Redpepper's journey

No judgement here Red. I know you're still feeling your way through, but just know that's pretty much all you can do at this juncture. Shifts in relationships, mono, poly, with yourself... they can all be very painful, and eye-opening as well. Try to stay present with self above all; there is nothing worse than being vacant and listless towards onself.

Hoping for better days for you all soon.
 
No judgement from me either.

I hope you are able to find some peace and some way of dealing with your fear of being abandoned.

You are dealing with some really tough stuff just now and I hope that the change in your thought processes help.
 
RP, sorry that you are having such a tough time now and over this past year. It is clear that you've worked really hard to make your relationships work and to adjust to the various developments in your life.

I wanted to second River's recommendation of Radical Acceptance; for me it had some useful ideas about adjusting to change and coping with hurts. Not all of it was my cup of tea, but I found it pretty easy to pick up what helped and let the rest of it slip away. Hopefully you could find something in it that resonated with you.
 
Never any judgment from this corner of the universe either. A week ago I dropped and admitted I didn't know if I could manage poly any more. The drama, the complications. I feel torn.

It's been a rough couple months-- again, and the the third New Year's Eve from hell. I haven't wanted to say much about it because I'm so worried about you. But damn, woman, you write my feelings, sometimes. It's eerie!

I hope you know we love you all of you. However it lays out best is how it will lay out. Please take extra good care of yourself, my friend.
 
The grief of one person's stuff is easier than the cascade effect of dealing with four people as a result of dealing with one person treating me badly. In monogamy the pain and hurt only effects the couple. That seems far more appealing now. Not as many ripples.

In my experience, this is not true. The pain and hurt effects their entire support group of friends and family. It can affect their co-workers, their ability to maintain their jobs. Even in monogamous relationships, people are connected to more than just each other.

For example, a friend of mine's wife cheated on him, got pregnant, and when he kicked her out, took their daughter with her. Our entire social circle was affected. He was hurt, sad, and angry to the point where being in the same room with his was psychically painful to some of our friends. Those of us she used as cover stories felt betrayed when we found out. We felt unable to help our friend when he could not just snap out of it. 2 1/2 - 3 year later, we are still dealing with it.

I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer with mono or poly being the better choice. But I will gently suggest that you find someone to talk to about your abandonment issues. I have them too, though they don't manifest all that often anymore, and it helped to get them off my chest. I know that you've been struggling with a lot this year, but I worry about the effect that shifting too quickly in the opposite direction will have on you and your chosen family.

You have many people in your life who love you, Red. They haven't stopped loving you even though things have been difficult, and that says a lot, about them, about you and the amazing person they see inside you. Sometimes it is hard to see that person inside ourselves. Harder still to go on faith that they're right.
 
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I'd have to agree with that. In my experience, the bs of a partner impacts more than just the partners. It impacts kids and extended family, too. So even in monogamy it's a cascade effect.

That said, I do understand what you mean, because problems with Maca equate to GG and me having less time together, spending more of it dealing with the fallout, etc. Which in turn sometimes results in problems between GG and me. I get tired of feeling guilty for the bs between Maca and me turning this other relationship upside down.

Hugs. I hope you are remembering to go take a walk or paint or just spend time quietly alone still.
 
Hugs.

Just wanted to add my support and wishes for peace and happiness in your life; you are an incredible human being, and inspirational even in your vulnerability and pain. I think you are incredibly brave, loving and considerate. I have no advice that can make this easier, or challenges for you as a human being - only interested in letting you know that there is one more person in this world that is rooting for you and your happiness.

Hugs.
 
It's been a slide down from heightened anxiety, stress, hurt and confusion since I last wrote. I have been tending to myself these days. I find myself mostly in bed watching shows and avoiding everything. Its been heavenly, actually. I have no burlesque shows coming up, minimal social engagements and quit the choir. I have only seen Derby, Brad, PN and Mono. Work people while at work. The occasional poly function that I host. That's it. Nothing else has drawn me out into the world.

It seems that the "trying it out" for Mono is over, for now. It doesn't seem to have worked out to date people secretly without my consent. He says it's too much work. I don't know if he still would be carrying on seeing the other women if they had either been more interesting or hadn't decided they were interested in him. I am trying to believe that he is now working on other areas of his life and the moment of need for control is over. He certainly seems to be interested in other things now that he has lots of time, free from work, to ride, read, watch shows and do as he pleases. He has lots of time to see other women too, but it seems to be not as much of an interest. Of course, I have no idea, just his word on it. That doesn't mean much these days.

I have been doing a shitload of work on myself lately, including reading Tara Brach's book "Radical Acceptance" (thanks for the reminder River) and Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection." Mono is reading that one too. Both have been really good to read together. They have helped. I'm actually reading! I have been to a seminar that helped. I've done rituals, journaling, and spent a great deal of time allowing myself time to think. All this has lead to one or two things. Living in the moment is important. Not taking the past into the future is part of that and. It's important for me to ground myself in my own life and concentrate on what I want out of life, before anyone else has a say.

How my new take on life will affect my relationships remains to be seen. I used to be the one that made the plans and kept up with everyone so that we could be together. I am not doing that. I don't know what happens when I don't. It should be interesting.

It seems that everyone is doing their own thing and moving on to make plans without me. There have been lots of activities I know nothing about and lots of socializing that doesn't involve me. At first, I was a bit scared and sad about that. But I really don't feel anything anymore now. More than ever, I am fine with what others do and plan without me. Sure, I'd like to know, so that I could feel connected and like I am important enough to them that they WANT to tell me what goes on in their lives, but I am not attached to it like before. I find it much easier to shrug it off and find my own things to do and work towards. It will all work out.
 
Hugs!

For me, between ages 38 and 43+, there were huge changes in re-evaluating who I am and what I can handle/live with. I feel like everything has gone from one extreme to the other and back again a few times, and is only now starting to settle someplace in between. Instead of mid-life "crisis," I think a better term is mid-life "chaos." Kids are becoming more independent, my body doesn't work quite as well, there's work stress, etc.

I did the whole "I don't give a shit" and distanced myself from those around me for a while. It helped! I was able to step back and see where I was being overly sensitive, demanding and unfair to others. It gave me time to wrap my head around how to NOT be bothered by certain behaviors, that previously were incredibly hurtful. I am now in the process of slowly re-building a better relationship with those I had pulled away from.

My heart goes out to you.
 
Wow. So many similarities! I just read a book by Pema Chodron. I will look up the title. I spent most of Dec and this month "in my own little hidey hole". Watching educational movies with the kids, doing homework, finished a king size bed crocheted afgan for myself. No social engagements, lots of reading. No facebook and no poly groups.
The world circles around me. Sometimes I feel left out. But mostly I feel relieved. The best "side effect" has been the lack of angst over Maca's stuff.

Keep focusing on u RP!!
 
Instead of mid-life "crisis", I think a better term is mid-life "chaos".
Brene Brown calls it midlife "unravel." Mono pointed that out to me from her book and said that he felt as if he'd unraveled. Then he said that he felt he was flailing around in the wind (not his words, but I think the imagery matches). This he said a month after saying he felt tethered by his relationship life. Chaos. Yes. That would describe it. Chaos and confusion.

Fortunately things have settled greatly for him, it seems. I continue to torture myself with reminders that lead me to remember that I create my own safety in life. I am responsible for what keeps me emotionally safe. Not out of the woods yet, but with every conversation and every bit of work I do on me, I am getting there. Somewhere.
 
I think PN has read that book. LR. I will ask him. Chances are it's in his library.

Good idea putting away the social networking and technology. I did that this weekend with Mono. We went to my parents' island place and decided that there would be no phones and we would only use the netbook to hook up to the big screen to watch shows online.

Mono's phone traumatizes me now. Every time it beeps or he picks it up I have anxiety. I force myself to really look at that and pay attention to ways to talk myself down. Having him all to myself, without texts, emails, and messages was more helpful to my healing than I thought it would be. I have become anti-phone over one weekend. I was before, but now more than ever.

We spent the weekend chainsawing, chopping and staking wood for my parents, went out for every meal, met up with a poly woman we met at a Christmas party who lives there, went to the stores in the village, had numerous delicious coffees, lots of sex, read, and stared out the window. It was heavenly.

We came home and yesterday had a refreshing conversation about our future and what we are thinking it will be. We are fine. It will be fine. I am confident in "us" again. Cautiously optimistic. I will be fine.
 
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Last winter Maca's phone beeping was enough to send me into a full-scale, medication required, anxiety attack (including asthma attack). :(
It was a nightmare.

We created agreements that made certain areas of the house no-cell and time frames (our dates) no cell. That made a huge huge difference. Because if his phone was going to be in use-but I wasn't up to it-I could go to a "no cell" room and get away from it. Also-I didn't have to worry about the phone going off in bed, in the shower, on our date etc and ruining a bonding opportunity.
 
Also really glad to hear that life is feeling more stable and comfortable for you, RP.

And thanks for the introduction to Brene Brown; I hadn't heard of her before you mentioned her, but have been looking at her most recent book and finding it interesting.
 
Life carries on. I am so in love with myself right now. I am LOVING the time I have created to do nothing but bond with myself. Every moment has become a "me" moment, whether I am with someone or not.

Self love really does pull a person through. It's just a matter of stopping; grounding in my body; turning my focus on me and acting from a place that nurtures me and no one else. It's kept me somewhat separate from people I am with, but in that separateness I have found wholeness, love and closeness with my self. I have found energy to give again and still have something left for me.

This feeling is fresh and it's fragile. Some incidents have knocked me off course back into paranoia, doubt, depression and fear about Mono and others. But I have managed to address them right away. In doing so, I have gained composure by being given reassurance. Without reassurance I don't think I could've found composure again though, and that is where I need to work. I need to be able to refocus and find my ground without any help from anyone. I wasn't given reassurance from Mono these last months and I want to be sure if I ever find myself in a situation where I ask for that again and don't get it, that I can be safe and secure for myself and by myself.

I've spent time catching up with my loves this last week. All of them are so lovely and I love them. :) My heart feels warm and grateful. It's at peace again, for now.
 
I've been chatting with my highschool sweetheart lately. He looked me up and asked if we could talk about poly, as he and his wife had opened their relationship up about a year ago. It's been a few weeks of chatting online and the occasional Skype. I'm really enjoying the connection we are building again. It just seems like yesterday that we talked.

The timing of his presence in my life is uncanny. He started off by telling me how much he appreciated my being in his life when we were younger, at a time when I was at a low point over Christmas. It has been nice to feel appreciated by him and realize appreciation comes when I least expect it.

He and I have talked about my need to work on being alone and he has given me some really good insight into my past. He reminded me that I used to be okay with people always being around me, and that I am much like him, in that I have always surrounded myself with people that interest me. The difference between now and then is that back then I would replace people who weren't working in my life with ease and without concern. He said there was always someone waiting in the wings to be around and replace the person leaving my life.

He was confused about why I would be preparing and trying to be alone when he thinks I am the sort of person who will never be alone. He said he can not see a reason I would ever be an unattractive friend to others. I will never be alone because he thinks people like to be around me.

Its all made me reassess why I would need to work on being alone. I think it's a matter of loving myself more, feeling the same way about myself as others do who like to be around me. I used to, during the time I knew my ex, be able to be around others and not use up all my energy. I used to keep some of me for myself, instead of giving away everything.

I've forgotten how to hold back and save something for later. I'm getting there, though. I'm aware of the line now, and with my ex's help, I'm beginning to remember how much I loved to be with people and am not feeling as resentful and fearful of it. I'm beginning to be RP in a group of people, rather than becoming that group and morphing into it, if that makes sense.
 
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