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Old 05-08-2011, 07:54 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Default Moreness

Oops, meant to spell that MORENESS...
Hello again,
I was asked by my SO, Rubyslippers, to seek y'alls thoughts on this, as I'm in unfamiliar waters.... again. Navigational aids would be appreciated so I don’t end upon the rocks. (Like my two marriages did...)
I’ve always 'jumped' right into relationships immersing myself ... Admittedly loosing 'myself' in the process. RS and I are in an 'open' relationship (first time for both of us), live separately (part of the issue) and are not quite Polly but more than swinging, if that makes sense. Although as I think I stated in a previous thread (double standard) I am more into 'relations' than relationships as RS is with our others.
The issue is that I felt such an incredible sense of 'moreness' that I'm certain came from knowing I was going to sleep each night, in the 'arms' of my wife. We had our own careers and separate individual interests but the sense of togetherness added a wonderful content sense of the relationship itself as having its own soul that we shared as individuals. I swear that sense of a soul WE created and nurtured was a beautiful presence that was my companion even when we were not physically together. I miss that feeling that I believe was recharged every night sleeping together.
RS has spent her life living very independently. She has stated that since she was a child the thought of marriage didn't make sense to her.
I do NOT need to be married but I like to share myself with the people I care about and want for them what brings me joy. To those of you who read 'double standard' this last statement would make you laugh... but I'm coming to some realizations (with your help) and my struggles are paying off.
Anyway, the exact opposite happens when I wonder each day if I will be sleeping alone. I don't have the sense of companionship that I treasure. RS has opened herself up to so many things (we both have) during our relationship which she says she is happy for, including being able to spend more than a few hours alone with another before wanting to abandon ship. I am truly grateful for that. However, increasingly, the vacancy, this feeling of soulnessness (is that a word?) particularly that which sleeping nightly with the person I care about deeply gives me, is something I need to come to terms with.
I would appreciate your thoughts.

Last edited by islandgy9; 05-08-2011 at 08:01 PM. Reason: misspelled thread title...
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Old 05-09-2011, 01:37 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by islandgy9 View Post
.........
The issue is that I felt such an incredible sense of 'moreness' that I'm certain came from knowing I was going to sleep each night, in the 'arms' of my wife. We had our own careers and separate individual interests but the sense of togetherness added a wonderful content sense of the relationship itself as having its own soul that we shared as individuals.

...........I miss that feeling that I believe was recharged every night sleeping together.

............... Anyway, the exact opposite happens when I wonder each day if I will be sleeping alone. I don't have the sense of companionship that I treasure.
Hey IG,

If I'm understanding you correctly, this would be my thought......

We have to be careful of trying to cling to the wonderful things we come across in our life. Therein lie the seeds of dependency (and despondency).

Whether it's a thrilling experience, a great new food or anything else, there's an art to developing detachment and yet still savoring every moment or taste.

Maybe this is what you are trying to explain ? You discovered something wonderful. you want to wrap it up tightly in a box so you can always have it whenever you want/need.

Something about life doesn't allow that.

I suggest looking for a better alternative.

GS
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Old 05-09-2011, 02:53 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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GS, you're brilliant!
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:06 PM
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Yes, GS, I agree with nyc, you are!
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:09 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think I understand what you mean, but I agree with GS I think. To covet something can make one ignore reality, or at least not see the bigger picture. That can mean a break down somewhere, especially in relationships. Having enough doubt to check in as often as possible is where real closeness and bonding come from.

Falling asleep in the arms of someone you love is incredible at times for sure, but it doesn't make all the day to day connection that is required become unimportant. That all takes work and effort. Its even more sweet to know that things are going well, connection is present every day AND falling asleep in each others arms every night is there also.

The biggest accomplishment is in the feeling that comes to be completely on the same page/wavelength, as a partner because the effort is put in to really understand them and accept them. The effort it takes to be part of their reality.

This isn't always possible though. Connection daily and snuggling nightly that is. It isn't possible all the time in monogamy or in poly, but its worth working towards until such time as a moment arises of perfect harmony.
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Old 05-11-2011, 02:46 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hey IG,

If I'm understanding you correctly, this would be my thought......

We have to be careful of trying to cling to the wonderful things we come across in our life. Therein lie the seeds of dependency (and despondency).

Whether it's a thrilling experience, a great new food or anything else, there's an art to developing detachment and yet still savoring every moment or taste.

Maybe this is what you are trying to explain ? You discovered something wonderful. you want to wrap it up tightly in a box so you can always have it whenever you want/need.

Something about life doesn't allow that.
I suggest looking for a better alternative.
GS

"art to developing detachment"
ive been rolling around with this for 'daze'... initially thinking "developing detachment" was the saddest statement I ever heard in my life.

"Therein lie the seeds of dependency (and despondency)."
now i need an axe to hack down what i thought was a beautifull tree grown from the pernicious 'seeds'... I thought the tree would provide shade and shelter for myself and those i "loved"...
now im looking out at the despondency desert

OK... a bit dramatic but not to far off.
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Old 05-11-2011, 03:01 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
To covet something can make one ignore reality
I am realizing this now as my request for "optimum time you (RS) want to spend together" has been answered.
Ill pay more attention to the clicking of your heels RS, and why...and Ill try to stay away from Oz.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:42 PM
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rubyslippers rubyslippers is offline
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Default axe..

funny IG, i finished painting whimsical color on my "bedroom axe." yes when my father walked by and saw an axe standing near my bedroom door, he asked "How many lovers come back after seeing that?" he was kidding and knows his practical daughter lives well, practically...A wall is just a window waiting to happen...my private philosophy in all the years in the fire service. Dependency and despondency, when dependency needs are not met, are incestuous and breed like gerbils, overrunning their Habitrail, escaping and taking up residence under the floorboards, in the kitchen cabinets and in the walls and ceiling...eventually everywhere you look a gerbils tail is disappearing...but you've looked at the damn thing...and therefore your thoughts go there.
Set some humane traps for the critters, and go do something you like...like take me out for a beer to the corner grill once this smoke clears...sit and read Wooden Boat magazine while I varnish in my bizarre hood...or go sail or beach it or play in your shop.You are fun for everyone who knows you. BE FUN FOY YOURSELF!
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Old 05-11-2011, 05:49 PM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Exposing my belly here...
RS text me this: "Ask yourself if a lot of your angst is about giving up control of what you Canít control' and don't want to anyway. I think it might be about that...XO"

Acknowledging this... And realizing i can't be this way anymore... While at the same time not knowing how to rid myself of the 'troll', the part of me inside that is scratching and clawing to retain what it believes gave him joy and contentedness.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by islandgy9 View Post
Whether it's a thrilling experience, a great new food or anything else, there's an art to developing detachment and yet still savoring every moment or taste.
Yes! An art... truly living in this moment of now!
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