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Old 02-10-2011, 04:46 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I'm signing off on this one too. Thanks to those who maintained focus on the topic of compromise. I learned a lot. Sorry to those who want it to go somewhere else.

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
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Old 02-10-2011, 05:48 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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If you're signing off Mono, I'm not sure I should even post a reply - ?! But here's my .02 anyway

I hear some discrepency in your posts about Leo -- and of course I don't know the guy, so bear with me on my comments based on a very, very limited scope. Mono says he would trust Leo with RP's heart... but then I read that Leo has mental health issues and a drinking problem. From what I've experienced personally, alcohol only makes mental health problems WORSE, so that would need to be addressed before he could be seen as a healthy, trustworthy person. RP is very wise to back off on pursuing that relationship. It sounds like he has some things to work on, himself. (I struggle with a savior complex so I could see this being incredibly hard to do. But what this man needs is a friend, not a lover, until he gets his head on straight, so I think you are smart. In AA I know they recommend that a sponsor be of the same gender, and this is probably one of the reasons why. Sex can be a great diversion from dealing with substance abuse and addiction issues).

Regarding boundaries and crossing them.... for one thing poly is all about crossing the conventional boundaries of monogamy. So we are already in some wild waters to begin with! It is difficult to decide whether to uphold a boundary or not when you are not clear on the consequences. Is it not???

How can we know what will break a relationship and what will not? Scary.

I do think of that old poem (and Sting song ): "If you love something set it free..." How much can we trust that the person we love will come back to us? I love having the freedom to follow my heart, even when my heart gets me into some places that end up hurting. If my intentions were pure, if I only meant to love, and had no malice in my heart, how can that be so terribly bad?

Just my thoughts...
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Old 02-10-2011, 06:13 PM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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I've been a bit remiss in reading the forum lately, due to my own need to pull back from my tendency to "do too much", but I did want to mention how much I care about you and RP, and your family, Mono, and offer support in the form of a listening ear (you know where to find me). I know only too well the struggle of desire and boundaries, either within a poly relationship or a poly/mono one, having been up close and personal to both.

I don't want to offer any critique here of the way you're both handling this; being local, I can *see* how much love is involved in your interactions and struggle, which perhaps some of the members on this forum can't see.

It's been my experience that a combination of honesty and vulnerability (not sex, not polyamory, not monogamy.. ) is what keeps love thriving. I've watched you grow, and yes, change (!) over the last couple of years into a person who is much more comfortable with his own vulnerability, and I'm not sure you know how much you're admired in our community for this.

(And, just so you know, I LOVE spending time alone in my room; nuthin' wrong with that! )
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:35 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I get what you are saying here I think and that is, instead of pushing the issue by just doing it, when do you come back and say "It's not working?" It's a weird thing to have to say when it is so wrapped up in emotion, connection and confusion on all sides.....

When do you get to say, "um, I can't agree to those boundaries that I thought I could before crossing them...?" When? After you cross them. That is when. At least that is what I see. I think that there needs to be room for that and some lea way...

Does anyone know themselves that well?

One forgets when making boundaries that there are other people in play....

I intuitively feel him as I do others and rise to his need for closeness and delight in that as much as I do other people who are close in my life.
All of what you wrote it meaningful-but to start-I pulled a few things out that caught my eye.

I think many of the "battles" over boundary breaking happen for exactly this reason that you state. We really don't know ourselves well enough to know for sure that we can meet those boundaries unless we've "hit the boundary" and either crossed it-or not.
Unfortunately it sort of makes the idea of boundaries (as many perceive them) silly. Because the idea is to let someone know "I can not handle if you cross THIS line"-they agree, but then they cross the line and say, "I'm sorry, I can't not cross that line.." the first person is already hurt. The damage has already been done.

Makes me wonder if it wouldn't be better to establish boundaries with a somewhat tighter rein than we are comfortable with -which goes against the grain for me. .... I don't know. I think this topic is a huge one....

I too struggle with intuitively feeling the needs of those I love and "automatically" wanting to fulfil them. I find myself slammed against our boundaries often due to this. So I totally get what you are saying about that.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:39 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
I am wondering-within yourself-what is your feeling on what makes a reasonable compromise-not necessarily in looking at this example (which Mono posed to start the thread)-but taking his same questions, using any example in your life?

It seems to me that you have already been struggling to find a compromise regarding Leo-not pertinent to Mono-regarding Leo's life choices, your life choices and the feelings you two share...
I'm wondering if you struggle with the same type of questions in that (and any other) decision as Mono brought up in this thread?
I'm not sure I understand the question here. I really want to as I think it might be helpful... could you try explaining a different way? thanks
I'll try.

Mono started the thread asking a series of questions about compromise and what was (or was not) reasonable.
I was wondering if you could pose the same questions using a different example-instead of the example he used, of the situation in your and he's relationship.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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boundaries, compromise

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