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Old 04-13-2018, 03:23 AM
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TreeBeard19 TreeBeard19 is offline
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Hey there! Just another poly newb here.

Some background,
My wife (28) and I (28) have known each other since high school. We have now been in a monogamist relationship for 7 years, married for 3. We have two daughters, our oldest who I officially adopted in Feb. is 9, and our youngest is 2.
A few months ago we had a discussion in which we both agreed that things were becoming common place and slightly boring. We tried to "Spice things up" a bit and it was helping but not much. Recently my wife has found another guy who she is becoming interested in. So we opened up the discussion of becoming poly. She has always liked the idea, feeling that as humans we weren't meant to be monogamist. I have never been apposed to it, just hadn't much reason to push into it.
We have brought the other guy into the discussions and he seems to agree with most of our desires and we agree with his as well. I understand the concept of the "Unicorn Hunter" and we are trying to avoid that however we are starting things off more or less hierarchical with my wife and I as the primary and him as the secondary. I like this guy, we get a long, we are actually a lot alike, and so far I trust him.
This weekend we are having him over to stay with us and get to know this relationship we are building a little better and for him and my wife to have a chance to get a little more intimate than they have been so far.
That's about it on the background really. I think. lol

I am here in hopes of finding advice when I need it as well as general conversation with other like minded people. I know that I have a huge change in my path and it will take some work getting used to it and learning to enjoy it as I hope we do.
I would love any advice or discussion you feel to offer up.
Looking forward to being a part of the forum and learning from those that have been a part of this for a longer period than myself.
Thanks everyone!
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Old 04-13-2018, 01:15 PM
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Hi Treebeard - and welcome to the Forum! We have lots of experienced poly folks here who are generally helpful and friendly - with lots of good advice. Please feel free to post specific thoughts and questions to the Poly Relationships Corner or General Poly Discussion sections, both of which are quite active.

Unicorn hunters are usually looking for the hot bi-babe that they can both have sex with and we do occasionally have them introduce themselves onto the forum, usually married couples brand new to the idea of "open marriage" who believe that the hot bi-babe makes perfect sense - without really thinking it through. So your situation does seem a bit different. Aside from the obvious gender reversal, your post does not suggest that you will be sexually involved with him (although perhaps the idea of an MFM threesome at some point down the road may have crossed your mind - relax, you are not alone there) - and you did not go out together to recruit someone - this is someone she developed an interest in.

Most marriages that open up to polyamory (mine included) are heirarchical by pragmatic necessity - there's the kids and the mortgage after all, and of course the security and uncertainty factors involved in opening a marriage. And this may continue to be the case - where the ethical polyamory factor comes into this arrangement is in the way you treat your other partners. So while you may have a house and kids, the other partners should be treated with respect and as equal partners - they should not be treated as "secondary loves" - even if that is the common term. This is the big problem with the unicorn hunters - they most often treat their unicorn girlfriends as a disposable plaything - and not on equal standing with the married couple.

But it sounds like you are probably off to a solid start with her first partner. Most married poly couples do date independently - experience has shown this usually works the best. Do you intend to start dating as well - or are you looking at more of a mono-poly relationship? We have some of those here as well - mine started that way (in actual practice, even in not in agreement).

Best of luck on your new journey! Al
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Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
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Old 04-13-2018, 03:19 PM
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Thanks for the welcome, Al, it was a great welcome.
I truly feel like we already know enough about the poly world to say that we aren't looking for the Unicorn at all. At the current point I'm not jumping for full equality between her partner and myself however is FAR from disposable. I don't however see a major issue with us working toward the equality. I have some long term insecurities, which I'm sure most married couples have when opening up, of being replaced or losing my wife. However just in the short time we have been talking this out with her partner, I have seen a change in our relationship. More discussion than we have had in a long time and her happiness is bringing back a fair amount of playfulness in our day to day as well as more intimacy in bed. I'm very happy that so far him and I seem to have a lot of commonalities to build a friendship with.

I do intend to look for someone to date. In the past my main look into poly has been for the secondary physical relationships so the idea of dating for the emotional end is a new concept to me. I'm down for it though.

My main issue is that I am an over thinking prepper. So We started the discussions and things were good and then I got really anxious and slightly depressive for a day or two. Doesn't help that we are planning a 2000 mile move from Texas to Montana by the end of May. lol
I think I have moved past, for the time being, those insecurities of "losing" my wife. I have down shifted to just rolling with it and handling it as it comes.
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Old 04-13-2018, 07:21 PM
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Greetings TreeBeard19,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are off to a good start toward poly living. One of the things we learn is that people are very unique, what works for one person may be very different from what works for another, and the important thing is that everyone involved consents to the arrangements. So far you've been courteous and considerate towards the new guy, which is awesome, it sounds like he is pretty cool too. You should be able to get any advice you need here, there are many like-minded people here you can talk to. Don't hesitate to post any questions you may have. It's great to have you with us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

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Welcome aboard!
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Old 04-13-2018, 11:15 PM
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So far I think things are moving well. My wife and I both agreed that it might help me to get into this even better if I looked for another partner myself. We were chatting with a friend of ours who also recently started a poly lifestyle who seems interested in having another partner as well. So we started talking about a D/s relationship. Guess we will see how that goes, but I feel like it's going good for a start on all our parts.

Thanks again for the welcome, so far I'm liking the site. It's not another dead forum which is nice. lol
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Old 04-14-2018, 06:54 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TreeBeard19 View Post
\who seems interested in having another partner as well. So we started talking about a D/s relationship.
How do you see those things as simila, or maybe dissimilar?
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Old 04-14-2018, 03:38 PM
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TreeBeard19 TreeBeard19 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
How do you see those things as simila, or maybe dissimilar?
I have a D/s relationship with my wife. D/s is a big part of my relationships, has always been. Our friend has been really interested but it can be surprisingly hard for a girl to find a Dom that is willing to play. Lots of guys that are to afraid of the rough play. So she hasn't had any real experience.

As I said, my original idea of opening our relationship would have been for this type of secondary partner. So to me, this is exactly what I was looking for with potential to grow into more.
Do you not consider D/s to be a true relationship?
I'm not entirely sure I understand what you are asking so hopefully that answered it, if not, define it for me a bit better and I'll try again.
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Old 04-15-2018, 05:14 AM
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Hi TreeBeard, as you are probably aware, BDSM is very common within the sphere of polyamory, although obviously not all poly folks are into kink. I have suspected that the type of open-mindedness required for poly also allows many to investigate BDSM as well, resulting in a substantial correlation.

Ravenscroft's point may have been that a "play partner" is not necessarily synonymous with a poly partner, understanding that poly is usually described as having multiple romantic/loving relationships (with the knowledge and consent of all involved). But maybe I read it wrong as well - Ravenscroft has been known to be occasionally enigmatic - so I will leave it to him to elaborate further.

But, again, it seems to me that you are putting some real thought and effort into your transition to poly. Al
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Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
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My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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Old 04-15-2018, 02:41 PM
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I can understand that completely. However the level of commitment in a BDSM relationship varies greatly between people. In my case, I take my D/s relationships very seriously even if it is only a physical relationship. The bond between a Dom and his sub must be in depth for that relation to exist safely and enjoyably. For instance, my wife wears my collar, and to her and I both the only other thing that rivals my collar is our wedding rings. Now I don't know to what level my seemingly new partner and I will have within a D/s relationship, but essentially we have agreed to begin a D/s and see where it leads to. I have been in the mindset that she is just a friend and off limits that I need to work my way past that habit before I can manage an emotional/romantic relationship. I do understand though that there are a lot of D/s relationships out there that only consist of play and no romance or other emotions like a poly relationship should have. This however is not my idea of a good, prosperous D/s relationship.
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