Inside The Mind of this Mono

MonoVCPHG

New member
I often get asked why I can have total compersion for the love and sex Redpepper and her husband have. I am almost always asked why that same compersion seems impossible to apply towards another man in her life.

Today I will do my best to put into words what physical intimacy actually is to me, why I have a double standard towards women and men in her life, why the mere thought of a man other than her husband touching her makes me want to turn away, and why I don’t see this changing. I have tried to explain these things before with terribly misrepresented thoughts usually fueled by fear, anger and frustration. It is easy for me to say I will reshape my love for Redpepper in order to maintain the best friendship I have ever had. It is another to explain why, but fuck it, here we go.

I believe sex is different for everyone. What constitutes it varies, what it means varies and how it is shared varies. It took me 37+ years to figure this out for myself. 37 years of having an unhealthy relationship with sex as it related to connection to me. I regularly sought sex to create, deepen and maintain connection. Because I was so hungry to connect, I put a lot of energy into trying to achieve sex, waaay too much energy.
I found that because my partner did not have the same “sex = connection” inner mechanism, this lead to annoyance on both our parts, even less connection and therefore even less sex. Inevitably I ended up without connection to anyone, including myself.

Fast forward-- broken marriage, broken family, broken man, counselling, being alone, discovery, self-awareness, and connection to myself. Hold it! Connection without sex? Bing - fuckin- go!!

Now let’s look at my relationship with Redpepper, where my understanding grew by leaps and bounds through tremendous pain, work and struggle.

I entered a poly relationship involving more people than are currently present. And yes, at first I understood and was able to handle the idea that this was an open relationship where partners could come and go, regardless of gender. I knew that I was essentially sharing her love, time, and, in fact, her body with other men and women. I was unsure of what I personally wanted out of the relationship or where it was headed. This is the big factor in the early part of our relationship. I did not think it really possible to build something that would actually be family, be forever, be bigger than our own stolen moments. Like a goldfish, my love grew rapidly to an appropriate size for its environment. My love would not grow beyond the environment’s ability to provide nourishment. This is a survival technique ingrained in nature.

The bowl broke! Our love bloomed with a radiance that still makes me squint. I wanted to be hers and wanted her to be mine forever. I wanted to share in her family, love and nurture what she and her husband had, help with her son. I wanted to love her eternally and felt her wanting that of me.

And, like many people, that depth of love required more nourishment, more communication, more understanding and more time. Nourishment of my love does indeed have a cost. Just like food in a restaurant, it has a price. I am sorry for that, but it is in my nature, as ingrained and real as my need to drink.

Enter sex.

Having found connection with myself and knowing what it meant to connect to Redpepper, to just share energy without physical intimacy, sex would come to have a new role in my life. It became a form of communication, the greatest gift given to me in reward for the depth of love I offer. For every note, for every pet of her hair, for every night I babysit so she and her husband can go out on dates and themselves become closer, for every time I help around her house, my reward is being allowed to communicate with her on this highest of levels. Sex has become a pinnacle to me, the ultimate gift of expression from my lover to me. It is more sacred than it has ever been and has made me more intimately monogamous than ever in my life. If I understood what sex was for me a long time ago, I would probably still be married and have a healthy family. But I would not have my Redpepper or the amazing new family I am part of. And so everything is as it should be.

Why compersion for the sex she has with her husband? He is her husband, devoted to her, committed for the long haul, willing to share the mundane chores and struggles of life with her. He is the father of her child, who he helps raise in the most loving of ways. He would lay down his own life to protect her. He listens to her vent about her day at work. He is her rock when she faces strife. That is why I have compersion! In my eyes there is no person more deserving of sharing in her intimacy and communicating with her on that level. No one. But in my eyes I am a damn close second.

Do I feel even more worthy of her intimacy since coming out? Absolutely. I love her enough to accept the disapproval of friends and family. I accept that there are resentment and accusations of my intentions towards her husband and son. I am the face of the “other man” that will only diminish when and if another love becomes known for either her or him. I accept that and push it aside because I love her enough.

Yes, there is an aspect of my compersion that is directly related to the belief that her husband “allows” me to share his wife physically. Regardless of other's opinions, I am thankful for that. Yes, I have a physically disturbing reaction to the mental image of Redpepper breathing and moaning in the arms of any another man. I have seen them together and felt nothing of this response. Yet I merely visualize her with a new lover or even with our mutual friend, her tertiary, and it makes me cringe. I simply don’t go there. I get strength in knowing they both share him and he cares for them as a couple, as well as individuals. I could take this farther and admit, “He was there first."

The idea of another man entering her life and receiving the same reward I do diminishes the value that I place in that, not the value she places in that, but the value that I do. This is my thing, not hers. How she views sex, how she chooses to share it, and with whom she chooses to share it is up to her, ultimately. I only know that I am not able or prepared to have that reward diminished in my eyes. I would rather be let go to reshape and re-examine how I will be able to communicate my love for her in a way that will not leave me constantly conflicted and in pain, resentful and confused. “Why would she share that with him, when I work so hard to achieve this wonderful gift?”

Why is it easier for me to embrace her having a woman in her life? My own perception of energy and the sheer physical differences. I view female energy as different and beyond what any amount of men can provide. Physically, she cannot achieve the same intimacy with a man, as well. Energy is the key. Instead of feeling that my reward is diminished, I feel that her life is enriched by something she simply cannot get from a man or masculine energy.

Take it or leave it. That’s how I am. This is what goes through my head. This is my burden and the conflict that my monogamous nature injects into an otherwise beautiful relationship. This is why I feel she would be better off with another poly man from our growing community. This is why I feel my requirements to stay are unfair to her nature.

Would I change this? No. I love how I view sex now and the role it plays in my connection to the woman I love. I would rather be without it than lose its meaning to me. That ruined my life before and I won’t let it happen again.

Now you have it, how things work in my mind. Not hers, not anyone else’s, just mine.

Peace and love,
Mono
 
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Awesome, Mono. Every time you have one of these "lightbulb" moments, I wanna hug you or something. You have a way of very eloquently expressing your feelings and SO much of this makes sense to me. THANK YOU!
 
Mono,

Seriously this is an awesome bit to share. Your kilo-post count aside, this is exactly the reason why your contributions to this community, and your local meetings, are so important....ironic though it may seem sometimes.

Continue to grow and bask in the beauty of the family you have...I have the upmost respect & admiration for your efforts to light the way for the communities you're helping to build.

Cheers.
 
Mono,

Your kilo-post count aside, I have the upmost respect & admiration for your efforts to light the way for the communities you're helping to build.

Cheers.

Holy crap! I obviously never shut up on here.1000 posts? Anyway, thanks, my friend. I return the sentiment! We missed you at the last meeting!

Take care,
Mono
 
:)

Oh, you have done so much work. I would imagine you feel very proud. Even if we don't stay together and do the reshaping you speak of, you are forever changed and more comfortable in your skin. I am honoured to of been a part of that growth.

I love you.
 
Mono, you have to know what an inspiration you and your love for Redpepper are. The mindset for monogamy and polyamory are so very different in many ways. The fact that you love her enough to live so far outside your comfort zone is awesome. I admire you.

Now, I just have one question for you. I do get that these are your thoughts and how you feel, and have nothing to do with how she feels. You said you feel that sex is the highest form of communication and the gift she gives you for your depth of love for her. Then how do you view the depth of love she has for you? What is that?

I am by no means giving you flack. I just am trying to understand better and am willing to expand on my thoughts that led to this question, if you would like.

Vol
 
You said you feel that sex is the highest form of communication and the gift she gives you for your depth of love for her. Then how do you view the depth of love she has for you? What is that?

No worries about flak, my friend. :)

Redpepper has the greatest depth of love for me that I have ever felt. She has proven this over and over. I completely understand that she fundamentally loves and expresses love differently than I do. I also cannot understand at all how that works.

Disclaimer! This is the "my opinion of her opinion" section. I could be wrong about her thoughts. Redpepper and I have a different view of sexuality and sex. I feel it is only something to share with someone I love and, because of my monogamous nature, that love is directed at one person, therefore, so is my desire to have sex.

I only intimately love on one level. I feel she loves on different levels, such as with our friend, her tertiary. She also has always approached sexuality as an area of general interest and takes a lot pleasure in exploring it and discussing it. I am much more private in what happens, but am loosening up, primarily to share a part of her life I see as very prominent.

Her criteria to have sex is different than mine. This is a relatively simple concept. I don't see that as her not loving me as much. I do, at times, question the criteria she has, but only because mine is so black and white and extremely narrow.

Do I think the sex she shares with me is any less intimate or communicative than the sex I share with her? Absolutely not! Our energy flows through each other and we feel whole. I know the difference. I’ve slept with people I did not care for or was merely exploring for curiosity on both parts. It was “dead” sex.

Do I think the idea of sexuality or, in fact enjoying sexual acts, is as dependent on "love" in her case? No. But I think that is very normal, especially in the sex-positive social circle we are in.

The entire post above is based on how I view and incorporate sex in my life and relationships. Is it perhaps “boring” or very restrictive on me? No, because I see freedom in my understanding, freedom from a life revolving around a need for connection displaced by the idea that sex was the path to it.

This is about me.
 
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Disclaimer!!
This is the "my opinion of her opinion" section LOL! I could be wrong about her thoughts.
Redpepper and I have a different view of sexuality and of sex. I feel it is only something to share with someone I love and, because of my monogamous nature, that love is directed at one person therefore so is my desire to have sex.

I only intimately love on one level. I feel she loves on different levels, such as with our friend her tertiary. She also has always approached sexuality as an area of general interest and takes a lot pleasure in exploring it and discussing it. I am much more private in what happens but am loosening up primarily to share a part of her life I see as very prominent.

Her criteria to have sex is different than mine....relatively simple. I don't see that as her not loving me as much. But yes, I do at times question the criteria she has, but only because mine is so black and white and extremely narrow.

I understood that your original post was strictly your feelings. And the quote here helps me better understand your position and feelings now. I guess I just needed a bit of clarification. While I don't know Redpepper's true feelings about sex, I have a feeling that mine align more with hers than with yours (which hasn't always been the case; I used to feel closer to how you do). I have a more relaxed attitude regarding sex. I don't have to be in love with someone I have sex with. But if I love the person I have sex with, there is something different there and in what I feel while having sex. It's hard to describe, but I'll go with you on this and describe it as the energy is different. I do not hold myself back during sex with the men I love. I don't trust men other than those I love with certain aspects of my sexuality.

I asked the question about what RP's love is to you because I feel that is the gift she is giving you. Not sex. Sex she shares with you, she enjoys with you, you have input into. She has sex with you because she likes you and loves you. The love she bestows upon you is because you are the person you are. At least speaking for myself, the love I have for Gator and Tech is because they speak to me on a deep level. I can NOT share that with just anyone.

I'm not saying this well. Let's try this.

While I can have sex with those I don't love, I can NOT love everyone I am capable of having sex with.

That is why I see the love she gives you as the gift, not the sex.

Vol
 
While I can have sex with those I don't love, I can NOT love everyone I am capable of having sex with.


I totally think that this is the norm.

That is why I see the love she gives you as the gift, not the sex.

The key is, this is how you see it and feel about it. I respect that. We simply view things differently. I have no need to convince others of my views, nor do I want to take on the views of others. The integration of sex and love, as well as the secondary role it plays in love connection is very specific to me. I respect other approaches and can be healthy within a relationship where my approach is different than others, within certain limits, of course!
 
I'm so sorry! I didn't word any of that right if you thought I was trying to change your mind or that I thought you were trying to get me to change mine.

I respect how you feel and I can even understand how you feel.
 
WOW, this thread just keeps kicking my ass, making me smile and leaving me feeling warm and comforted by a bunch of strangers who aren't even talking to me!

Ourquad, I totally feel what you are saying! I have tried so many stupid times to explain it to no avail and wish I could just memorize your words and repeat them verbatim and see if it helped!

Mono, you touch my heart. You're words ring true to me even though I see things more like ourquad. You are just a wonderful man and some days you bring tears to my eyes. In my defense today is already a really teary day for me. But still, you move me.
 
If I had to pick one thing that I have learned from this board and the ppl who are on it, it would be that everything relationship is different and everyone is different. The key is to be true to yourself and open and honest.

This is why I think Mono and RP will make forever a reality. I don't know how you did it ,Mono, or how long it took, but your introspection is amazing. I pray that someday I will be able to have that understanding of myself.
 
I don't know how you did it, Mono, or how long it took, but your introspection is amazing. I pray that someday I will be able to be that understanding of myself.

5 STEPS

- Have it all
- Lose it all
- Realize you didn't have it all to begin with
- Find out what it was you didn't have (I paid some one to help)
- Use the knowledge gained to affect change

Lastly, if you are lucky enough to find someone who will hold you through all of this, cherish them, honor them, and love them. And, yes, I am talking about Redpepper.
 
Derby and RP-- Setting the record straight

There is a more than ridiculous belief that my not struggling with the relationship RP has with Derby degrades the relationship itself. It is sometimes implied that, because their intimacy does not disturb me or turn me off, I see sex and love between two women as somehow fickle or “less threatening." This is honestly as poor a connection as saying that because I don’t mind my partner eating apples, but do mind them eating oranges, then I must not value the apple as a healthy and nutritious food. Basically, this gives the completely irrational implication that I only place value in things that disturb me… like genocide and animal cruelty. Clearly I don’t value loving homes for pets because they do not disturb me. Get my point?

Here’s the truth about my view of RP’s relationship with Derby, as well as my relationship with Derby herself. I embrace the relationship they have. I am genuinely concerned that they get their needs met as a unique couple. When they struggle, I worry for RP’s heart and Derby’s heart. When they are happy, I look at them with warmth in my heart and happiness that anyone who actually sees us all together could not deny.

Derby is an amazing friend and metamour. Her own concern for RP’s relationships with PN and me highlights her complete selflessness within all of our lives. I enjoy her company and friendship on its own merits. We often sit together at gatherings and have our own connection that is unique and lasting. Beyond that, I also care about her husband. He is a friend, as well. When trouble affects one of us, we all pitch in, because that is how lasting connections and tribes thrive.

Everything I said above is equally valid if you replace Derby with RP's husband. There is no difference, no degradation, no less value placed in the connection between these two metamours. My happiness is affected by their happiness. I care for them both very deeply.

If your partner is completely at ease and embraces something you want, I suggest you seriously be grateful for that, instead of trying to warp it into something that feeds your own doubt.

Well, that feels better.
 
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