Need advice on complex situation

AnonymousPerson

New member
Hi, I’m new here and I came looking for help because I feel so stuck. I’ll try to be as detailed as possible without turning this post into a novel.
I’m 31 and female. I’ve been together with my boyfriend for about 14 years. A few years ago I discovered I wasn’t as straight as I had previously believed, and I wanted to explore that, so I asked my boyfriend if he would be okay with opening up our relationship. He was totally fine with that and so began our journey into polyamory.

I had met a girl (I will call her T) that I really liked, but I wasn’t sure at all she was into girls or into me. We saw each other frequently over the course of a couple of months. We became close friends, and I was afraid to tell her about my feelings for her for fear of ruining our friendship, and because I was just very insecure in general. I invited her to my birthday party, and that evening she started a relationship with my brother. They slept on my couch together, and instead of kicking them out like I wish I had, I didn’t say anything because I was so hurt and confused. But obviously she didn’t know how I felt about her at that point because I hadn’t told her. A few days later I came out to my brother and told him that I was attracted to T. I told T I liked her and that her dating my brother severely complicated our situation. They continued to date, and are still dating to this day (it’s been a little over three years now). T has always insisted that she loved me too and wanted to be with me too, but she moved in with my brother pretty soon after and has been living with him ever since. Having to share a partner with my brother is not something that comes easy to me.

During the past three years I’ve tried not seeing T at all, I’ve tried to just be friends with her for the sake of keeping our relationship and the relationship with my brother intact, I’ve tried to deny my feelings for her, I’ve tried hating her to stop being attracted to her, but all of that hasn’t worked. I am in love with her and being forced to watch my brother kiss her in front of me when we get together with friends or family is so fucking painful. I’ve repeatedly discussed things at length with her and my brother, and a while ago we agreed that T and I will date, and that we will keep our relationship a secret. I am not out to most of my friends and family (either as a bisexual or pansexual or whatever I am, or as poly). My family don’t really understand polyamory and I don’t think they would be able to wrap their heads around my brother and I dating the same girl. Hell, I MYSELF can’t wrap my head around me and my brother dating the same girl. It is highly uncomfortable to me, and the only way I can really be with her is by trying to ignore very hard that my brother is involved with her too. This means I never discuss my feelings with him (yes, probably a bad idea).

Because T and my brother live together, spending time with her at their house feels awkward for me. She has no money, so she can’t live on her own. We live pretty far apart and our schedules are often very busy, so there’s little time to be together. I am also just very afraid to be seen with her in public (I’m insecure about my sexuality, plus I’m worried we’ll run into someone we know), so this means we can’t ever really go anywhere as a couple, or it’s a very difficult thing for me. It’s not that T or my brother are explicitly asking me to hide, but I don’t have the courage to be cheerful and confident and open about this, because, let’s be real, it’s a pretty unusual situation, right? I realise that a lot of my problems stem from issues that I maybe need to deal with on my own, but maybe all of this is just too much to ask of a person?

Right now I’m so tired of hiding and being scared and feeling like I come second to my brother. I can’t remember why I’m doing any of this. I am so ready to just break everything off with S. I just don’t want to deal with her ever again, but her being in a relationship with my brother means I can never really avoid her altogether. The idea of always having to check up front if I’m going to run into her when I get invited to a party sounds exhausting. I am scared to tell my family and friends why it’s so hard for me to spend time with her and my brother when nobody knows what’s been going on between us. I don’t know how I can explain a sudden rift between my brother and me when no one knows anything about this mess we’ve been in. I feel like the only choices I have are 1) keep quiet and keep suffering for the sake of holding everything together, or 2) cut off all contact with T and my brother, and having to come out and deal with explaining what happened to others, and both options just look so shitty from where I’m standing.

I’ve been overthinking this on my own for literal years and I’m at my wits end, so maybe these options are extreme and maybe there’s another way out. It would be so great to hear what this looks like from another person’s point of view. Thank you for reading.
 
That sounds very difficult and painful. I'm sorry that you're suffering.

Have you considered just taking a temporary hiatus from T (and your brother)? Like go no contact with either for 60 days to give yourself a break and time to work on letting her go? At the end of the break, have very limited contact with her? Therapy to help you come you terms with your sexuality would be a good thing, too, imo.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

You are pretty clear in what you want to do.

Right now I’m so tired of hiding and being scared and feeling like I come second to my brother. I can’t remember why I’m doing any of this. I am so ready to just break everything off with S.

Since you want to break up, I think you could go ahead and end it with her. And go no contact for a while as suggested above. Could even tell them you need some time on your own to heal from the break up. That's not being mean to them. That's taking care of YOU.

And before you date again, perhaps work on some of your other issues. Dating is supposed to be FUN as you get to know people and figure out if they are compatible or not. T does not sound compatible. Love alone is not enough to make a relationship go.

It also sounds like you've dated just your BF since you were 17. So this was a game changer. But not all game changing relationships are long haul runners.

When you step back, could think about your personal dating standard.

I have a "messy people" list in my head -- people that if I took up with could get really messy really fast. I don't want to date my spouse's parents, siblings, their partners, his boss, our kids teachers, etc. He wouldn't on my side. It's just not worth the hullabaloo. There's lots of people in the world to date without aiming right for the "messy" ones.

I’ve repeatedly discussed things at length with her and my brother, and a while ago we agreed that T and I will date, and that we will keep our relationship a secret.

What made that seem like a good idea? :confused:

Having gone there and now regretting it... get out. In my experience, love fades in time after a break up. Keep this simpler on yourself and just act. If you know you need to get out because this doesn't feel good staying? Get out. You've already spent 3 years thinking about it. Put the burden down.

The idea of always having to check up front if I’m going to run into her when I get invited to a party sounds exhausting.

So don't check. What do you think happens in a family when people get divorced? They have to figure out how to be around their ex at family functions.

Go to the family things, stay as long as you can, then just go home. Next time stay a bit longer. Little by little, you work on it.

I am scared to tell my family and friends why it’s so hard for me to spend time with her and my brother when nobody knows what’s been going on between us.

So don't tell them anything. There's no law that says you HAVE to.

It's like you are doing "what if this?" and "what if that? " in your head and making this harder than it has to be.

I feel like the only choices I have are 1) keep quiet and keep suffering for the sake of holding everything together, or 2) cut off all contact with T and my brother, and having to come out and deal with explaining what happened to others, and both options just look so shitty from where I’m standing.

Those aren't the only choices.

You could end it with T. Take a break from both T and your brother while you heal from the break up. Could tell them you need that time apart to heal.
Then learn how to share time/space at family functions gradually over time. That's problem 1.

Could figure out your personal standards for adult dating - who you will date and who you will not at minimum. Before you date any new women. After this experience you might decide "No dating anyone that my relatives are already dating" goes on your personal standard. That's problem 2. You sound inexperienced with dating. It's ok to be learning, but do learn and update your personal standard as you go.

Coming out to family can be whenever you want it to be - but it doesn't have to be RIGHT NOW over the T break up. That's problem 3. When to come out and building a support network. So when things in your dating life go wahoonie, you have people to lean on rather than being this lonely little island. Because not all relationships are gonna be long haul runners.

I’ve been overthinking this on my own for literal years and I’m at my wits end, so maybe these options are extreme and maybe there’s another way out.

More than you and your brother dating the same gal, that concerns me more. Why overthink SO much? Have you considered seeing a counselor? Dwelling on something for YEARS is a long time. That might be problem 4.

You sound like you could use extra support coming to terms with your attraction to women. That might be problem 5. There are counselors that specialize in LGBTQ+ issues. Maybe you could look one up?

Being insecure in general -- problem 6.

I think you are making this way to hard on yourself. And to be honest, kinda dramatic. You don't HAVE to pile so much stuff on at once and putting SO much pressure on yourself. You don't have to expect yourself to solve everything all in one go.

It's ok to take it one thing at a time. Maybe counseling could help you identify all the issues and then put them in priority order. It's ok to be a work in progress.

I don’t know how I can explain a sudden rift between my brother and me when no one knows anything about this mess we’ve been in.

Why's it got to be some big rift? :confused:

You could tell T and brother you have to break up, and need some time on your own to heal.

If relatives notice and ask you wassup, you can say a vague "I've got some things on my mind. Not really ready to talk about it yet. " and leave it at that. If someone is so rude the press, you can say "Please respect my boundary. I'm not ready to talk about it yet."

I realise that a lot of my problems stem from issues that I maybe need to deal with on my own, but maybe all of this is just too much to ask of a person?

If you are in a dating situation you do not like and find overwhelming, break up. Why are you asking more of yourself than you can actually do? Are you not in the habit of being kind to yourself or treating yourself kindly? :confused:

It's ok for you to take up the space you do in the world. If you have issues to work on, could work on yourself before trying to poly date again.

Maybe before dating anyone else, you could think about counseling to help you become more comfortable in your own skin first?

I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
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Hello AnonymousPerson,
Here are some of my observations on your situation.

First, I think it's worth mentioning that you seem to have a very supportive boyfriend. And that's a BFD. Be thankful for that. Not every boyfriend would agree to open the relationship.

As for T, you seem to be wondering if maybe you could have had her exclusively (without your brother) if you would have spoken up sooner, and told her about your feelings for her. To that I would say, maybe, maybe not. Would knowing that give you the incentive you'd need to overcome your fear and insecurity the next time you meet a girl you really like? or would knowing that just put more pressure on you, and make things worse? I think maybe you are second-guessing yourself; the truth may be that you did the right thing, you were not ready to tell T about your feelings for her, the time wasn't right. The fact that your brother came around and swept her up so soon, seems to suggest that you and her were not meant to be. You know?

You are perhaps thinking, that on the evening after your birthday party, that you shouldn't have let T and your brother sleep together on your couch, that you should have kicked them out, that maybe if you would have done that, they wouldn't have started a relationship with each other. To that I would say, maybe, maybe not. Would knowing that give you the incentive you'd need to kick out the next couple that tries to sleep on your couch? or would knowing that just put more pressure on you, and make things worse? Again I think maybe you are second-guessing yourself; the truth may be that you did the right thing, the stars were already aligning to indicate that T and your brother were meant to be. Why should you have to be rude to them, just to save your own opportunity to sweep her up?

I wonder if on some level, in your heart you felt that the fact that you had feelings for T made her "yours" in some way, like you had dibs on her. In your mind you knew it didn't make sense, but in your heart, you *felt* like they (T and your brother) should have waited for you to be ready to confess your feelings to her. They did not give you a fair chance, they started a relationship before you had the chance. Sure it doesn't make sense on a cognitive level, but deep down, on an affective level, you might *feel* betrayed. It is not hard for me to understand why you might feel that way, it's almost as if the Universe itself betrayed you. The situation betrayed you. Fate and fortune betrayed you. Somehow you missed out on your chance!

This feeling, of being stabbed in the back, may have then translated into a strong repugnance towards seeing them together, toward seeing their displays of affection, or even thinking of them being together. Knowing they're together. Every time they kiss, you are reminded of how you missed your chance, your chance to have T exclusively to yourself. It's like they are betraying you all over again. You told T that dating your brother was a problem for you, and yet T continued to date him anyway. There's that feeling of betrayal again. You asked her for exclusivity, and she turned you down. Ouch! For over three years now they've been dating, against your wishes. And to pour salt in the wound, they've been living together. You were never supposed to have to share her, but now you do.

Things would be so much simpler if you could stop loving her, but you've tried, and you can't. Maybe if you could avoid her for a month or two, your feelings would abate, but if you tried that, your family would start asking questions, and then you'd be outed to them, both as bi and as poly. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I guess my advice would be to break up with T. You love her, but she is a poor match for you. She is a poor match because she is dating your brother, and because now your family knows her. Those are things you can't change. You can't travel back in time and change whatever choices you made that allowed them to start a relationship. So break up with her. Break up, and stop seeing her for a few months. This means stop seeing your brother for a few months too. If your family asks you why you're doing that, just tell them it's for personal reasons, like GalaGirl said. Tell them it's only for a few months.

Right now the situation is very painful for you. It will not be quick or easy to fix, but if you hang in there, you can do it. And then next time you meet a girl you like, you'll know to tell her right away.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Quoting GG: "I am sorry you struggle."

My "messy list" (as GG calls it) is much shorter than most peoples' (from what I have gathered here) - I don't mind dating people that my partners also date but I draw the line at blood relations.

For me - I would chalk this up to "opportunity lost" and give it a pass - they have been together for 3 years. Dating her while she is dating him seems to be more negatives than positives at this point.

I am curious as to how the others in this triangle feel - is she fine with learning that her "close friend" has feelings for her that only came out after she was dating the close friend's brother? How does your brother feel about potentially having it exposed to your family that you are dating the same women?
 
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