In search of advice.... help?

I don't really know why he struggles to have an orgasm... At first he blamed it on some weight gain on my part, then he told me this has been happening since right after we got married and I hadn't gained weight then. Now its just REALLY bad and hes saying that he doesn't actually think it has anything to do with me. :confused:
I'm honest horrified of what a counsler is going to say.
When a couple have a problem, then it's their problem and - if they love each other - should work on it together. But this reply only shores up my original take that he has problems of his own that are independent of you. And yet he's shoving a lot of his frustration and anger onto you. And blaming you. (For being more well-balanced / happy in the relationship than he? This might be closer to the mark than the weight gain.)

Side question: Did your weight gain have anything to do with marital strife? I mean did the strife lead to "compensation eating" and therefore weight gain? But you may also answer in the other direction as well: Did the weight gain lead to more fighting?

If you "don't really know why he struggles to have an orgasm", I suggest that you write down all 4 of my suggestions, add any more that occur to you and your husband (including the weight-gain theory), and take them along to your counselling session. Important: Do NOT take anything off the list that either he, you, or both of you strenuously denies/deny as being even a faint possibility. It is a well known fact that we often most adamantly deny the very option that's true. It's not going to hurt if you include BS on the list, and it might hurt if you exclude something that smells like BS.

Don't be "horrified of what a counsellor is going to say". If you choose a good one (s)he should use tact, but get to the heart of the matter. That might take time. And the road to a completely healthy relationship might take even longer. This is going to depend - I think - on how willing and able your husband is to working on himself. (You're going to have to work, too. But - as I've said - the main problem seems to be his.)

A counsellor is there to help, not to criticise or pass judgement and/or sentence.

Take heart! You deserve for things to improve.
 
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I'm going to repeat my suggestion of him going and getting a full physical, especially if he hasn't gotten one in a while. It's very, very possible that there's some type of imbalance at work in his body that's causing some of these things. If there is and he starts treatment before you go to therapy, I only see it helping the therapy be more effective.
 
As for getting pregnant, thats not really a worry with us. My body doesn't ovulate unless medicated so me getting pregnant without $100+ pills is not likely unless thats what God wanted..(sorry is that offends anyone..)
No offence taken and none intended in the following:

"Miracles" do happen... and they're not always God's will.
I can understand you being so sure of never ovulating that you use no other methods of birth control. In your case I wouldn't either. If the chances of getting pregnant are 0.00000013%, why mess around with your body chemistry / use unnecessary rubber barriers (where there's negligible risk of STDs)?

But if that 0.00000013% chance actually happened, I hope that you wouldn't reject abortion out of hand. Please don't bring a child into an unhealthy, unhappy home. That would only cause more resentment and unhappiness all around.
 
When a couple have a problem, then it's their problem and - if they love each other - should work on it together. But this reply only shores up my original take that he has problems of his own that are independent of you. And yet he's shoving a lot of his frustration and anger onto you. And blaming you. (For being more well-balanced / happy in the relationship than he? This might be closer to the mark than the weight gain.)

Side question: Did your weight gain have anything to do with marital strife? I mean did the strife lead to "compensation eating" and therefore weight gain? But you may also answer in the other direction as well: Did the weight gain lead to more fighting?

If you "don't really know why he struggles to have an orgasm", I suggest that you write down all 4 of my suggestions, add any more that occur to you and your husband (including the weight-gain theory), and take them along to your counselling session. Important: Do NOT take anything off the list that either he, you, or both of you strenuously denies/deny as being even a faint possibility. It is a well known fact that we often most adamantly deny the very option that's true. It's not going to hurt if you include BS on the list, and it might hurt if you exclude something that smells like BS.

Don't be "horrified of what a counsellor is going to say". If you choose a good one (s)he should use tact, but get to the heart of the matter. That might take time. And the road to a completely healthy relationship might take even longer. This is going to depend - I think - on how willing and able your husband is to working on himself. (You're going to have to work, too. But - as I've said - the main problem seems to be his.)

A counsellor is there to help, not to criticise or pass judgement and/or sentence.

Take heart! You deserve for things to improve.

The weight gain started when I got very depressed due to finding out about having polycystic ovierian syndrome. I started getting very lazy on top of eating a lot =60lbs weight gain. I still struggle with it every day. Now its more of just a lasting depression that I can't kick. The weight gain did cause more fighting on my part though, he would ask about going to a gym or what he could do to help me and I would get angry at him in the begining.

You have some great thoughts here, its unreal how helpful you're being :)
 
No offence taken and none intended in the following:

"Miracles" do happen... and they're not always God's will.
I can understand you being so sure of never ovulating that you use no other methods of birth control. In your case I wouldn't either. If the chances of getting pregnant are 0.00000013%, why mess around with your body chemistry / use unnecessary rubber barriers (where there's negligible risk of STDs)?

But if that 0.00000013% chance actually happened, I hope that you wouldn't reject abortion out of hand. Please don't bring a child into an unhealthy, unhappy home. That would only cause more resentment and unhappiness all around.


I completely understand and totally agree with this fact
 
I'm going to repeat my suggestion of him going and getting a full physical, especially if he hasn't gotten one in a while. It's very, very possible that there's some type of imbalance at work in his body that's causing some of these things. If there is and he starts treatment before you go to therapy, I only see it helping the therapy be more effective.

This too we have talked about, so hopefully soon we will be getting him into see a doctor. Its been probably 9years since he had a physical :(
 
This too we have talked about, so hopefully soon we will be getting him into see a doctor. Its been probably 9years since he had a physical :(

I'm glad he's willing to get the physical also. I have low thyroid production, which can affect all types of things. And once I started taking vitamin D because it showed up on a blood test that I was extremely deficient in that vitamin, all sorts of things were affected, like I no longer bruise as easily. So things that you wouldn't think are connected can be and just making sure there's nothing physical feeding into the issues is always a good idea.
 
Hi hairqueen,

I, too, recommend counseling, poly-friendly if possible, just for you if not for both of you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'll just say ditto to all the above posts.
He just wanted to cheap with permission and when you wanted
To as well he became jealous.

Sadly he has called it off and I think he'll just cheat behind your back.

I do hope it all works out for you.

Be Happy
 
Hi Hairqueen,

Now, before I launch into any advice that you asked for, please bear in mind that I really do not know your situation. I don't know how you feel, how he feels, or what's working/not working in your relationship. Huge grain of salt and all that.

IMO, entering an open relationship or poly one to "save" a marriage won't work. Sure, if the only problem you have is infidelity, then that can help. Chances are, your relationship has bigger, deeper problems than horniness. Adding more people to the mix can actually make things work. Even poly folk get jealous sometimes.

Your husband is being unfair. He wants you monogamous to him, but he wants to play with others. If he has problems reaching orgasm, that might have something to do with your weight gain or the fact that you're attainable as his wife — or it could have something to do with his happiness, stress, and mental state. In other words, it could very easily have nothing to do with you, your weight, or anything you can control.

I recommend trying to understand the problems in your marriage before opening it up to anyone in any way. Couples counseling can work wonders. It's not a panacea, and it requires both of you to commit to making changes in your behavior. But I really think that extra people right now will just cause more problems.
 
If he has problems reaching orgasm, that might have something to do with [...] the fact that you're attainable as his wife — or it could have something to do with his happiness, stress, and mental state. In other words, it could very easily have nothing to do with you, your weight, or anything you can control.
So! Let's add that bright little feller to your list. You wrote: "then he told me this has been happening since right after we got married". He didn't have this problem [with you] before you were married, but right after? It could be that he can only be turned on by the "forbidden". Might be dealt with in transvestism or consensual S&M (this might - or might not - be one you'd prefer him to explore on his own), but could turn nasty, this one (flashing, paedophilia...) so definitely should go on the list!

Could also mean that he "needs" a constant change of sex-partners ("Wouldn't be caught dead wearing the same dress twice.") Which might explain his original suggestion of one-night stands.
 
Just another take on the one-night stand thing... I kind of wonder if he wanted to fuck someone else to find out whether he would have the same problem orgasming as he does with Hairqueen. The way he brought it up, and especially his refusal to entertain the idea of Hairqueen also having other partners, was pretty dickish, but maybe in his head he was thinking of it as an experiment to find out whether or not he can come with someone else.

He sounds like he's really pulling out the asshole moves, though. Hairqueen, I hope you're getting proper treatment for your PCOS. That alone, as I understand it, can cause major weight gain, never mind if it's compounded by depression or other factors. If he's getting on your case about a weight gain you cannot control because it legitimately is caused by a medical condition, that really sucks. And I don't know a lot about PCOS, but does it impact things like depression because of hormonal wonkiness?

You have a lot going on, and this situation with your husband is just adding one more thing to the plate. I hope he does actually agree to go to counseling with you, and I hope it helps. I would also strongly urge him to go to the doctor at least for a checkup. But if nothing helps resolve the situation, I also hope you'll seriously consider whether it's worth you staying in a marriage where you're unhappy and there's constant conflict.
 
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