Sailing Solo

OLD= On Line Dating

The situation with Prof is still so up in the air. I am trying to sit back and just let it unfold rather than over analyze. Mr Dom calls me analytical girl, he has only known me for a month and came up with that name on date 2 or 3. Prof has been away for nearly 2 weeks so there haven't been any further discussions. I did make a last minute phone call to him at the airport about Mr Dom wanting to speak to him about borrowing his sub. Prof is insisting on the formal request even though I got somewhat annoyed that he had never really collared me. Prof's excuse was that the opportunity had never come up :cool: So the BD play is on hold till Prof flexes his Dom muscles over Mr Dom. I will try and set up the phone call today. There are not enough emojis in the world to show how much I am rolling my eyes right now, but I am working on this 100% open communication and this is part of it.

I am somewhat disappointed in myself with having 3 partners that are "unavailable." Mr Dom broke up with long term GF 5 days after I met him. He is having a great time being single and no plans of giving up the nonmonogamous life 3 weeks after I told him about it. Jay is still in the family home family until at least the summer and I would not consider him as something much more than an FB anyway. Prof and I are discussing changes that I want one minute and consider unrealistic the next. I am embarrassed by my own indecision.
 
Last edited:
So pardon me if I'm overstepping, but in terms of the BDSM play I know that part of the safety of it are those clear negotiations and boundaries (like the whole no hitting thing). So if he hasn't collared you and you guys haven't negotiated any of that, are you at all concerned that just letting him make up rules about others seeking permission and such might lead to him crossing additional boundaries that will just end up hurting you? I mean, I know that you've said before that you've sort of been avoiding things and giving him a way out, etc. but given that he's crossed big boundaries in the past I guess some of the avoidance and things that he does just make me worry for you. Some of his actions just strike me as very emotionally unhealthy. Be safe and take care of you!
 
Prof is insisting on the formal request even though I got somewhat annoyed that he had never really collared me. Prof's excuse was that the opportunity had never come up :cool: So the BD play is on hold till Prof flexes his Dom muscles over Mr Dom. I will try and set up the phone call today. There are not enough emojis in the world to show how much I am rolling my eyes right now, but I am working on this 100% open communication and this is part of it.
You always criticize yourself so harshly -- as if you're not "doing relationships" right. So you go along with what Prof wants when you really don't want to. Seriously though, if the idea of his request has you rolling your eyes and thinking he's being ridiculous, what good does it do you at all to acquiesce? You never get anything out of that tactic (you've been there before). The pattern has been that you do what you want, go along happily until you are disappointed by something/someone, you beat yourself up and tell yourself you should do things the way he (or whomever - but it's mostly been Prof) wants things done, you try to tolerate it as long as possible, and then you get pissed because you're not happy or satisfied anyway. Lather, rinse, repeat, ad nauseum.

So I think perhaps a better tactic would be to stick to your boundaries and what you want and just find better partners who can live comfortably with how you want things to go.

And, sorry to say, ever since Prof slapped you in the face and then gaslighted you about it, I don't think you can trust him not to put himself first and do something like that again. His issues with you have always been about trying to control you, and now Mr. Dom has to call him for permission - I find that troubling on so many levels.
 
Last edited:
I will try again. maybe some folks got to read the first draft before I deleted it.
I am putting very little thought into things with Prof. He has been away, and I am avoiding all additional thoughts that may be unpleasant. Work and life in general are sucking the being out of me. Kids are healthy and happy which is the most important thing so I shouldn't complain but right now I don't want to expend much thought on Prof. I am guessing things will be discussed tomorrow. I saw him briefly this morning on the way from A to B, I asked about him speaking to Mr Dom tomorrow night, he agreed. Yes, I acquiesce. I fight all day long and I run out of energy. I also want someone to take control for me. I do see that in some ways having my #1 BF also be one of my Doms, is maybe not a good idea.
When Prof and I have fun, we have great fun. I miss that and want it back. I will not play with him again until there is something in writing. He thinks he is clear and I think I am clear; as clear as mud.

Mr Dom asked me to be his girlfriend today. It was pretty funny. He said he got chatting with a lady at the pool and told her all about his recent break up, meeting me and discovering a whole new world of non-monogamy. He said he described me as his new girlfriend and was that ok? Did I want to be his girlfriend? Well, one of them, and he could be one of my boyfriends, my #2 BF.

It did not take 3 years and lengthy discussions of what does GF/BF mean to you. It was like little kids at recess, "Can I share your packet of chips?" "Will you be my girlfriend?" I said yes. It was easy.

He is happy to fit in around Prof, he wants to date up a storm but also see me. He is happy to be "secondary" and has no desire to be primary. He tells me to stop projecting my need for equal onto him. We talked on the phone for over 3 hours today. I had to wait in places with no wifi so had nothing else to do but read email and chat and when we weren't talking we were texting. It's crazy fun. I told him about NRE and he agrees we are very over the top with it all right now but he is enjoying it too.
 
Last edited:
I was on the phone for 3 hours last night with Mr Dom. The total talk time for the day was over 6 hours. I did say last night that yesterday's weird day spent waiting had cut into my work and I got very little done yesterday. He offered to not text at all during the day, I said no :) but I do need to show a little self-restraint.
 
Oh! I meant to wish you a Happy New Year in my last post and somehow left it out, so...

Happy New Year! My wish for everyone here is that 2016 brings us all the relationships that nurture and satisfy us in all possible ways. I hope the new relationship with Mr. Dom keeps meeting your needs!
 
Thanks NYCIndie. I hope the same for you.:D

Mr Dom is great fun.
I keep adding to his open/poly vocabulary and describing possible relationship models. Last night we got into solo-poly. He said he thought that sounded most like my ideal. Fancy that!
He does not want a GF or a committed relationship so soon after his break up. But he wants wants me to be his GF and to commit to spending time with me. :rolleyes: He is very much embracing the idea of ethical non-monogamy after having cheated in previous relationships. His excitement is contagious and I am trying siphon some of it over to Prof.
He is a fellow calendaring fiend and says we should just keep scheduling as much time as I want, he has huge blocks of free time and I don't. He also wants to go do things, we will take a walk and go eat this weekend in between sex sessions. Radical!

He is struggling with the OLD. Last night's date ended in tears, I did predict it would not go well. He was sending out what I described as "vanilla exclusive vibes"on date 1. Ms Vanilla was very surprised when he wouldn't take down his profile and commit on date #2. Steep learning curve, but I am mostly just listening and keeping out of it. He is also surprised that not a bazillion women are emailing Doms on OLD sites.:rolleyes:

I have never talked to anyone like I talk to him and he says he has never been so honest before. It is so fun, hours of fairly serious in depth talk followed by phone sex :D He is asking to be friends until at least January next year, even if we break up. Hahaha. No.
We are exact Myers-Briggs opposites. I have never dated anyone like him, not even sure I have ever met anyone so outgoing, he is a cultural and behavioral shock to my system. It might eventually be too much for me, he loves to talk and my default is to listen, hence the massive amount of phone time. Who even speaks on the phone anymore?
 
Mr Dom is great fun.
I keep adding to his open/poly vocabulary and describing possible relationship models...
He does not want a GF or a committed relationship so soon after his break up. But he wants wants me to be his GF and to commit to spending time with me.

That sounds like a mixed message. I guess he is confused.

He is very much embracing the idea of ethical non-monogamy after having cheated in previous relationships. His excitement is contagious and I am trying siphon some of it over to Prof.

How do you siphon your new bf's excitement or NRE for polyamory and you, over to your established bf with whom you are rather fed up?
He is a fellow calendaring fiend and says we should just keep scheduling as much time as I want, he has huge blocks of free time and I don't. He also wants to go do things, we will take a walk and go eat this weekend in between sex sessions. Radical!

Sarcasm? What's wrong with a walk and dinner? It's winter. Are there other things you'd like to do with him in your limited time? Skiing?

He is struggling with the OLD. Last night's date ended in tears, I did predict it would not go well. He was sending out what I described as "vanilla exclusive vibes"on date 1. Ms Vanilla was very surprised when he wouldn't take down his profile and commit on date #2. Steep learning curve, but I am mostly just listening and keeping out of it.

You've got an interesting situation on your hands, this bf a newbie to poly, but also your experienced Dom. Does it make you feel superior and roll your eyes? Does that not affect your D/s dynamic?
He is also surprised that not a bazillion women are emailing Doms on OLD sites.:rolleyes:

Like that?

I have never talked to anyone like I talk to him and he says he has never been so honest before. It is so fun, hours of fairly serious in depth talk followed by phone sex :D He is asking to be friends until at least January next year, even if we break up. Hahaha. No.

No? Why do you say that and laugh? Why does he ask for you to be his friend for a year whether you break up or not?

We are exact Myers-Briggs opposites. I have never dated anyone like him, not even sure I have ever met anyone so outgoing, he is a cultural and behavioral shock to my system. It might eventually be too much for me, he loves to talk and my default is to listen, hence the massive amount of phone time. Who even speaks on the phone anymore?
 
That sounds like a mixed message. I guess he is confused.

He runs at 5,000 mph. He is currently telling anyone he meets that he is in an open relationship. I have known him for less than a month, he has been single for less than a month. It's nuts. I am telling him to slow down and just enjoy being single. He is a grown man and is choosing to dive in the deep end.


How do you siphon your new bf's excitement or NRE for polyamory and you, over to your established bf with whom you are rather fed up?


I am texting/sexting Prof more, less practical things more fun things. Prof is picking up his game too. It is funny that you pick up on the walking thing as me being not interested or excited by it. I am asking Prof to walk with me and he is. Before I moved out of town I walked everywhere, I miss it and have been trying to up walking.

Sarcasm? What's wrong with a walk and dinner? It's winter. Are there other things you'd like to do with him in your limited time? Skiing?

Mr Dom suggested it like it was a really out-there idea, a unique and rather whacky thing to do; rather than spend the whole day in bed we could go and do something in between sex sessions! It was funny. I suppose I didn't explain it well. My preference is nearly always to go and do something on a date, not just have it be about sex. He was preaching to the crowd. He freely admits to looking for casual sex encounters and BD partners. I was not what he expected and he wants to do normal type relationship activities too, not just sex.

You've got an interesting situation on your hands, this bf a newbie to poly, but also your experienced Dom. Does it make you feel superior and roll your eyes? Does that not affect your D/s dynamic?

No, they are different things. There is a current thread on here about dating newbies, I read it and think I am doing pretty well with it. He says he is enjoying discussing it with me. He admits he is like a kid in the candy shop with a bunch of new ideas. As I said I am mostly listening while he bounces ideas around. He is researching for himself. I have no complaints about the Dom stuff, very hot and sexy. It is progressing at a rate I am comfortable with.

Like that?

He is a newbie to OLD too. So there is poly newbie and OLD newbie. I was rolling my eyes to the OLD stuff. There was more to that story than I posted. There is a lot more to all of it than I post. There is more to what goes on with Prof than I post too.

No? Why do you say that and laugh? Why does he ask for you to be his friend for a year whether you break up or not?
We discussed this tonight. He agreed that friendship post-relationship is contextual. If we break-up for a negative reason then the odds of friendship are low. Why would either of us continue to spend time with a person we don't like or don't respect.

Bottom line is I am having fun, enjoying the wild ride, discovering and exploring. He says he is too. It is all good.
 
Mr Dom did call Prof. The conversation went really well, I heard it all on speaker phone. Mr Dom was impressed by how knowledgeable and professional Prof was, and Prof gave Mr Dom some good ideas and some tips on the local kink scene and BDSM in general. I think Prof was pleasantly surprised by how honest and open Mr Dom was, we didn't rehash the conversation much.
Mr Dom showed me his Fetlife profile today and has added some of the stuff that Prof told him about. Mr Dom really is running with this. He is off on probable play date tonight with a potential sub. I read an email thread that he had going with a Fetlifer which brought up the discussion of labels and definitions. "What does it mean when they use this word here?" He told me he now appreciates and understands why I am so picky about the application of certain words in certain circumstances and why I keep asking for clarification on his use of words.
The discussion with Mr Dom is opening up discussion with Prof who is quite surprised at my new willingness to discuss the tough stuff. Prof said I was so shut down over the past few months that he was very unsure of how things would end up.
I still don't know what I want. I want to stay with Prof. Unsure of what that will look like.
 
Deep breath...
ProfandIareclosingourrelationshipforawhile.

Things with Mr Dom continue to be hilarious, intense and NRE filled. We are on a deadline so agreed to have a relationship on steroids. We speak on the phone for hours at night, text endlessly and he is driving to meet me for any window I have that is a minimum of 1.5 hours. There is no way it is sustainable, we both know it, so we are packing it all in. My classwork has suffered, it is hard to say about work, I am not working in bed at night, so email replies are shorter or non-existant. It is probably a good thing to work on some life/work balance and live more life which is mostly being dommed by Mr Dom and talking to him.:D I have shown the ways of the Restraint, he is loving it.

The openness with which I talk to Mr Dom has rubbed off on how I talk to Prof. It has come to light that the damage done to me while being second-class secondary scum while he was with Ms Text, has made a lasting impression of my willingness to discuss some topics with him. Even since then some of his behavior and ways of sharing other partner information has been unnerving and distressing. Mr Dom and I chat about other partners a lot. He is working on rebuilding and reconnecting with some previous partners in addition to finding some new ones. I have no issues or problems with it. We talk scheduling. Ms Doc is this night, Ms Sub is that night, when are you seeing Prof? Jay talks about his wife, Kip talked about his. I do mostly fine with it all (not Kip taking the wife on my dream trip, I was envious of that for sure). Ms Music getting a vacation week, that stung but was more about the communication than anything else. And when I am not fine I speak up.

I see Prof gets jealous but denies it. Moving forward things have to change. I am done, done, done with the existing communication and relationship style.
I went out to look for a whole different person, monogamous, commited. I found the same type of thing I already had. Mr Dom does not want a full-on boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, though we do call each other that ;) for fun.
I have been loooking at myself pretty closely. Prof seems to have been doing it too. The regular GFs breaking up with him was a bit of a shock. My avoidance of the tough topics and commitmentphobia isn't doing me any good.
Prof tells me that I accept him as he is. That is my definition of love ( today's definition ). Can you let me be who I am and enjoy that person and spank my ass regularly?

I continue to be amazed that Jay still messages me. I gently guided him to the conclusion that the planner and non-planner combination is not going work. He wants to fuck. I want to fuck and chat and laugh on a schedule :D
 
Hey, you actually sound like you are in a good place, but I am a little confused. It seems like you are still seeing and having lots of fun with Mr. Dom and Jay, which sounds great and really the only issue is managing your time, so what do you mean when you say your relationship with Prof is closing? Do you mean you and Prof are going to be monogamous ("closed" to others) or that the relationship is on hold ("closing" as in "shutting down")? If it's that you're going mono, I wonder how you can give up Mr. Dom who seems to be so very compatible with you and you enjoy each other a lot. If it's that you are not going to get together with Prof for a while, I think that would be very healthy because he does seem to pressure you and cause you to doubt and criticize yourself an awful lot of the time. Time away from that, building experiences with other guys even if there is no mono or longterm commitment with them, seems to me like it would be a breath of fresh air in your life.
 
Last edited:
Part 1

Closing down the other relationships.
Jay is easy. He doesn't want to talk, text or email, he just wants to fuck and maybe have a pint first. He initiates texts about 24 hours before he wants to meet, doesn't actually ask to meet, puts out a feeler and drops heavy hints. We are going in circle with the communication, effort, and scheduling. He clearly states he won't schedule and we are therefore incompatible. I agree. He disappears for 3-4 days then pops up and hints that he'd like to see me on that particular night. He sent me a list the other week of all the things was doing that meant he couldn't schedule a day and time to see me. Cooking was on the list. Cooking?! Not freaking Master chef. he doesn't want to plan. His kids are asleep by 9. I offered to get a sitter on multiple occasions so we can go do things, his reply is he doesn't want to plan.
At this point I think it is funny. It is time for him to start offering cash for services.

I had 2 work related deaths in the past week, my previous job. One not surprising , one a real shock. I shouldn't be surprised by any of them by this point but I was. My previous job in a different city.
Prof has been working to get a new business set up in that city, lawyers, council meetings, all kinds of effort. I managed to fake support for a couple of days. Then, Wednesday night, it didn't all come out, it slowly trickled down my face. I told him that I cannot take any more deaths from there and I don't want him to open a business there. He told me I have PTSD and agreed not to. Mr Dom is in the medical field. He said I have PTSD too, and ongoing trauma in the workplace. 4 work related deaths in the past 12 months, but it is not just work, right, it is caring for those individuals. No wonder I am a bit nuts.
So all that equals Jay being so far disconnected from my life that I have no interest in making any more effort with him. Face it, girl! He is just not that into you!
Mr Dom was been following the situation with Prof from date #2. He is fine with me closing things down. He wants to explore singledom, kink and bdsm.

I am madly in love with Mr Dom and he is madly in love with me too. Mad being the operative word.

He had 2 dates with Ms Pof. On the second one she asked him to take down his profile and said it was love at first sight for her. She had tears and a meltdown over dinner when he said no. She was that "in love" after 48 hours.

I want to do that. Meet someone and be in love after 2 days, talk, text and stay up too late. Declare "I love you," and be boyfriend/girlfriend after 2 weeks. No heartfelt discussions on what it all means.
Mr Dom and I are doing that. Crazy love. NRE over the top emotions and feelings. It is all being done with the protection of an end date. We only have to sustain it for 2 more weeks. We couldn't keep it up for much longer. :D It is like a summer romance but happening in winter.

It all seems disjointed but it is building into a bigger picture of how I use downtime intensity to help me maintain resiliency in the rest of my life.

Prof says I started losing it after our summer trip. He wants to know what was the trigger for me. I said the communication while he was on the trip with Ms Music. I think it was the suicide of my co-worker. She was my mentee too. I left my other job to get away from the deaths and experienced another one in my new job. There was another as well. I tried to change my life in big ways, moved house, new job but the deaths still continue. Next thing to change is relationships, distract from the loses. I want to be monogamous. I do not want to hear about unhappy girlfriends and how they hate that I get more, what they want, and so on. I simply cannot take on any more sadness. I don't want to hear about it.
 
Part 2
My down time needs to be filled with things I enjoy, travel, sex, fun texts.
I went looking for monogamy and found Mr Dom. He is letting me be intense and over-the-top and joining in. But it is with a limit for him too. He doesn't want monogamy, doesn't want to be primary, we can both be passionate because it will end. He knew that going in. That I wanted to pursue the monogamy experience.
Prof says he has been watching me crumble and shut down for a while. He has mostly been at a loss for how to help. The gods of timing created an opportunity. All his regular GFs broke up with him and I told him I was pretty much leaving him to pursue a monogamous relationship. I didn't ask him to be monogamous with me. He was hurt by that, very hurt. He decided himself to walk the path with me and for his own reasons that have nothing to do with me. Mr Dom says Prof is madly in love with me and why can't I see it? Because it is too scary.
Mr Dom wants to be my friend afterwards. I said I can do that. Mags' comments gave me food for thought. I worked through a number of conversation with both Prof and Mr Dom on the subject. I don't think I can do the friend who has sex once or twice a year, but I can do the former lover who transitioned into friend.
Things are better.

David Bowie and Alan Rickman. Ziggy Stardust and Severus Snape my fellow INTJ. I was sad about that too.
 
Last edited:
Well I am confused about your thought processes, but that's OK as long as you know what you are doing.

But Bowie and Rickman dying within days of each other, two hugely talented and sexy and not really old men, both from cancer, has thrown me for the past week! Ugh Ugh Ugh
 
Yes, it seems you are making a pretty big decision in the midst of managing your grief and a personal crisis. You want stability after the losses you experienced. Perhaps therapy would also help you deal with all that?

I wish you only the best, though I do have a feeling that monogamy will not appeal to you anymore after a while, especially if the sex with Prof isn't consistently satisfying. I hope things continue to get better with Prof's ED, and especially with his bossiness/control issues. At least, with monogamy, you will have the stability you are seeking while you heal from the traumas and shocks of losing so many people you knew. I really wish you much, much happiness in this new chapter. Down the road, if you want to renegotiate the parameters of your relationship with him back to non-monogamy, or something else, I hope you will be strong enough and clear enough to do that. Please keep us posted (I guess I feel like if you are monogamous, you won't post here anymore and I will miss you if that happens).
 
Last edited:
Please keep us posted (I guess I feel like if you are monogamous, you won't post here anymore and I will miss you if that happens).

I am also sorry for your losses Atlantis, and I hope you are able to get over those traumatic experiences. As a person with PTSD myself, I understand the triggers, but over time you can (if you wish) come to a place to manage the triggers and desensitise them. It's been a long road out of PTSD triggers and fear and I am here in private message if you ever want to talk.

I too hope you won't be gone from the forums as you would be missed from me. Your blog is linked on my favourites, and I love reading it. :) You inspired me to honour myself to be non-monogamous, and to take the first steps and to not be afraid to do it even as a mother. Thank you.
 
Thanks guys. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon unless there is a ban on polyconfused folks.:p Actually, I am not so much poly confused as I am relationship confused and time challenged.
NYC I do crave stability. I know I need therapy. I keep looking at it but can't deal with the co-pays right now.
Starlight: thanks for the kind words. Moms most certainly can do it! I managed it for 4 plus years.
Mags: There is not much logic to the thought processes lately. I have been mostly working with what I feel.
I need to give this thing with Prof a chance. We have set a not-too-far-out date to review and I imagine the discussions will be on-going, the discussions need to be ongoing. Communication needs to change drastically if we open again, and that is it is an option. He straight up asked me not to break up with him, he loves me, loves the kids and said he wants to be around for the future.

The sex is a concern. I like it often, intense and most definitely kinky. Prof is away with a partner this weekend. I would love to know how that works out in the sex department. I have a feeling that I know, but would still like a confirmation. I won't ask though.

Time is the biggest issue. I can't have the relationships that I want in the time that I have, as in, the time that my kids are not around. My BFF asked me to do a girl's weekend away. I have class for another 1.5 years. Mr Dom said he would love to travel with me if we were to see each other again. He said he would want to see me once a week if we stayed together. He would not be happy with less than that, would want overnights and weekends etc. We will have our first and maybe only overnight next week. Prof doesn't want to be less than #1. I have friends and I quite enjoy a bit of time by myself. I have plans for my garden for this year.


The other big realization is letting the kids know that I have 2 boyfriends. I just can't. I thought it would be easy, I would bring my kids up to be open to such things, but there father is an ass and messes with them over me having 1 boyfriend never mind 2. I am openish about being poly at work and with family and friends, but I do not want the ex to know. I don't. I think the kids would handle it just fine, but the ex...I can't put my kids through the that. The oldest one struggles already with the stuff Dad says and they are still young.

I want to be poly/open, I feel like I am but the calendar says I can't do it how I want to do it and I need to stop stretching myself.
 
I can see why you'd want to cut back on dating multiple people with your ex being such an ass. He disses you to the kids for even having one bf? Jerk! Does he have a partner? If so, what a hypocrite. If not... Loser! haha

I have always been poly at heart (and at cunt) but I didn't want to practice it when my kids were young and at home. My ex h/their dad, and I tried it when they were young teens, but I found it way too distracting, expensive, and time consuming. I was a dedicated mother.

So I contented myself with getting crushes on various people, and fantasizing. Until the internet came along... eventually as my marriage circled the drain, I fell in love with someone online, and flirted with a half dozen others, and that gave me the final push to end the marriage, since these people far away gave me more love and affirmation for who I truly was than my husband was able to give me.

Anyway, I digress. I can just affirm you making a choice to Close for a while, just for schedule's sake, and dealing with your PTSD. (Maybe a little sexting on the side with Mr Dom wouldn't hurt though, when you can't see Prof and you're fucking horny!).
 
Back
Top