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  #1  
Old 05-20-2011, 03:32 PM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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Default jealousy over an ex

any advice on dealing with jealousy about an ex maybe dating someone we both know? i know, i know, if you;re not dating its not poly. just that poly people have produced a lot of good advice about dealing with jealousy.
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:41 PM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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It's an ex. Get over it? That's about the best advice I'm able to give for it. I guess if you are still close friends, there's always talking about it with them. Tell them how you feel about it. But even if you were in a poly relationship and one on your partners got with someone and you were jealous, you basically have to get over it. Be happy that they are happy.
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tigrrrlily View Post
i know, i know, if you;re not dating its not poly.
I hope no one throws that line at you. It absolutely drives me up a wall.

It's like saying you must not like chocolate cake because you haven't eaten any in a couple months.

It also ignores the fact that you can be very much crazy in love with someone without boinking their brains out--without even "dating" them, in fact.

In any event, yes indeed, there's lots of good advice about jealousy around here!
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:57 PM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
It's an ex. Get over it?
My friend, if i knew where the 'get over it' switch was, I'd have flipped it long ago instead of wasting the time of all you good people out there. Indeed I may not have flipped the 'get under it' switch in this particular case.

We're sort of friends. We work together. Its awkward. We like each other but somehow fucking fucked things up. He's the type who likes not to talk. I know he's seen other people since me and it bothers me a little but I get over that. Its his interactions with our mutual friends at work that get difficult.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tigrrrlily View Post
any advice on dealing with jealousy about an ex maybe dating someone we both know? i know, i know, if you;re not dating its not poly.
I'm not sure what you mean by that second sentence. Are you saying since you aren't dating that person anymore, it's not poly? Um, well, no I guess not.

So, to the original question, I've long been a believer in "recycling" former loves. Let my friends have a go with the good ones! Maybe it will work out better for them, or be fun, whatever. If someone is great enough to be in a relationship with you, why not for your friends as well? I'm being glib, but I'm just used to having a circle of friends where we often dated the same people and it was no biggie. Sometimes jealousy rises but you deal with it by looking at the situation objectively. That person never belonged to you, therefore why are you jealous? Unless it's a very fresh and recent breakup, which makes it more understandable, ya gotta let go.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Are you here just to vent your frustration, or are you here to tell people their free advice is no good? Because I agree with SomeGeezer. If you can't find the "get-over-it switch", you'll just have to take a "get-over-it" pill, or do whatever you need to do. then file this one in the "don't casually fuck the people you work with".

That's just all there is to it.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:12 PM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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sound advice in both cases, Neonkaos, but since telling myself 'get over it' 20 times a day has not gotten to the bottom of the gut reaction, here i am. And since I've given some free advice in my time, I feel perfectly at ease with accepting or rejecting the free advice that comes my way.

Last edited by tigrrrlily; 05-20-2011 at 04:15 PM.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:18 PM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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...the oddity for me is, how come i could stand the thought of sharing when we were together but now it bugs me to distraction? feel free to state the obvious, it might be the one thing I'm missing...
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tigrrrlily View Post
sound advice in both cases, Neonkaos, but since telling myself 'get over it' 20 times a day has not gotten to the bottom of the gut reaction, here i am. And since I've given some free advice in my time, I feel perfectly at ease with accepting or rejecting the free advice that comes my way.
Well here is my take.

You have no right to tell your ex who to date
you have no right to tell your mutual friend who to date.

Your only option is to control who you are and how you feel. If you can't handle your ex dating people you know, and you can't find the off switch, then your other option is to separate yourself from mutual friends.

You are limited in what you can do.. as the only changes you can make are with yourself.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:55 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Wow,..you are getting your ass ridden a little bit here.


Have you dealt with the obvious ? You were ok to share him, as you felt like you also had a piece of his attention, time and feelings. Another woman was not getting, what you didn`t already have.

When you don`t have those things anymore, but someone else does,..jealousy can rear its ugly head.
You have feelings that you haven`t come to terms with yet. Its hurtful to see someone else get what you still desire. More hurtful when you know them both, and can see what they get from each other.

So,..how to deal,...when you feel jealousy rise, you have to remind yourself where it is coming from. From the feeling of loss. Your heart still wants something. You are logically trying to tell it to 'get over it' but that won`t work, if you haven't identified the pain you are feeling.

Did either of you ever get a chance to figure out what went wrong ? Or did you both just blow, and walk separate ways ? Unresolved feelings have a way of festering.

It might be in your best interest to have some type of talk with him, lay cards out on the table about what went wrong. Anything awkward, needs some clarity.

He may or may not go along with this. This is where you can only control yourself. If he doesn`t want to participate, you can then know the score. Somebody feeling selfish, or who has already moved on, might not want to babble.
Thats ok, at least you know you tried, and that it is really over. Maybe not a perfect resolution, but at least you have a point as to 'get over it' from.

Good luck.
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