Is a diagnosable mental illness a red flag for you?

BlackUnicorn

New member
To answer my own question:

Yes, IF
A the person afflicted has not sought any treatment or kept up with treatment in the last year
B us being together and/or being poly has for the last two years objectively made them worse
C if their condition is very similar to mine, involves a lot of mood swings and shifts in identity
D they are using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate
 
I am typically drawn to people with "issues". I don't know why it is, but I always have been. It should be a red flag, but my nature is to help everyone I can "get better" and even though I'm not at all equipped to do that, I still try.

I'm not really sure what our responses are supposed to be here, but my short answer is "no".
 
Sorta kinda. I'm doing okay-ish (comes and goes, and I handle stress poorly). If whoever I'm with is doing as well as or better than I am, with a decent future outlook, I'll take a chance.

What must be clear is that I won't tolerate certain behaviors no matter the reason. No cheating. No lying. No changing or going off meds on a whim -- I actually discuss med changes with CdM so we're on the same page, and if it's a major change that might affect CdM's partner, she gets to know too. No substance abuse. No acting-out sexually. I will press charges if I find zie is harming me. I will take zim to the hospital for evaluation if zie is a risk to self or others. (If I'm the one at risk/being harmed, the police can help me. Saves on ambulance bills + gas money.)

Fucking up happens, and God knows people with wonky brain chemistry are prone to it. Seen it in myself, seen it in friends, seen it in family. We're therefore responsible for not fucking up, and if that means we have to go an extra mile, so be it. I did it. I do it every day. I'm owed at least that much by whoever I take as a partner.
 
For me: Red flag, yes, yes, YES. Dealbreaker, no.

I see how a person takes care of himself and if there is a visible, earnest effort to manage the illness, and if it is clear I won't be dragged down the rabbit hole with him, then I give him a shot. I have to be careful to know that I won't get sucked into someone else's dramas. Protecting myself doesn't mean I won't be loving and supportive -- I just have to be careful that I don't overextend and deplete myself to do so.
 
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I would have to say no. Runic Wolf and I were only married a couple of years when he was diagnosed. I never thought about leaving him soley based on something he had no control over that was literally thrust upon him as a result of 1 in a million medication side effect. That doesn't mean that it has been easy, but I think I have become a much more self aware and understanding person as a result.

Wendigo goes through occasional periods of melancholy, which I hope will be lessened once the cause of most of his stress the last few years moves out next week. Things are definitely looking up for all of us in many ways, but as I was telling Runic Wolf last night that it is okay to be sad about the parts of our lives that aren't quite what we want. That allowing ourselves to sit in disappointment occasionally does not mean that the depression is winning. It just means that we're human.
 
It might be a red flag for me, depending on the illness.

Someone very close to me is involved with a man who is bi polar. His MEDS have a very adverse effect on him sometimes and he tires of the side effects so he's been known to 'go off' his MEDS.

There have been times when that happens that he is quite deranged, violent.

It's a sad situation as when he is medicated, he's a wonderful man. We just fear that one day that wonderful man will do something he can't take back.

So, I'd be weary of it for sure, based on my own personal experience.
 
Runic Wolf is bi-polar and has been managing w/o meds for 3 years now. He's never been violent on or off meds, so I don't have to worry about that. And his behavior was only an issue when during a manic phase, an ex tried to convince him that he'd never been bi-polar and all his issues were mine and our son's fault. She did manage to get him off his meds, which at the time were necessary because he hadn't fully adjusted to how his brain worked at that point. In the end, she got the boot and we ended up with a better understanding of how each other thing and process and that was over 7 years ago when he was newly diagnosed.
 
Well... in my universe, I'm responsible for looking after my own buckets of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. AND that of my partners so... I'm looking out for mine FIRST when seeking partner. I accept there are partner buckets to tend, but I'd want a reasonable load of bucket sizes!

So it is a red flag AND dealbreaker on romancing. OK for friends.

If it comes to pass later on (ex: Alzheimer in older years) that cannot be helped. But going in fresh? No thanks. Friends, please.

My own family medical history has too many mental health issues and I just cannot bear YET ANOTHER person with something ELSE. My own stress/anxiety just cannot take it.

Dad has anosognosia amid his other stuff. And that's the worst of the lot. The one where he just cannot see that he is sick. It is not denial. The information will not penetrate, ever. We can tell him, show him things from his file, it just will not go IN. It's like that part of his brain processing center is an empty office and nobody works there. If it were someone like dad dating? His very condition makes it so he just cannot see he'd have a pretty major thing to reveal before getting serious.

I have a lot of compassion for those suffering mental health things but I have to obey my own limit on that one -- I'm just too full already for more people in my life with these complications. Sigh. :(

GG
 
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I think the biggest factors are: diagnosed AND actively managing vs those that are in denial or refuse to work with professionals.

We all have issues, physical health, financial, situational, etc that can be just as or sometimes even more stressful than a mental health issue, especially if it's being managed. I don't see it as any more of a red flag than getting involved with someone with physical health issues. I stress again, being aware, and actively managed is the key.
 
Beaker manages her bi-polar disorder and takes responsibility for her health. So it was not a deal breaker for me. However, she knew that if she stopped trying to manage it - as many bi-polar folks do - then that is a dealbreaker for me. It's not having a mental illness but the refusal to cope, to deal, to manage, to take one's meds, if needed - that is my hard limit.

Now if it was a disease that had no treatment or was very difficult to treat, I would be more hesitant to get involved.
 
Thanks for the response! I have a score of hard to manage mental conditions atm, but I been told that they should lessen considerably or disappear entirely after two years.

Another related question; do you think there are some diagnosis that are fads, I.e.suddenly everybody has them?

I've noticed something like this lately with Ad(h)d, autism and borderline personality diagnoses.
 
I think it is possibly like pregnancy. When I was pregnant, the whole WORLD was pregnant. Now that I am not, nobody is.

I think it was my own hyperawareness. :)

But it is also possible that as people in the medical field get more aware themselves, they are better able to dx those with the thing.

So it's not that there is MORE of those things around. Just more dx.

GG
 
I think that for me it's a yellow flag. It's something that needs to be noted and discussed. I am at the stage of my life where I am not looking for something that is drama-laden, which means that I need the folks around me to be fairly consistent in how they react to things. I don't need to feel like it's a crapshoot each time I interact with one of my partners as to how it's going to go, or whether their illness will cause them to possibly violate agreed boundaries.

That having all been said, there are some folks who haven't been diagnosed with anything who I think are far less stable than some of the folks I know that *have* been diagnosed.
 
It's a flag for me, but I go case by case. I have my own shit to deal with, Storm has his own shit to deal with. We as a couple need to be aware of how we react to each other, etc.

For anyone new, it depends on how they cope. If they are responsible for their own actions and behaviors, then I have no issue with it.
 
red flag-yes
deal breaker-no

Our WHOLE family is ADHD.
I have SAD also.

I wouldn't jump into any relationship without ensuring that the person is a good fit for the WHOLE FAMILY. But-that's just me. It's too much of everything for me to manage casual relationships at this point in my life and anything more serious has to be functional for all of us.
 
I wouldn't say red, more like yellow, but not a dealbreaker depending on management and severity. I haven't had much experience dating people with mental illness but I do have, and have had, people in my life affected so I can't say never.
 
Before, I would have never thought so. And I've had a tendency to be drawn to people who have issues (likely because I relate although I haven't been diagnosed with anything).

But. I have started to think about this quite a bit... Thought about how neither of my partners has any mental health problems and how neither of them can really relate on personal level to some stuff that feels normal to me (though they can understand it).... and how it is actually probably a good and healthy for me to have partnerships with healthy people.

So, I don't know if having issues, whether diagnosed or not, is a dealbreaker... maybe it is, or maybe it should be.
 
To me it is 100% about functionality.

I live with one female who has a confirmed diagnosis of DID. The other has a confirmed diagnosis of BPD.

These are pretty serious illnesses, however both my partners are fully functional and able to have loving and lasting relationships, full time jobs, go to school, raise children, etc.... Both have dealt with this through countless years of therapy before and during my time with them.

Things are more stable now for us then they were ever when we were apart.

Granted I am NOT a caretaker and have no desire to be one, but working with and around mental illnesses is doable for me, and having a love who has DID is almost like a poly relationship in itself.
 
Granted I am NOT a caretaker and have no desire to be one, but working with and around mental illnesses is doable for me, and having a love who has DID is almost like a poly relationship in itself.

I think this is partly where I'm coming from, too, when it comes to who I'll get involved with. I don't want to be my partner's second mom. I don't want to be my partner's carer from the start. Adults are responsible for themselves in my world; unless I am family, I have no obligation to fill a familial role. I get to pick who becomes family and who gets my concern and care.

Functionality really is key.
 
No, it wouldn't be for me. Redflags for me are more about things like how someone treats animals, their kids, other partners, their parents, whether or not they learn and grow from their experiences and move foreward from them, how much I find their energy fulfills mine or takes it away from me etc. Sometimes people with mental health issues fit the bill for me, sometimes they don't.
 
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