"Dear Mr. and Mrs. UH, I'm not sure how to say this, but..."

Sometimes they get, "oh, geez, that's tough, here what I think and what happened to me. Maybe it will help you sort it out" I find the latter to be far more helpful as it give the person their power back to make their own choices.
I completely agree. I don't have a problem with honesty or even bluntness. What I have a problem with, and what I think is difficult to get across without specific examples (though I take Annabel's point of discussing this in general terms) is when bluntness crosses a line to insulting. It may be I'm particularly sensitive to this because I personally work hard to curb my own bluntness and sarcasm. There is no tone in text so extra care should be taken to make sure that your words can be understood as intended regardless of tone. I find it interesting, though, and perhaps telling how many comments turned "being kind and compassionate" into coddling, "Aww, that's okay" and "everything will be alright". That isn't what I mean at all. Say what you feel needs to be said, absolutely, but there's a huge difference between, "I think you really need to take a look at your situation and the potential damage it could cause, because is this what I'm worried about:" and, "Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me?? You can't be serious. I feel sick just reading this." (Both of those "quotes" are made up by me, as examples. They are not actual quotes of anything.) The latter is about as helpful as coddling, which is not at all.

So, I suggest, ignoring the harsh with understanding and empathy and embrace the positive, supportive kindness.
I will try. Perhaps instead of calling out specific posters in a thread I will notify the mods when I feel there's a post that's REALLY out of line.
We make people work on their shit. :D that to me is how it should be.
True dat!
 
I will try. Perhaps instead of calling out specific posters in a thread I will notify the mods when I feel there's a post that's REALLY out of line.
I would really appreciate that. I have my own poly stuff going these days :D it could take a bit to sort and any direction to anything that looks out of the norm is always helpful. Thanks :)
 
I completely agree. I don't have a problem with honesty or even bluntness. What I have a problem with, and what I think is difficult to get across without specific examples (though I take Annabel's point of discussing this in general terms) is when bluntness crosses a line to insulting.

That's subjective. I haven't seen every newb come here and then leave because they feel insulted; might apply to some, doesn't apply to all. It has happened, for sure, but I've also been witness to people being appreciative about a bare-bones approach, even with stinging words involved.

It may be I'm particularly sensitive to this because I personally work hard to curb my own bluntness and sarcasm. There is no tone in text so extra care should be taken to make sure that your words can be understood as intended regardless of tone.

But curbing isn't always an option for other people. You may feel it's problematic so you're doing something about it. Outside of that others will view it differently. And there is tone in text. Books are full of tone in text. Posts on a forum on the Internet are no different. No matter how you word something there will always be one other person who misinterprets what you're trying to get across. Period. Online and offline.

I find it interesting, though, and perhaps telling how many comments turned "being kind and compassionate" into coddling, "Aww, that's okay" and "everything will be alright". That isn't what I mean at all. Say what you feel needs to be said, absolutely, but there's a huge difference between, "I think you really need to take a look at your situation and the potential damage it could cause, because is this what I'm worried about:" and, "Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me?? You can't be serious. I feel sick just reading this." (Both of those "quotes" are made up by me, as examples. They are not actual quotes of anything.) The latter is about as helpful as coddling, which is not at all.

I won't debate the coddling thing, because I've seen it. Just like I've seen that last example.
 
That's subjective. I haven't seen every newb come here and then leave because they feel insulted; might apply to some, doesn't apply to all. It has happened, for sure, but I've also been witness to people being appreciative about a bare-bones approach, even with stinging words involved.
Not sure what the point is here? Of course it doesn't happen every time. I wouldn't even say it happens most times. I think the current discussion is centered on what to do when it DOES happen (because it definitely happens!). Do we ignore it? Say something? Is it worth posters trying to make their posts less caustic? Or is it reasonable to say that this is the internet, posters old and new get what they get and if they don't like it, tough?
And there is tone in text. Books are full of tone in text. Posts on a forum on the Internet are no different. No matter how you word something there will always be one other person who misinterprets what you're trying to get across. Period. Online and offline.
Okay, I will clarify. GOOD writers can often get an accurate tone across in text. Many, MANY posters on internet forums (this and others) are not good enough writers to accurately portray their intended tone in text. So again, the question as I see it is: How much do we each care about how our posts are perceived/received? Is it worth trying to be more careful about language or is a "Fuck it" attitude acceptable?
I won't debate the coddling thing, because I've seen it. Just like I've seen that last example.
Debate...what? That it's not effective? Or that it happens? Of course it happens, I don't believe anyone ever said otherwise, so again I'm not sure what your point was.
 
Not sure what the point is here? Of course it doesn't happen every time. I wouldn't even say it happens most times. I think the current discussion is centered on what to do when it DOES happen (because it definitely happens!). Do we ignore it? Say something? Is it worth posters trying to make their posts less caustic? Or is it reasonable to say that this is the internet, posters old and new get what they get and if they don't like it, tough?

I think it's unreasonable to expect people to change the way they post, especially when there are options available that allow you to pretty much forget they exist, if it's that bothersome. An outright insistence makes it seem like new posters are incapable of handling themselves. Feeling insulted for someone doesn't mean they feel the same way you do.


Okay, I will clarify. GOOD writers can often get an accurate tone across in text. Many, MANY posters on internet forums (this and others) are not good enough writers to accurately portray their intended tone in text. So again, the question as I see it is: How much do we each care about how our posts are perceived/received? Is it worth trying to be more careful about language or is a "Fuck it" attitude acceptable?

But that's assuming everyone has time to sit down and reread everything they type before hitting submit. It could be perceived that they don't care. Does that mean they don't? Not necessarily. Like I said before, things get misinterpreted all. the. time. It happens. We don't all like the way everyone says things. We also have, and exercise, the option of challenging posts. As long as that is in place anything about a "fuck it" attitude does not go unnoticed or unchecked.


Debate...what? That it's not effective? Or that it happens? Of course it happens, I don't believe anyone ever said otherwise, so again I'm not sure what your point was.

You mentioned people coming in the thread and turning "kind and compassionate" into "coddling" and my response to that is, there hasn't been any.
 
I think it's unreasonable to expect people to change the way they post
So in redpepper's words, "We make people work on their shit" is only supposed to apply to things like shucking off the societal expectations of monogamy, jealousy, etc? We can't apply it to written communication? I'm trying to find a way to make that seem less snarky/sarcastic, but I'm at a loss. Is it really so unreasonable to ask that people try to think a little more about how their words might be perceived by others? We won't always be successful, of course, but I think the effort of trying and then recognizing when and why we are unsuccessful is important.
An outright insistence makes it seem like new posters are incapable of handling themselves. Feeling insulted for someone doesn't mean they feel the same way you do.
I think I stated before, just because someone CAN handle something on their own doesn't mean they should HAVE to. Generally people come here for support of some kind, and sometimes my support is given in the thread, sometimes by PM. You could turn your own point around to say that someone capable of handling themselves against someone I see as insulting is also capable of telling me to butt out! :D
But that's assuming everyone has time to sit down and reread everything they type before hitting submit. It could be perceived that they don't care. Does that mean they don't? Not necessarily. Like I said before, things get misinterpreted all. the. time. It happens. We don't all like the way everyone says things. We also have, and exercise, the option of challenging posts. As long as that is in place anything about a "fuck it" attitude does not go unnoticed or unchecked.
Working backwards, isn't that what we're doing here? Aren't we challenging ideas based on things we've noticed? Or were you only talking about the "report this post" icon?

And yes, I assume that usually someone taking the time to read about and comment on the problems of a stranger can take the extra minute or two after the 10 or whatever they've already put in to double-check what they've written. Not everything it always going to be caught, because we're all human, but to me part of respecting others is putting that time in.
 
So in redpepper's words, "We make people work on their shit" is only supposed to apply to things like shucking off the societal expectations of monogamy, jealousy, etc? We can't apply it to written communication? I'm trying to find a way to make that seem less snarky/sarcastic, but I'm at a loss. Is it really so unreasonable to ask that people try to think a little more about how their words might be perceived by others? We won't always be successful, of course, but I think the effort of trying and then recognizing when and why we are unsuccessful is important.
Wow you took that as snarky and sarcastic? Where I come from its just an expression that means we all come here to work on stuff going on for us and to be challenged on how we do things. Case in point, I'm being challenged by you ThatGirlInGray. Got it. I will look at how I say things. Especially on threads you are writing on. It sounds like some extra attention to these kinds of details is important to you.

Edit: actually, having read the response you gave about something I wrote about cheating on another thread... Please block my posts ThatGirlInGray. I think its just going to make you feel a lot better as I seem to annoy you no matter what I say. Thanks. :) Then we can all carry on.
 
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Woah, hang on! Looks like it's time for me to apologize, and there's evidence right there that no matter how hard one tries to be clear, yes, misunderstandings can still happen!

Redpepper, I'm so sorry, I in NO way meant that YOUR words were snarky or sarcastic. I was quoting you because you're absolutely right. This IS a place that has high expectations of working on one's issues rather than ignoring them, and I agree with you that it definitely should be that way! I meant MY questions were snarky/sarcastic. This part:
only supposed to apply to things like shucking off the societal expectations of monogamy, jealousy, etc? We can't apply it to written communication?
I was trying to find a way to write that part so the questions came off as sincere, rather than sarcastic, but I guess I got it all muddled in my head this time! Again, my apologies, I didn't realize there was a way to read it as me thinking YOU were being sarcastic or snarky. Not at all. I don't remember EVER reading a post by you that came off as sarcastic or snarky.

Back to the overall thread, I think I couldn't mentally get around my own sarcastic tone this time because I feel it's rather ridiculous to claim that asking people to work on how they communicate is unreasonable, especially on a relationships forum where we espouse over and over how important communication is! Yes, it's the internet, and yes, we're mostly strangers to each other, but I don't see those as reasons to treat what we say to each other or how we say it as less important.

It's not going to be perfect and misunderstandings will certainly still occur, I just can't understand the people who seem to be against even trying. It doesn't make sense to me.
 
This discussion has been going on a while now, and I don't see any reason to interrupt such discourse at all, but I wanted to take this opportunity to haul out some key portions of the user guidelines that I think apply to this discussion, and is worth all members new and old to read and consider from time to time.

•Welcome

These discussion boards were founded to provide space for all manner of discussion about polyamory, a form of ethical non-monogamy. The intent is to provide a venue to speak frankly about the personal issues and relationship issues involved in balancing multiple relationships at one time. The founder and moderation staff hope that site members can find kindred souls to offer support and insight in a civil and possibly friendly, caring fashion, though the latter is certainly not a given when considering the nature of the Internet.

•Why We’re Here

Our site founder, Olivier, founded the boards for the purpose of creating an environment where people can find help, respect, and support for their situations. Polyamory.com is intended to be an informative place, where poly folk can come for friendly discussion, support from peers, and a bit of TLC. That’s not to say that everybody found on the boards will be the sort of person you’d share a coffee with to chat, nor that the conversations will always be warm and friendly; we only work to ensure that discussions remain civil.

•What’s Expected and Allowed

First and foremost, we expect members to respect these guidelines. We have rules in place to ensure that we can offer our members a place to discuss issues that is free from ..., overwrought drama, and generally boorish behavior. This forum is a home of sorts, and where we wouldn't allow salesmen to work our holiday parties nor drunken jackasses to abuse other dinner guests, we won't allow that sort of thing here, either.

•Communicate

We want to point out that not everybody involved will communicate in the same fashion. There are bound to be sparks flying at times, as people with different discussion styles come in conflict. We don’t mind that. We also expect folks who engage in those discussions to exhibit a good deal of restraint and work out the issues through continued communication—you know, that communication thing that is so important to relationships!

Should you ever wonder if somebody’s trying to insult you or demean you or otherwise deliberately hurt your feelings, we’d like you to ask for clarification. Indeed, if you’re feeling put out by another member, instead of making a mess on the boards, take it to private messaging and ask what’s going on. We imagine a majority of perceived personal slights could be laid to rest through simply asking what’s going on in a PM.

Something that people may want to consider in using to gauge themselves... how do you behave when you have dinner guests over at your place... and how might that differ from how you would treat other dinner guests when at a friend's house?

That is all.
 
That is all.
Yer awesome. That is all. :D

ThatGirlInGray: no worries. :)

As an add though, seriously, having been through the hate before on line I would much rather just people cut me out of their lives. In real life I would never revert to that immediately, but on line I find that long drawn out flaming and trying to make sense of stuff and trying to patch things is exhausting. Its just not worth it any more. Most of the time I read stuff now, don't take it at all seriously and move on.

I didn't take what you said seriously TGIG. I was trying to be more helpful than anything else. I would hate anyone to get to a point of being distracted by annoyance and would give the same advice to them also.
 
Is it really so unreasonable to ask that people try to think a little more about how their words might be perceived by others?

...I feel it's rather ridiculous to claim that asking people to work on how they communicate is unreasonable, especially on a relationships forum where we espouse over and over how important communication is! Yes, it's the internet, and yes, we're mostly strangers to each other, but I don't see those as reasons to treat what we say to each other or how we say it as less important.

It's not going to be perfect and misunderstandings will certainly still occur, I just can't understand the people who seem to be against even trying. It doesn't make sense to me.

I think it is rather arrogant to assume that the authors of the posts you find offensive didn't think about what they were writing, or that they do not consider the impact of their words as important. Are you appointing yourself the arbiter of kind and helpful posts now? Just because you and 100 other people don't like what was written nor how it was written, does not mean it was thoughtlessly, carelessly, or vindictively written. Yes, believe it or not, oftentimes a great deal of thought and consideration goes into posts that could possibly be received as harsh. It seems you are trying to apply your subjective taste onto other people, as if your preferences are the standards we should all use.

You remind me of the people that get bent out of shape if someone bumps into or brushes up against them in a crowded subway car. Hello? It's the subway, if you have a problem with crowds and having strangers in close proximity, take another means of transportation or get in a less crowded car. But bitching and moaning about it isn't going to change the fact that we're all jammed in here like sardines and have to be in close contact with strangers. In other words, it takes all kinds of people to make up a community and sometimes there are people you like and others you avoid and ignore. This is a public forum on the internet and, for the most part, people stay within the guidelines and if they do not, the Moderators step in. Perhaps you are being unrealistic in your expectations and wanting people to post the way you think they should.
 
Perhaps you are being unrealistic in your expectations and wanting people to post the way you think they should.

I suppose it all depends on how one defines civil. In London I experience civility when someone is polite to me. In NY I'm happy when they don't shoot me.

(Just kidding!!)

Indeed, behavioural expectations can be at the root of many a misunderstanding.
 
I suppose it all depends on how one defines civil. In London I experience civility when someone is polite to me. In NY I'm happy when they don't shoot me.

(Just kidding!!)

Indeed, behavioural expectations can be at the root of many a misunderstanding.

That's some of what I was getting at: your own personal expectations for how you should respond and be perceived doesn't apply to other people. It only applies to you.
 
Good communication will probably always be the most challenging, and the most necessary, part of any relationship, be it a mere online relationship with a stranger you've never met, or a real-life relationship with a poly partner. Perfect communication would probably take me millions of years to learn, assuming it could ever be perfect. I am conscious of my own lack of know-how, and try to improve how I communicate with each new word I say or write. Sometimes I succeed in these improvements, sometimes not.

As someone with an admittedly thin skin, I tend to be very self-conscious about what kind of impact my words might have on others. If I had a thick skin, I might not be so sympathetic towards thin-skinned people. But my handicap forces me to be as sensitive towards others as possible. And yet I still often fail, as I haven't mastered the ability to make myself clearly understood. (Or perhaps some would say my clarity is redundant.)

I come from a relatively gentle forum, Polyamory Percolations, which has a fairly tight set of user guidelines. I knew, when I read the Polyamory.com User Guidelines, that I was in for a rougher ride if I started posting here (and reading the responses to my posts). I took that into account when I started posting. When I got the "tough love" treatment (from several posters), I accepted it. I knew the risks I had taken. I accepted the distress I experienced as part of the experience I'd asked for. I was responsible for whatever effect it had on me. So I got over it and moved on (pretty much).

But since forthright-versus-solicitous is being debated with respect to what kind of locution is appropriate for which threads, I'll cast my vote for a more gentle tone (and choice of words) in threads in general (not singling out any thread in particular, as some threads arguably do merit some tough talk). It always strikes me as sad that the physical distance across internet forums separates us psychologically as well. If we could just get along, I often say to myself.

I know the User Guidelines don't support my position, but we shouldn't have to be "forced to be nice" anyway. It's something that should come from the heart.

I believe we're all beginners when it comes to communication. We can all learn to do better. When I post, even if it's about something mundane I've "heard a thousand times," I try to remember that what I am posting is going to be out there for all the world to see. No matter what the Guidelines say, I want to contribute to a gentler online community. It's just my personal opinion, my personal goal, and I wouldn't presume to act as if I have some right to tell others what to do. If you're posting within the Guidelines, you're in the clear.

But here are the quotes that really shined for me when I read this thread:

"I have to remind myself that attacking people in no way whatsoever makes them more likely to hear you."
-- AnnabelMore, Post #1

"It can be challenging to hear 'negative' feedback even in a PM, but it can become almost impossible if three or four (or more) people chime in and newbies end up feeling totally dominated in a public forum. The words shaming, bullying and attacking come to mind, and none of those are very conducive to growth."
-- BaggagePatrol, Post #11

"To me encouragement and listening goes a lot farther than advice or assumption ever does ..."
-- BaggagePatrol, Post #11

"Say what you feel needs to be said, absolutely, but there's a huge difference between, 'I think you really need to take a look at your situation and the potential damage it could cause, because is this what I'm worried about:' and, 'Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me?? You can't be serious. I feel sick just reading this.' (Both of those 'quotes' are made up by me, as examples. They are not actual quotes of anything.) The latter is about as helpful as coddling, which is not at all."
-- ThatGirlInGray, Post #41

"So in redpepper's words, 'We make people work on their shit' is only supposed to apply to things like shucking off the societal expectations of monogamy, jealousy, etc.? We can't apply it to written communication?"
-- ThatGirlInGray, Post #47

"I feel it's rather ridiculous to claim that asking people to work on how they communicate is unreasonable, especially on a *relationships* forum where we espouse over and over how important communication is!"
-- ThatGirlInGray, Post #49

In general, if you can think of two ways to say something, and both ways get the point across, then, consider using the softer way. Especially in the cases of beginners who are "getting hit from all sides." It's the question of what's not enough, or what's too much. I know it's a judgment call. I just ask people (any who might be willing to hear me on this) to err on the side of kindness, and to consider a wider range of possibilities in how things can be said -- and what kind of locution is really going to be the most effective/helpful. A little imagination can go a long way.

I guess that's all I have to say for now.
 
I come from a relatively gentle forum, Polyamory Percolations, which has a fairly tight set of user guidelines. I knew, when I read the Polyamory.com User Guidelines, that I was in for a rougher ride if I started posting here (and reading the responses to my posts). I took that into account when I started posting. When I got the "tough love" treatment (from several posters), I accepted it. I knew the risks I had taken. I accepted the distress I experienced as part of the experience I'd asked for. I was responsible for whatever effect it had on me. So I got over it and moved on (pretty much).

But since forthright-versus-solicitous is being debated with respect to what kind of locution is appropriate for which threads, I'll cast my vote for a more gentle tone (and choice of words) in threads in general (not singling out any thread in particular, as some threads arguably do merit some tough talk). It always strikes me as sad that the physical distance across internet forums separates us psychologically as well. If we could just get along, I often say to myself.

I know the User Guidelines don't support my position, but we shouldn't have to be "forced to be nice" anyway. It's something that should come from the heart.

I believe we're all beginners when it comes to communication. We can all learn to do better. When I post, even if it's about something mundane I've "heard a thousand times," I try to remember that what I am posting is going to be out there for all the world to see. No matter what the Guidelines say, I want to contribute to a gentler online community. It's just my personal opinion, my personal goal, and I wouldn't presume to act as if I have some right to tell others what to do. If you're posting within the Guidelines, you're in the clear.

I appreciate you sharing both your views and your experience here. Your vote for a kinder gentler forum is noted, and I both agree that it'd be great if people were nicer to each other, and like the fact that you take responsibility to handle the less kind responses that sometimes happen here. I don't think the guidelines wouldn't support your position, but they just don't enforce your preference.

This particular forum has always been a bit of a tradeoff. We want it to be a place for people to share their experiences and get advice, discuss issues etc. Our approach is generally hands off as much as possible and in my viewpoint that's been for a few key reasons.

We want people to be able to express themselves with minimal fear of censorship, even when what they have to say may be controversial. I used to enjoy a good debate at home IRL years ago, but it requires that people to respect each others opinions, but also take responsibility for the debates, discussions, and conflicts that may arise from their own actions.

But also, like real life, or the dinner party example, there aren't referee's sitting around to constantly police their guests to be nice and gentle with each other. So unless there's a serious issue where we get complaints, we leave it to members of this community to practice all the classic poly skills, as well as the more universal set of everyday interpersonal communications. Whether tough love, or gentle touchy feely, or something in between, each person comes from a place of what works for them.

The community is mostly self regulating on it's own...which is where threads like this are awesome. Not necessarily to badger each other into changing the way we conduct ourselves, but at least communicate about what affect certain communication styles have on others, and raise awareness of how our behavior can affect others, both where it helps, and where it can hinder. And that can apply equally to the kinder gentler styles, and the tough love styles.

It's not up to the mods to make everyone be kind, nor to insist that people aren't coddled, or to sooth them when they don't like the way a dose of reality was reflected to them. It's up to the members of the community to figure out how much of each is the right balance, both in general and for the individuals that we're trying to help. At the end of the day, regardless of the method being employed, I think everyone here has a sincere desire to help their fellows on this forum.

Ok...I'll stop interrupting again.
 
I've noticed a trend in my own posting that I think probably holds true for many others. I used to post more. Now I was never a super poster but I would comment, offer suggestions, chat, create a few threads, etc.

I post much less now although I still read frequently. The reason is largely empathy fatigue. I read many posts and my first thought is often that the situation is so completely fucked up that nothing I say would be at all useful. I am amazed that so many other posters try to help those poor fucks. They are better people than I.

Another common reaction I have is about the folks who are rushing headlong, skipping really, right towards the cliff. Now some might slow or stop their heedless skipping but many, maybe most, won't. They will fling themselves right off that cliff regardless of what I post. So I see little point in posting the equivalent of 'Hey watch out for that cliff!' or 'Tough terrain ahead! Be prepared!' to people who won't listen. I'm a big believer in learning from other people fails - and have offered my own fails for their education - but I have very little respect or interest in people who have to learn everything the hard way. To me, that's just as stupid as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I have also tried to explain, politely, to posters why I perceive their posts as creepy. One poster in particular wanted to protect - by fucking - the young, hot women in his life who made poor choices in boyfriends. I didn't expect thank you's or a 'You're right!' because no one likes criticism. I was hoping for a dialogue. I got crickets.

Finally, there are the posters who make me morph into Dr. Phil. I hate Dr. Phil. He's an arrogant, rigidly mainstream, asshole. But there are posts that are so pathetic that I just want to tell them to grow the fuck up, develop a fucking backbone, figure out what you want - not what others want - and go make it happen. And then deal with the consequences without whining.

I realize these first thoughts are not helpful. So I don't post them. However, sometimes, maybe I should.

Here's the reason. I had the same repulsed reaction to the initial post in the 'Teacher and Protector' thread as NYCindie. I didn't post anything because I thought 'headed for the shitstorm - nothing to be done here'.

However, NYCindie did. And without that not so considerate post, we would not have learned that the potential situation in 'Teacher and Protector' is actually not as creepy as I first thought, and apparently the OP has learned some things and is now thinking about stuff she may not have thought about before. Also, without that thread, perhaps Annabelle may not have started this here very productive thread. Maybe NYCindie should have been more diplomatic. But maybe she would not have been heard by the OP or others if she had been more restrained.

I hung out at Poly Perc when I first started exploring. There are neat people there. However, there is also not much going on and I quickly found it boring. The more gentle guidelines are admirable and certainly there sould be a place for gentle poly criticism. But they can contribute to a dull forum, in my opinion. Now I don't want to turn this place into 4chan but I find the current balance generally positive.

And in my more evil moments, I wonder what NeonKas would have done!
 
I post much less now although I still read frequently. The reason is largely empathy fatigue. I read many posts and my first thought is often that the situation is so completely fucked up that nothing I say would be at all useful. I am amazed that so many other posters try to help those poor fucks. They are better people than I.
Oh believe me, I have had more than my fair share of what I call "train-wreck burn-out" - the idea that there are only so many times that you can try to pull everything back from the precipice towards which you know it's heading. I tend to take a break from posting (and even reading), and then come back when I have the requisite energy and patience.
 
Ok...I'll stop interrupting again.
You're not interrupting! It's very useful and illuminating to get the moderators' perspectives and input on a topic such as this.

The fact is, I don't think most people bother to read the guidelines or get a feel for the forum before posting and so they expect it to be like others to which they've belonged. And obviously, it is not.

Opalescent, you make some great points, too.
And in my more evil moments, I wonder what NeonKas would have done!
LOL, I often think of NeonKaos when the really weird and wild threads come up. Geez, if people think I'm harsh in my bluntness...
 
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I have very little respect or interest in people who have to learn everything the hard way. To me, that's just as stupid as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I wonder why people post at all if they're not interested in feedback, and potentially learning from that feedback. Do they perceive this forum as place that will simply provide unqualified positive support once they decide that they are 'poly'? "I've joined the club, please love me"....

I have also tried to explain, politely, to posters why I perceive their posts as creepy.
Creepy? Just out of curiosity, what exactly is a poster to do if their post is labeled as 'creepy' by you? Just because their behaviour/presentation style/situation is not in your comfort zone doesn't mean it's wrong, does it?

What does 'creepy' mean to you anyway? (but that might be off-topic. PM is fine)

But there are posts that are so pathetic that I just want to tell them to grow the fuck up, develop a fucking backbone, figure out what you want - not what others want - and go make it happen. And then deal with the consequences without whining.

Since this thread is about style / tone in posting, I'd be interested to know if you're, ahem, this straightforward in your real life interactions. If so, and if it works, then maybe there is nothing wrong with reflecting this in your postings. In many ways it might be easier for people to get some 'tough love' from a stranger far away :)
 
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