HurtandConfused
New member
I'm SUPER HESITANTLY re-assessing my definition of relationships, sex, intimacy and possessive feelings because I'm "forced" (ok, not really) to due to my partner having decided that our relationship wasn't making her happy (due to a LOT of things that were my fault) and that (secret) Poly would fix it; but she wasn't very happy with the secret part and eventually I worked it out that she had been sleeping with a friend of hers for the past few months. I never feel like she openly admitted what she was doing, it seemed to trickle out as she reluctantly told me the details when I emphasized questions. Now I (finally, I think) know that she had been emotionally cheating on me for some time, and then after Hurricane Maria (we live in the USVI, our house got minor damage, we rode through the hurricane together with our kids in a bed room) she started sleeping with the friend. She says it fulfills a sexual fantasy that I can't, because it's opposite of what I fulfill for her (and after being cheated on this is pretty hard to hear for me).
Why do I feel so strongly about someone being happy with someone else AND with me, it's like a physical reaction; like I have an ulcer or someone injects me with anxiety when the thoughts come up... but we weren't virgins when we met, why is it different now?
I think the cheating happened mostly because we had an unhealthy relationship and I set myself up for failure in a few ways, I provided everything for a long time (she is certainly contributing now) and when I think back on it I may have been setting up a financial dependency so I felt more permission to "be me" and be less of what she wanted me to be (in the beginning I felt she was very co-dependent (which I thought was very unhealthy, very judgy on my part) and always fawning over me adoring me, I didn't return the same level of attention and I'm sure that's how this all started off). I had different thoughts on topics like drug use etc that I didn't fully respect her on and we clashed over, but I thought it wasn't really a big deal so I didn't understand the reaction to the topic (haha, funny how THAT came back to bite me).
She said that she was very angry at me for a long time because I wasn't fulfilling her expectations until she came to the realization that I was just being me, not doing things to intentionally hurt her; and she could fill those needs with someone else and not have to pressure me for those needs. This makes sense, and I allowed a "friend ship" to progress to "wildly inappropriate levels" (my label) to the point that I knew she was emotionally fulfilling parts of her elsewhere; and we even talked about having open relationships (I was vehemently against, as I've had issues in the past that I haven't worked through fully) and she was just realizing (I think) what her naturally flirtatious nature meant (something I always was at least minorly annoyed by for reasons already stated). She says she was just being selfish and looking for a solution to what she felt was lacking in our relationship; to her this was the perfect fix, to her it wasn't a big deal, to her it was a fix to our relationship and she did not know how badly she would hurt me. She felt bad about lying to me but not very much as she was planning a trip to stay with him for 8 days this june recently (thats when I finally started to get the truth). She says her ideal situation is to have both of us in her life.
Anyway, we are both trying to set the past aside and work things out, I'm still very hurt by the "cheating" (lying really) but why? She says she'll try to work with me but cannot promise anything for the future (which, omg is so honest!) and I strongly feel that if I stay with her it won't be just us in the future.. and maybe it shouldn't be, who am I to stop her from what makes her happy? Hell maybe I'd like to have an open relationship(?). Or I could still just be processing hurt and seeing things the worst way possible according to my current perspective (thanks brain!).
I recently said there's no way we could be in a relationship in the future with her continuing to have outside partners, but why? If she can be happy with me and someone else, why am I stopping her? Jealousy certainly (fear), a sense of in-adequateness and self loathing that I-wasn't-good-enough (basically insecurities, which are MY issue, not hers... still working through these feelings).I feel that our relationship was lessened when she spent the time with him in the past and I was always depressed and KNEW something was wrong when she went on trips with him (yeah, I'm an overly supportive idiot).
Even though we got to this point with her hurting me, I think it was just an inflection point in our relationship, I need to accept her for what she is right now; or not be with her. Or perhaps she needs to do the same to me?
Logically monogamy makes zero sense, I've had the drive to be sexually promiscuous all my life (a drive I've SAVAGELY contained all my life) so why now that I'm interacting with someone else with a similar mind set am I so hurt/betrayed feeling (more of my own personal baggage i'm sure)? Probably doesn't help that she's very attractive and I've maybe always felt like i got too lucky with her and insecurity bla bla blah..
At times we both think we have an awesome opportunity here, that this situation has re-focused our relationship, but I still have heavy trepidation's that the future will mostly likely include something I'm not sure I'm ready for; but we are only 4 days into this, so I don't see how clearly I can be thinking on the topic.
Why do I feel so strongly about someone being happy with someone else AND with me, it's like a physical reaction; like I have an ulcer or someone injects me with anxiety when the thoughts come up... but we weren't virgins when we met, why is it different now?
I think the cheating happened mostly because we had an unhealthy relationship and I set myself up for failure in a few ways, I provided everything for a long time (she is certainly contributing now) and when I think back on it I may have been setting up a financial dependency so I felt more permission to "be me" and be less of what she wanted me to be (in the beginning I felt she was very co-dependent (which I thought was very unhealthy, very judgy on my part) and always fawning over me adoring me, I didn't return the same level of attention and I'm sure that's how this all started off). I had different thoughts on topics like drug use etc that I didn't fully respect her on and we clashed over, but I thought it wasn't really a big deal so I didn't understand the reaction to the topic (haha, funny how THAT came back to bite me).
She said that she was very angry at me for a long time because I wasn't fulfilling her expectations until she came to the realization that I was just being me, not doing things to intentionally hurt her; and she could fill those needs with someone else and not have to pressure me for those needs. This makes sense, and I allowed a "friend ship" to progress to "wildly inappropriate levels" (my label) to the point that I knew she was emotionally fulfilling parts of her elsewhere; and we even talked about having open relationships (I was vehemently against, as I've had issues in the past that I haven't worked through fully) and she was just realizing (I think) what her naturally flirtatious nature meant (something I always was at least minorly annoyed by for reasons already stated). She says she was just being selfish and looking for a solution to what she felt was lacking in our relationship; to her this was the perfect fix, to her it wasn't a big deal, to her it was a fix to our relationship and she did not know how badly she would hurt me. She felt bad about lying to me but not very much as she was planning a trip to stay with him for 8 days this june recently (thats when I finally started to get the truth). She says her ideal situation is to have both of us in her life.
Anyway, we are both trying to set the past aside and work things out, I'm still very hurt by the "cheating" (lying really) but why? She says she'll try to work with me but cannot promise anything for the future (which, omg is so honest!) and I strongly feel that if I stay with her it won't be just us in the future.. and maybe it shouldn't be, who am I to stop her from what makes her happy? Hell maybe I'd like to have an open relationship(?). Or I could still just be processing hurt and seeing things the worst way possible according to my current perspective (thanks brain!).
I recently said there's no way we could be in a relationship in the future with her continuing to have outside partners, but why? If she can be happy with me and someone else, why am I stopping her? Jealousy certainly (fear), a sense of in-adequateness and self loathing that I-wasn't-good-enough (basically insecurities, which are MY issue, not hers... still working through these feelings).I feel that our relationship was lessened when she spent the time with him in the past and I was always depressed and KNEW something was wrong when she went on trips with him (yeah, I'm an overly supportive idiot).
Even though we got to this point with her hurting me, I think it was just an inflection point in our relationship, I need to accept her for what she is right now; or not be with her. Or perhaps she needs to do the same to me?
Logically monogamy makes zero sense, I've had the drive to be sexually promiscuous all my life (a drive I've SAVAGELY contained all my life) so why now that I'm interacting with someone else with a similar mind set am I so hurt/betrayed feeling (more of my own personal baggage i'm sure)? Probably doesn't help that she's very attractive and I've maybe always felt like i got too lucky with her and insecurity bla bla blah..
At times we both think we have an awesome opportunity here, that this situation has re-focused our relationship, but I still have heavy trepidation's that the future will mostly likely include something I'm not sure I'm ready for; but we are only 4 days into this, so I don't see how clearly I can be thinking on the topic.