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Old 09-25-2009, 03:40 PM
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River River is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I know you are leaving the forums for now and I can understand that. I am sure that talking with River will be helpful.

I don't believe JeRY is leaving the forum. We just decided to take some of our conversation into the privacy of personal e-mail, off-forum. He'll be back.

Thanks for your words of appreciation, above.
male, bisexual & biamorous
one male partner, poly, open...
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Old 09-25-2009, 06:14 PM
jryyc1 jryyc1 is offline
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@redpepper: thanks for your kind thoughts. I doubt I'll totally leave the forums...this is a really helpful place!!! River and I are just beginning our offline conversation--he obviously has some huge wisdom on all this; but I do and will continue to value many voices.

Had a lovely visit with my boyfriend last night. Husband seems yet a bit distant today, but I'm realizing this may be the case for a while as he/we process new paradigms, and explore new horizons.

As River said several posts back, we're shining a flashlight into a huge dark space. Hopefully we gradually get more powerful lighting!

A request: do you quickly know of any recommended threads that would be of help to my husband? He's somewhat open to this...needs to, perhaps, hear from other people who are more traditional while their spouses are more desirous of expanding.

And in time, I hope to be in a position to provide support to others via these forums.
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Old 09-25-2009, 06:49 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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weeelllll, glad you aren't gone for good then

I would suggest that you husband look here. There is a lot of info and lots of people that would love to offer support and knowledge of their own. All he needs to do is reach out. No small thing I realize, but is a first step. It might be a good way to begin communicating about the hard stuff.

My ex-girl and I went through a similar situation to yours. It was terrifying to say the least. I thought I was crazy to think I could possibly love and be able to handle more than one relationship and felt terrible for even suggesting it or making her go through the process of getting to that. She is still a huge part of our lives but the relationship has changed and morphed into something new. There is no reason that relationships must end as traditionally monogamous relationships do. I never got that whole thing of severing ties forever. When I love someone it's forever. Change is sometimes good, its a matter of reorganizing. Perhaps if you and your husband can think of it this way it might eleviate the pain....

I remember when Mono came into my life and my husband and I went through that process of adjusting. It was uncomfortable and awkward, but after establishing and checking in (in a dramatic melt down of tears and fear) that we still loved each other and wanted to be together we were able to do the work it took to fit Mono in our lives.

It kind of felt like doing a puzzle actually. We fit the pieces in, adjusted them to see if they would fit, offered them to one another, put aside ones that didn't belong, moved the pieces around and finally came up with, VOILA, a complete puzzle! It feels awesome and so fullfilling to have accomplished this task! I am so proud! I hope that you reach this point and are able to separate emotion from it all in order to begin sorting out the puzzle... you and ESPECIALLY your husband.
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Old 01-20-2012, 01:21 AM
Nathan77 Nathan77 is offline
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Thank you all, especially JeRy and River, for a very meaningful conversation. And it was 2 years ago... and it still is making a difference. -N
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Old 02-07-2013, 10:17 PM
polymiami polymiami is offline
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Default New on the other side

Hello all,

This thread is pretty old and I don't know if any of you are still reading it. I am on the other side of the position referenced in this thread, and I am in a lot of pain. I need some help before I go crazy!

My partner showed me this thread in yet another attempt to be helpful. Quite frankly I don't want his help. And the more I read the angrier I got - a petty anger that I am angry at myself for feeling. Like I said - a lot of anger.

My story is this: We were ostensibly monogamous for years. I was having random encounters at places like the gym and the beach, which I felt intensely guilty about. Last fall we both fell for the same guy. The feelings were not reciprocated and that relationship crashed and burned, but it left my partner and me wondering if either of us wanted to be "monogamous." After that it all came out - we admitted to each other that we were both having random sexual encounters, and I felt so relieved. We started having random quickies with others and three ways, and it was all fun.

Then he met someone at the bathhouse, of all places. I showed up there late and saw them together. The moment I saw the way they were interacting with each other I knew this was more than a hook up. My partner was enamored with him. We ended up having a 3 way and that was that. My partner, however, started dating him. Now, months later, they are in love.

My partner read "The Ethical Slut" which I have also read (mostly.) He has done everything he can to make this easier on me. He has asked for permission and consent for everything. He has showered me with love and attention. Our sex life has never been better. I have no doubt that I am loved.

Intellectually I understand that he is capable of loving us both. I understand that love does not lose meaning when it is not exclusive. I understand that this other guy, whom I genuinely like as a person, poses no threat to me. My partner keeps saying over and over, like a broken record, "I'm never leaving you."

It brings me no comfort. With each passing day I find myself just a little more angry than I was the day before. I feel myself rejecting him. I don't want his comfort. I don't want his platitudes. I don't want anything from him. When we talk about how we feel we both just end up feeling worse than we did before. He feels like he did something wrong, and I feel angry.

I attempt to alleviate his pain by telling him that I consented to all of it, that he did nothing wrong. It's all true - the man has been nothing but caring and compassionate to a point that I know I could never be able to arrive. He has allowed me to cry, to scream, to be cold and resentful, without responding. I give him great credit for that and I am so very grateful. But, sitting here, with him at his boyfriend's house, I am just bitter. Bitter, cold, and afraid that if I stay here my ability to love will just shrivel and die.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be angry. I would do anything to just love him, and he love me, and not be concerned with what happens aside from those wonderful moments. I wish I could just take a deep breathe and exhale this soul-rotting poison that I feel has infested me. But I just cry and cry and cry - not really knowing why. I, too, wander aimlessly through the house, wishing I wasn't so angry that I could punch a hole through the fabric of the universe. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I don't know what I'm angry at. I don't understand my feelings at all. And I feel lost and alone and adrift.

I'm in so much pain.
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Old 02-11-2013, 11:56 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Originally Posted by polymiami View Post
... Bitter, cold, and afraid that if I stay here my ability to love will just shrivel and die.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be angry. I would do anything to just love him, and he love me, and not be concerned with what happens aside from those wonderful moments. I wish I could just take a deep breathe and exhale this soul-rotting poison that I feel has infested me. But I just cry and cry and cry - not really knowing why. I, too, wander aimlessly through the house, wishing I wasn't so angry that I could punch a hole through the fabric of the universe. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I don't know what I'm angry at. I don't understand my feelings at all. And I feel lost and alone and adrift.

I'm in so much pain.
The pain you are feeling, reading your post, is palpable. I am sorry you are hurting.

I watched my husband go through this ... and it was the most terrible time of our lives. I don't know how long this has been going on for you, but for him it was 10 weeks of sheer misery. He didn't know if he could love me any more - which was devastating for him. (On my side, watching him suffer, knowing it was my "fault", was hard - but I felt like any pain that I was feeling was deserved for creating the situation...and I actually never doubted his ability to love me.) In my husband's case his underlying depression was a contributing factor and part of his turn around did involved resuming his anti-depressant medication.

After 10 weeks the clouds did start to part - he was still sad and angry but he was able to talk and process what he was experiencing. To add some insight and perspective to his responses, to reconnect with me and with his best friend (the two people who had hurt and "betrayed" him). 8 weeks (and a series of bizarre circumstances later) and he had broken through and forged on to some "epiphany" - whereby it was now, not only "okay", but right and beautiful that the two people who love and care for him the most also love and care for each other.

I honestly don't know how he did it...but here we are now...two years strong...a "family" of three.

I don't have any words of great wisdom. My husband has never been able to explain the process that took him from despair to compersion. I have some theories - that he had to allow himself to feel what he was feeling, to own it, to wallow in it, and then explore it to learn why and how he felt that way. That after he had experienced all of this he then could take what he had learned and DECIDE that he didn't have to feel that way any longer. He could choose to take all of the "shoulds" and "should nots" and create a new framework for himself (and, hence, for us and our relationship) that would allow him to be happy again (and keep loving me).

Life is a process. We make choices. They have consequences. The cycle continues.

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 02-12-2013, 12:17 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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JQS is right: It has to come from within. I always thought it was bullshit, the notion that I could make myself feel happy when I just felt miserable. Despite different people telling me it was possible to change how I feel, I fought it for years. Eventually, I decided to just try it. I decided one day that I wasn't going to be bothered by something (I forget what it was now, but it seemed like a big deal at the time). Almost overnight, the negative feelings vanished.

Ultimately, you have to stop and decide whether you're going to accept this new life and start to heal from the pain, or give up and walk away. One thing you can't do is spend the rest of your life wallowing in hurt.

I acutally learned a lot of this process from Deepak Chopra's 7 Steps of Spiritual Success. For me, it was enough to read the abridged version. I haven't read it, but The Secret apparently has the same message. They're both a bit cheesy and new agey, but it seems to work for a lot of people. The bottom line is that you have to decide that you're going to be happy, and then just think of yourself as being happy, and the happiness automatically comes. If you think of yourself as sad and miserable, then it reinforces the sadness.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 02-12-2013, 07:18 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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@polymiami, if you get a bit of clarity in this thread, I want to say you should start a new thread, it might get you more advice, and by then you'll hopefully have clearer ideas of what you want (I always find it takes me a couple of layers of questions before I figure out just what I am upset about and want advice on)

It seems at this moment your main problem is anger...and although your head knows you shouldn't be angry at him, nevertheless you are, as you feel you signed up for one thing and ended up with another. Yes, it does sound like your partner is doing everything right, and reassuring you. It sounds like at this point there is nothing else he can do, so I hate to say some of the burden falls on you. Reread Ethical Slut, check out the Book and Website sticky in this forum. Buy Opening Up by Tristan Taormino!!! maybe you will identify some of the problems you're feeling from this so you can articulate them to him - and yourself.

Secondly. It sounds like you are spending time with him and his boyfriend. I know you like the guy but think about why you're doing it a bit - do you want to be there so you can witness what happens so you aren't left out? Do you enjoy your time as a group and it enhances your life? Do you wish you had an important second partner too and do you feel jealous, or are you even wired to love more than one person? Are you torturing yourself by spending time with him around and would you serve yourself better by being off doing something with friends, or a hobby that makes you happy instead? (maybe you're only around him a bit, but you mention it in your thread so I want to say if you are in his presence a lot, that might be useful to retreat from that for awhile while you work through this).

Lastly - if you can see a therapist and aren't, (and I think in this case I'd suggest solo therapy because I think having your partner there would shift the focus onto what he SHOULD do to help, and I get the sense this is about what you need to figure out for yourself...) get yourself there. Maybe you don't want to be in a poly relationship, maybe you will be OK with it, but pushing your partner away isn't going to get you want you want and need - not in a direct healthy manner at least.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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