Redpepper's journey

I'm so sorry Redpepper. That really, really sucks. It almost seems like he was just looking for an excuse. That just seems really flimsy and I'm sorry that you had to go through that after everything else that you've gone through with Leo. :(
 
:( that's horrible. It sounds like you acted ethically in regards to this coffee date and his reaction seems disproportionate. I'm sorry that he and his wife aren't being considerate of your feelings in this.
 
Well, he has read all of this here too apparently. It seems I am not as "private" as I thought I was. I have painted a rather bad picture of myself in this entire relationship on here, if it comes from the perspective of the people involved, and I totally understand why he would be done with me. It seems my suspicions about his wife hating me have been correct all along, too.

I doubt I will ever come out clean in this one and I am not going to try. Once someone has gone down that path of hating someone, it's usually a done deal.

Thanks for the support and votes of confidence, though. :)
 
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I appreciate all the comments but if people could write in private I would appreciate it. I am not talking about this any further here. :) Thank you for understanding.

BrigidsDaughter, you will have mail in a sec.
 
Be ahead of all parting, as if it had already happened,
like winter, which even now is passing.
For beneath the winter is a winter so endless
that to survive it at all is a triumph of the heart.

Climb praising as you return to connection.
Here among the disappearing, in the realm of the transient,
be a ringing glass that shatters as it rings.

Be. And know as well the need to not be:
let that ground of all that changes
bring you to completion now.
~ Rilke


My friend sent this to me today and it seems to fit right now.
.....
It's taken a few days, but things have settled somewhat in the break-up I am going through. I have lots to say and lots to process, but I will leave that for now and wait. I don't see how talking anymore will change anything or make the outcome different. I guess I could pass on what I think on all this, but really, what would be gained? When it's done, its done. I have learned all there is to learn and seen all I need to see.

Anything I say will be used against me, so I am left feeling like there is nowhere to talk about this stuff now, no safe place. If anyone knows of an option, please let me know via PM.
 
Thanks for the thought, nycindie. I will keep the idea in mind. Right now though, I think I will write off-forum and see how I feel. I don't really need any validation or advice. Support is nice, though. Thanks for that.

I feel rather battered at this point and know that Leo does too. I don't want any more of that for either of us. I will say that there is a lot I have heard in the past few days that I am left feeling bruised about, a lot of accusations and opinions about my personal character. This is what I mean when I say that it will be used against me, and I really can't take any more of that. I have done my best to not say anything in return, but was asked recently to explain myself and why I wrote here about what was going on for me and replied. Hopefully it has helped some, but I am left with the rest, and it is for me to deal with on my own, I think.

I agree with most of what I has been said about me, but the context to which I agree with it is different than it was said to me. It's been interesting to "see" myself from the eyes of another. A learning experience. I have been told and know from experience that what has been said about me also makes me a person people cherish, and love too. I know what I have said here has helped other sort out their own thoughts and has been a source of inspiration and learning, especially the stuff about non-sexual relationships. I have had that feedback and it makes me feel like I can carry on here. I will be carrying on here.

It's just that my personality did not blend well with people like Leo and his wife. I am a totally different kind of person. Sure, we all have the same basic needs in relationships, but it's not enough to say that. It needs investigating and understanding. Acceptance is not enough. When there is understanding between two people, then a relationship works as a kind of partnership. I was never a partner to Leo. If there is no understanding, then it doesn't work.

It seems that love is not enough. No big surprise there, but I thought I could trick it. :eek: I seem to have tricked it with Mono, so.....
 
HUGS!

Its just that my personality did not blend well with people like Leo and his wife. I am a totally different kind of person.

This is so hard to accept sometimes, especially when you have bent over backwards and gone out of your way to try and make it work, it just sucks.

It seems that love is not enough. No big surprise there, but I thought I could trick it. I seem to have tricked it with Mono, soooo.....

I don't believe you tricked it with Mono... You both made a conscious effort to put in the work to become partners. Oh, well maybe you dangled the reward out in front of him and he knew you were worth it - smart boy! :D.
 
I am in the process of reading every post I have made from December 2010 to now to see where the validity is in the things I have been accused of. So far the actual writing out of my thoughts and concerns is the only thing I can see. This very thread is a concern and threat, I have been told.

I am cutting and pasting everything into a document that I will go through and write about each point. After that I am going to read my whole blog and write an index it on the first post. (I have the mod power to do that. I hope the boys don't mind.) I thought it might be helpful to anyone wanting to read it as there are pages and pages of writing all mixed together. So if anyone wants to read here and find stuff, they will be able to more easily. Everything about everyone, every thought and every event will be page numbered as best as I can.

I am quite excited about this, as this whole thread is about my life and where I have been. It has been quite a ride the last few years and I think going over it all is going to be significant. Besides, if anyone ever wants to use this blog against me again, I will know what it says and where to find the posts.

There is a lot that has been made clear to me in reading my blog and I have only read a few months. I don't see any point right now in writing here about my realizations thus far. I am not interested in creating more fuel for a fire that I am not responsible for.

Perhaps this exercise seems ludicrous, but I am who I am. I love getting to the bottom of my shit, diligently and thoroughly. I am a processor who takes her time. I love relationship dynamics; it is my passion. What better person to pick apart than myself? We shall see if I get this done! :)
 
Hang tough, baby. You guys are both going through something big. You will get through this. I hope Leo is OK, as well. Strange days, for sure. :(

I love you.
 
Sorry to hear about the tumbling down of that relationship. I hope you don't spend too much time dissecting and blaming yourself though. I find I get much more out of dissecting the situation as a whole, and my reactions to it, and decisions I made while in it.

Everyone else is responsible for their feelings and how they want to deal in the aftermath. Don't shoulder any of it.
 
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