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  #11  
Old 10-26-2009, 12:23 AM
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Don't duck and run Ceoli-you rock!
This is awesome. I can't even digest it all right now-but it makes me smile anyway!!!
I'm not going to really comment yet-I want to chew on the thoughts for a bit.
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  #12  
Old 10-26-2009, 01:53 AM
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[zombie voice]MMMMmmmm - braaaiiinnnsss... [/zombie voice]
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  #13  
Old 10-26-2009, 07:52 AM
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lady jools, I like the Y myself if it fits... mine is a "V" with a floating "dot" that adds itself to me and my husband every now and then....and now Mono in the form of a friend.... what the heck would that be?!!! believe me, my tersiary or my "fancy" as he likes to call himself is really in a class of his own... hard to explain and really not important....

Thanks for starting this Ceoli! no need to duck! your thread has five stars already! I suspect I know who added that... ahum, HMA? perhaps?

Anyway, me here in our "V" thinks that there is no real "V" except where sex is concerned. and even so that is loose. as we all have sex together sometimes anyway.... anyways.... Mono, I think, begs to differ on this one, but I really think that there is no way around not having a relationship "triad." Even if my two men are not together they have a close relationship and a common bond in me. Even in the last "V" I was in with my ex girlfriend, when it was my now husband as the secondary, we still had a close bond between the three of us.

I kind of see it as an elastic rubber band on three points,... those points move around and the band stretches. Sometimes I find myself closer to one of my men than the other and sometimes I find myself far from both of them and they are closer. It depends on the circumstance and what is going on in our lives.

For example, when there is stuff to be done around the house and the two men are working on it, I am most definitely not close to them. I look admiringly from a distance. If I stay at Mono's house I become very close to him and we seem to meld into one sometimes.... after a time I start to "jones" for my husband and long to be near him again. I go home and am happy to be close to him again....

This can last for longer periods of time too. Right now I feel very close to Mono as he and I have had some ups and downs and I have been supporting him through some personal stuff as of late. Husband and I are happily swimming along in our merry life and there is no need to process anything right now.

I have learned, in time, that there is no need to be concerned when I am not as in touch with one or the other because it all comes around. Mono needs my full attention right now and having expressed this to my husband, who agrees I should do my best to be there as much as I can, I am free to be available to him. Because the two men are invested in not only knowing each other, but "loving" each other, they are willing to give to the other in the form of ME. The beauty of it is that I can relax in the company of the one with the least amount of stuff going on after (really I love all of it immensely, or I just wouldn't do it!).

When there is stuff going on for me, as there was with my parents recently in our coming out, the two of them rise to the occasion and fiercely protect me and look after my best interest. Sometimes in the form of talking me through stuff and sometimes just in listening and doing nice things for me. There was even one occasion that they came together and approached me about leaving a lover of mine that was not suitable.

So, to get back to Ceoli's post, what is the big deal about a firm triad situation... is it not possible, as Ceoli says, to let the flow of the relationship lead the way? If a "V" works better in the long run, then why not?!

I hear of so many people looking for a "triad" with a unicorn because they think their love is so special it should be shared, that it quite frankly makes me want to wretch. Like the third is a puppy or something.... all relationship styles are hard work and life changing to anyone in them. Why not keep the definitions (such as triad or "V") as a tool to express what one wants rather than set it all in stone. It makes more sense to me to keep an open mind and stay true to our OWN paths (not co-dependent ones ) rather than inflict a definition on the whole thing from the get go.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-27-2009 at 06:53 AM.
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  #14  
Old 10-26-2009, 09:11 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Actually no, I don't usually bother rating or tagging threads. If I had, I would have given it 5, lol...

I gotta get to work in 7 hours and pick Anne up at the airport an hour later and I'm not even remotely ready for bed. *sigh* WHY am I awake and online?
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  #15  
Old 10-26-2009, 10:28 AM
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Most of this really has nothing to do with OUR situation, as none of us were actively seeking a poly relationship. They weren't considering 'opening' their relationship and I wasn't looking for a couple to be a part of.

One bit of your post does resonate a bit. As I've read a lot about being 'equal'.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
So much pressure gets put on the relationship to be this wonderful equal partnership of three people that when something indicates that maybe that's not right for everyone, it explodes into a mess of hurt feelings and loneliness. There are other ways for relationships to succeed. Maybe the closed triad should evolve into a V of some sort, or maybe the triad should remain a triad but opening up to each member having other partners, or maybe the third needs to let go of the pressure of being equal and relax into some kind of secondary relationship...who knows? There are all sorts of ways to approach things. But if it becomes an "all or nothing" scenario, it automatically dis-allows most other outcomes that may indeed be the solution, thus creating a much larger possibility of failure.
I can not fathom a triad being equal right off the bat (unless three uninvolved people came together at roughly the same time). I never expected that coming into this relationship. The primary relationship (as much as I hate these terms) is the primary relationship. Period. Perhaps as the relationship grows and evolves over several years things may become more balanced and end up more equal (we were actually having this discussion yesterday amungst the three of us ), but I really don't think it's realistic to expect that from any persons perspective in the triad at the start.

The third is the third. I joined the relationship last. That's just how it is. Like it or not, it's reality. There were also things I knew I would be excluded from (ie the work holiday they went on last weekend). And that's ok, because I KNEW that it would be that way. I may not like it all the time, but that's how it is. I don't expect this to change just because I'm here. The primary relationship has to be strong and healthy for any triad to work (or any V for that matter). My relationship with either of them could be wonderful, but if they're are issues between them, things wont be right. There will be tension and things will start to fray and fall apart if they're not addressed.

Perhaps I'm going off on a tangent here, but I so rarely do I shall just let my thoughts flow on this subject.

In our relationship, I fully accept that I am the third. That doesn't mean I always come last, or I'm not loved. It does however sometimes mean that the needs of the primary relationship will have to come first if there is something serious that needs to be delt with. It's not easy being the third. Defenately not. But none of the postitions are easy. Both the people in the primary relationship have to come to terms with sharing the other with someone new (assuming they're just starting in the poly world), which as I've seen can be difficult. No one said this type of relationship would be easy. You can try to figure out everything that may come up, but there will be things you've never thought of suddenly appear and have to be dealt with. There's also a whole nother person's feelings, needs, etc to think about on top of the two of a mono relationship.

Another difficult thing I will say about being the third is the occasional times where you just can't help a situation and have to sit and wait it out. There may be an issue that has nothing to do with you that needs to be delt with in the priamary relationship. This can be aggonizing. You feel helpless, unsure, worried etc. It's hard to sit back and wait for others to sort through things when the outcome greatly effects you as well.

As for the structure of a relationship not being flexable enough to change if needed, I know in our situation, it wouldn't happen. For us, it IS all or nothing, and that's just how it is. I can't imagine us having a V, no matter who the hinge is. I love both of them too much to give up one or the other, and I've always said that I will walk away if their relationship is deteriorating to the point of breaking up because of me. And I would. As much as it would kill me to do so.
I think in some situations, it just wouldn't work for things to change. I don't feel we're putting SO much effort into making sure this particular type of relationship works out. It's just the way our realtionship is. I don't think it's wrong, and I don't think it's bad that we can't or wont consider a different structure. Perhaps this is because of the manner in which the three of us came together.


So this ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated, and I might even have forgotten some things along the way. Mostly it's my perspective on a triad, and the thirds position in it. Being new to the poly world, and not even knowing about it until we were already in it, makes it all a learning experience for us. And of course it's not all been smooth sailing, but we're weathering the storms when they come and isn't that the whole point? Get through the rough patches and there will be clear skies ahead.

I'll end this for now.

OH! I lied... I have one more thing to say. It's not anything that was brought up in this post, but previous ones. About the third having the most to lose.
I don't necissarily think that's always true. I think it all depends on how the relationship has ended, who's decision it was and a lot of other factors in the relationship.

In ours, I DO have a shitload to lose if this relationship were to end. I've moved halfway around the world, sold all of my belongings, left my job there (as shitty as it was), would be completely broken hearted. I would be alone. The first two of these points makes it more difficult for me than for a normal person. For them, yes they would still have each other, but (from my perspective) a big issue would be the kids well being. I love them and they love me. They would not understand if I was gone all of a sudden. This for me is a huge one. I know there would be other issues for them, and they can share thoughts on that if they wish but I think that the kids are a big big big one. For me at least.

now I'm done for the time being.
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  #16  
Old 10-27-2009, 02:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aussielover View Post
lol I'm not sure what to say.
I'm quite an introvert and usually don't speak up without being asked (downside, especially when in a poly relationship... I'm working on that) or in response to something else. I wouldn't know where to start.
Kinda new around here, but I would have to say when Aussie gets started She (sorry :| )finishes beautifully. Well said.

For my $.02 Structure is fine, defining the relationship has many merits, guidelines can be a source of strength for relationships BUT rigid anything is likely going to hurt someone, if not everyone. Relationships are dynamic and always moving with the emotions and day to day ebb and flow of life. Rigidity will either be broken down, or remain standing with nothing left.

</end hippy talk>

Last edited by heartbt; 10-28-2009 at 10:37 PM.
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  #17  
Old 10-27-2009, 06:35 AM
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What does poly-fi mean? Sorry if the answer is in here, I don't have the brain the read through all of these posts right now.
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  #18  
Old 10-27-2009, 06:40 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Poly-fi is shorthand for polyfidelity. Basically it's a relationship with more than two people, but the people in the relationship don't seek additional partners outside of the structure they have. It can be a poly-fi triad, a V a quad, or lots of other formations. The key is that all have agreed to close that formation to outside people.
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  #19  
Old 10-27-2009, 06:42 AM
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Ohh, of course. Thanks Ceoli, I didn't make the connection with the abbreviation.
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  #20  
Old 10-27-2009, 08:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbt View Post
Kinda new around here, but I would have to say when Aussie gets started he finishes beautifully. Well said.
</end hippy talk>

psssssst! She.... but thank you.
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