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Old 11-08-2012, 08:34 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485
Default Shifting sexual desire between partners

So, something happened last night that I'm still thinking about today.

I was out by myself, had a couple of drinks, and was texting my BF Curlz. He lives in another city, I haven't seen him for a week, will see him this weekend, I was missing him. The texting got a little sexy and we were talking about how much we were looking forward to sleeping together this weekend

I was turned on, feeling sexy. Then I went home and had sex with my husband. It was good sex, and it wasn't like I was thinking of my BF while having sex with my husband, but when I woke up this morning I did feel a little weird about it. I don't think I would have dragged my husband to my bed if it had not been for the dirty texting I'd been doing with the BF.

Of course, sex with one or the other is very very different, and it's not like being with Ren has made my itch to be with C go away. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone ever experienced this, and if so, does it make you feel guilty? If you have multiple partners, do you feel that wanting sex is about you wanting sex no matter with whom, or do you feel a specific desire to have sex with a specific person? Could you feel lust for one of them and then not want to sleep with another?

Just musing.....
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
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Old 11-08-2012, 03:05 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 398

I'm kinda in the same place. I get more turned on and wanting to have sex with Woodsmith when things between me and Primal get heated but can't actually do anything about it. But I don't get like that with Primal.

I think a part of it does have a little bit to do with ORE. But I know for Woodsmith and I another part of it is our different sleep schedules. He generally won't come to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning (which is fine for me on weekends but not during the week) while I go to bed no later than midnight. And then he will easily sleep in till noon on the weekends when even then I'm up at 8:30 (and when I say sleep in, nothing wakes him up). So we don't have a lot of time that meshes up for sexy times. Also, which I've mentioned to him, it'll be something like I tell him at noon we have to go somewhere at 5 and at 4:55 he's wanting to have sex (which I turn down because we need to leave soon).

Those issues I don't have with Primal because even if he's not tired whenever it's our time together if I go to the bedroom to get ready for bed he'll join me until lI'm asleep. And we both can't sleep in easily.
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
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Old 11-08-2012, 06:14 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Turned on is turned on, honey! Your switch got flipped and you used it to the best advantage -- no need for guilt or feeling weird! Go you!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:59 PM
kissapolygrrl kissapolygrrl is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 12

I have had this happen when I was in my relationship with Charlie Brown. We would have a great date, lots of making out, and I"d be super turned on. I'd go home and a few hours later, my primary partner, Bear and I would have sex. But I wasn't thinking about Charlie Brown...it was definitely sex with Bear. I'd gotten worked up with Charlie Brown, but the sex was completely Bear. I wondered to myself if it was because I wanted to be with Charlie Brown that I was having sex with Bear but definitely not. I think if you were fantasizing about your other partner while having sex with another one...that could be a bit of an issue. I know that *I* wouldn't feel comfortable if someone did that with me. But then, not everyone feels that way.
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Old 11-10-2012, 09:56 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 827

I don't think you have any reason to feel badly at all, seems pretty natural to me. I get turned on for whatever reason - erotica, good thoughts about another human, really fucking tasty dinner - but if I'm having sex it's them I'm having sex with and paying attention to.

Unless I'm fantasizing about that stuff more than I am enjoying the person I'm with who I'm actually having sex with, I don't give it a second thought.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 11-10-2012, 08:41 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,534

Shifting desires seems pretty common. Here's an older thread addressing it and the NRE component. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13998

I know women ( not many ) but a couple who like when their husbands to visit an occasional strip club ....getting them all charged up....and then being the recipient of that energy. This is the same concept except there is a sexual component beyond the visual. Do you think your husband or bf has done this with you....as either the fluffer or the person who is satisfying that impulse? do you care What stimulated his/ their mood ? No ...right

To the last part of your question I've seen several threads in which the primary couple lose interest sexually in one another. Pm if you want a list of user names to track down those threads.
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Old 11-19-2012, 07:09 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

I had a lover (maybe more than) who used to say, 'doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.'

Me, I HATED that. A huge component of the whole shebang for me, is being wanted. For me. Most of the pissed off that I feel, I feel when I think my boys are ignoring me. And that's a lot. They're not, they just have very different focus in their lives, and approach to their lives.

If you don't want to be with me, go be with whom you want. If/when you want ME, let me know.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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