In poly relationship, parents don't know one of my partners an

Sunhorse99

New member
Hey, my parents don't know one my partners, and they don't like him from how they've seen him outside with me, he listens to my boundaries and what I say though. I'm new to a polyamorous relationship, so this is my first. I want to be able to tell mom and dad about my new relationship- when they've always been talking about me and my boyfriend being exclusive- without rejoining my relationship with my partner OR my parents. What do I do? I can give more information if needed.
 

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I feel the need because I suck at keeping secrets and also the guy they don't know lives next door and we hang out in the yards all the time, almost every day.

I'm not actually sure. I've known I'm bisexual since I was 10. I only ever had a solid two person relationship, then Phaelen arrived. So this's all new to me. In fact I was hesitant to take the idea of a polyamorous relationship, but it seemed the ONLY logical option, and yeah, I kinda did want it to happen. Now I'm excited to see what'll happen and how this kind of thing will work.

Phaelen (new guy) and Alexander (first boyfriend) have met and get along well. They are very similar, even in speech pattern and personality and such. We plan to have regular meets with all three of us once a month. I wish we could have more, but Alexander lives very far away. They are interested in growing as friends.
 
Hey, my parents don't know one my partners, and they don't like him from how they've seen him outside with me, he listens to my boundaries and what I say though. I'm new to a polyamorous relationship, so this is my first. I want to be able to tell mom and dad about my new relationship- when they've always been talking about me and my boyfriend being exclusive- without rejoining my relationship with my partner OR my parents. What do I do? I can give more information if needed.

Just tell them.

Not liking your partner could have happened even if you were monogamous. Separate issues. Deal separately.
 
"Coming out" as poly to family, friends or co-workers is a difficult and personal choice.

Nowadays, many LGBTQ type people are able to be open about their sexual identity and preferences. It's been a LONG hard battle. Many still can't be open.

And now we polyamorous people are on the cutting edge. Many if not most people do not understand polyamory and think we are a bunch of immoral sluts.

All we can do is weigh the pros and cons of coming out, and decide if we are willing to be pioneers in this movement.
 
Thanks guys. To answer that statement, yes, I do live with my parents as I am still a teen. And my issue here is also that my parents liked my formerly-monogamous relationship with my boyfriend before there was a stressful challenge and we decided that the only option that was both desired AND logical was a polyamorous relationship, so I'm worried about how Mom in particular will react to the fact that the relationship changed, even if all three of us agree that it's for the better.
 
Thanks guys. To answer that statement, yes, I do live with my parents as I am still a teen. And my issue here is also that my parents liked my formerly-monogamous relationship with my boyfriend before there was a stressful challenge and we decided that the only option that was both desired AND logical was a polyamorous relationship, so I'm worried about how Mom in particular will react to the fact that the relationship changed, even if all three of us agree that it's for the better.

Oh wow, you're a teenager? Since when is it not OK for a teen to not "go steady" and want to "play the field?" It can be unhealthy for a teen to go steady and get too enmeshed when you're still figuring out who you are and what you like in a partner.

I remember one summer when I was 18 going on 19, I was dating 4 guys. One back in my college city and 3 in my home town... Ain't nobody's business but your own, child!
 
Thanks guys. To answer that statement, yes, I do live with my parents as I am still a teen. And my issue here is also that my parents liked my formerly-monogamous relationship with my boyfriend before there was a stressful challenge and we decided that the only option that was both desired AND logical was a polyamorous relationship, so I'm worried about how Mom in particular will react to the fact that the relationship changed, even if all three of us agree that it's for the better.

oh. For some reason I thought you lived with your boyfriend and J was your neighbour.

You could perhaps tell them that you have decided not to be exclusive for a while, though you are still seeing each other. Which is sort of the truth. Rather than say you are committed to two. That could work?
 
Yeah, that's fine. I never clarified who I lived with. Thanks and yes, that's definitely the way to go. Thing here is it's not just temporary. We're hoping to make this last for as long as we can, possibly the rest of our lives. It's possible. We've got good communication, reasonable guidelines and mutual trust and respect for each other on all sides.

So literally my only problem is how to get my Mom to know, and (if we're lucky) possibly even approve of this.
 
Thing here is it's not just temporary. We're hoping to make this last for as long as we can, possibly the rest of our lives. It's possible. We've got good communication, reasonable guidelines and mutual trust and respect for each other on all sides.

That is fine. Your immediate concern is how to get through the years you live with them. Once you're independent, you will be in a better place to tell them and they will be in a better place to accept it.
 
Oh wow, you're a teenager? Since when is it not OK for a teen to not "go steady" and want to "play the field?" It can be unhealthy for a teen to go steady and get too enmeshed when you're still figuring out who you are and what you like in a partner.

This is an important point. "The rest of our lives" when you're 18 is 70 or 80 years!! It is extraordinarily unrealistic to expect that any teenager could have anywhere near the experience to make this kind of life choice. It's perfectly normal for teens and people in their 20s to not date exclusively. You don't have to give a big poly speech to your mom, just tell her that you're way too young to be getting serious with any one person and that you've agreed to give each other some space. There's no poly declaration needed here.
 
Hey, thanks guys. Sorry I'm not really good at explaining things. My situation is kind of complicated. Alexander and I DID go exclusive for three years and Mom said we had a very mature, adult attitude about it and we were ready for it, but I found that I became happier in this way. Not just because I have two lovers, but because I can see that it might work, and I can see how much they both care for me, and they trust and respect each other. With all that's going on, I do think I need to come out as poly, and actually Phaelen's coaxed me into doing it today, so I'm going to do the only thing I can: Tell her and hope for the best.

Only challenge I'll find it that she doesn't even like him from what she's seen outside, how much physical-contact and closeness he likes, even though we both enjoy it. So I'm going to tell her today after she (hopefully!) gets to meet him, and pray that she lets us make our own decisions. Sorry if I come across as being difficult, I'm just really nervous and have no clue what exactly I'm doing.
 
Hey, thanks guys. Sorry I'm not really good at explaining things. My situation is kind of complicated. Alexander and I DID go exclusive for three years and Mom said we had a very mature, adult attitude about it and we were ready for it, but I found that I became happier in this way. Not just because I have two lovers, but because I can see that it might work, and I can see how much they both care for me, and they trust and respect each other. With all that's going on, I do think I need to come out as poly, and actually Phaelen's coaxed me into doing it today, so I'm going to do the only thing I can: Tell her and hope for the best.

Only challenge I'll find it that she doesn't even like him from what she's seen outside, how much physical-contact and closeness he likes, even though we both enjoy it. So I'm going to tell her today after she (hopefully!) gets to meet him, and pray that she lets us make our own decisions. Sorry if I come across as being difficult, I'm just really nervous and have no clue what exactly I'm doing.

We understood things, just didn't understand the need to come out as poly if you think your mother would have a problem with your other guy. Even if you went exclusive for 3 years, there's no rule that says that you can't un-exclusive now - which is pretty much what you have actually done with your new guy.

For someone at 40 (as I am) a teenager courting potential drama to set a relationship status in concrete sounds a bit.... extreme. I am 40, all I tell my family is that I am committed to Spexy, but I could like comeone else too. "non-exclusive" covers us just fine for public declaration purposes and the details of our relationship aren't anyone's business anyway. Those we engage with freely know. Heck it isn't even a secret given that I tweet about it with my 100% real profile. I just don't go out of my way to create a conversation around it with people likely to disapprove. And this is me living independently in my own home and being known for being an extremely blunt person - it isn't like I'd even give a damn about anyone's disapproval. It simply isn't... necessary. Got better things to do. Like enjoy love instead of discussing it.

[Edit: At some point, it could be necessary - for example someone moving in. There would be no reason to hide that either, but it isn't like you will be in that kind of situation in a hurry yet. You being with two guys means you aren't exclusive to one. That is plenty of information for non-participants. There is no point extra-stressing that you are exclusive with two or whatever your plan is, because by the time you are able to actually do something about it beyond what you can do now, the situation may be different. There could be more guys, for example, or the guys may be different. So the actual necessary disclosure could be vastly different from what you are prematurely jumping into. "Forever" lasts while you feel it.]

But then I remember my teenage too and feelings about relationships were different and didn't mind drama - in fact I enjoyed drama over it, because I got to stress our relationship even more engaging in it with replies, etc :p Then, I wanted to show off my guy, now I like my privacy.

Either way, it is your choice. Wishing you the best.
 
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This is an important point. "The rest of our lives" when you're 18 is 70 or 80 years!! It is extraordinarily unrealistic to expect that any teenager could have anywhere near the experience to make this kind of life choice.

We all have thought "forever" at some point. These things get revised as necessary IME, though I don't think anyone thinking "forever" can be budged while they are thinking it :rolleyes:
 
No, we've been putting aspects together of what we have, what we're lacking that often fails relationships, and where we all want to how with this. The partners both know each other and have become friends, there's no jealousy if tension whatsoever, and we all have excellent communication and the ability to ask for what we need or talk freely to the others if there's a problem. Nothing is handled alone. We all have very mature attitudes towards this as well.

Not to say it would always last as it is, but we're trying our best to look at the big picture. It's doable. Maybe not entirely likely, but it could be doable.:)
 
Hi Sunhorse99,

It sounds like your parents know about Phaelen; however, they are pretending he doesn't exist in hopes that he will go away. I hope I've got the situation right, if not let me know. Or they know Phaelen's a friend and a neighbor, but they don't know you're romantically involved with him.

Maybe the thing to say is, "Mom, Dad, I'm nonmonogamous." Then you could answer any questions they have within reason. Walk away if they get angry, tell them you'll talk about it again some other time.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
IMNSHO, Sunhorse99 you're not old enough to be anything yet. (That's an old Adam Corolla line, btw.) I remember very clearly what it was to be 19 & all but living 24/7 with my first lover in campus housing, & we accepted early on that we barely knew what this "love" stuff was, much less where we'd be years down the road, & focused instead on living honestly "in the moment."

I feel it's admirable that you are willing to stand up & declare yourself a member of a group or category... but it's also premature. Like, back before "bisexual" became widely accepted as a normative category, a woman I knew flipped from being "lesbian" to "straight" & back again at least a dozen times in a year, depending on who she was hanging out with & various short-lived crushes & infatuations.

Being involved with more than one person isn't automatically polyamory; admitting to multiple attractions is even less so.

It's ridiculous of your parents to expect a kid's early dating experience to lead rapidly toward lifelong couplehood. Maybe you need to put your foot down against that sort of pressure, rather than wall off a "safe space" with a categorical label that might only add to the confusion.
 
Hi, Sunhorse99,

Look, I am no expert here but I'll do my best to give you my best advice, without sounding like a know-it-all just because I am older than you...

Actually I understand you and I think it is admirable that you want to have a nice relationship with your mother, letting her know about your life. Family is important and, specially when we are teenagers, our mothers are usually are our 'safe place'.

If you don't tell her anything and just keep hanging out with the two boys she might judge you badly and also dislike Phaelen imagining that he is sneaking into a relationship that was great before, right?

So I think being honest is the best thing to do. Tell her the truth... You don't need to use labels, concepts, definitions... Just explain her the situation. Tell her you still like your boyfriend but now you also have feelings for Phaelen and the three of you talked and decided to figure out your feelings in a very honest way, without hiding anything, without cheating, without hurting anyone.

She might not remember it right now, but she was a teenager! And one day she had to figure out her feelings, so I hope she understand that you are trying to do the same, in a very nice way, without playing other people's feelings.

Mothers will always love their kids and want them to be happy. Just show her that it is what makes you happy now and tell her that having her by your side is important to you.

Well... I think I said/wrote too much, sorry!

Wish everything goes well... :)
 
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