Adrift's Challenge to Herself

adrift

New member
A bit of background:
Poly is a struggle for me. By habit, I'm a jealous and insecure creature with a lot of pessimistic tendencies. Trying to be positive and compersionate about my triad almost feels as painful as pulling teeth. And I feel like I shouldn't have to be. When I'm upset or afraid or jealous, I do the exact opposite of what is good and healthy for me; I withdraw into myself, avoid communicating with my partners and get lost in dark, horrid fantasies where I realize all along that my partners don't care for me, don't love me, or don't care/want me as much as they do each other. It makes me feel crazy, like I can't trust my own mind. These dark fantasies become so real in my mind that I question what the hell I'm doing in a relationship that doesn't provide for me.

So I decided I needed to do something to change this. I love both of my partners very deeply and I've never felt this way about anyone else previously. I want this relationship to work. I decided that I need to start being proactive instead of reactive whenever jealousy rears its ugly head.

So this blog is about doing that. It's about confront what makes me feel afraid one step at a time (however big or small) and doing something about it. So my challenge to myself is to take at least one moment every day and do the exact opposite of what my fear is telling me to do. It may be as simple as instead of wondering why my girlfriend isn't as affectionate with me as with my boyfriend, get past that little voice that says "It's because she doesn't love you," and reach out to her first. Show her that I love her and desire her and hope that she shows me the same in return.

I plan on coming here and to my personal journal everyday to document it. This is how I plan to keep myself accountable. I want to do this for 30 days and then evaluate how I feel afterward. If I still feel like my relationship is disconnected or ill fitting, then I realize maybe I need to reconsider if it's right for me. But if I notice a change in those 30 days, then I'll (hopefully) be able to see where my actions have caused a disconnected and keep working toward fixing it.

Truth be told, this challenge scares me and I don't really know why. I suppose that fear is like a caged and tormented animal that is afraid of it's potential freedom. Wish me luck!
 
Welcome! This challenge seems like a great idea and I wish you the best of luck.

When it comes to noticing the differences in your two relationships, don't forget that *every* relationship is different. It's ok if they develop at different times, in different ways, and at different rates... in fact that's the only way it could possibly work, because just as no two people are the same, no connection between two people could ever be exactly the same as another. But that's the beautiful thing -- because no two relationships are the same, no relationship can ever really replace another, each person you love is irreplaceable and if they truly love you then you are irreplaceable to them too. Ok, I've gone on enough. :)
 
Good luck....

I suggest you read up on triads.... From what I've read equal doesn't exist, sort of the dream that everyone wants to shoot for. So your thoughts and feeling could be completely valid.
 
That sounds like an awesome challenge! I kind of learned this by example. Current bf has almost always been nothing but sweet to me. I can see from his parents where he learned this. My heart just swells when he goes the extra inch for me. I think one of the reasons we were able to live together longer than I had previously lived with anyone (apart the parents) is that we both reached out and touched when a tiny part inside really wanted to reach out and smash.
I know that I always felt better when I was cranky or unloving and I took direct, loving action.

I'm so looking forward to cheering you on!
 
Thanks for the feedback everyone! I know I'm going to need all the support I can get when I feel really down on myself!

I figure I ought to warn everyone who reads this now that much of what will be posted here will be heavily emotionally charged and not really fair. But it's just my perspective and my venting place. I want a safe way to vent all the bad things I'm thinking without placing the burden of it on my partners. This does not mean I'm not communicating but I feel that taking the time to work out my emotions first before explaining them usually helps me deal with the crazy.

As far as equality goes...this is such a touchy issue I feel when it comes to poly. When I say equal, I don't mean keeping count of every action or non action that happens. But I do mean in feeling like my partner values me just the same as they value their other partners. And right now...things have been hard and I haven't always felt that way. And I'm doing this challenge to see if I can change that and to see if I'm making the situation worse by my internal dialogue.

Thanks again for stopping by!
 
Day 1

So day 1 did not start this challenge off in the best way. Nancy was completely stressed out about money and our household finances which left her stressed, anxious and in a bad mood. She pulled out of it for the most part until bed time where she had a bit of a freak out.

So her general mood made the atmosphere feel uncomfortable for a while and generally when that happens is I avoid touching her becuase I'm never sure if it'll make her snap at me, (she can be testy during her stressful moments but aren't we all!). So the brave thing I did was ask for alone time with her wherre we watched our favorite tv show. I tried to intitate cuddling or show her affection by hugs and kisses but she was generally unresponsive. I tried my hardest not to let this make me upset, especially when I saw her being very loving with our boyfriend.


What was helpful:
I moved outside of my comfort zone and acted instead of waiting. I proved to myself that I can move beyond what worries me.

Unfortunately, her reaction didn't make me feel any less like she was disinterested me. But she did reveal that part of her weird behavior toward me was a really bad dream she had about me that made her uncomfortable. So at least I understood why she was weird that night. But it didn't make me feel better in the sense that it was one explanation for tonight and not for previous interactions.

But I'm sticking to my plan!
 
Day 2

Today was school day for me and those days I don't see Nancy too much. I was lucky to have time with Hardy since I didn't have to work. It was so wonderful to spend time with him and just hanging out until my class. I was still weird from last nights events. Nancy's freakout kept us both up late as I was trying to help her relax and calm down. But she was still weird because of the dream she had where she got violent with me.

So the brave thing I did tonight: I sat on the couch with Nancy and spent time with her before bedtime. God, that sounds weird doesn't it? That something that simple can be a brave thing for me. But I guess when my natural tendency is to go, "Well, you aren't showing me affection so I'm not going to show you any!" changing that to, "You've been standoffish lately but I love you and I love us so I'm not going to run away." feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. There's just a part of me that screams, "You're being so effing stupid! You're being used!"

So when I worked myself on my drive home thinking that she doesn't care and that's why x,y, and z happens, I was prepared to be somewhat ignored by her. That's kind of fucked up isn't it?

But I sat on the couch with her, just us because Hardy was on the phone with his mother and we just talked. We talked, we bitched, we giggle but more importantly we shared. God, I felt like that hadn't happened in so long! She sat close, she touched me and showed her interest.

I'm sorry to say that emotionally I wasn't as receptive as I would have liked to be. I was so ready to be upset, to be hurt, and emotionally numbed myself to deal with it that I wasn't totally present in the moment.

But tonight showed me something. It showed me that it doesn't have to be bad all the time and that my girlfriend actually does care about me to some extent.

There's still a long way to go for me. I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish in terms of my jealousy and my perception of my triad. But for now, I'm focusing on celebrating the little steps.

Here's looking to tomorrow's bravery!
 
Day 3

Today was frustrating for me and did not start off well. Last night Nancy told me she wanted to wake up early in the morning to have alone time with Hardy before she left for work. I was hit hard with jealous and negative emotions when she'd said that. Though to be fair, I was already in a bad place all day about the state of her and mine relationship that I was grumpy and exhausted by the time I got home tonight. I felt extra bad because she was trying to show interest in having a conversation with me but I was so deep in my negative space that I was barely present in the moment.

In general, I don't like watching them or hearing them have sex. Luckily for me, if I'm downstairs with the tv I don't have to see or hear anything I don't want to while they are up in our bedroom. So when she said she wanted alone time in the morning, not only did I feel like she was taking something away from me (Hardy and I actually had the day together and under normal circumstances we would have been intimate in the morning just after she left for work) but I felt inconvenience. Because I don't want to hear anything, I wouldn't be able to stay in the bedroom while they went to the other bedroom to have sex. And being a slight sleeper, I would have woken up when her alarm went off then been unable to go back to sleep because I'd be too concerned with making sure I didn't hear anything and having general anxiety. So I chose to sleep on the couch. Nancy and Hardy weren't very happy about it but understood that it was the best choice for me at the moment.

Unfortunately, being downstairs means anything they wake up to go to the bathroom I wake up with the pipes carrying water away. So I didn't sleep well, and I ended up awake around the time they would have been having sex anyway so I just stayed awake. I regret to say, I did not act bravely this morning. I let my jealousy keep me from being truly in the moment with my alone time with Hardy and affectionate with Nancy as she left for work.

I carried this anxiety with me all day and then something strange happened. I'm in the middle of my night class and all of the sudden, something inside of me goes, "You know, it's really not a big deal if they have sex." And just like that, like a switch flipped, my perception changed. I don't know what happened but I'm so happy it did! I hate feeling so ugly inside about the people I love.

When I came home, I was just happy to see my partners and my girlfriend seemed so happy to see me. I felt like the affection and interest I'd been missing from her was finally visible and tangible like I'd been dying for it to be. And I felt so stupid for being so moody. I still felt a little anxious at the thought of them having sex but not nearly as bad as I had this morning.
 
Day 4

I had a good day today, I'm happy to report! I visited with two friends of mine, a married couple that my partners like to joke about as "my other triad." I usually shake my head at this because who the hell would have time or energy for that? If that's you, more power to you because I damn sure don't have the energy for it.

Hardy was working today so that meant Nancy and I had the house to ourselves until the morning. I was a little sad that I had to work right before she got home from her job but Nancy called me after she got out just to talk to me for a bit. And it lit me upside just to hear her voice and hear her say how much she wished I was at home. Not only that, but to have her recognize that Hardy being off from work for a week was wonderful for our relationships with him but that she and I needed our time together. It's amazing how little things like that can change everything.

My brave thing today? Allow myself to just be happy. I didn't talk myself down from that little victory I felt I'd had. I didn't convince myself that she didn't mean it or that she really wished she was home alone with Hardy instead. I let myself feel happy that she wanted me and missed me too.
 
Day 5

I had a wonderful night with Nancy despite the both of us being exhausted last night. It was just nice to cuddle with her, talk and eat grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. I hated getting up in the morning and going to work. But I did get to talk to Hardy before I clocked in. And the wonderful man that he is, he brought me breakfast so I got to see him briefly too. :) I love them both so much.

Today my brave thing was not getting jealous with hints or comments made about them having sex. I managed to laugh and joke with them and generally feel connected to both my partners when I got home. Nancy and I both felt icky so we mostly cuddled until we managed to drag ourselves up to make dinner. And we made an awesome dinner together then sat around watching one of our favorite tv shows with Hardy. It was a quiet night but a happy one.
 
I decided that I need to start being proactive instead of reactive whenever jealousy rears its ugly head.

So this blog is about doing that. It's about confront what makes me feel afraid one step at a time (however big or small) and doing something about it. So my challenge to myself is to take at least one moment every day and do the exact opposite of what my fear is telling me to do.

Been reading your thread so far and realized I'd wanted to comment on your first post but never did.

So, just wanted to say that your challenge to yourself is exactly the stuff that enlightenment is made of. Changing your perspective is transformative, and not just to you. When we look inside and take steps to transform ourselves, we in turn transform our environments and everyone around us. There will be moments that are magical because you are not trying to fix anyone or change other people to suit yourself. And you're not sitting around making wish lists and doing nothing. You are actively shifting your reality. Congratulations, enlightened human!
 
Thank you for your comment! That's so wonderful to hear! Seeing messages like this help me to keep going through with my plan rather than letting it fall tithe wayside.
 
I can definitely relate.

Thank you for doing this! I struggle with these things everyday myself and it's awesome to hear of somebody getting through it and learning. You are awesome!
 
Wow! Thanks! I've spent so much time and mental energy on being jealous that something had to give. If I keep up with he bad habits I'm going to lose the one thing I really want. Poly is hard for some of us but I have to believe it can be done because if how I love my partners and my own well being. I deserve to be happy too and so do you!
 
I deserve to be happy too and so do you!

Today, I told my chiro (who is also my friend) about my recent road trip with First bf. I was telling him how wonderful it was blahdyblah,
and he said, 'that so nice,
You deserve it.'

And for some reason it really struck me. It just smacked me in the face and stuck there.

Nice to hear this echo. THANK YOU!
 
Day 6

(I really need to be better about posting what happens at the end of each day instead of trying to remember after the fact. But with school, work, two partners, homework, sleep, trying to have a social life too...where does the time go?)

Today was blissfully work free! And I got to spend time with Harvey but the poor boy was so exhausted from work that it was only for a few hours before he passed out for majority of the day. But it was quality time together, not just time together if that makes sense. And I also had some me time which is becoming a precious commodity these days. I just sat in my pajamas, watching reruns on tv until the evening. I had dinner with a friend that I hadn't seen in forever which was awesome! And it gave Hardy and Nancy some alone time as well. It was so nice to get out and do something for myself, drink and laugh with a friend without feeling that gnawing feeling in my gut of jealousy at the time Hardy and Nancy are having without me.

I think the bravest thing I did today was just allow myself to be happy and smile. I didn't feel guilty for leaving them alone and I didn't allow my jealousy to keep me from having a good time with my friend. And most importantly, when I came out and they were still out, I didn't get grumpy! Yay! I love not being grumpy!
 
Day 7

First week down and sadly, day 7 was NOT a good day for me. I was exhausted all day from work being unnecessarily stressful, lack of quality sleep, and knowing I wouldn't be seeing either of my partners until it was their bedtime. I hate spending so much time away that by the time I get home, I barely see them and barely have time for myself before I have to go to sleep.

And I get weird if I stay up later than they do. I'm always afraid that by the time I decide to go to bed that I'll walk in on them having sex. It's one of the biggest hurtles I have currently, worrying that I'll walk in on them. I have bad memories from the first time we started a poly relationship, Harvey an I, and walking on him with our then girlfriend when he agreed not to initiate anything sexual when I wasn't around. That ugly feeling has stuck with me and every time I walk in on him with another person, I feel like I'm walking in him cheating on me even though since that point, I haven't placed any restrictions on his sexuality with others. But I hate that it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I know that if things get better on my end and Nancy and I build up our relationship and our bond that it won't bother me as much. I'm not so optimistic that it'll go away completely, the jealousy, but I've had moments where it's much more manageable and it's when my needs are met.

I'm sorry so say, I wasn't very brave today. I let my bad thoughts get the better of me and I let my stress ruin my day.
 
Day 8

Today was another long day, work first, then a meeting for a group assignment at school after. Luckily for me, it meant getting home early to spend some quality time with Nancy. Both of us were destroyed from the days events. And the night before Nancy and Hardy had some drama which left everyone in the house feeling uncomfortable and on edge. There were a few tears but Nancy and Hardy seemed to work it out. I really don't know what happened but I hate when they have drama. It's dealing with all of the negative emotions in the air and none of the feeling of relief when there's a resolution because it doesn't involve me.

But Nancy and I had a good time, being silly on the internet. It was a quiet evening and a relaxing one.

The brave thing I did today was allow myself to relax and not immediately get worried when she seemed off or not inclined to cuddle. I think it helped the night from becoming awkward.
 
Day 9

Today was another one of those long work days that sort of destroy me but I'm happy to say my day started amazing with some alone time with my lady. Thank god! I felt like it had been forever! (And to be fair, two days feels like forever with my libido). I had also asked for alone time with my boyfriend before I went to work today because he and Nancy were going away for the weekend and I knew it would be awhile before we'd have any alone time. But when there was time to have it, he invited Nancy to hang out with us and I felt it would be rude to go "No, it's our time to be alone," especially if he explicitlly invites her to hang out. I guess I felt like I would react badly in that situation if that's what happened so I didn't say anything.

It made me really sad and cue all the bad thoughts coming in, "He doesn't want to be alone with me. He doesn't care. He'd rather spend time with Nancy than be alone with me. I'm not as important." Blah blah blah. And currently, I'm not comfortable with group sex for a variety of reasons but mainly, I get jealous when I see them together, especiallly when I feel like my sex life with each of them isn't quite meeting my needs at the moment. I'm not haing nearly as much sexual contact as I want and need but I'm hoping to improve this. We left him alone to nap and I was feeling pretty low since it felt like he didn't care about me. So I went upstairs briefly to give him a kiss and talk to him about it, my brave thing for the day. Turns out Hardy forgot about us planning alone time. He asked me why I didn't ask for alone time when there was time for it and I kindly reminded him that I had asked for it the previous day. He appologized and felt upset. I hated to upset him but I felt good for not walking away from the situation carrying those upset feelings. And to know that I wasn't crazy for being sad and to hear from his lips that he does want alone time with me.

I just don't know why if he wants it too, he won't ask for it. I think he gets so stressed dealing with two women that he worries about upseting the balance so he won't. And he knows, I'm less tempermental than our girlfriend who has had times of extreme moodiness. But it frustrates me that it feels like he chooses her needs over mine because I'm less likely to cause a fuss. But deep down, I don't believe that's what is going on.

And despite not having the time with him that I needed, I got more time with Nancy and it made me happy to just sit on the couch with her, talk, cuddle, and watch stupid youtube videos. So in the end, it worked out because any quality time with Nancy is good at this point. It helped me to feel even stronger about our growing bond and me feeling like there is a place for me in this relationship. So many times, I see them together and think, "What am I doing here? Do I even belong here? They're so happy with each other, they're never this happy with me!"

Despite some badness, the night ended well. The three of us saw a late night movie and went to bed entirely too late. But it was nice to have time with them before they go out of town for a few days.
 
Day 10

I didn't see much of Nancy or Hardy today. I made plans to go to a drinking event with my friends, thinking they were going to be leaving yesterday instead of today. But I had breakfast with my dad and then decided to go meet my friends early rather than go home and go back out. Because we all had so litle sleep they were dead to the world when I left.

I such a great time with my friends and I forgot how awesome it can be to have the house all to myself! The bed was all mine! Oh it was so nice to sprawl out and not worry about kicking anyone!

The brave thing I did today: After the festival, I felt like crap so I went home. I have a meeting in the morning so I needed to go to bed early anyway. But I was feeling a lilttle down that my partners were go on their romantic getaway and feeling very much that they wanted to get away from me. It's something I struggled with on and off as I was home alone, nursing a prehangover. So I decided to push it out of my mind and relax. I took pleasure in doing things I wanted to do rather than worry about what they were doing or how much crazy sex they were having.

I didn't call them. I figure that it's their time alone and I shouldn't disturb it and if they want to talk to me they will.
 
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