Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-17-2015, 12:39 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 17,325

Hi Kyle,

Thanks for sharing your side of the story. It sounds like you're caught in a Mexican standoff where each of you wants the other to be the one who leaves. The standoff could continue for a long time. Leaving seems to have become some kind of unspoken admission of guilt.

Perhaps this thread could become a kind of negotiation table for you? Alternatively could the two of you start seeing a couples counselor?

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2015, 02:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,376


Thanks for adding your side.

You are each responsible for either helping to solve this or helping to end it. Hopefully you are both on the same page about it. If not? End it. Mismatch to me means end. Once cannot force someone to stay who doesn't want to be there.

Let me lift a few things up from your post.

I've asked her in the beginning to leave.
That sounds like "go away." Since you are the provider, how did you help her to leave? Did you guys make a separation agreement and you gave her funds to move out with that would factor in later on in the settlement? Stop living together and then start working on the actual divorce proceedings?

i feel she should want to work on us make us a stronger unit so i can be more accepting
That sounds like "Don't leave."

To me that sounds push-pull. If you are doing push-pull behaviors, that does not ADD to stability or security in the marriage. It takes away.

These are serious problems:
  • you gave up on life
  • you ate and ate to hide your pain rather than express it
  • you killed yourself (is this suicide gesture?)
  • Your jealousy fears and worry fears take over.
  • You are unable to control your behavior when emotionally disregulated even though you know it is wrong to do.

HOW are you fixing it? Are you now seeing a professional counselor and seeking a dx?

Being married to a patient person who will not take personal responsibility for their healthcare is sometimes an emotional drain. If you can show you are owning your part of the job in keeping yourself in good health, and that you are taking some personal responsibility so it becomes less of a drain? Then maybe you could ask if she could become more willing to work with you on the marriage counseling layer.

If both agree? Then you both can see a marriage counselor for solving that layer of it. You seem to want to become more accepting. Ask the marriage counselor to help you.

If you are not willing to see professionals to help you? I don't think you guys can solve it on your own. I also do not think Internet help is enough. You guys have deep issues. I think it needs pros to untangle.

If you don't want to work with pros? Do not agree to stay in a situation you find unfair. Best to part. If that is the case, to me it sounds like it doesn't matter which one "leaves" -- just that this whole mess gets to be DONE and you both move on to the healing place instead of all constantly all churned up inside.

Is this about who gets to keep the home? How about nobody keep it and both leave?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-17-2015 at 03:15 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2015, 01:38 PM
KyleS KyleS is offline
New Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 2

Well Gala, when I asked her to leave she refused to. I would have given her anything she asked. if she wanted funds they would have been hers.
But she refused stating she loved me to much to leave.

I don't understand this. how can you love me yet not want me? As i try to accept this relationship seeing as neither of us are willing to leave. (my reason being I don't want to loose my girls and my home. Just because she wants more to be happy, I feel if she is not happy and wishes to seek out more it should be her decision to leave)

But No I guess she did not feel safe enough or in some weird way she loves me and think hurting me = love.

So yes i wanted her to make an effort on us if she was going to stay. If Beci is so hell bent on loving me as much as she says she dose, working on us should be an easy option to choose.

so yes it has worked to push pull. but not back to back or over night. were taking last 2 years. Beci would tell me who wants nothing more then us and our family. only to start seeking out guys again. a few months it will just be us and well be happy a few months later she is guy hunting. and so on so forth.

I never know when its going to change when she will keep a promise.
i mean hell she did it to me last night. She went out to see some guy she has only been talking to for 3 days. met them on craigslist.

i asked her to talk with me. try to discuss my feeling and so I can work on my fear and not take it as such a heavy blow. Trying to understand she is not doing this due to any lack i have We discussed what were off limits and what we feel are safe things to do. I was open to every thing but 3 . We agreed to no sex on the first date. call me when you arrive and when you leave so I know your safe

3 hours go buy and no phone calls. not from her not from the guy no one. It was something so simple and she agreed to it saying it was a smart idea and understanding it was nothing but me worrying about her well being. so i called the guy she was meeting. a few times to find out if she got there safely. I get no answer. text no answer. then nearly 4 hours later she comes home.

now my mind is reeling, what could she have done that would prevent her from contacting me. like we agreed to. She lied about contacting me must have lied about not fucking him as well. Its the only explanation I could make. i understand alot of stuff makes me look like this piece of shit. but its simply not true. I love Beci but she can never seem to keep her word. even when we agree and its simple as calling me letting me know hes has not drugged you and toss you in his truck. I mean Jesus you've been talking online for 3 days.

now the reason i gave up on life was well for 4 years she pretended I was not alive. ignored me utterly. it ate at me. like she just all of a sudden stoped loving me. again out of no where. Always out of no where. I chose the low path. it was wrong but its what I did. and i have seeked help to fix my weight in a professional weight clinic as we speak lost around 15 to 20 lbs last 2 weeks.

now for working on us she refuses to. All I ever get is "work on you Kyle then maybe i'll think about working on us" Beci is unwilling to get help she feels we don't need it just me. I like the idea of a marriage counselor. but Beci feels like its unneeded. That she loves me and dose not feel need for outside help just me.

I'm willing to do whatever I can I'm tried of of feeling like useless piece of shit man. cause the women in my life has decided im not enough and never was

as for leaving the both of us that can never work, Our 2 daughters are special needs. it would ruin their lives
Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2015, 02:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,376

I'm willing to do whatever I can I'm tried of of feeling like useless piece of shit man
Good. Be assertive.

Arrange for a counselor for yourself so you have support in this difficult time. Pick up the phone and make an appointment.

Well Gala, when I asked her to leave she refused to. I would have given her anything she asked. if she wanted funds they would have been hers.
But she refused stating she loved me to much to leave.
That is not you going to talk to a lawyer.

You two are not compatible.

Go see a lawyer. Draw up a fair separation agreement. Include custody and care of daughters. Give her money, don't wait for her to ask. Be as generous as possible.

Go to the bank and set up a separate account for you to live on in transition, for her to live on in transition, and then joint to pay for break up costs and kid care. Just get things done so this stops dragging on and on.

You want to keep the present home. Ask her to move to nearby apartment. Offer to help her pack up her stuff and move her out by the end of the month.

Then work on disbanding common law marriage however it is done in your area and make final settlement / final arrangements for special needs daughters. Their care after the split.

Our 2 daughters are special needs. it would ruin their lives
Being in this dysfunctional family dynamic is helping to build up or improve their lives how?

All you know for sure at this point is that it would change their lives.

Maybe it could improve ALL your lives for the better. But staying in the pits right now? I don't see how that is good for any of you. It's a sure downer to stay there. You have already been down for a few years. That's enough.

So scary as it is... embrace change now that you are willing to do anything to get your life back on track. Make changes happen and take a chance on things looking up as a result.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-17-2015 at 03:38 PM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:02 AM.