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  #11  
Old 04-12-2017, 10:51 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Originally Posted by ArtemisHunt View Post
Also if you mention primary and secondary in your profile...
I read everything after "I am poly and in an open relationship" to be dlkenny's commentary on his profile, not actually as part of the profile itself.

Assuming that's the case, "I am poly and in an open relationship" can mean many things to many people, particularly without any additional context. Depending upon the amount and type of experience the reader has had with people calling themselves poly in the past, it could be taken to mean any or all of "I'm cheating on my wife and pretending it's because I'm spiritually awakened" to "you'll have to sleep with everyone I'm sleeping with" or "fit our rules or you're out".

You may have better luck describing your relationship rather than slapping a label on it and hoping it means the same thing to your target audience that it does to you. Make it clear (without jargon) what they'd be signing up for.
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  #12  
Old 04-12-2017, 11:29 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by dlkenny View Post
This is my Tinder profile.

"It is futile to try to build every relationship into one that lasts forever. It is far more important to realize that for each person who touches your life you change in some way, whether positively or negatively, so it should be the focus then to leave each person better for having been in your life. Focus on the quality of the relationship, not on the longevity of it." -- Giacomo Casanova

If I read this, I'd run the other way - and I am open to poly relationships. You quote Casanova, who is heralded as a great lover of women, but who was basically a womanizer. And the line "leave each person better for having been in your life" says to me that you plan on leaving each person. I understand that you're trying to convey that you value the quality of each personal connection, but in my view, this quote does you no favors. You plan to love 'em and leave 'em - and very few women, poly included, are looking to be treated like that. My advice is to drop kick that quote and write in your own words that you value intimate emotional connections and are in a poly relationship. Also, get off Tinder. Tinder is about hookups and, if you're lucky, regular mono dating. OKCupid is where you want to be if you're serious about meeting poly and open minded, relationship oriented women online.
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  #13  
Old 04-12-2017, 11:52 PM
dlkenny dlkenny is offline
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Default Re: I would like your opinion on something...

I haven't ever mentioned explicitly to anyone the term secondary, I just use the term here because that's really what she is. The boundaries are pretty clear with my wife about what's allowed or not allowed. My relationship with her must take priority with respect to family and plans and long term stuff but my gf when I am with her is treated as the center of my world. I love people unconditionally and give myself 100%.

As a result of this arrangement I have accepted the fact that the non primaries will come and go as circumstances change and most will never be truly long term. So at some level I'll have to learn the art of finding partners.

Ideally it would be great to find someone with whom we can be each other's secondaries and that would be more sustainable over time but obviously much more difficult to find.
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  #14  
Old 04-12-2017, 11:57 PM
dlkenny dlkenny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
If I read this, I'd run the other way - and I am open to poly relationships. You quote Casanova, who is heralded as a great lover of women, but who was basically a womanizer. And the line "leave each person better for having been in your life" says to me that you plan on leaving each person. I understand that you're trying to convey that you value the quality of each personal connection, but in my view, this quote does you no favors. You plan to love 'em and leave 'em - and very few women, poly included, are looking to be treated like that. My advice is to drop kick that quote and write in your own words that you value intimate emotional connections and are in a poly relationship. Also, get off Tinder. Tinder is about hookups and, if you're lucky, regular mono dating. OKCupid is where you want to be if you're serious about meeting poly and open minded, relationship oriented women online.
Thank you Karen for your insight. I will work on paraphrasing what I'm trying to say. I am also on OKCupid but there aren't many people in my area.
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  #15  
Old 04-13-2017, 12:29 AM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by dlkenny View Post
I have accepted the fact that the non primaries will come and go as circumstances change and most will never be truly long term.
This may be so for you, but no woman wants to hear this going in. If she does, she's a rare flower indeed. Since this is not about hook-ups or swinging style play partners, poly women are still women and most women are looking for the potential of long term. This fun-enough-for-now attitude is one reason that some poly women stay away from married poly men. Just as you feel the need to constantly explain that you're not cheating, yet not fully available, so many poly women feel the need to constantly explain that they are not available for casual come and go relationships. I mention this because it seems to be a basic misunderstanding from some of the married poly men that come through here.

Sounds like you sincerely would be looking for long term dating potential, too, so I don't mean to paint you as a Casanova yourself. But the way you phrase your profile very well could be sending messages that you don't mean to convey.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 04-13-2017 at 12:33 AM.
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  #16  
Old 04-14-2017, 12:47 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi dlkenny,

I don't know what the right answer is as far as telling people you're poly, maybe meet them for coffee first and then say it. Though I have to say, I can see how that could end badly. Also if we're talking about OKCupid, you can have quite a lengthy profile there and it would probably not be cool to omit your poly status there. But Tinder, I take it with very short profiles, maybe the omission could be forgiven.

I hope you're able to strike the right balance.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 04-14-2017, 03:50 PM
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Quote:
I have accepted the fact that the non primaries will come and go as circumstances change and most will never be truly long term.
A presupposition (or prejudice) without clear basis. And as with roaches, one usually indicates there's others in hiding.

For instance, as some comic once said, Marriages come and go, but a tattoo is forever. Painting primary as inherently permanent & secondary as inherently transitory demonstrates deeply flawed thinking.

I was with my first wife for a bit shy of 13 years. Halfway through, I took up a mutually secondary relationship, which lasted more than 16 years, & we even lived together for three.
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  #18  
Old 04-15-2017, 12:22 AM
dlkenny dlkenny is offline
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It isn't flawed thinking its the result of experience. As Karen pointed out its not that I don't want something that lasts a long time, it is the nature of the type of relationship that the relationships with my girlfriends tend to be more fluid than the one with my wife. I am very laissez-faire in that I don't try to put a label or try to make it into something it is not. This was my original point with the Casanova quote. For me it is about the quality of the interaction, and I treat my girlfriend as the center of my world, whether I've known her 5 days or 5 years.

My relationship is structured this way because I am poly and my wife is non monogamous but doesn't form bonds the same way I do (to her it's more about the creation of a sex positive environment or FWB partnerships) so the way my relationships are structured the one with my wife takes a heirarchal position. This is the compromise that allows it to work. I am different from most people in that I do not "fall" in love with people but more that I love people by default. For a long time this put me in a position of vulnerablility but I have learned to look at these relationships from a more objective point of view, seeking love and partnership while not worrying about what tomorrow might bring. To do this I had to learn to deal with loss by thinking of the duration of relationships as being finite, but unknown, and being mentally prepared to deal with that outcome if and when it arises.
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  #19  
Old 04-15-2017, 03:41 AM
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ArtemisHunt ArtemisHunt is offline
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I'm a little confused by your explanation.
Why do you think your relationships don't go long term?
Is long term your desire?
Do you see a difference between accepting that a relationship can end/be temporary and expecting it to be temporary?
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  #20  
Old 04-15-2017, 12:11 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am a poly women and I wouldn't date you. Why?

Because your wife gets to shape a dictate what our relationship can be. No matter what plans we would make, what crisis I may be having in my life, I wouldn't matter if your wife pulls the wife card. Fuck that.

No one but me and my partner get a say where things go. Who says poly relationships don't last. I have been with Butch 16 years and Murf 5. I do not plan on ending either relationship. I don't throw away men like used toys. Murf is just as import as Butch. He is just as much my husband as Butch. Butch gets no say in our relationship. None.

No sane woman is going to tolerate another woman telling her the way things can be in her relationship. Not even the most independent solo poly woman. Wives like yours are why married poly men can have a hell of a time finding women to date.
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