David doesn't have an evil bone in his body. Him telling me all this stuff is solely to use me as a sounding board. His best friend and confidant... I believed I could be objective, but as time has moved on it is clear that I am now being negatively affected as well.
I think that is one of the hardest things for couples to learn to accept when they are used to always being the soundboard for all problems in a 2 person model.
That is is NOT a 2 people thing any more and "autopilot" stuff won't fly here any more.
The telling person might want to TELL, but (Dave + Allison) data does not only belong to David.
The other person (Allison) may not WANT their information shared with whoever without their consent first.
And the receiving person (you)? Sometimes they are too close to it because they are a person INSIDE the system. They don't want to be overloaded with other people problems. What did they do? Nothing! The better listening ear could be someone outside the "ripple effect" zone. That means a person OUTSIDE the system.
I agree that there's the risk for triangulation if everything is coming through one person. Like "David said that Allison said..." or "David said that I said..." If David being a "sloppy hinge" is part of the problem? If he won't change his bad communication habits then you have to keep and enforce your own communication boundaries so you do not get overloaded. That this is stuff you talk about with him freely, this is stuff that also needs the other person's consent first (be it his partner or yours), that this stuff is just not stuff you talk about.
Do NOT be his sounding board about his relationship with Allison. Encourage him to find someone outside the system to talk to.
That why I suggest earlier that you firm up your boundaries. Tell David you have DONE the soundboard thing, you gave your opinion once already.
So he can either move on to taking action or move on to a different sound board person. You do not need to know this chronic play-by-play. All you need to know is his calendar so you know what to do about childcare and his sex health labs so YOUR sex health is up to date.
He could stop making (David + Allison) problems be (David + you) problems. Either talk to Allison herself and work it out or seek help from someone else outside the system or end it with her.
Stop draining you with it, because you do sound tired of it all and wishing it were DONE one way or the other.
But fine, it's not for her! I can't fault her for that...but now the question remains...WHY do they keep doing this to themselves??
Maybe because there are the stages of grief to get through before arriving at "final acceptance." She might be in "bargaining stage" trying to pretend you don't exist so she can keep going with David rather than accept that no... a poly model is not for her. Not even for David. It just goes against her grain.
He might be in his own stages of grief and bargaining like "if I only find the right soundboard...maybe they can tell me how to solve it."
And because sometimes people have to learn the hard way. You can tell then with words all day long, but if they are not "word learners?" They don't hear it.
They might be "experience learners." So they just have to experience the big ol' mess first hand and feel how awful that is. Before they can understand it and decide "No, never again! Nipping it in bud is way better!" Then they become more assertive/willing to end things sooner the next time it happens because they learned from that prior experience.
My other fear is that this blows up with Allison and David has a hard time finding someone else. How do you reconcile with the guilt that you have someone else, but your partner doesn't?
Do you mean you have an EXPECTATION that you and David will at all times have another partner? Could update the expectations to something more realistic.
Do you mean you would REGRET that he'd be in break up mode while you are doing fine in your other relationship? If so, you could express regrets that he's dealing with break up stuff and be supportive in appropriate ways.
But could let go of GUILT -- your relationship skills are
allowed to be different than his relationship skills. You two are different people, at different places on the learning curve, and dating different partners. It's totally different dynamics. Apples and oranges.
Like if this were about cooking skills, would you sit around feeling guilty you can make a good lasagna and he let his chicken go too long and it dried out? Probably not. Different dishes, different cooks, different skill levels. So why get this way about relating skills?
If you see her around, just be "bank teller polite." You probably say "hello, please, and thank you" when you see the bank teller. But you don't hang out with them or go to their birthday parties or call them to chat or anything. Keep it civil but don't go out of your way.
Let them work their stuff out.
IMHO? It doesn't sound good and sounds like it is on the fast track to implosion. Could keep you and kids out of the splash zone and let them learn whatever they need to learn from this experience. Get you in YOUR healing space and let them arrive at theirs whenever it is they want to arrive there.
I know its tough to watch, but you cannot do it for them.
FWIW -- I think you going home to visit for 6 weeks would be a WONDERFUL break for YOU to get away from all this mess!
Galagirl