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  #1  
Old 10-22-2009, 03:28 AM
Kaylee Kaylee is offline
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Question Boundaries in poly relationship

I'm new here, and trying to figure out how to deal with my current poly relationship, which has taken some unexpected turns.

In summary: I've been poly before, in a poly-fi triad with a guy and a bi girl. It ended after a year and a half, when the girl became a man... the other guy (call him "Mark") in the relationship is straight. So "Mark" and I decided to be monogamous until recently, and he and I are now engaged.

A couple months ago, Mark brought up the possibility of being with other people. He said he really didn't want me to be with other people (due to jealousy issues), but he wanted to see someone else casually. I wanted to make him happy, and I figured his having a casual relationship with another girl wouldn't come in the way of my needs being met, so I agreed. I also figured he'd come around and let me see someone else eventually... that didn't end up happening, though. It was something of a point of contention between us, but I dropped it when I realized that it just wasn't worth hurting him over.

Mark started seeing a girl right away... literally, two hours after we had the discussion about seeing someone else (Let's call her "Cathy"). He says Cathy told him that she wanted to definitely discuss boundaries with me one-on-one before sleeping with him. But that didn't happen... in fact, I haven't been able to have a single one-on-one conversation with her so far. She's always had Mark ask me if they could do things, or not asked at all (eg, in the case of being intimate at our place). Cathy also said she was interested in me romantically (bi-curious), but said it would have to be on her terms, and that she'd let me know when she wanted to sleep with me. When the three of us have hung out, I've felt like it was hard to get a word in edgewise.

Then last week, I found out from Mark that Cathy is in love with him, and he's "halfway" fallen for her. He says Cathy told him that she could never let someone she loved be with other people, and that it's more natural to be jealous of your partner. She also has apparently been telling him that I'm not good for him, and advising him to leave me. Mark tentatively decided to stay with me after all, and Cathy responded by ending their sexual relationship. He told me that things were over with her, and I was kind of relieved, but I found out yesterday that they're still being sexual online, they still talk every day, they're physically affectionate and he goes to see her a lot. Basically, she's still his primary confidante. He also says that until he's "sure" that he wants to stay with me, he's going to keep dating her... and she knows this, as well.

I really love this guy, and I don't want to lose him. We've been arguing a lot over boundaries, and I know it's hurting him, and he sees me as the sole source of discontent in his life. I'm worried that his seeing Cathy is going to really make it hard for us to have a good relationship. I was hoping that Mark would keep things more casual, or bring in someone we both had chemistry with, and I feel like this is not what I signed up for. I know I need to talk to Cathy, but I'm terrified because I feel like she has me over a barrel... he's quoted her as saying some very critical things about me, and I'm worried she will just tell me to get lost. Would it be possible for you guys to give me some suggestions on what to do?

Thanks for reading...

Kaylee
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  #2  
Old 10-22-2009, 04:58 AM
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maca maca is offline
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OK>>>>>>> HELLA RED FLAGS>>>>>

IMO you should not marry this guy.... It seems to me that the lines of communication are not complete.. I have a few questions for you.

1) Have you told him how YOU feel?
2) Why do you feel its ok for him to be with another but not ok for you?
3)Are you ok with the fact that he is still with her after knowing he told you it was over?

I hate to be so blunt but IMO your self confidence and self worth need a boost.Although I have only got a bit of info ( and only from you) I dont see this as a healthy relationship for any of you. IMO you need to step back and take a serious look at the relationship, ask yourself::

Is this relationship honest?
Is it open?
Is it compassionate?
Is it loving?
IS IT HEALTHY FOR YOU??

I wish you the best of luck.

Peace and Love
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  #3  
Old 10-22-2009, 05:21 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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First, wow! This has to be an incredibly painful situation for you! Hugs for that.

Now to the hard stuff.

You seem to have two problems: Mark and Cathy.

From what you're writing, it's pretty evident that Cathy is what some poly circles call a "cowgirl"- someone who pretends to be poly or open to poly but with the intent of actually splitting you from your partner so that she can have him to herself. That's bullshit.

Right now, you should not be negotiating with Cathy about your boundaries with Mark. She's not Mark, and he's the person you should be talking to about that. Plus it's clear that she has no respect for your relationship with Mark and is a pretty poisonous presence. Quite frankly: fuck her. And I don't mean that in the fun way.

But I think she's the least of your problems here.

What you've described in this post brings up several red flags for me:

* Mark wants the freedom of outside relationships for him but isn't allowing you that same freedom- essentially asking and practically forcing you into making a sacrifice that he's not willing to make for you.

* It seems like this Mark/Cathy thing was already going on to an extent behind your back. If he's jumping into a date two hours after the discussion, it's clear the date was planned before the discussion. That's definitely the WRONG order and it seems to suggest that your feelings are not high on Mark's priority list.

* Mark now seems putting you on some kind of romantic probation, basically saying he's not sure if you're good enough to stay with. That's a bullshit thing to do. And he's leveraging his relationship with Cathy against yours.


All of these things suggest that Mark is leaving little room for your needs or feelings in this relationship. For me, these would be pretty fundamental issues and I really can't see anything else that a person might offer me that could outweigh these REALLY big problems. So I have to wonder why you're choosing to stay in a situation where you're clearly being treated pretty horribly.

If my partner was acting in ways that clearly showed that my needs and feelings are not important to him, I would set a very clear boundary with that: I would leave.
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  #4  
Old 10-22-2009, 05:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaylee View Post
I'm new here, and trying to figure out how to deal with my current poly relationship, which has taken some unexpected turns.

In summary: I've been poly before, in a poly-fi triad with a guy and a bi girl. It ended after a year and a half, when the girl became a man... the other guy (call him "Mark") in the relationship is straight. So "Mark" and I decided to be monogamous until recently, and he and I are now engaged.

A couple months ago, Mark brought up the possibility of being with other people. He said he really didn't want me to be with other people (due to jealousy issues), but he wanted to see someone else casually. I wanted to make him happy, and I figured his having a casual relationship with another girl wouldn't come in the way of my needs being met, so I agreed. I also figured he'd come around and let me see someone else eventually... that didn't end up happening, though. It was something of a point of contention between us, but I dropped it when I realized that it just wasn't worth hurting him over.

Mark started seeing a girl right away... literally, two hours after we had the discussion about seeing someone else (Let's call her "Cathy"). He says Cathy told him that she wanted to definitely discuss boundaries with me one-on-one before sleeping with him. But that didn't happen... in fact, I haven't been able to have a single one-on-one conversation with her so far. She's always had Mark ask me if they could do things, or not asked at all (eg, in the case of being intimate at our place). Cathy also said she was interested in me romantically (bi-curious), but said it would have to be on her terms, and that she'd let me know when she wanted to sleep with me. When the three of us have hung out, I've felt like it was hard to get a word in edgewise.

Then last week, I found out from Mark that Cathy is in love with him, and he's "halfway" fallen for her. He says Cathy told him that she could never let someone she loved be with other people, and that it's more natural to be jealous of your partner. She also has apparently been telling him that I'm not good for him, and advising him to leave me. Mark tentatively decided to stay with me after all, and Cathy responded by ending their sexual relationship. He told me that things were over with her, and I was kind of relieved, but I found out yesterday that they're still being sexual online, they still talk every day, they're physically affectionate and he goes to see her a lot. Basically, she's still his primary confidante. He also says that until he's "sure" that he wants to stay with me, he's going to keep dating her... and she knows this, as well.

I really love this guy, and I don't want to lose him. We've been arguing a lot over boundaries, and I know it's hurting him, and he sees me as the sole source of discontent in his life. I'm worried that his seeing Cathy is going to really make it hard for us to have a good relationship. I was hoping that Mark would keep things more casual, or bring in someone we both had chemistry with, and I feel like this is not what I signed up for. I know I need to talk to Cathy, but I'm terrified because I feel like she has me over a barrel... he's quoted her as saying some very critical things about me, and I'm worried she will just tell me to get lost. Would it be possible for you guys to give me some suggestions on what to do?

Thanks for reading...

Kaylee
Wait a minute-why do you say you really love this guy? I really SHOULD know that before I can even begin to address any of the rest of this post... but somehow I fear you won't answer before I go to bed-so I will probably pull a HMA and tell you what I think without knowing anyway.
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Old 10-22-2009, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by ceoli View Post
first, wow! This has to be an incredibly painful situation for you! Hugs for that.

Now to the hard stuff.

You seem to have two problems: Mark and cathy.
omg i am so fucking in love with you right now ceoli!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-22-2009, 05:26 AM
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Quite frankly: fuck her. And I don't mean that in the fun way.
YEP madly in love with you and can't even finish reading your post!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-22-2009, 05:27 AM
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Im so glad LR and Ceoli jumped in ( had to many drinks) but honestly you need to get rid of him and find some selfrespect and love for yourself..Srry but its for the best..


Peace and love again
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Old 10-22-2009, 05:29 AM
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omg i am so fucking in love with you right now ceoli!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Want to move to Alaska? Just had to add my love also Ceoli
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Old 10-22-2009, 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Kaylee View Post
I'm new here, and trying to figure out how to deal with my current poly relationship, which has taken some unexpected turns.

In summary: I've been poly before, in a poly-fi triad with a guy and a bi girl. It ended after a year and a half, when the girl became a man... the other guy (call him "Mark") in the relationship is straight. So "Mark" and I decided to be monogamous until recently, and he and I are now engaged.

A couple months ago, Mark brought up the possibility of being with other people. He said he really didn't want me to be with other people (due to jealousy issues), but he wanted to see someone else casually. I wanted to make him happy, and I figured his having a casual relationship with another girl wouldn't come in the way of my needs being met, so I agreed. I also figured he'd come around and let me see someone else eventually... that didn't end up happening, though. It was something of a point of contention between us, but I dropped it when I realized that it just wasn't worth hurting him over.

Mark started seeing a girl right away... literally, two hours after we had the discussion about seeing someone else (Let's call her "Cathy"). He says Cathy told him that she wanted to definitely discuss boundaries with me one-on-one before sleeping with him. But that didn't happen... in fact, I haven't been able to have a single one-on-one conversation with her so far. She's always had Mark ask me if they could do things, or not asked at all (eg, in the case of being intimate at our place). Cathy also said she was interested in me romantically (bi-curious), but said it would have to be on her terms, and that she'd let me know when she wanted to sleep with me. When the three of us have hung out, I've felt like it was hard to get a word in edgewise.

Then last week, I found out from Mark that Cathy is in love with him, and he's "halfway" fallen for her. He says Cathy told him that she could never let someone she loved be with other people, and that it's more natural to be jealous of your partner. She also has apparently been telling him that I'm not good for him, and advising him to leave me. Mark tentatively decided to stay with me after all, and Cathy responded by ending their sexual relationship. He told me that things were over with her, and I was kind of relieved, but I found out yesterday that they're still being sexual online, they still talk every day, they're physically affectionate and he goes to see her a lot. Basically, she's still his primary confidante. He also says that until he's "sure" that he wants to stay with me, he's going to keep dating her... and she knows this, as well.

I really love this guy, and I don't want to lose him. We've been arguing a lot over boundaries, and I know it's hurting him, and he sees me as the sole source of discontent in his life. I'm worried that his seeing Cathy is going to really make it hard for us to have a good relationship. I was hoping that Mark would keep things more casual, or bring in someone we both had chemistry with, and I feel like this is not what I signed up for. I know I need to talk to Cathy, but I'm terrified because I feel like she has me over a barrel... he's quoted her as saying some very critical things about me, and I'm worried she will just tell me to get lost. Would it be possible for you guys to give me some suggestions on what to do?

Thanks for reading...

Kaylee
Where on earth do I start?
First-what they said up above!

Second-honey-answer these:

what is it that makes you feel so worthless?
Why do you doubt your value in a relationship?
What on earth makes you want to be abused & taken advantage of?
Why is it that you doubt what you need matters?

I can't begin to tell you how painful it is to make yourself suffer needlessly only to later find out that the other person never did care.
I also can't begin to tell you how wonderfully exhilarating it is to know what it's like to be loved for who you are, how you are and where you are in life with no limitation.

Go find a real man-(or woman) who knows how to love you FOR YOU, not for what kind of doormat you can be for them.
Read on here-as many threads as it takes for you to figure out that YOU can and do deserve to be LOVED by the person(s) you devote yourself to loving.
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  #10  
Old 10-22-2009, 06:58 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Oh this is hilarious.... LR and Maca... you are hilarious. I love you guys...you two Ceoli you are such a hot item on here! If only they all knew how cute you are in real life (trying to get you some dates sweetie, hope that's okay?)

Anyway, Kaylee, this has been a topic before on our dear forum... you are not new to this situation. Have a look around and see what others have said... this is why I wish people would tag threads so that others can do a more thorough search for stuff that is relevant to them grrrr....

Anyway again.... yup, your Mark seems to be a little gun happy with the term "Poly." Perhaps a wee gander on here would show him that respecting a partners boundaries is number one. He seems to be in a state of NRE that makes him feel awesome and is forgetting (because NRE fucks with your head and hormones) that you have boundaries around this.

Ya, if it continues then I think I would leave... well actually I would leave now really. Once those boundaries are not respected for me in such a repetitive manner I can't go back from that and frankly the relationship is forever changed so what is the point. Perhaps if you leave he may become panicked (your panic about it will be given/translated/past over to him,,,, about time you get a rest from it too I might add!) and decide to change his ways and actually include you in his relationship as far as establishing boundries, which is kind of the point to it all in the first place, or will decide he wants to move on... at least you will know.
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