Redpepper's journey

We just put LB's guinea pig, Wheekers Pistachio down. :( He wasn't eating and I was syringing water and mashed up pellets into him. The vet said his teeth weren't doing their job any more and that he was actually a very old little man. So LB and I decided to say goodbye. LB and I stayed home today from school and work so as to deal with our sadness. We brought him home from the SPCA (society for the prevention of cruelty to animals) as our guinea pig and it feels good that it was us that took him to say goodbye.

It amazes me how the affect of one small animal can change a person. I had a rat I loved just as much and several cats, dogs and other small animals that didn't effect my life as much. When my big brown tabby Trevor goes, I will be devastated, yet not so much if my tortoiseshell cat (now Dave's), Georgia goes. I love them, don't get me wrong, but some pets hold special places in my heart and I am deeply connected with them on a soul level.

So it goes with people too. Some are huge in terms of presence and influence and others not so much. This has been my reminder so far this last six months. This seems to be what goes around in my head more than anything. Everyone in my life has a place in my heart, yet some move me to believe that our soul purpose in life is to be together. Some are laughter and light. They move around me and through me in joy and fun, others move me to work at what we have. To sink deeply into them and them into me in order to create something profound and beyond the realm of what we know is reality. All of it is worth it.

Strangely enough, I knew that Pistachio and I were connected when I first saw him. His brave little heart was aching for a good home (as were all of our pets' hearts, as they all come from shelters) and I committed to giving him the best. Never was a guinea pig taken care of as well as he. Anyone who knew him will attest to that. I am proud of his care and the home we gave him. He trusted us slowly, but by the end of his life he was eager to be held and snuggled, would lie on his back to be petted, relaxed in our arms and felt completely safe. I want everyone in my life to feel that with me in their life. However big or small. I will keep at it and stay brave even in the face of the pain it sometimes brings.
 
Aww, sorry for your loss, RP. Perhaps you felt close to this pet even more so because you and LB picked him out and brought him home. I remember you once wrote in this thread how you were on the couch and balancing a bunch of stuff, picked up the guinea pig and somehow he peed right into your coffee cup. Hahahaha!

My cat is about 17 years old now. He's crazy but is really feeling his age, moans and groans whenever he tries to get comfortable. He sleeps so soundly he doesn't even wake up until I pet him, when he used to pop up all alert as soon as I walked in the door. I've had him since before his eyes opened (less than 10 days old), when his alley cat mother had abandoned him. He was always a little weirdo, with one of his big fangs much, much longer than the other, not very affectionate, somewhat brain-damaged, I think. But I will miss him when he goes.
 
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Ahhh, your 17 year old sounds like my Trevor, NYCindie. It's such a mixed blessing having pets. :) Thanks for your story about your old guy. What's his name?
 
I had a guinea pig when I was a kid. She dies when I was 17, I was so sad... I remember, I went to pet her, put my hand into her house as I often did, and when I petted her I immediately knew something was wrong. I lifted up her house (I had made it with my dad, out of wood, she had been eating the doorway as she grew so she could fit through) and I saw that she was dead. Her eyes just looked different.

It was so sad, and yet it was a good death, she died old and in her own little house. I'm very sorry for your loss. My guinea pig was an albino, her name was Framboise, which means Raspberry in French.
I still have her ashes in a sweet little box with flowers on it. She was the first pet that was just mine, the other pets were household pets, they were everyone's, and as hard as it was when they died, it wasn't as personal.
Now I have three cats and two dogs, but out of them only one was really my pet, a cat I got when I was 19. I hope she lives a long time, I know I'll be devastated when she dies. Even though she can be so grumpy, and she keeps knocking things off my desk when I'm trying to work :)

You and LB have all my wishes. I know people often brush it off when they hear a pet dies, but it can be a very emotional time and I'm very sorry for you guys.
 
There were a few upsets this week, but things have eased off a bit now that the woman Dave has been interested in has left town for quite some time. First of all, I had a hard time with him coming home late from their last coffee "date" together. He said he was going to grocery shop near the place that they were having coffee and I thought he meant with her. He was late coming home because of it. It turned out that I had apparently got the time wrong. I thought he said "I will be home at 9.30" and he says he said "about 9.30" :rolleyes: I dunno... anyway...

He also got the store name confused and was at the store near our house and not the one near the coffee shop and he was not with her. It took me about a half hour to come down from all that and trust that he was telling me the truth, but I managed to, because he buttered me up and attempted to cuddle into me. He was finally being affectionate and comforting without me having to ask for reassurance, I think because he has given it all a bunch of thinking time and is content to remain friends.

My communication skills were a bit better as I told him how I felt, but later launched into sarcasm and accusations. It's so hard to get it right when I feel threatened, fearful that I am being lied to. I did better than I had so far though, and that was good enough for me. Mono also gave me the feedback that I needed to work on it more.

He is more concerned now that he will lose his friendship with her because I am struggling, than he is about being any closer. I can't help feeling that I am the cause of their sadness around not being able to hang out, text and email all the time. He says they are sad because they hurt me and that I am struggling, but I find it hard to let go of that.

I don't think he got it until recently that his keeping his connection with her a secret could be seen as one-way emotional cheating. He thought that he could keep it in, handle it and that it would all be okay, as long as he didn't act on it. He might be right. I don't know. He didn't realize though, that the way he has been behaving and talking has made this into something big and caused him to reread his old posts here so that he can remember where he has been with the cheating thing. Remind himself about WHY I might be so concerned and troubled over this.

Later this past week I saw a photograph that indicated a computer screen of Mono's that had a stream of emails on it, all from her. There was thread after thread of emails. I was astonished and fell right back again to not trusting him. He never saves emails; he has always erased them all after he responded to the person. Saving hers was, to me, covetous of him. I wondered if it was because he was holding onto words she had said to him privately, or words he had said privately. I remembered back to our emails and how private they were, and envisioned similar messages.

It took me some time to let go of the image and to believe him when he said that it was his work email, not a secret account and that they are not filled with anything but banter and work stuff. I did point out that he usually doesn't save emails and that his behaviour is not that of a "friend." This is when he seemed to realize that I might see his behaviour as "like" cheating.

I got through it more quickly than before, and talked myself down from that place on the ceiling, lump in throat, the floor having fallen below me and that numb "stupid" feeling one gets with these sorts of traumas and threats. I am able to get to a place of trust more easily now than before because I have worked on separating myself from him more. I also did better in my communication and felt I made a little more headway there.

This weekend was a school camping trip I arranged for the kids and families of the school. I got our van on the road, with much help from others. Especially my new friend, who I will now call "Ken," as he is not as "new" as he once was. Ken came to the rescue when I got halfway there and the engine wouldn't turn over. He kindly came and fixed it for me. Derby and I were pleased to be on our way after that. He came out to visit for a fire later in the evening. We have been getting along great after a really great coffee chat last week where we discussed that friendship was all we had right now and how that was enough. He would like more, but I explained that a good friend was what I was missing in life and what I am looking for in him. :)

My dating friend "Brad" and I haven't seen much of each other for a while. We saw each other as families last weekend, but not privately. We are having coffee together this week. We are all going to his place for a family BBQ in a couple of weeks. I miss seeing him, but it turns out that both of us have had some stuff to work through and this time for ourselves has been much needed. We chat every day and phone each other sometimes. It seems to be keeping our relationship in good health, thus far. I wonder what more will come. It will be interesting this weekend, as he is about to meet some people from my past who don't know we are seeing each other. I don't know if they know and don't really care, but it makes me a bit nervous. This community is so small.

Derby has been deep in her emotions lately over a friend of hers. She was working on looking at her emotions and wouldn't you know it? She has had to work hard, as of late. She is consumed with all that is going on for her currently, and I haven't heard too much from her. I have been contacting her every day though, just to remind her that I am here.

Mono and I spent the day at a local music festival yesterday and had a really good time connecting and feeling free with the help of some really good music and beer tasting. :) We seem to be on a good track now and he is helpfully telling me whenever the woman contacts him. It has helped to not have to ask. It sounds silly to want to know, but I think, in time, we will get to the point where I won't care, once I have caught up on what is going on and it all normalizes.

I saw one of her FB messages today and it said what he said it said. I saw it by mistake when I didn't realize he was logged in and I saw her name come up. It was an accident that I admitted to. I didn't read it but could see enough to know the content. Lots of exclamation marks and the use of the term "retard." I am very much against that word being used to describe people, due to my job with people who struggle with developmental and cognitive disabilities, so I could feel myself burning up over it, but pushed that away for the better feeling of "Yay, he isn't lying to me!"

Thinking about a funeral for the guinea pig this week :( Not fun, but we are all getting by. PN admitted that although he was against the little fellow to start with, he loved him and is sad he is gone. LB is just quiet and sad. He had a good weekend with his friends, though, and that has helped a little. It was hard for him to come home to an empty cage and all his things put away. We talk of him often.
 
I think the ceremony will be a good thing. I know some people are against bringing kids around when it comes to death and dying, but honestly in a lot of cases I don't think it does them any favours. It's important to have that time to say goodbye.

And look how far you've come! The spinning has slowed down a bit, I can see that. Sometimes it just takes time and reassurance for an eventual centering of self. I realize I'll need that myself for an upcoming event my SO and I are supposed to be going to.
 
My communication skills were a bit better as I told him how I feel, but later launched into sarcasm and accusing. Its so hard to get it right when I feel threatened, fearful, that I am being lied to... I did better than I have so far though and that was good enough for me.

WOW, this sounds familiar... too familiar. Those damn sarcastic comments just have a mind of their own. :eek:

Mono also gave me the feed back that I needed to work on it more. :eek:

I hate hearing this too.

I don't think he got it until recently that his keeping his connection with her secret could be seen as one way emotional cheating. He thought that he could keep it in, handle it and that it would all be okay as long as he didn't act on it.

This tends to be a typical "guy" thing. When my husband does this, there is a great deal of denial going on also. He doesn't want it to appear a certain way, therefore in his mind it doesn't. He can't understand why all my cheating alarms went off and I'm now an emotional wreck. I am learning to calm myself through my initial outrage, consciously decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and then approach him with my questions as well as calmly tell him that certain actions set off the cheating alarm,etc. It doesn't always work, but when it does, I feel better and he makes a greater effort to be more transparent. I still have a lot of work to do on my delivery :p.
 
The woman is gone now, for a couple of months, and life is getting back to "normal." Having had a chance to regroup, I realize how much I need reassurance constantly, attention to my feelings, touches, eyes on me and gentleness. A bit of "words of affirmation" goes really far with me. Even if it's not completely honest at the time, in terms of the person feeling it. Faking it until you make it would be fine with me... I just don't want to know that is what it is. DADT on "words of affirmation," I guess. I would be able to tell anyway, as I can tell if someone is genuine by the attention to detail they have in our interactions.

Mono is not so good at attention-giving when we are struggling. He cocoons and decides that he will go it alone; almost getting to the point where he decides that it is best for everyone if he just ends everything and leaves because he doesn't want to hurt others or hurt himself any more. This is the exact opposite of what I need, as the vacancy and distance creates more threat and fear for me. It makes me feel like I have no control over my destiny when he thinks like that. Where do I get to share in the decision to be done? How is it he thinks he can decide what and how much is too much for me?

He says that he is going to do what makes him more comfortable and what works for him best. I have to trust and realize that I have to look after myself in these matters and create my own reassurance, etc. I think I did that really well, actually, during these last weeks. Better than in the past. The thing is, it makes me unable to trust him. It makes me distance myself and become cocooned in my own thoughts and self preservation. Then we are supposed to somehow find each other in that? We seem to have done that, however. We are reacquainting ourselves with each other.

PN is off to a music festival this weekend and I have had some time to be with Mono and by myself. I had a bath last night and drank a large martini. It was HEAVENLY. Just heavenly. It felt like a large chunk of weighty worry and baggage fell off and went down the drain with the bathwater.

On Monday morning I will wake up by myself and get to work by myself for the first time in 10 years. LB is going to his grandparents' after I sing tomorrow on a local festival's main stage. I have the night with Mono and then a morning to myself. Ahh...

I watched Derby's bout tonight with my dad, brother, Mono and LB. Her family was there also and we all went and had a bite to eat after. It was a fun night. My dad seemed to enjoy it, which was a surprise to me. He is up for much more than I believe him to be, actually.

I haven't been keeping up here at all; the stories and chat are all too much for me right now. My strength is gone. It's coming back slowly, but I don't want to use it up right now. The woman will be back again and what was boxed up could be brought out again. I'm still working on not worrying about it or being so involved with their connecting with each other. I hope to get to place where the threat of his not telling me stuff is not as big an issue soon. It's coming.
 
RP said

"It amazes me how the affect of one small animal can change a person. I had a rat I loved just as much and several cats, dogs and other small animals that didn't effect my life as much. When my big brown tabby, Trevor goes I will be devistated. Yet not so much if my torteshell cat (now Dave's), Georgia goes. I love them, don't get me wrong, but some pets hold special places in my heart and I am deeply connected with them on a soul level.

So it goes with people to. Some are huge in terms of presence and influence and others not so much. This has been my reminder so far this last six months. This seems to be what goes around in my head more than anything. Everyone in my life has a place in my heart, yet some move me to believe that our soul purpose in life is to be together. Some are laughter and light. They move around me and through me in joy and fun, others move me to work at what we have. To sink deeply into them and them into me in order to create something profound and beyond the realm of what we know is reality. All of it is worth it."

There's a signature line in there someplace. You might consider printing it out and displaying it someplace where you can see it. It's a great reminder.

Good luck
 
There seems to ba a theme lately of people in my life changing. There seems to be death and rebirth everywhere. Wondering where it will place me in the world when the cards fall to the ground.

My relationship with Mono has changed somehow. I don't understand how yet. I love him. Oh boy, do I love him, but I'm annoyed with that somehow. I've been a silly little girl, I think. I naively believed in the monogamous dream with him and it's gone. It was like one last-ditch effort to think that someone could love me and only me. I feel stupid about it.

I feel close to PN at the moment in a steadfast and lasting way. We will have been married 12 years this summer and every moment has been worth it. There is no other that I have run across that would make a more suitable husband. I am really blessed to be married to him.

Derby is encompassed by everything that her name means lately. There is a lot of emotional stuff going on too, that has made it so she needs private thinking time. Lots of change and growth for her as well, maybe?

Brad is becoming a fixture in my life and I am enjoying the buzz of that. We are slowly becoming close and intimate. The pace is just right for me. I lavish it and enjoy every moment. Time apart is hard, but we are not in a rush, so it's worth it to wait.

Ken is becoming a dear friend. I enjoy his company immensely and look forward to a summer of much fun. I think he is disappointed that I don't feel as he does, but really, I see our relationship as something that will grow in time and one that holds much possibility.

I need friends. Doing a tally of how many I have that I spend time with often, there were none. My biggest goal this year is to nurture some good friendships. Hopefully heal some lost ones too.

There are many details in all this that I could share. Many stories wrapped around each person. Perhaps my biggest goal right now is to connect with myself more. When I dwell on each story going on with each person I get consumed with them and not grounded in my own life. For now, it's best to say that everyone who knows me, who reads this, knows where we are, and if they don't, they can reach out and ask. "I am my own primary." This is my mantra.
 
Perhaps my favourite parts of the weekend were going to Brad's house for a BBQ to spend time as a group and get to know each other, making a spot to put my hammock up in the backyard with Ken, going to the local Canada Day celebrations with Mono, PN and LB in the camper van, going to Derby's for an impromptu BBQ and getting all my burlesque stuff.

Brad's wife is a lovely woman with a big heart. She has been welcoming and generous to me and my family. She has gone out of her way to be kind and thoughtful to me and it's making me feel accepted. I had been very nervous about new metamours in my life after the hurt I went through of trying to establish some kind of connection with my last one (Leo's wife). Metamour relationships are the backbone of a good relationship, I find, and I am really pleased that so far, Brad's wife and I seem to be on the same page about that. Both of them are reaching out my loves too. It makes me feel like we can act as a team where Brad is concerned, if need be.

I am enjoying Brad's little boy too. He's a 4 year old little cutie. Unlike LB, he is active, boisterous and eager to involve everyone around him in his adventures. He's a pleasure to be around and I admire how he is being raised. Brad and his wife's parenting style is similar to mine. I think that is partly why.

Canada Day was spent walking around the city taking in activities at various stages around town. They had bands playing, markets to browse through and lots of people watching. Most of the people were bewlidered American tourists taking in our version of celebration of our country's birthday. There were also many teens and 20-somethings boozing it up as night fell and the time for fireworks came close.

In the evening, we headed back to the camper van, where we met PN. We made hotdogs on the stove, and coffee, watched the sun go down and the people heading downtown. We'd parked in a spot near a local attraction, so we went and had a look and ate some ice cream. Mono and PN played hackysack and I joined in for a while. The crowds swarmed around us until it was time to watch the fireworks. After that it took us an hour to get home as we waited for the traffic to die down.

I got myself a burlesque gig for July as I cleaned up my stuff and assessed what I needed to fix and rework. Strange that I haven't looked at it in weeks and right when I went to clean it up I got a message about the gig. I am so excited!

I was sad yesterday as I worked, or more like hurt over the changes that seemed to have come into my life. I am trying to invite change, but the threat of Mono's adventures with having poly feelings is continuing to throw me for a loop. I'm trying to ignore the feeling and deal with it alone, rationally and without emotion. For the most part I'm succeeding, but I feel like I am not quite ready to talk about it, although I feel I must as everyone around me is affected.

To top it off, I felt a bit ripped off on two date nights this week when PN decided to go to a party for most of one, and a movie on his own for another (we couldn't get a sitter). This morning I feel better, but only got a couple of hours of sleep as a result of over-thinking. I took a sick day from work to catch up on sleep. It's rainy here today, so shouldn't be hard to let myself slumber.
 
Mono and I have decided that I am going to work on not being worried I am hurting him by having Brad in my life. He is going to work on not worrying about whether I am happy with him. I am going to work on trusting again. He is going to work on open and honest communication.

We are both trusting our resilience and trusting each others stay-bility. (I made that word up). We both agree that we are life loves that will be supporting and loving each other for a long time to come. That is where we are on the same wavelength, so that is where we shall rest our trust and do our work for now. We're sorting it out! Yay!

Had a walk and tea with Ken yesterday and he told me he is glad that we are friends too. He needs time to figure out where to go next in life and us being friends will be better in the long haul from where we both sit right now. It feels good to have that sorted out a bit more. I feel as if I am resting on trust that we are in a good place.

I'm seeing Brad tonight after some burlesque costuming with some of the ladies. It will be a quick visit I think, as it will be late. His in-laws are coming soon so I am wondering how much we will see of each other.

I think back to a couple of months ago when we first met. Such a lot has happened. He feels so naturally part of my life now.

I am concerned that he has some connections to people I am not on good terms with right now. I am wondering what my role is, if any, in that. He wants me to come to events that he and his wife go to, but I can't because of these people. I am wondering if I should try and make a change there for everyone's sake. Is it my responsibility to do that? I feel as if I would be interrupting them as I don't know where they are at with me. I think they'd prefer I not be in their immediate circle, but Brad would like me to join that group. For now, I am leaving it and just seeing if it becomes necessary. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I would rather put that feeling on my shoulders than expect others to shoulder it for me. Still mulling over what the best thing to do is and have more to talk to him about.
 
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I'm quietly tired and happy tonight after a full and fun weekend.

Mono and I went to visit our old friends from the days of him living on his own, when I first met him. We had a fun night of tequila shots and a good laugh. They wanted us to stay the night, as is customary, but I am glad we didn't, as Saturday was busy and eventful.

We did house stuff and garden stuff until the evening, when Mono and I went to watch the UFC fights at a local pub near our house. PN had a friend over and LB was out, so we all got to do what we wanted.

In the evening I took Mono to a burlesque party for a local starlet who was having a birthday. I felt honoured to have been asked as she is something of a star around here, and besides, I like hanging out with the people that went.

Later we went to the gay bar for dancing and to celebrate pride weekend. Mono and I brought the place down at the end of the night, long after all the others had left. We used to dance there in our early days and it had been a long time. We had some long loving kisses and dancing together and it made me forget all the lack of trust I have been feeling for a time. I felt him loving me strongly and was grateful.

Mono enjoyed being hit on by the men and I enjoyed attention from a cute baby dyke who was so young! Like 20? She obviously couldn't see very clearly in the dark and had had too much to drink. She poured her beer in my shoe when she leaned over to ask me to dance. It made me laugh and remember my youth as a young butchy lesbian back in the day, trying to court the more fem types. Boy, things have changed!

Today we went to the Pride parade and met up with loads of friends and people from my past lesbian days. I love meeting them there every year and re-connecting. We put a blanket down in front of the stage and had lots of visitors. Including Ken and Brad (and his family). They finally met! They seemed to get on okay. Early days yet, but they made an effort to speak with one another and that meant a lot to me. I love them both, but in different ways. I love to see people I love meeting and spending time together.

Derby came and snuggled with me on the blanket after her derby girl parade skating. I was dressed in my burlesque persona and we walked around hand in hand, the derby girl and the burlesquer all smiley and happy to spend some time together. We had a cuddle and talk and some lipstick smearing kissing on the blanket while Mono watched out the corner of his snoozy eye. He had been napping in the sun with a restless LB crawling all over him.

PN took off for what seemed like hours to chat up a woman he likes and to visit a friend. When he came back, we went to a local coffee shop before coming home for a BBQ and a quiet night nursing our sun-soaked selves.

Not bad for a weekend. :) I am happy and feel grounded. Apart from some conversations about phone usage and what is going on for Mono and his connection with his friend (both of which kept me from sleeping. I just don't sleep now when the whole topic comes up), the weekend was virtually process-free for the first time in ages. For almost two solid days, I had no discussion or process to go through with any of my loves. Surprising and a welcome break. :) I am sure that trend will end shortly. It always does. More loves, more process, that's just how it is.
 
This years Poly Family camp seems to have been a huge success. I hosted, along with other volunteers, and as a team we did a really good job. It was probably the most successful event I have been involved in to date. I am so proud and pleased with the result. There wasere about 50 people there, including kids. We took over a group site at a local provincial park on a lake. It was private, close to the beach and was big enough for all. It would've worked better if it was bigger, but next year we are thinking of taking over some neighboring sites for those who prefer to not live so communally.

The best parts of camp were the coffee every morning. BIG thanks to the coffee fairy! ;) Without coffee in the morning, I am hooped. I also enjoyed adults and kids alike dressing up and doing a variety show. The kids played with the numerous costumes all day and did their own skit. I loved watching the Nerf wars and water play go on between the kids and adults. The light-up bubble guns at the light dance were beautiful, along with many glow sticks lighting up the lawn and Christmas lights glowing as we danced to alternative dance music and '80s pop. I made a frankenstuffy (chopped up stuffed animals that are then re-sewn), while chatting with the teens and some new adult friends. There were some great touch workshops and writing workshops, a nature walk for the kids, a treasure hunt, a potluck dinner, and much more.

Mono swam about five times on Saturday and took LB along with him. LB told me that him and Mono NEED a Nerf gun and Nerf battle axes. lol He talks about Mono like he's his big brother. :p Mono and PN hacky-sacked for about five hours. Then they were dressed by others in hula skirts when they took a break. After being dressed up they went back to hacking.

I got to spend a night with my Derby love. She brought her own tent and decorated it with a lovely scarf on the ceiling. It was cozy and cuddly in there and we had some fun sexy times. We don't get that time often and I was thrilled she made an effort to create the time and space. It's been a busy spring. We needed it. :)

Ken came along too. He and Derby and I did a variety show skit about them creating a unicorn with magic potions and incantations. I got a whole bottle of glitter poured on my head by Ken that stuck to everyone and everything. You could tell who was close to me all weekend by how much glitter was on them. :D

Brad came out with his wife and their boy for a day. They aren't campers, and their child doesn't sleep at night very well (4 years old) so they didn't stay, but wished they had planned to, as they found some people to talk to and participated in the activities easily. I loved watching Brad and Mono hold up the curtain for the show. I was filled with joy and NRE for both of them. Come to think of it, I was on an NRE high for everyone close to me this weekend. I guess that isn't NRE, it's that constant state of glee, joy and contentment, being with those I love who love me.

When I got home I was tired, happy and sad at the same time. I had some loving time with PN.

Then I went down to spend time with Mono. I crashed. I couldn't seem to get out of my head that Mono was keeping things from me and I refused to cuddle up to him. He went off to bed with a shrug and didn't attempt to adequately tell me that nothing was going on and that he was being truthful about that. After lying awake for some time, I decided to go and talk to him and ask him again. He said there was nothing going on and I told him I would trust that. I asked that next time I suddenly got scared and fearful that something was going on, that he help me reach a place of trust again. Being left is not the best idea on his part and keeps us from connecting again. I need him to reassure me and keep at it until I tell him that I am okay. In the meantime, I will work on changing my thought patterns.

I am left wondering what that was all about. I'd had such a great weekend. But I just plummeted in fear, threat of abandonment and lack of trust. I was proud of how I turned it around fairly quickly and talked myself out of the irrational feelings, but I am left confused and wondering how that happened and how to stop myself next time.
 
I think the timing has to do with having had such a tiring weekend. For me at least tiredness can definitely be a factor that raises unpleasant feelings, even if it is the result of most wonderful time I've had.

The event sounds great, good job! :)
 
Just wrote this to Brad via text:

"My heart is bigger than I am. Unfortunately."
"My brain doesn't have a hope in hell most of the time."

It's been a crazy week. Ken has found himself a girlfriend. A monogamous one. She happens to be my co-worker of 10 years and a close friend. We were at a party a couple of weeks go and I let her know that he would be there and reminded her that he is single. The rest took care of itself.

This friend and I sent our kids to the same day care. She guided me through the early years of raising LB. Half her wardrobe is stuff I've given her that was once mine. We have spoken in depth about poly and I have watched her go through a lot of relationships. I've supported her and she me through some major life journeys.

Last I heard, she would not date a man whose heart is not fully focused on her, who is monogamous. She wouldn't date PN when I once suggested it. At the time, I thought about it afterwards, and realised that it would have been difficult, since I work with her. I don't usually even allow myself to be friends with co-workers, but she and I have always resonated on a different level than most and I have always thought that if we didn't work together, it's likely we would be closer friends. I purposely separate myself from too much emotional entanglement with people at work.

I tried to back away, telling Ken I thought I should not talk to him for awhile. But he isn't budging on trying to work out a friendship right now. I didn't want her to find out he loves me, but I actually think he really doesn't now. I wonder if he ever did. He said things that convinced me to believe him, but I think he loves the notion of something better for himself. He could have that with her, I thought, if I backed away, as kind of a gift from me to their possible future together.

Now I am realising that I am likely being demoted in Ken's eyes. I was a fill-in girlfriend and now a friend. I didn't realise that in making the choice to not date him because he was going through a break-up, that I would end up in pain as I watched him move on. That I would be in pain watching my ecstatic friend.

I chose Brad. I chose the four I am close to. There is no time for more. I felt I had to go with what looked like the best option. Ken needed more than I could give. My love for Brad has grown into something that works. I have four already, but my heart is bigger than the universe, it feels like. Time and other things get in the way.

Don't get me wrong. I knew this day would come. I practised what I would make my brain think. I sat in those feelings and decided that the ones I was forcing myself to sit in were appropriate and healthy for all of us. In the meantime we grew closer. Physically we didn't get closer, but we did mentally, and my heart followed suit. I was proud of the fact I had a plan to search out the feeling of a friend, seeing two friends happy together. I will find that again inside me and grasp on as hard as I can.

I need time now. It's all happened so fast. I need time to heal again. This seems to be a year of that kind of rollercoaster. I'm exhausted through lack of sleep and "fucked heart" syndrome (as I said to Brad).

Mono doesn't get it. I don't really want to involve him in any of this anyway as I feel he judges me. (My perception, he says he's confused.) The last time I went through hurt he went elsewhere for attention. That is still too fresh right now to trust he won't do that again.

PN listens, as does Derby. They pass on what they know from their infinite wisdom. I piece it all together as best I can.

Tonight I am meeting up with Ken for a mock break-up to our mock love affair. Perhaps things will be clearer after that and after a weekend away from work for me, a weekend for him to indulge in his new love.
 
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