Which way to turn?

I really feel for you. I don't know if I could do what you are doing. You are going through so much. If anything, I'd say to take some time and just breath. Try to be selfish and take time to yourself... do something you enjoy for a couple of hours.


Wish you the best.
 
We continued our fight when he woke up. But we met a resolution, as always.
1. My hormones are going crazy today and I am crying over everything.

2. I am not his mother and will not respond to things the way she did, therefor no guilt trips, no saying one thing and meaning another, no holding things against him if I say it's okay.

3. He is not my dad. He is not abandoning me. (my dad is still very much in my life and we have a great relationship, but he never wanted kids esp. a rebel daughter and we had several yrs of problems and he's done some things to my mom that I just don't agree with). I recognize there are things I ask hi to do/go with me to, that he doesn't enjoy, he recognizes I need him to be with me, enjoy my time more when he is with me. He also recognizes that I do things with him I do not enjoy,but get fulfillment simply from being with him, and I do not complain, I'd like to find away to have that with him as well.

4. Weekends with g/f do not mean only with girlfriend. I assumed it meant they did their thing and I only got invited in if they took pitty on me. Not okay with that. I recognize they need their time, but if Karma and I have plans during their weekend, she either comes along or they make plans for before or after. Karma canceling plans with me, b/c it was their weekend really hurt.

5. We all need to continue to work on the whole communication thing and not assume we know what is going on in the others head.

6. I do not hold the affair against g/f I hold her repetitive hurtful actions against her until proven that they were only mistakes and not intentional harm. I'm getting there quicker than expected.

7.I am not going to lie about how I am feeling. If I say it is okay to do something that I am hurt by or do not agree with, there is a reason for it and again with not being his mom, the reason is not to have something to hold against him. Sometimes the end justifies the means. Sometimes , while it's not what I want or it hurts, I can get over the hurt, knowing he is happy.

8. First thing in the morning or right before bed, not the best time to pick a fight. Not good to pick a fight at all if we are looking to resolve an issue. We are both fighters and highly defensive. Attacking will not resolve anything.

9. Trust will come with time. It is getting there, but I have 8 yrs of cheating, lies and affairs to work through. That's gonna take a bit. I'm going to question and second guess A LOT! Keep proving I have nothing to fear and things will keep moving forward. I do believe people can change. I do not believe once a cheat always a cheat. But I do believe in not making uninformed decisions. I recognize his frustration, he needs to recognize his part in my fear.

10. I won't post things without talking it out first. If I need to write it out, I will journal it and post it later.

11. Everytime I'm reminded of the lies and the fact that the whole damn world knew but me, it's going to hurt. He needs to own his part in that, I need to own my recovery from it.

12. I need time for us, that isn't us on the computer, in a book or playing video games. I need to feel special, not pushed aside because we live together. That's how we end up back to cohabitating, not loving.

I think we made a lot of progress tonight. It was hard to get through and it seems we both hold some residual pain from our parents against eachother. That's not fair to either of us. We need to recognize this in ourselves and verbalize it, not hold it in.

G/f and I progressing as well. We've made some progress in getting to know eachother and I am looking forward to the 3 of us going to a pow wow together. Karma has taken an interest in learning more about the native culture and g/f is always up for things like this, so I think it will be fun. Hopefully I'm pleasantly surprised and not dissapointed. The pow wows I;ve been to have been on reservations this one is held at a fair ground. But it is hosted by the local Tribal community so I have hope.

I did a few personal readings with my new Tarot deck. Still not sure if I like it or not. I love the deck itself, but I'm stumbling on the readings and interpretations. Doesn't seem to come as naturaly as the Runes do.


Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. Has just been an emotional few months and my breaking points are lower as a result. I know it will get better, I just have to hang on until it does.
 
Karmas g/f stayed the night last. They slept in the living room. I slept better than I thought, though it was odd to wake up without him.

Not feeling to good today. Lots of pain the new medicine is really tearing up my stomache. I think I'm gonna stay home and let Karma and his girlfriend have a day for themselves. They need it and I'm just not up to running around in 99 degree heat.

Emotionaly I'm feeling better. Still a little off but better. Frustrated that Karma and I haven't had any "alone" time in like a week and half. I'm missing intimacy with my husband. Seems so weird since a few months ago it was the last thing on my mind. At least that medication switch worked for the better :) But now I understand Karma's frustration. I almost feel neglected. We just haven't had time to be together. Either he isn't home, we're fighting, or sleeping at different times. I'm still learning how to adapt to that. I feel like I'm missing something. I'm no longer upset about the amount of time he is spending with g/f, I just wish we could figure out a way to create more hours in a day. I guess we need to learn to juggle life a bit better.
 
Thanks RP, we're tryin'. He's taking her home now, so hopefully I can stay awake long enough :p. It's taking some adjustment and compromise on all our parts, but it's working out little by little.
 
yeah RP, how the hell do you juggle three relationships? You're kinda my hero for being able to do that at the moment.
 
LOL yeah we're to unorganised for a calander to work.

Waiting on Karma to get back with g/f so we can go to a Native American Festival and pow wow. I'm really excited for today. Hoping for some good conversation and some fun just hanging out.

It's odd that all it took was a 5 page letter :) but her pretense seems gone and we are working on actualy getting to know eachother. I'm feeling much more comfortable with things. It's good to be yet again reminded that there's always going to be things we have towork through, but we'll always get through them.

Got a little bit of much needed Karma time last night. I love my husband! Oh and I forgot to brag about the fact that he made g/f and I breakfast in bed yesturday!

I know we'll all still have issues, we're human, but for today, it's nice to look forward to a good time with the man I love and the woman he loves. And tonight is a birthday party for the un boyfriend. Which Karma has decided to go to :)
 
Had a great day. Wasn't kill you hot. The pow wow was good. Not exceptional but not the dissapointment I was fearing. G/f bought me a necklace with an arrowhead and a buffalo in it. Really nifty.

A lot of the crafters were "typical white man" crap, but there were some that were authentic that were unfortunately waaaaay outta my price range.

We didn't really talk much but had a good time, the dancers were amazing, and the hr train ride home was humerus. Apparently made a couple of girls jealous as the stared at us quite a bit. Karma really loves taking his girls out.:p

We're gonna go watch a movie and pass out. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend.
 
default answer - google calendar...:D :p

Calendars good...disorganized bad!:D I appreciate time and it being well spent. Glad you guys had a stress-free and fun weekend! You need it and deserve it! Happy Sunday. Good to catch with everyone on here every couple of days. So much activity on the boards recently.

Love to you and Karma! Is gf on here?
 
Just got cooking dinner and have no desire to eat :confused: Oh well Karma will like it. Garlic and chedder mashed new potatoes, Spinich,Aspargus and cherry tomatos baked with mozz and parm, Steamed zuchinni and summer squash and bbq pork chops with peanut butter cheesecake brownies for dessert. I love cooking for my boy.

MG-I'm as organised I can be, I just cannot remember to look at a calander! It's sad really.

No g/f isn't on here, yet. I'm still trying to decide if I'm okay with sharing this space with her. In some ways I think it would be good for all of us. But in others I feel like I'm losing my place to vent. She's overly sensitive (as am I) and I fear either of us taking the others words wrong.



G/f is working on homework today, so I'm not sure what we'll be getting into tonight.
 
She generally only cooks when I'm either too tired, too sick, or just don't feel like doing it. Darkon Sundays are the exception. Generally she does the baking, and I do the cooking.

Her cooking is good, but her baking is Divinity, captured on a dessert plate :)
 
If I have a recipe I'm excited to try it's one thing, I hate the same old thing. I want to be creative in the kitchen. But Karma's right, I'm more of a baker than cook. I'm going to school for a pastry chef degree. Which makes losing weight fun :) Just took to baggies of the brownies to my wifes house last night that way they aren't here to tempt.

Overall good morning. Karma is stiff and sore from Darkon sunday so except for maybe a walk, I think we'll stay home, and kinda sorta clean. No big plans. No big drama. Just gonna sit here, enjoy a brownie and sigh with a smile. :)
 
If I have a recipe I'm excited to try it's one thing, I hate the same old thing. I want to be creative in the kitchen. But Karma's right, I'm more of a baker than cook. I'm going to school for a pastry chef degree. Which makes losing weight fun :) Just took to baggies of the brownies to my wifes house last night that way they aren't here to tempt.

My wife was a pastry chef for years. It is not good for ones health hahaha...(usually the pastry chef also ends up on apps, so it makes for some awesome take home dinners)

With her gluten free, dairy free flavour free (sarcasm) new approach to eating she can't cook what she used to.

Overall good morning. Karma is stiff and sore from Darkon sunday so except for maybe a walk, I think we'll stay home, and kinda sorta clean. No big plans. No big drama. Just gonna sit here, enjoy a brownie and sigh with a smile. :)

I must have been tired earlier, I read DAKKON and was thinking, wow a whole day dedicated to a vegetable.
 
LOL yeah we're to unorganised for a calander to work.

I know of people using it to simply track their lives, so they can see when they have free time. They put their schedules in themselves and each organize time with each other.

I have also seen it abused, where one person ends up being the time keeper. This usually ends up creating resentment (well...imagine being a primary and ALWAYS having to schedule time of your primary with his gf. and then getting in shit if time wasn't alloted, it caused a serious problem on all parts)

If you have scheduling problems then it might help. Regardless of your ability to organize ;) ...

Waiting on Karma to get back with g/f so we can go to a Native American Festival and pow wow. I'm really excited for today. Hoping for some good conversation and some fun just hanging out.

It's odd that all it took was a 5 page letter :) but her pretense seems gone and we are working on actualy getting to know eachother. I'm feeling much more comfortable with things. It's good to be yet again reminded that there's always going to be things we have towork through, but we'll always get through them.

Got a little bit of much needed Karma time last night. I love my husband! Oh and I forgot to brag about the fact that he made g/f and I breakfast in bed yesturday!
 
With her gluten free, dairy free flavour free (sarcasm) new approach to eating she can't cook what she used to.

There are actualy some really good healthy recipes out there, just takes some playing around. I've definitaly found my share of substitutes that don't work, but I've found a lot that have. Let's me get my sweet craving ful-filled and get a ton of fruit, veg and fiber. Karma unfortunately has to be my taste tester, so sometimes he gets the bad end of the deal. others, he really lucks out with some good healthy food.

I'd like to open a cafe that serves good food that is good for you and also a pagan bookstore attached. Big dreams for the one day.



Keeping the sched isn't really too bad, it's making sure everyone has time and no one feels left out. Like going a week and a half with no real time with Karma. It was frustrating. Going to be even harder of/when jobs come through. But we'll work it out.
 
I was kidding/sarcastic to a point. We have found many good recipes...I tend to love to experiment with food. Lots of options really.

Our roomate is allergic to garlic. Thats been a serious killer of taste hahaha (pengrah worked primarilly in Italian and french kitchens and I...love garlic. )
 
I got that you were joking, though sometimes Karma just has to walk away from some of my experiments.

Allergic to garlic!!!!!!:eek: That has to be the worst thing. sorry but Karma put garlic in and on almost everythng. Not sure how I'd adapt to that one.
 
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