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Old 04-11-2017, 08:15 PM
dlkenny dlkenny is offline
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Red face Finding a secondary

Well that was fun. My girlfriend (secondary) of the past 6 months recently started dating somebody who is not comfortable with the poly lifestyle and she has decided to discontinue seeing me in favor of a monogamous relationship with her new beau. Disappointing for me but I am very happy for her and carry with me fond memories.

In any case, for those who don't know me I am married to a very fine lady and our relationship is such that we are both poly with us each having one secondary partner, and we also date couples together. I am finding a lot of success finding people who want to date me but the moment they learn about my wife and our lifestyle they run. Obviously I won't force anyone to do something they don't want to but my last girlfriend only became okay with it when she understood it. And therein lies the trouble. We met on Tinder and fortunately for me she didn't read my profile through and I got the opportunity to talk to her and ease her onto the idea.

Barring another stroke of luck how do poly people approach finding a new person, especially as a secondary?
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Old 04-12-2017, 09:36 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Usually the advice would be to make sure it was clear in your Tinder/OkCupid/Whatever profile to weed out anyone who would be freaked out by the idea well in advance. If you find your weeding process is a little too effective it might be due to the wording you've used. What does your profile actually say?
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Old 04-12-2017, 02:19 PM
JK40 JK40 is offline
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My current partner, my first poly one, didn't actually tell me straight off that they are poly. We chatted for a short while first. I was then given the time and space to go off and think it all through, there was no pressure at all on me. I gave it much serious thought, and as I felt an extremely strong connection I realised I was ok with the idea. Yes a lot of people would run, perhaps I may have done myself If i had been told from the start. I got to know this person first, which lets face it would not happen with a lot of people if they are told from the start.

I mean, it wasn't left weeks before I was told, and i was in no way pressured to accept the lifestyle. I have often thought to myself that with the right person I could be in an open relationship, not really knowing about poly relationships at all. Researching made me realise that what I actually had thought i could accept was being poly. I just had not known it before.

Too many people are ignorant to what being poly is, and I don't necessarily mean in a bad way. I was ignorant myself until I looked into it. However too many people, in general, are closed minded. If they actually know what being poly means and decide it is not for them it is different.

I think you need to weigh up telling someone from the very first contact, or giving them a short time to get to know you before broaching the subject.
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Old 04-12-2017, 03:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JK40 View Post
I think you need to weigh up telling someone from the very first contact, or giving them a short time to get to know you before broaching the subject.
For me, I put it out there early and clearly. I want people to understand who they are talking to, because without explicit clarification they will reasonably assume that I fit the norm.

This is true for everyone I meet, regardless of if they are poly, monogamous, straight, gay, whatever.
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Old 04-12-2017, 03:28 PM
JK40 JK40 is offline
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Yeah I agree earlier is better. All I can go by is my situation. I was told within a day or so, just not right at the very first moment. Personally myself I would tell someone almost right away, if they then run a mile I would know early on that they weren't right for me anyway.
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Old 04-12-2017, 04:14 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I want to know up-front. I've had somewhat limited success finding other poly women to date in my rural area through OKC but that's still my preferred method for meeting people.
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  #7  
Old 04-12-2017, 07:23 PM
dlkenny dlkenny is offline
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Default Re: I would like your opinion on something...

This is my Tinder profile.

"It is futile to try to build every relationship into one that lasts forever. It is far more important to realize that for each person who touches your life you change in some way, whether positively or negatively, so it should be the focus then to leave each person better for having been in your life. Focus on the quality of the relationship, not on the longevity of it." -- Giacomo Casanova

Disclaimer: I am poly and in an open relationship.

--- I chose that quote because that is how I approach my relationships, especially with a non primary partner. I know that they come and go as circumstances change and to focus on the quality of the relationship.

In any case I have tried it without the disclaimer and definitely get a lot more matches. I feel like I am being misleading though or lying by omission and usually will make sure the person knows before I ask them to meet me. Is it fair to not tell them until we've met and had a chance to like each other? What do you people think?
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Old 04-12-2017, 08:55 PM
JK40 JK40 is offline
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Agree with you. I knew before we actually got anywhere near the point of meeting each other. I don't hold it against my partner that he waited a (very) short time to tell me he is poly.
I believe he was just being cautious telling me, let's face it how many people have you approached who had negative reactions? Okay part of me was poly all along I just didn't realise there was a specific name for what I had always given thought to.

I only have one partner myself but should I meet anyone I potentially would want as a partner I would tell them right away.
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Old 04-12-2017, 09:06 PM
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ArtemisHunt ArtemisHunt is offline
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I think the first line of that quote can give others the impression that you are not interested in long term commitments or deep love. Maybe that you are just there for fun. That can chase away many potentials.

Also if you mention primary and secondary in your profile experienced poly women who have been "unicorned" may hesitate. I would. Might want to consider toning down the hierarchy talk/assumptions unless of course that is central to how you do poly, in which case be VERY upfront about it, but be prepared for the lack of interest.

Hope that helps and let me know if you would like more resources on how to avoid couple privilege and alternatives to hierarchical poly.
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Old 04-12-2017, 09:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtemisHunt View Post
Might want to consider toning down the hierarchy talk/assumptions unless of course that is central to how you do poly, in which case be VERY upfront about it, but be prepared for the lack of interest
Word.

Those of us who are not interested in hierarchical associations like that are likely going to ask right up front (I do, exactly every time). Regardless, using polyamory jargon might not be helpful. Instead of "primary/secondary" it might be better to explain it like "my wife is the center of my universe but I am looking for a new friend" or whatever. That would say it pretty loud and clear without making people google what you mean by "primary".
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