Seeking advice, how to come out to a significant other

Annisnewtopoly

New member
Hello everybody
My best friend (former lover) recently accepted that he is polyamorous. It was something that he struggled with for years going back and forth between myself and his other girlfriend. He is currently with her, not me but wants to tell her that he is polyamorous and wants to be with both her and me. I'm looking for some advice as to how he can go about this?
Any help or ideas is truly appreciated:)
 
Chances are it isn't going to happen. If he has been jumping back and forth between the two of you then that means there is probably a bit of resentment or even hostility at least on her part towards you. If this is the case and he is with her right now then she probably feels that she won his heart and it belongs to her and then I really doubt there is any chance she's going to want to share it with someone she considers to be competition. Competition is unhealthy in polyamory.
 
Chances are it isn't going to happen. If he has been jumping back and forth between the two of you then that means there is probably a bit of resentment or even hostility at least on her part towards you. If this is the case and he is with her right now then she probably feels that she won his heart and it belongs to her and then I really doubt there is any chance she's going to want to share it with someone she considers to be competition. Competition is unhealthy in polyamory.

GAH I know competition is a huge factor. I went through the same feeling of competition as well. I guess I'm sort of hoping she has the same open-minded thinking that I do and be able to let that competitiveness go.
I'm not currently in a relationship with him because obviously that would be cheating and I don't expect for this to go smoothly in any way. But he has expressed his feelings for me many times and how he wants to be with both of us.
I just want to make it as easy as possible for him to open up to her. Once he can do that, we can start working on building our relationships.
 
Hi Annisnewtopoly,

Some good tips on telling one's partner can be found at: How do I tell people? The only problem is it's not a fast method. But, maybe a fast method doesn't exist?

Sounds like a sticky situation you guys are in.
With regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Annisnewtopoly,

Some good tips on telling one's partner can be found at: How do I tell people? The only problem is it's not a fast method. But, maybe a fast method doesn't exist?

Sounds like a sticky situation you guys are in.
With regards,
Kevin T.

Thank you so much! i will definitely read through this and show him as well.
Yeah I don't expect a fast method and it definitely is a sticky situation. I really hope we can move forward tho.
 
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
 
A big part of the problem is that this is easy for you because you were on the outside of the relationship looking in so you don't really have any feelings of loss you only have something to gain from this. She on the other hand will have feelings of loss and certainly has very little incentive to invite you into a romantic relationship with her boyfriend. She also only has something to gain by having you come in as a second girlfriend. I'm sorry to be a pessimist but I really doubt this will work. If this is something that he truly wants the only thing he can do is be honest about his feelings and tell her in the most gentle way possible and begin to instruct her in the idea of poly. There is another caveat though. Most people on this website from experience and just from ethics believe that an open relationship goes both ways. What that means is both she and you would also have to have the ability to date other men if you choose to without any drama from him. Resentment could build if he doesn't allow this and either of you choose to even have the slightest inkling to want to do so. So really the only way for this to work properly without any feelings of resentment is for all of you to be open to the idea of additional lovers and also be consenting to that fact. Right now he thinks he stands to gain a second girlfriend and that is all, but how would he feel if either of you get a second boyfriend?
 
I think it would probably be best that he reveals this to her when he jumps back to you and offers to include her as a second partner at that point. If she declines he could always seek out another partner
 
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