We talked this morning, and we talked again this evening. This morning did not go well, and, after a week of me getting the cold shoulder, I thought my wife was slipping away. I could have pulled the pin on the grenade by going out and buying a new motorcycle (that I really want, and that she's opposed to me getting, and rationally, she's right--I need to finish paying for some other stuff first), and despite spending the day angrily thinking that although my wife's opinion is something that carries weight, my roommate's opinion is merely interesting, better judgement prevailed--I didn't buy the bike.
This afternoon and evening, we talked in circles for awhile. She asked me to describe how, in my dream world, seeing someone else might work, so I described the ideal of she and an OSO meeting (the revulsion on her face said it all) and being friends, and she started to protest, but I reminded her that she asked what the ideal was, and I was just telling her. I told her that before anything would even ever get that far, I'd tell her at the first inkling that I was interested in someone, and she'd be fully informed the whole way.
She asked what she would get out of all of this. I tried to get into the notions that time becomes more precious when it becomes more scarce, so time spent with her would be more deliberate and focussed, and she responded rhetorically that it would take bringing someone else into our lives to get that? The notion that I'd be happier to be around because I wasn't frustrated and resentful didn't seem prudent to me to raise just now, so we moved on.
We discussed jealousy, and fears of abandonment or replacement, and child-rearing. I said that many people make it work, and many people don't. I said that a metamour (though I didn't use the jargon) would have to reassure her that the metamour wasn't going to try to steal me away, and my wife asked what kind of assurance she'd be able to have of that, and I said that the assurance I'd give is that if anyone tried to steal me away, I'd drop her like a hot iron, because to me, commitment in a mono/poly marriage means, in part, that the poly will take positive steps to protect the marriage from people who actively try to break it up.
I reiterated several times over the course of the conversation that I will never lie to her, will never sneak around, and will never do anything without mutual agreement. She kept seeking assurance that, if we stay together, it will just be the two of us. I kept responding that I can promise her that I'll be truthful and will never act without mutual agreement, and I understand that she doesn't ever see herself giving assent. I tried to make the point that, when I was younger, I could not have imagined thinking the things I think now, so I can't give her a blanket guarantee that I will never want anything more--merely that I will be truthful and never act without mutual agreement.
The baby step that I got out of all of this in return is that, although she insists that it's over if I ever sleep with anyone else, I can at least talk to her if I notice myself developing feelings for someone. She was hesitant about even that, but I pressed that if we cannot be honest with each other, then our marriage is truly broken (and I believe that--I spent over ten years hiding all of this in the mistaken belief that I was supposed to just suck it up and strive to be Prince Charming, and I'm not going back to that).
Yes, I am still (mostly) repressing myself at this point. No, she might not ever get where I want to be. It's at least half a big toe forward, and for now, I'll take it. Maybe someday, after having conversations about my feelings with her, all while quite visibly keeping my word to not do anything without mutual agreement, she'll unclench bit by bit and I can live more like what I'd want. If it comes to pass that she doesn't, and I can't deal with it any more, then at least we will have tried to understand each other, and it will end honestly. I think she'd still see that as a betrayal at this time, given her desire for a guarantee, but dammit, I am not going to make "forever" promises that I don't know that I can keep--I did that once already, back when we got married (though, then, monogamously acculturated as I was, I thought I could keep it).
There's a lot I'm leaving out. It's late, and I really don't want to type the whole conversation verbatim. It took a lot of talking in circles (as in, her insisting upon her belief as to what marriage is, and then citing that belief as justification for not accepting the idea of anything different) to get to this point. She still doesn't really understand that I did not choose to have feelings for others, or to imagine what it would be like with someone else after a crush developed, as she says she's never had that experience while we've been together, though she seems to be starting to at least grudgingly give me credit for not acting on those feelings behind her back. It's truly a case of a hardwired mono and a hardwired poly who tried to be mono because he thought that's what he was supposed to be, and I am pissed--not at her, but at the fact that, by and large, none of us are raised even being aware that polys exist by nature, rather than just as sleazy pricks who are looking for an excuse to cheat. I feel like we've all been conned, big time, the fallout is severe and painful, and the one life we get goes screaming by in the meantime, while we try to live the monogamous lies we've been taught.