AnonymousPerson
New member
Hi, I’m new here and I came looking for help because I feel so stuck. I’ll try to be as detailed as possible without turning this post into a novel.
I’m 31 and female. I’ve been together with my boyfriend for about 14 years. A few years ago I discovered I wasn’t as straight as I had previously believed, and I wanted to explore that, so I asked my boyfriend if he would be okay with opening up our relationship. He was totally fine with that and so began our journey into polyamory.
I had met a girl (I will call her T) that I really liked, but I wasn’t sure at all she was into girls or into me. We saw each other frequently over the course of a couple of months. We became close friends, and I was afraid to tell her about my feelings for her for fear of ruining our friendship, and because I was just very insecure in general. I invited her to my birthday party, and that evening she started a relationship with my brother. They slept on my couch together, and instead of kicking them out like I wish I had, I didn’t say anything because I was so hurt and confused. But obviously she didn’t know how I felt about her at that point because I hadn’t told her. A few days later I came out to my brother and told him that I was attracted to T. I told T I liked her and that her dating my brother severely complicated our situation. They continued to date, and are still dating to this day (it’s been a little over three years now). T has always insisted that she loved me too and wanted to be with me too, but she moved in with my brother pretty soon after and has been living with him ever since. Having to share a partner with my brother is not something that comes easy to me.
During the past three years I’ve tried not seeing T at all, I’ve tried to just be friends with her for the sake of keeping our relationship and the relationship with my brother intact, I’ve tried to deny my feelings for her, I’ve tried hating her to stop being attracted to her, but all of that hasn’t worked. I am in love with her and being forced to watch my brother kiss her in front of me when we get together with friends or family is so fucking painful. I’ve repeatedly discussed things at length with her and my brother, and a while ago we agreed that T and I will date, and that we will keep our relationship a secret. I am not out to most of my friends and family (either as a bisexual or pansexual or whatever I am, or as poly). My family don’t really understand polyamory and I don’t think they would be able to wrap their heads around my brother and I dating the same girl. Hell, I MYSELF can’t wrap my head around me and my brother dating the same girl. It is highly uncomfortable to me, and the only way I can really be with her is by trying to ignore very hard that my brother is involved with her too. This means I never discuss my feelings with him (yes, probably a bad idea).
Because T and my brother live together, spending time with her at their house feels awkward for me. She has no money, so she can’t live on her own. We live pretty far apart and our schedules are often very busy, so there’s little time to be together. I am also just very afraid to be seen with her in public (I’m insecure about my sexuality, plus I’m worried we’ll run into someone we know), so this means we can’t ever really go anywhere as a couple, or it’s a very difficult thing for me. It’s not that T or my brother are explicitly asking me to hide, but I don’t have the courage to be cheerful and confident and open about this, because, let’s be real, it’s a pretty unusual situation, right? I realise that a lot of my problems stem from issues that I maybe need to deal with on my own, but maybe all of this is just too much to ask of a person?
Right now I’m so tired of hiding and being scared and feeling like I come second to my brother. I can’t remember why I’m doing any of this. I am so ready to just break everything off with S. I just don’t want to deal with her ever again, but her being in a relationship with my brother means I can never really avoid her altogether. The idea of always having to check up front if I’m going to run into her when I get invited to a party sounds exhausting. I am scared to tell my family and friends why it’s so hard for me to spend time with her and my brother when nobody knows what’s been going on between us. I don’t know how I can explain a sudden rift between my brother and me when no one knows anything about this mess we’ve been in. I feel like the only choices I have are 1) keep quiet and keep suffering for the sake of holding everything together, or 2) cut off all contact with T and my brother, and having to come out and deal with explaining what happened to others, and both options just look so shitty from where I’m standing.
I’ve been overthinking this on my own for literal years and I’m at my wits end, so maybe these options are extreme and maybe there’s another way out. It would be so great to hear what this looks like from another person’s point of view. Thank you for reading.
I’m 31 and female. I’ve been together with my boyfriend for about 14 years. A few years ago I discovered I wasn’t as straight as I had previously believed, and I wanted to explore that, so I asked my boyfriend if he would be okay with opening up our relationship. He was totally fine with that and so began our journey into polyamory.
I had met a girl (I will call her T) that I really liked, but I wasn’t sure at all she was into girls or into me. We saw each other frequently over the course of a couple of months. We became close friends, and I was afraid to tell her about my feelings for her for fear of ruining our friendship, and because I was just very insecure in general. I invited her to my birthday party, and that evening she started a relationship with my brother. They slept on my couch together, and instead of kicking them out like I wish I had, I didn’t say anything because I was so hurt and confused. But obviously she didn’t know how I felt about her at that point because I hadn’t told her. A few days later I came out to my brother and told him that I was attracted to T. I told T I liked her and that her dating my brother severely complicated our situation. They continued to date, and are still dating to this day (it’s been a little over three years now). T has always insisted that she loved me too and wanted to be with me too, but she moved in with my brother pretty soon after and has been living with him ever since. Having to share a partner with my brother is not something that comes easy to me.
During the past three years I’ve tried not seeing T at all, I’ve tried to just be friends with her for the sake of keeping our relationship and the relationship with my brother intact, I’ve tried to deny my feelings for her, I’ve tried hating her to stop being attracted to her, but all of that hasn’t worked. I am in love with her and being forced to watch my brother kiss her in front of me when we get together with friends or family is so fucking painful. I’ve repeatedly discussed things at length with her and my brother, and a while ago we agreed that T and I will date, and that we will keep our relationship a secret. I am not out to most of my friends and family (either as a bisexual or pansexual or whatever I am, or as poly). My family don’t really understand polyamory and I don’t think they would be able to wrap their heads around my brother and I dating the same girl. Hell, I MYSELF can’t wrap my head around me and my brother dating the same girl. It is highly uncomfortable to me, and the only way I can really be with her is by trying to ignore very hard that my brother is involved with her too. This means I never discuss my feelings with him (yes, probably a bad idea).
Because T and my brother live together, spending time with her at their house feels awkward for me. She has no money, so she can’t live on her own. We live pretty far apart and our schedules are often very busy, so there’s little time to be together. I am also just very afraid to be seen with her in public (I’m insecure about my sexuality, plus I’m worried we’ll run into someone we know), so this means we can’t ever really go anywhere as a couple, or it’s a very difficult thing for me. It’s not that T or my brother are explicitly asking me to hide, but I don’t have the courage to be cheerful and confident and open about this, because, let’s be real, it’s a pretty unusual situation, right? I realise that a lot of my problems stem from issues that I maybe need to deal with on my own, but maybe all of this is just too much to ask of a person?
Right now I’m so tired of hiding and being scared and feeling like I come second to my brother. I can’t remember why I’m doing any of this. I am so ready to just break everything off with S. I just don’t want to deal with her ever again, but her being in a relationship with my brother means I can never really avoid her altogether. The idea of always having to check up front if I’m going to run into her when I get invited to a party sounds exhausting. I am scared to tell my family and friends why it’s so hard for me to spend time with her and my brother when nobody knows what’s been going on between us. I don’t know how I can explain a sudden rift between my brother and me when no one knows anything about this mess we’ve been in. I feel like the only choices I have are 1) keep quiet and keep suffering for the sake of holding everything together, or 2) cut off all contact with T and my brother, and having to come out and deal with explaining what happened to others, and both options just look so shitty from where I’m standing.
I’ve been overthinking this on my own for literal years and I’m at my wits end, so maybe these options are extreme and maybe there’s another way out. It would be so great to hear what this looks like from another person’s point of view. Thank you for reading.