On again---off again---on again???

Like I said, I never really dated. I had one other girlfriend other than my wife. I was pretty lame as a kid. LOL

Yeah...Ummm...This weekend is over now, and I have made the final decision to let them go. They are not willing to be adults. S is unwilling to even look into poly because he thinks that I want his wife as my second wife. :rolleyes: He thinks it's the same as polygamy. :rolleyes:

D and L spoke a lot, apparently. Then, while I sat up in the room getting drunker and drunker, all three of them sat down by the pool talking about our relationship. D and I had developed a different kind of bond....but....S was pissed because of it. Apparently, it's ok for ?HIM to develop those kinds of bonds with other women, but not for D to develop that kind of bond with another guy. Oh well....It stings and hurts.......But we (L and I) have decided not to continue the relationship on in a sexual nature. We are now officially taking another "break". :rolleyes: However, this time, due to some other info that we have found, lies that we caught them in, and other things, we (L & I) have decided that we will remain "friends", but drop the "with bennifits" part and will never sleep with them again.

What I thought was going to be a "great" weekend, turned out to be the worst weekend. :( I was pretty much miserable the whole time, with a few exceptions when my wife and I spent some quality fleeting alone time together.

What did I learn from this weekend?

1) Don't trust anyone. (except maybe your spouse)
2) Never go out with someone else without your own ride.
3) I'm not much for drinking.
4) Not sure if I ever want to look around for anyone else again or even remain open to the idea anymore.
5) Keep the walls up. Build them high and thick so no-one can break through them or get around or even over them. Make my heart like a fortress and only ever give the key to my wife.
6) People will lie to protect themselves for mental pains.
7) People will hurt you un-intentionally as well as intentionally.
8) The only way to win, is not to play.


These things are what I learned from this weekend.




I will still be working with S. and I will still be good friends with D. I will miss the joking and kidding with her as well as the sexual good times we had....But I simply can't continue to hurt my wife, her, or S anymore. :( So I just quit the game.

I'm still gonna be on here posting and lurking and trying to help. But in my personal life...I doubt much will happen as far as poly is concerned.
 
I'm sorry TL. I don't think you need to take to heart all those things. I see a couple of things.

A quad doesn't work unless all four parties want it to.

Relationships don't progress when parties aren't on the same page.


You know better than to think that just because one relationship doesn't work means that all others should be avoided. If you chose to become involved with another, you'd know A LOT better what to look out for before investing much in the relationship.

I understand the gut reactions, but don't let them win. Don't give that couple the pleasure of thinking you're hung up on em either!

Errr, sorry - gut talking.
 
TL4,

I understand where you are coming from but consider this. When you were single did you give up after your first breakup? Or first "being dumped"

Anyways, no need to go into it, just something to think about. Time to start healing and rebuild your strength. I have been at your stage before, its amazing how it can in fact turn around once you heal :)...

Sorry your learned lessons were so painful....

best of luck walking your path :)
 
Ari, thats just it...Before my wife, I only dated one chick. I asked her to marry me, but she declined saying we were too young. (I was 17, she was 16) She was right. At that point, I joined the NAvy. The next time I dated any women, was when I was 19 and started hanging out with my wife. We hung out together (and never had sex or anything) for about a month and then got married. Sooo....yeah.....with my first girlfriend, I left for the Navy. She didn't dump me. She simply declined to marry me, but said she wanted to wait a while.
 
Well now....When did I get so childish????

Ok, yesterday, L and I went over with our son for him to ride his motorcycle. S sent a text asking if we were ok with another cpl to be there also, who we (L and I) can't stand to be around. We introduced them (S&D and this other cpl) and they have started to become a "thing". L and I had already decided after this weekend in Orlando, to simply remain "friends" with S & D. (Which is painful, but do-able) We feel that S & D deliberatly invited this other cpl to see how much we actually care about them (S & D). We went, and were silent most of the time.....being mainly miserable. Anytime someone needed something from the store, we volunteered to go. Finally, we decided to leave.

Today, L came to visit me and have lunch with me at work. (Where I work with S) S came out and couldn't take his eyes off L's breasts. (which she apparently was deliberatly flaunting) Anyway, we had our 18 y/o with us also...S began to joke around. He doesn't know that our kids know about us being poly....or about our kids knowing about him and his wife being our lovers. He made a slip up about some dirty pics he has on his phone of L, and then got all red and looked at our kid. She said "Meah...you guys are adults. Whatever". It was priceless. He got the biggest eyes I've ever seen. LMAO

Anyway, I had mentioned that L was now activly persuing a relationship with a new guy she met on OK Cupid. S seemed to get flustered and a little upset. He asked her about it. She confirmed. He said "So that's how it's going to be huh?". L said "I think it has to be now". At which point, he seemed to be a bit hurt. He has been playing games with too many hearts recently, so this brought a little satisfaction to both L AND I. ;) He told D that he was upset with the relationship that she and I had, and he was jealous over the texts that he snuck around to view. He then told her and I that he didn't want me to send her texts without sending a duplicate to him. :rolleyes: D told him flat out that she wouldn't suffer under such a rule, and would rather simply not text with me. He got all kinds of pissed off and blah blah blah.

I will miss the relationship with D, but I think I HAVE to move on now. :cry:
 
What will today hold for me? I am limiting my contact with D. It seems to help. However, I think the thing that helps the most, was what someone else posted on another thread of mine...."Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".
 
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".

Yes, I wrote that one down too!! Good Ol Dr. Seuss!

I do smile about this summer everyday....they were all 'yesterdays'. What is today? :rolleyes:
 
Wellllll........Today held a lot of downs for me.

D called me and wanted to know if our son was going to come over this weekend. I told her I didn't know....Then...I told her that I was basically breaking up with her. She had to know it was coming. I told her that I was sad and very sorry thatit had to work out this way. She agreed, and said that all she really wanted, was for me to be happy. I told her that I would be happy if we could all get along, but that wasn't going to happen because of S. She agreed. I told her that I would always have a lot of love for her and a place in my heart for her, but that our sexual relationship had to come to an end.

This time, she didn't cry at all. (Probably because she was at work) but I could hear the depression and sadness in her voice when she asked if I was breaking up with her. :( This is tough. She asked if we would still be talking to them or what. I explained to her that we still wanted to remain friends....but that we were dropping the "with bennifits" part. I also told her that I didn't want to hear anything about their sex life with anyone else anymore either. It was/is just too painful.

The whole thought of S having so much fun with some hot little thing, while D is just laying there enduring some ugly fat guy, or whatever, is too much for me to think about. This is the way it usually works out for D, she tells me, and she is usually disgusted by the guys that are married to the beautiful women that S brings home, but that she does it anyway to make S happy. :( Sigh.....I told her that in another life....or something....maybe. Hopefully, we will find each other again in the future.
 
So thats how they work it! He gets pretty women, and she gets fat old men so he won't be jealous? that's almost as bad as the men who will let their wives have a gf, but not a bf.

But, it's also her choice to let that kind of arrangement happen. Maybe she'll learn how to make her relationship more egalitarian some day. Right now, sounds like S rules the roost.
 
Yep...Thats how it works precisely. D told him off one day in front of L about it too. She told him "I ALWAYS take one for the team, while you get off....I want mine this time!". L was a bit taken aback by it all, but kinda snickered, because we have had that conversation too. LOL But now, it's different, because she (L) is free to look around and date whoever she and I feel are safe.
 
Well! It all becomes clear now. No wonder you had so much trouble with them.
 
I agree we are fools. But we have a huge learning curve from this relationship. We will go forward and see what is out there in the future. I just hope T & D will put the walls away eventually :) maybe not the ones for each other but the ones for everyone else, new and old friends. Does that make sense?
I can't stand the way they both are acting now. Cheer up and go forward with life we only get one !
 
So thats how they work it! He gets pretty women, and she gets fat old men so he won't be jealous? that's almost as bad as the men who will let their wives have a gf, but not a bf.

.

That's way worse..he's whoring her out. The two are incomparable and the mere thought is revolting. She is going to end up ruined and probably disgusted in herself. What an example to set for young women and men...truly sad. Hopefully she doesn't consider this type of self abusive behavior in any way empowering. And her husband who is pimping her out so he can "use" women as essentially fuck holes needs some serious lessons on how to be a man and a person....seriously, this is disgusting.
 
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I so agree with you on this Mono and maybe one day he will learn. Maybe my man can show him how to handle a lady.
 
I so agree with you on this Mono and maybe one day he will learn. Maybe my man can show him how to handle a lady.

Let's hope so. By the sounds of it your man was the only man she was actually involved with. Her husband sounds like a selfish child who can't achieve his own partners without bartering his wife off.

I'm sure he's not as bad as what I think but I only have a small bit of information to judge with...and I have no quams about judging based on what I have.
 
No he is exactly what T says. One day she will see this and help him or heavan forbid leave him. The later is not what we want, we love them as friends to much to see that. But we want her happy as well.
 
No he is exactly what T says. One day she will see this and help him or heavan forbid leave him. The later is not what we want, we love them as friends to much to see that. But we want her happy as well.

I wonder if she has ever sat her husband down and told him that she is essentially letting other men use her body just so he can have sex with other women. I'm not a woman but I can't imagine what it would feel like to let someone inside me as a form of currency to enable the person who supposedly loves me to use another woman in the same way.
If any man could hear that and not change than he truly does not experience love the way I do.
 
I wonder if she has ever sat her husband down and told him that she is essentially letting other men use her body just so he can have sex with other women.



If any man could hear that and not change than he truly does not experience love the way I do.


Last weekend me, D & S were poolside, she told him this in a really nice tone of voice. He went off on her and she got pissed and fired back. I had to calm them down. Still he doesn't get it. I asked him if he feels he is married to a street walker. He responded with"No she is my best friend!" I said " Then treat her like it" then walked away, it was to much to see this. Before i knew it D was in the pool with me we talked for a long time.
I just don't get it!
 
I think I get it. He is a spoiled child that can't think beyond his dick. HumanXs are animals but we are the most intelligent animals and with that comes responsibility. Sounds like he is controlled by base instincts..maybe he is less evolved intellectualy. I know he is your friend but his behaviour really sickens me.
 
He is a spoiled child that can't think beyond his dick.
Sounds like he is controlled by base instincts..maybe he is less evolved intellectualy. I know he is your friend but his behaviour really sickens me.

I agree 100 % as a friend he is fine it is the "benifits" part that has turned sick. He wasn't always this way.
 
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