for hours. Tommy becomes the third, when Sea and I stay up all night talking. Having those hard conversations. Conversations he wasn't apart of, and only hears secondhand what was said. We have all been the third at one time or another, and we have all felt left out, at one time or another.

Instead of seeing each of as "the" third, we now see each other as "a" third. Tommy can't possibly love the two of us the same way. We don't look like each other, talk like each other, or think like each other. We are individuals. Not mirrors of each other. There are things that Sea possesses in her personality, that I don't have in mine, and visa versa. It is our differences that attracts him. This last year we have been searching for a balance. Some days the scales become tipped one way or another, and we have to go searching for it again. But we never stop looking for it.
Thank you so much for this post!! Sometimes I get too deep in my brain....thinking and convincing myself that I am always the 3rd wheel but its really not true. I'm actually the center of attention alot of the time and my partners really do try everyday to make me feel and treat me equal. Thanks for reminding me
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  #30  
Old 10-23-2011, 05:22 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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This seemed like the most appropriate place for this...

Has this graphic been posted before? So on point!! Well, I think so, anyway. Do you agree/disagree? Did you lol?

http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos..._4059996_n.jpg
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