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Old 07-04-2020, 07:35 PM
bunni522 bunni522 is offline
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Default New relationship.. shes pregnant

Hi!

I am coming here while I process some information and what has been happening with life and hopefully some different view points and advice if any.

I am in a situation with a woman, Dee. (If she ever gets on this site she will probably instantly know it's me making this post btw, if so.. hi Dee! <3)

So, some of you may have recalled my post where I (and my hubby Mr. J) have come out as poly on social media.. basically to everybody we know, save for our parents.

Right now Mr. J and I have both been actively searching for new partners. Our configuration is, to put it in the best words I can, VV. Rather, he is looking for a girlfriend. I am looking for a (separate) girlfriend. We are open to having the same girlfriend, if that ever were to come up in the event that he has a girlfriend that at some point is interested in a relationship with me, or if I have a girlfriend that is interested in him. We are not open to being involved directly to other men. I hope my configuration explanation that makes sense!

Anyways, after "coming out", Dee comes in.

So Mr. J has a best friend... that Dee used to date. So I met Dee back a few years ago, it was only once. We had a little kind-of double date in our backyard, little bbq thing.

Since then, we were simply friends on Facebook, we never really interacted with each other much or talked, but we were friendly. She ended up eventually splitting from Mr. J's best friend because she was moving back to a different state.

After I posted my polyamory info for the world, she messaged me on Facebook. She told me (first that she's proud I did that) and said that she had always wondered about me but was too shy to talk to me.

And just like that, things took off. Quickly. We started talking and actually getting acquainted with each other for the first time and we simply just hit it off. We have so much in common, her energy is just amazing.. I have never spoken to a woman that has had this energy for me before in over 10 years. Conversation just never ends with us and maybe it's something natural to each of us but we did start flirting pretty quickly too.

Only a week into talking, we already started talking about the potential for her flying out here or me going to her. We are sending each other packages and letters. We are just. idk.

We haven't established anything like "you are my girlfriend" or anything like that yet because it's of course really soon and we haven't met face-to-face in so long. We both kind of are on the same page that we want to meet and see if we actually click in person, the way that we seem to virtually/from far. Then we can establish how we feel we want to proceed with each other and how far.

Mr. J of course knows about everything and is okay with it. It is by his permission and with his full knowledge that I started talking with her and that I've gotten this far. He is okay with us having a relationship, etc.

Dee has a boyfriend over there with her who likewise is aware of everything and already was okay with her being polyamorous.

The thing is...which you can tell by the title...

She has just told me she's pregnant!

I am going to say this: Mr. J and I share two daughters together, ages 2 and 5. So I'm a mother. Mr. J is a father.

So the way that I have always seen it, when thinking about every configuration I would be okay with etc. for my V, I have always told myself that I would not mind being with a woman that has kids. I have kids, there's no rationalizing that I can expect someone to want to involve themselves with me while I have kids but not be open to others the same way.

I have always told myself as well that I am okay with a woman that is involved with a man. Again... I have a husband. Rationally, she should be allowed to have a husband/bf etc if she wants to also.


So now I guess I'm just deep-processing it. I always told myself that I would be okay with all of this and so far, I AM. Which kind of surprised her. She said that she thinks that it's best if she can fly out here with her bf, but she wants to do it soon because she doesn't want to get too big before she comes, part because of the baby's safety of course and part because she will be shy about her appearance. (which I also won't mind, I've had feelings for pregnant women before.)

She has now taken herself away for the day to give me a little space to think about everything.

It is a lot. It's been only about a week and a half of talking with her, she is still pretty much a stranger. But I'm here now wondering if in the long-run I would be okay being involved with a woman that is bringing new life into the world.

I think about it and in every way, I am finding myself to be okay with her and still want to proceed with her.

But the thing I guess that worries me is this:

In the long-run, eventually, what would we want to do, household-wise? She has already mentioned before that in the long-run, she and her bf can move back here to my city. My family, Mr. J's family and his career hold us down, so it's not feasible for us to go over there but she and her bf don't have too many ties where they are.

But then, if they do move here, then what?

We would start off initially in different households. Mr. J and I have a small apartment with our kids, so even them just coming to visit, we do not have the space for. They would AirBnB most likely. But if they move here, there are two households.

I know many people successfully have relationships for indefinite amounts of time in separate households. But eventually... wouldn't Dee and I want to live together?

I'm not sure about her. But I know eventually, I would want her under the same household as me. I don't know that I could juggle going back-and-forth between 2 households.

But then of course that leaves to question, what about her bf? He is practically a husband to her, especially now with child, he is permanent for her. So now we'd be merging essentially two complete families.

This doesn't sound easy, I know it won't be. I worry about Mr. J because he is not the type of person that would want to live with another man in the household, even if the man is only platonic to us.

Perhaps in the long run he might change his mind about it, but I don't count on it because Mr. J just has this nature about him.

I suppose we could always get some sort of duplex..

--

It's really just the household situation that worries me. Everything else I'm so happy about honestly... I would love to be a part of new life. Mr J and I have already established not wanting any more children for ourselves, but had before said we were open to other's children. So to be a part of it from the beginning I think would be really beautiful. But at the same time I don't want to get involved into her pregnancy if I can't see it through. So, despite not wanting to, I HAVE to think of end-goal future. That's hard to do when it's such a new relationship.


--

Also, I have not yet told Mr. J. I think I want to understand my initial thoughts on it first. I will tell him later this evening. I already know that he is going to say that this is too much and I should back out. The reason I say this is because he has already said I need to slow things down with her and make sure that I know her well before I get too involved. Welp... here we are.

I know if I really want to pursue this though, he will give me a lecture but he will also back me. He will warn me but support my decision. So I want to really just understand, think, get opinions, get experience stories, get advice.. Anything I can get right now, before bringing it to him and before talking to Dee again.

--

Have any of you experienced something like this and made it work? How do you handle the two-household situation?
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2020, 10:07 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I've been in a relationship with Boy for around 7 years. We have never lived together. We briefly discussed it but quickly realized that to have the space for a kid, hubby, and boy to all have their own rooms and some personal space for the guys and the outdoor gardening/animal space I would like... Well, it just isn't realistic. Maybe someday, but we honestly can't imagine the situation arising where we could make it work

And, it's fine. We still do family activities. We still vacation together. We still see each other regularly (now that I live further away, only on weekends but previously 2-3 days a week). I don't think cohabitation is necessary at all for a happy and healthy poly relationship. At some point it becomes exponentially more difficult because of having to balance so many personalities.

I'm glad now that we didn't move in together. I don't think Boy and I would do well sharing a household full time. We do great having our own and helping around as able. I have gotten him a nice little herb garden going and support him/assist with larger projects. He helps with projects at mine. It is great.
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Old 07-05-2020, 06:54 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I think you're going to really struggle with poly if you can't accept the idea that partners can live in different houses/households. And that separate households can be PERMANENT and be perfectly fine, even good!

Even if you figure out a way for you & husband & your kids & her & her boyfriend & their kid(s) to all live in one household...what if your husband gets a girlfriend? What if any of these other people want to also date another person? It's not realistic to imagine that EVERYONE would live together. (Nor would it be fair to think of these living-apart relationships as "less" than the relationships in the "main" household).

You might be able to figure out a way to live NEAR each other. Apartments or condos in the same complex, a duplex or three-family, houses next door to each other, etc.

I think it can often be healthier for the relationships and the individuals in them to have their own spaces/households than to feel like they have to join a big family group.

I would examine why you think you wouldn't be happy unless the relationship progresses to living together. Yes, it can be inconvenient/tiring/annoying to be hauling a travel bag back and forth between houses...but...that's the ONLY problem I can think of with separate households. You might see the person in the other house a little less often than your nesting partner...but typically they use that time to see their own other partner(s), so...that just seems to be how poly works.
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Old 07-05-2020, 11:04 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi bunni,

I think a duplex would be your best bet ... it would sort of be like a compromise between living together and not living together. That way, anytime you needed to see Dee, she would be right next-door.

I think it could be fun for the kids too ... they could share backyards with each other, and play together. I know your husband will have reservations, but this could be fun! Anyway, that's how I see it.

I hope you can work things out,
Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-05-2020, 11:50 PM
bunni522 bunni522 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
I'm glad now that we didn't move in together. I don't think Boy and I would do well sharing a household full time. We do great having our own and helping around as able. I have gotten him a nice little herb garden going and support him/assist with larger projects. He helps with projects at mine. It is great.
AlwaysGrowing, thank you for your words about your experience! They really have made me think about how beautiful living separately can be. Maybe the time apart is needed, to focus energies better. I am so happy to hear that this is working for you for so long, you all are so lucky indeed! <3
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Old 07-06-2020, 12:10 AM
bunni522 bunni522 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
You might see the person in the other house a little less often than your nesting partner...but typically they use that time to see their own other partner(s), so...that just seems to be how poly works.
MeeraReed, thats is a really good point. I suppose when i think about it, i know i'm just a really clingy person and I worry I will have separation anxiety. I know it sounds silly, but thats how i've always been with relationships. When Mr. J used to drop me off at home when we first started dating, I used to cry every time. But you bring up a really great, important point... that time apart will be spent focusing time on our other relationships. I will have Mr. J to go home to. She will have her bf to go home to. I suppose it's not "away time", it's just taking turns with partner-time. I also like your idea about same complexes. It would help give me some peace of mind that she's not too far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I think a duplex would be your best bet ... it would sort of be like a compromise between living together and not living together. That way, anytime you needed to see Dee, she would be right next-door.

I think it could be fun for the kids too ... they could share backyards with each other, and play together. I know your husband will have reservations, but this could be fun! Anyway, that's how I see it.
I really think that would be so beautiful and would be great for the kids! I guess MeeraReed did have a good point however -- what if Mr. J gets a girlfriend who doesn't want to move in with us.. Or Dee or her bf want to add someone.. Dee hasn't shared really if she would want to add someone to her life other than me. But I'm not too familiar with her bf yet and it is possible he might eventually be interested in it.. It would be maybe a difficult adjustment if we are already in a duplex. I suppose if that were to happen, we could just move later if needed?

I guess I think about her pregnancy. As early as it is to be thinking about it. Dee and I have talked very extensively lately about our feelings for each other and we are on the same page that if we do find that right spark in real life, we would want to progress into a relationship.. being girlfriends to each other and going into it for the long-run. And if that happens, I would want to be near her and involved with her pregnancy as much as I can.

But I did end up also talking to Mr. J about it yesterday and he has told me that once her pregnancy does start to progress more, I should back-off a bit. She needs that time to build a deeper-level connection with her bf, pregnancy is an intimate moment for them and I shouldn't take away from that, especially if we are only in the initial dating phases. Which is true, so I worry about that also. I can back away if needed. But she is a clingy person too. I don't think she'd want me to lol.

I suppose we shall take it as it goes!

She is already making plans to visit hopefully in August. She may make the trip with her bf, so despite Mr. J being a little bit of a grouch saying he doesn't want to or need to meet the bf, he has agreed to if it will make me happy and if I think it is important to the relationship I have with Dee. Which I think it is, down the line.
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Old 07-06-2020, 12:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi.

First of all, I'm glad you are enjoying your NRE with Dee. Your excitement spilled over into a very long involved post.

It's fine to start to think about the deeper implications of polyamory, since you have an interest in a specific person.

You're all over the place, because there are so many different topics. Others have merely addressed the "living together" part. But let's break it down. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

Dating- dating is hard, and it can take 2 years of real dating, that is, seeing a local person on a regular basis, irl, warts and all, to really get to know someone.

NRE- new relationship energy- In the first 6-18 months of real irl dating (longer if it's long distance) you can be overwhelmed with the hormonal cocktail of getting to know an attractive stranger. This is not love. It's infatuation. Love comes from going through thick and thin with someone, not just the heady horny rose colored glasses phases that is NRE. Many people move in together, or even get married, during NRE, and come to regret it. Nature depends on NRE to bond a pair to better ensure the survival of offspring. Someone you think is "perfect" for you is putting their best foot forward. You're seeing what you have in common, and downplaying what you don't.

Long distance "dating"- it's the worst kind of dating. It's expensive. It's complicated. It's frustrating. It can cause envy of your partner's local partners. It can limit really being in their world, meeting their friends and family, seeing how they really live.

Meeting metamours- it's not necessary. Many metamours never or barely meet. It can seem icky to hang out too much with a metamour, especially at first. "Needing" to meet your meta, or wanting your partner to meet your new interest, or to meet your new interest's partner(s), etc., can seem odd or intimidating to the metas, like they aren't just dating you, they are being "approved" of, or not, by their new interest's partner.

Pregnancy and kids in poly- another big issue. You have very young children, still in that needy phase. Dee is just newly pregnant. Kids' needs come first. Their parents' needs come second. Any other romantic arrangements take a distant 3rd place.

Covid pandemic- I am not sure what country you're in, but travel is restricted right now. Who wants to be flying shoulder to shoulder on a crowded airplane next to unmasked strangers from around the country, and bringing home their germs to one's own germ pod? Really? And you're all parents of young, vulnerable kids, mere babies. They need healthy living parents. Not to mention, maybe there are grandparents in the mix. Would you expose them to germs from a brand new romantic interest, and her partner, and whoever else they come into contact with, when it's so new and Dee is a virtual stranger to you? Many people who even have local partners haven't been seeing them, when someone is not able to work from home, or is immune compromised, or sees an important older or immune compromised friend or family member regularly.

So. Some things to think about. No way should you be concerned about living near, or with Dee, or with her bf and their kid, yet. There are so many other much urgent and concerning issues to be addressed.

Separation anxiety is a concern. My partner has that, and still struggles with it after us having been together 11 years, and her and her bf have been together 8 years. It's not as simple as, "We're both clingy, so that means we NEED to be together ASAP and make plans in the first week of a long distance relationship to be together forever!!!"


Quote:
Originally Posted by bunni522 View Post
I know i'm just a really clingy person, and I worry I will have separation anxiety. When Mr. J used to drop me off at home when we first started dating, I used to cry every time.

But, I will have Mr. J to go home to. She will have her bf to go home to. I suppose it's not "away time", it's just taking turns with partner-time.
Love is unlimited. Time, money and energy is limited. You have 2 needy kids, and maybe you both work, and schools are closed. When will you fit in a long distance relationship in a pandemic?

Quote:
What if Mr. J gets a girlfriend who doesn't want to move in with us? Or Dee or her bf want to add someone? Dee hasn't shared really if she would want to add someone to her life other than me.
Right. You've only known her ONE WEEK!

You didn't even know she was trying to conceive.


Quote:
I guess I think about her pregnancy. As early as it is to be thinking about it. Dee and I have talked very extensively lately about our feelings for each other... I would want to be near her and involved with her pregnancy as much as I can.

Mr. J told me that once her pregnancy does start to progress more, I should back off a bit. She needs that time to build a deeper level connection with her bf.Pregnancy is an intimate moment for them, and I shouldn't take away from that, especially if we are only in the initial dating phases. Which is true, so I worry about that also.
Mr J is right. He is thinking with his head. You're carried away in NRE. Dee is getting way to deeply involved with you, too fast. Why is she starting a new romantic relationship, right now, when she is just starting a more important one, with a new vulnerable person she is choosing to bring into the world, and will be responsible for for 18-21 years, and hopefully be close to forever?

Quote:
I can back away if needed. But she is a clingy person too. I don't think she'd want me to lol.

I suppose we shall take it as it goes!
Taking it as it goes, as long as you consider all the complications I listed above. I didn't even mention that initial compatibility does not equal long term compatibility. Remember, you barely know her.
Quote:
She is already making plans to visit in August. She may make the trip with her bf, so despite Mr. J being a little bit of a grouch saying he doesn't want to or need to meet the bf, he has agreed to if it will make me happy, and if I think it is important to the relationship I have with Dee. Which I think it is, down the line.
Mr J is not "being a grouch." That's really disrespectful. He has no need to meet Dee actually, much less to meet her bf. If Dee came alone and stayed at a B&B, you could go see her there. You're (thinking about) dating her. He isn't. Her bf isn't dating you or your bf. Why does Mr J need to have either of them at HIS house and watch his wife being all googly eyed? He doesn't need to see that, nor does he need to overhear you 2 having sex, or to wonder who is going to sleep where in HIS house.

I'd recommend not visiting yet, because of the pandemic. I'd recommend a pregnant woman not fly in an airplane.

Calm down. Think things through.
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  #8  
Old 07-06-2020, 07:18 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from bunni522):
Quote:
"I guess I think about her pregnancy. As early as it is to be thinking about it. Dee and I have talked very extensively lately about our feelings for each other and we are on the same page that if we do find that right spark in real life, we would want to progress into a relationship ... being girlfriends to each other and going into it for the long run. And if that happens, I would want to be near her and involved with her pregnancy as much as I can."
There's a book you might want to read, it's called, "Polyamory and Pregnancy," by Jessica Burde. Read it, and ask Dee if she would want to read it too. There's so much to consider with poly and pregnancy ... you need all the help you can get.

Just my thoughts,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-09-2020, 07:38 PM
bunni522 bunni522 is offline
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I dont mean to come off as disrespectful to my partners. Or crazy. I have said many times that I know I am looking too far down the line. But as an anxious, sometimes manic person, this is the way that I think -- I knit-pick and worry about every possible future outcome, because I don't want to get hurt or hurt people in the process. I am here to learn as I go, just as many people are, so to tell me to calm down is in itself disrespectful as well. I have said many times that I know I am thinking way too ahead of myself -- no need to keep telling me the same thing and telling me to slow down. My brain will move as fast as it does. This is the reason I never post on communities and I feel, essentially, alone in life. Every time I share on an LGBT site or poly site about my feelings and relationships, I always get told to calm tf down. So I might as well take my BS feelings elsewhere and go lie in a ditch.

Thank you for the few of you who tried to offer positive advice and read through my all-over-the-place BS. Please continue to do so for others, as your positivity can be the only difference between one side or another to someone that is already on the edge and reaching out to a community as a last resort. For the people that go on people's posts to tell them they are, essentially, wrong -- just consider that you feel how you feel, the OP feels how they do as well -- no need to bash them further and make them feel stupid for even sharing. Your "bluntness" can look like scrutiny, which nobody comes here to feel. This isn't a place for wrong or right. OR at least, I thought it wasn't. I thought it was for support. Thanks for the ride, I think I'm done posting personal things anywhere for anyone for good and I'll just bottle up my emotions and questions for good and eventually do myself in. Farewell.
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Old 07-09-2020, 11:32 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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I'm sorry you were offended by some of the posts. This isn't really a support group. People just give their thoughts and advice. No need to take it personally as nobody here knows you. People post with the best intentions.

If you are feeling suicidal, I urge you to call a suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255
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