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  #11  
Old 04-13-2018, 03:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad it helped some.

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  #12  
Old 04-13-2018, 12:14 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deenz View Post
Galagirl
ĎThat's nice. He can want things. You don't have to automatically do them just to please him thoughí
ĎHe could expect "basic polite" should the occassion warrant it is fair. But best friends? Nope. That's not his decision. Who YOU befriend and bring into your inner circle is not up to him.í
True and have said that from the start Iím not interested in a relationship with your partners just because they are your partners.On the other hand I donít think itís fair to say you canít invite X to social gathering at home because I donít want to have more than a passing interaction with them. Not that I have to even then itís more about feeling ignored when that happens.

ĎIs how he handles conflict resolution a deal breaker to you moving in with him?

ĎĎIs hosting gatherings where she comes a dealbreaker to moving in with him? Would it be better to maintain your own space? Ď

...he is better at handling conflict than I am, I have a hard time speaking up for myself and tend to let things stew until what is probably a minor problem gets blown out of proportion, which is why Iím asking for advice on how to approach this.
If you have always been conflict avoidant, this is a perfect opportunity to work on your conflict resolution skills. Polyamory does almost force us to learn how to be better communicators, if we want it to work!

Not only could you learn to speak up for yourself better, politely but clearly and firmly, your bf could be requested to understand this is difficult for you on your learning curve, and be requested to check in with you more often to make sure you're OK and not just burying your discomfort. My nesting partner is also conflict avoidant (and socially awkward sometimes) and sometimes won't speak unless spoken to. I've learned this about her. So I make sure to ask her opinion on things even when she is being quiet. Once I do, she speaks right up!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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  #13  
Old 04-13-2018, 08:32 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Dee,

See http://kimchicuddles.com/image/116304001735 ... it sounds like you are a "parallel poly" type of person, whereas your primary partner is more of a "kitchen table poly" type of person. Neither type is better than the other, it's just that knowing you're different types can be helpful perspective when you're trying to work out a compromise. It sounds like you're willing to put up with a certain amount of his irritating partner, you would just like to feel more included in the conversation. And that's what I would suggest you tell him. "Honey, when I am with you and her, I feel excluded from the conversation. Could you include some conversation that I could participate in?" Something to that effect. Hopefully he would be willing to work with you.

Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #14  
Old 04-13-2018, 09:26 PM
Deenz Deenz is offline
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@magdlyn thanks , Partner is very aware of my conflict avoidance and tries to make it easier for me - he defiant encourages me to speak up and come to him when I’m struggling. It is getting better with time.

@Kevin T to be honest I’d rather have no contact but that’s not possible so yes working with him to make it easier will help. Just need to find the right time to bring it up !
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  #15  
Old 04-13-2018, 10:04 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Knock on wood, you'll find the right time to bring it up soon.
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