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Old 10-07-2012, 08:31 PM
LostInLove4 LostInLove4 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14

Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
He's right that one can never know what the future will bring with how you will feel about another person. Can you try reframing that statement in your mind though? When I really thought about it I found it comforting that my partners are with me everyday because in that day they chose to be, not because of some outside force.
This is always how I have felt about our situation. We never felt like marriage or anything like that because this is what we believe. But when he chooses another so often it make me wonder.

Thank you all for your help. I really appreciate all the support. I think I will be back here with more questions.
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Old 10-10-2012, 03:39 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,475

Originally Posted by LostInLove4 View Post
I am perfectly fine with him loving another woman and I welcome it. I am very happy for him. I work two jobs right now to put him through school and I am not home as much as I used to be either, but I really feel like this lack of time spent together is making us drift apart.

I thought we had a committed polyamorous relationship but he frequently tells me he can't possibly know if he will always love me. People fall out of love all the time. I know this makes perfect logical sense, but it hurts. I know I will always love him.

I guess my question is this: How do I make it clear that I think we need to work on US a little bit more without coming across as clingy and trying to keep him from her?
I can totally relate. My husband works out of town because it's the only way we can afford for me to focus on school without a part-time job. As a result, we don't have a lot of time together.

Like your man, my husband admits that he can't be sure we'll always love each other. He's too savvy to say he might stop loving me, he usually frames it the other way, that he's worried I'll one day "grow out of him." I deny it, though logically I know it's possible. But dammit! No!

The way I look at commitment is this: It doesn't mean you promise to always love each other, because that's a promise you just can't make. But we promise that as long as we love each other, we will work on every problem that comes up, and that we will be caring and supportive to each other as we deal with our problems with the rest of the world.

More than likely, he's just under the influence of "New Relationship Energy" (i.e. the "Honeymoon phase") and he's forgetting about his other obligations in light of something new and shiny.

The conversation you need to have will be focused on you and your own relationship. You can do this without mentioning the other woman at all. Start with what's positive in your relationship, then move to the things that used to be there and have since dried up (just the facts, ma'am... don't speculate on the reasons), finishing with the things you'd like to see change. Don't forget to give him a voice in this.

For months, I've been complaining that my husband's out-of-town-job puts strain on our marriage. After much discussion, we got to a point where I was able to understand that part of the problem was me. I wasn't doing a bang-up job of listening to him talk about his problems at work, which left him feeling unsupported. As a result, he became disinterested in communicating with me at all, because I would just go on and on about my day without asking about his. Super not cool on my part. When I started listening to how his day went, he started feeling more supported and became more interested in talking with me. In only one week, we've regained a lot of the intimacy we'd been missing.

So... don't be overly surprised if you open this can of worms and learn that perhaps you've been less than the perfect partner yourself. You work two jobs to put him through school. That's probably very stressful and exhausting. Possibly, at the end of the second 8-hour shift in the day, you're just too tired to really give a shit that he got a bad grade on his term paper. You might even feel resentful that he's dumping his problems on you when you can barely see straight. Meanwhile, as they're spending so much time together at the lab, they've got ample opportunity to discuss the challenges they share with getting their education. And so the snowball rolls down the hill...

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying this is all your fault, merely that these things are seldom one-sided. Until I acknowledged that I had a role to play in getting where we were, I was unable to do my part to fix the problems my husband and I were having.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-10-2012 at 03:42 AM.
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commitment, new love

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