Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-25-2011, 10:05 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by Feedhercandy View Post
My husband and I have been poly for almost a year, but this pots isn't about him (right now no new challenges there). It's my boyfriend. We've been dating for almost nine months, and have become quite emotionally attached. He has, in particular, though I have deep feelings for him as well.
Some people like to see more time before you begin to expand further. Maybe trying to hold on to NRE or even find that stability of a long term relationship. If this is where his mindset is, regardless of what he logically things, you expanding can still be a struggle.

Also, as a secondary point, could he still be in NRE and you not be. His infatuation being strong, and yours reducing. Any infatuation shown for someone else could be seen as taking away from what you have for him. Jealousy/envy rears its ugly head and voila, turmoil.

Not sure how to fix it, sorry no advice, just giving a possible perspective.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-26-2011, 01:11 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

There have been some really good points here. One thing I thought I would add is that this might be something which could change with time. That is, he may feel more secure in your relationship after you are more committed; then people you date may not feel like competition.

I am suggesting this because I understand the difference in his feelings towards your husband and the new people you (might) date. I started seeing my girlfriend recently, and we are both married. I experience no jealousy about her husband, because I regard my relationship with her to be in a completely different level. In her marriage there is that deep-level commitment and understanding which you build with time. In our relationship there is the exitement and enjoyment of finding a new person who is compatible. Now then, if she were to find another partner to start a relationship with, I would propably feel some jealousy because I would feel that he/she would sort of give her similar things she gets from me. Therefore, I think the situation will be different in a couple of years when we have had time to get to know each other better.

Now, this might be the situation for you boyfriend as well, or not. It could help to see, why your boyfriend feels threatened by people you date but not your husband. It may be that he only needs time for you two to establish a relationship before you see other people, or it may be that he'll never be okay with it. You need to find out.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-28-2011, 02:48 AM
Feedhercandy's Avatar
Feedhercandy Feedhercandy is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 29

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate these perspectives. When I wrote my original post, I was feeling a bit ... airless. And I didn't understand where he was coming from. Your suggestions, thoughts, questions and experiences have really put things into perspective for me. He is an amazing man and, in the grand scheme of things, he's handling himself and us very well. Though I now better understand why it is a challenge.

Thanks again fhc
Reply With Quote

boyfriend, jealousy, mono/poly, secondary

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:58 PM.