Another Post Advice

Aphraxad

New member
Just found my way to this forum for the first time looking for some resources. Read a lot of other posts trying to find something relevant to my situation. Seems like most people posting on here are asking for advice, so I guess i'll do the same.

Background
My wife and I have been together for 6 years. We started as a closed triad and when our ex left the situation we were open to the idea of another third but took a multi year break from that even though the idea was still on the table. In the last 9 months we decided to ditch all of the rules we had in place about just dating people together and go completely open poly. We have dated one woman together for the summer, and separately we have gone out with roughly 6 to 9 people each. All of those have ended up being just casual dates or a casual one or two time hook up other than a woman that i have been dating regularly and increasingly seriously for 5 months now.

The wife and I had our ups and downs but for the most part, poly books, podcasts, some therapy, and lots of communication have gotten us though the starting poly roadbumps and into a pretty comfortable situation with relatively little drama for how rocky that situation can be.

My wife had no problem at all with my relationship with my girlfriend at first. She was fine the first time we went away for the weekend together. Has gotten used to us spending 2 nights a week together. The three of us spent new years together very comfortably. But recently my wife has been starting to feel like now that the girlfriend is a part of most things in my life, from holidays to my friend circle, that she has lost something. She is having a hard time not feeling displaced by my new relationship.

So i'm looking for advice both for my wife to help process the source of these feelings, and for me to find ways that I can effectively be supportive of her needs and find a way to reinforce how important she is to me so that she wouldn't have to feel insecure. Any personal stories, tips, or reading materials would be appreciated.
 
Hello Aphraxad,

Your wife may be experiencing some of the things described in, Are You in Poly Hell? You might want to read that article in order to come to a better understanding of where your wife is coming from. Especially the displacement part.

Right now your wife is losing something. She is losing the specialness of being your one and only. She is going through a process of mourning, she is mourning for the loss of the relationship she had with you. Yes she has a relationship with you now, but it is different from the relationship she used to have. Now she is sharing you.

It will probably help if you can reassure her often of how important she is to you, and of how much you care about her. You should do that. But I also think it will help if you can empathize with how she's feeling. Understand why she would feel that way. Express that understanding.

These are my initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If your gf is always around... your wife needs more one on one time with you. Take her away on a vacation. Make sure to date her several times a month! No relationship can survive without that kind of intimacy.
 
You never know which little boundaries are going to cause the most angst.

We do not mix friends or family. The wife and mistress communicate and meet, but just the three of us and not with other family or friends. Sex together, it's okay but better separate. A lot.

It's clear to me that not mixing friends and family, especially the kids, is waaaay better for my wife. Even the slightest move in that direction was really bad for us. It was instantly corrected. But it was something the wife claimed she could handle and the results proved she was really, really wrong.

The wife is secure because for one thing she has all of her friends and family that the mistress is not usurping.

Well, the fact is my wife is completely in charge. If we are without a mistress then anyone we meet is going to know straight away what the deal is, eye-to-eye.

The wife has to be kept out of the intimacy with the mistress. The wife would run the entire film reel in the bedroom if you let her. Too bossy.

If my wife needs a "rescue mission", if I have to fly her up for a four-day mountain bike backpack expedition to some remote springs or something - no problem. She lets us live together, I think the longest stretch has to be well over a month.

But we are in constant communication. My wife is going to know my itinerary for the day with the mistress, and neither of us two cares that she knows. Where we are going, what we are up to. Not the sex. But it certainly reinforces that everything is at my wife's discretion.

Not for everyone, or even the majority. But that's how we do it. Plus the Rule of 5. If you are with the Mistress on Valentine's day for example, you take her gift and multiply by 5. That tells you the wife's gift. I have found that math to be invincible, lol.
 
You never know which little boundaries are going to cause the most angst.

We do not mix friends or family. The wife and mistress communicate and meet, but just the three of us and not with other family or friends. Sex together, it's okay but better separate. A lot.

It's clear to me that not mixing friends and family, especially the kids, is waaaay better for my wife. Even the slightest move in that direction was really bad for us. It was instantly corrected. But it was something the wife claimed she could handle and the results proved she was really, really wrong.

The wife is secure because for one thing she has all of her friends and family that the mistress is not usurping.

Well, the fact is my wife is completely in charge. If we are without a mistress then anyone we meet is going to know straight away what the deal is, eye-to-eye.

The wife has to be kept out of the intimacy with the mistress. The wife would run the entire film reel in the bedroom if you let her. Too bossy.

If my wife needs a "rescue mission", if I have to fly her up for a four-day mountain bike backpack expedition to some remote springs or something - no problem. She lets us live together, I think the longest stretch has to be well over a month.

But we are in constant communication. My wife is going to know my itinerary for the day with the mistress, and neither of us two cares that she knows. Where we are going, what we are up to. Not the sex. But it certainly reinforces that everything is at my wife's discretion.

Not for everyone, or even the majority. But that's how we do it. Plus the Rule of 5. If you are with the Mistress on Valentine's day for example, you take her gift and multiply by 5. That tells you the wife's gift. I have found that math to be invincible, lol.

I dunno. I consider that we practice hierarchy... but this makes even me feel uncomfortable. But hey, whatever works as long as everyone involved is consenting.
 
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