Ivy
Member
So, I’m new to polyamory and I think I’m failing at it pretty badly so far. Or maybe associating with the wrong people. Or something.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We were monogamous until about a year ago, when I started dating “E." Unfortunately, E and I had a somewhat messy breakup a little over a month ago.
The breakup itself needed to happen, and we settled that peacefully. We were incompatible on many levels, but most significantly, we had very different personal histories and levels of sexual confidence. E is the type who can walk into a grocery store and come out with a new sexual partner (and probably will, if she’s in the mood). I’m not unattractive, but I could spend six weeks in a bar wearing nothing but lingerie and even the bartender wouldn’t offer me a drink.
E and I had the same circle of friends, and, because of her confidence, she has on-and-off sexual relationships with most of these people. Since our breakup, almost all of them have cut off contact with me, but remain in (very) close contact with her. I can’t help but suspect they’re doing that because they want to maintain their sexual relationships with her. They’re simply applying a cost-benefit analysis, and choosing sides based on it.
To complicate matters, over the years I’ve been attracted to several of these people, but only one ever returned the flirtations, and that was a no-go because I was monogamous at the time. We agreed to remain friends. Ironically, he’s now E’s primary, and was the one who set E and I up to begin with. He’s also told me directly that he’s uncomfortable remaining friends with me in light of the breakup (but at least he was polite and honest about it).
I’m heartbroken over the breakup, but to compound the pain, I’ve lost most of my social supports. My husband’s been tremendously encouraging, but his kind words aren’t helping as much as they should. My sexual confidence has somehow gotten worse, and I’m even skittish about getting nekkid around my husband now. In theory, I’d like to start dating again—my husband thinks this would help my confidence, and I agree, sort of—but the thought is just plain terrifying.
I haven’t had a whole lot of breakups in my life, but especially not poly ones. Is it normal for entire social circles to vanish like this? ‘Cause it really sucks.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We were monogamous until about a year ago, when I started dating “E." Unfortunately, E and I had a somewhat messy breakup a little over a month ago.
The breakup itself needed to happen, and we settled that peacefully. We were incompatible on many levels, but most significantly, we had very different personal histories and levels of sexual confidence. E is the type who can walk into a grocery store and come out with a new sexual partner (and probably will, if she’s in the mood). I’m not unattractive, but I could spend six weeks in a bar wearing nothing but lingerie and even the bartender wouldn’t offer me a drink.
E and I had the same circle of friends, and, because of her confidence, she has on-and-off sexual relationships with most of these people. Since our breakup, almost all of them have cut off contact with me, but remain in (very) close contact with her. I can’t help but suspect they’re doing that because they want to maintain their sexual relationships with her. They’re simply applying a cost-benefit analysis, and choosing sides based on it.
To complicate matters, over the years I’ve been attracted to several of these people, but only one ever returned the flirtations, and that was a no-go because I was monogamous at the time. We agreed to remain friends. Ironically, he’s now E’s primary, and was the one who set E and I up to begin with. He’s also told me directly that he’s uncomfortable remaining friends with me in light of the breakup (but at least he was polite and honest about it).
I’m heartbroken over the breakup, but to compound the pain, I’ve lost most of my social supports. My husband’s been tremendously encouraging, but his kind words aren’t helping as much as they should. My sexual confidence has somehow gotten worse, and I’m even skittish about getting nekkid around my husband now. In theory, I’d like to start dating again—my husband thinks this would help my confidence, and I agree, sort of—but the thought is just plain terrifying.
I haven’t had a whole lot of breakups in my life, but especially not poly ones. Is it normal for entire social circles to vanish like this? ‘Cause it really sucks.