Communication issues

anamikanon

New member
So I'm in a relationship with Spexy. We've had some rough patches recently that still throw the occasional aftershock. He had acted very badly with me and has severe difficulty recognizing and articulating emotions or understanding the potential emotional impact of his actions and he genuinely regrets it, but we are past that now, of sorts. Or rather, I am past it, but he can't seem to forgive himself.

There are many issues the recent crisis brought up, one of the biggest ones is related with highlighting his difficulties expressing his feelings, and recurring feelings of insecurity within me because of that. We are in an LDR. When we are together, which is about a week or so a month, things are great. His actions express all the emotions he can't find words for. When we are away, I sometimes feel a bit... lost and abandoned - though I definitely know it is more an issue of his inability to articulate than him not feeling.

The other problem is that he seems to interpret my expression of loneliness as criticism and responds by blaming himself and promising to make things better, etc. What I really need in the moment is just to be heard and loved. I KNOW he isn't being remote on purpose. I KNOW he loves me. I cannot and don't blame him for an inability that I well know he is trying to improve on. I just need to be heard, loved when I'm feeling lonely.

Yes, he had hurt me badly, completely unprovoked and he has apologized over and over. Yes, my insecurity is a sort of instinctive flinching when he acts remote. But it isn't because I believe he wants to hurt me. It is taking a while for me to feel secure if he is remote (habitually - not intentionally, he is trying very hard to learn to share his feelings). But if I try to speak with him about it, my loneliness sort of remains as it is, and where i seek togetherness, on the contrary, it gets polarized with him the villain for my pain.

I don't even know what the question is. I guess I need ideas to improve anything on any of this.
 
Last edited:
I am sorry you struggle.

I found your post hard to read for some reason. Before I respond... let me repeat that back in my own words so I know I got it. You correct me if I get anything wrong ok? I quote just to visually block it off.

I am in a relationship with Spexy.
  • He has a hard time recognizing and articulating emotions.
  • He has a hard time understanding how his actions can affect others.

We recently had a rough patch. I am past it, but he's still not forgiven himself. (Unspoken: I wish he'd move on already?)


We see each other one week a month. In person, things are great.

The other three weeks? If I feel lonely or miss him and tell him? I want him to say things like “I am sorry you feel lonely. I know it's sometimes hard when we are apart. I want you to know I love you even when we are apart.” I want the focus of the conversation to be on ME and my need to be heard and loved on for a moment so I can feel better.

Instead he makes the conversation be about HIM. He takes it as criticism, blames himself, promises to make things better, etc. (Unspoken: I end up spending energy I do not have comforting him and get no comfort back myself?)

I don't like this dynamic. What, if anything, can I do to change it?

Is that what you meant? :confused:

Where i seek togetherness, on the contrary, it gets polarized with him the villain for my pain.

That part I did not understand at all. Could you be willing to clarify the part in bold?

Are there other issues at play here? Like Asperger's or something?

You might try changing how you ask. Be super direct. Like...

"I feel lonely today. I know LDR is just what it is right now. But I could use some kind words. Could you please be willing to tell me you love me?"​

See if that works out better. Since he has a hard time figuring stuff out, make it easy on him and TELL him what you want.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I am sorry you struggle.

I found your post hard to read for some reason. Before I respond... let me repeat that back in my own words so I know I got it. You correct me if I get anything wrong ok?

Yep. I was confused and incoherent, but you seem to have understood me pretty accurately.

That part I did not understand at all. Could you be willing to clarify the part in bold?

I mean that when I'm lonely, I'd rather us be on the same "side" of a discussion. Reaching out to each other, than him being targeted for doing something wrong to me, even though he is doing it himself. It is not about him making me feel bad (on opposite sides of a bad action + incorrect, as he never ever wants me to feel bad), but me needing him with me. Not important if it doesn't make sense. you got the main issue nailed.

Are there other issues at play here? Like Asperger's or something?

Alexithymia

You might try changing how you ask. Be super direct. Like...

"I feel lonely today. I know LDR is just what it is right now. But I could use some kind words. Could you please be willing to tell me you love me?"​

See if that works out better. Since he has a hard time figuring stuff out, make it easy on him and TELL him what you want.

Galagirl

I try to do that. But sometimes demanding to be told words of love and getting them just doesn't seem to.... satisfy. Also it isn't just about him telling me he loves me. That he will do fifty times a day, till it is as good as a "Hi". It is about him being able to speak of his emotions to me as a whole. Not just feeling love for me. Even on being asked, the answer to "What are you feeling right now" is more likely to be "hungry" or "sleepy" rather than "upset" or "sad" or "guilty" - whether it is a hard day at work or family issues. A day when loads of good things happen is "alright". He has learned to put words to what he feels after being asked point blank with some persistence, and I am pretty good at "reading" him, but sometimes when I'm feeling low, I just want to hear him TELL ME instead of interrogating him to know what he feels about anything from day to day stuff to a blow job. Left to himself he finds it difficult to say how he feels about anything. So unless he is consciously remembering and doing it or I remind him, we can have days without him stating any personal feelings about anything. Not even so much as "I love ice cream".

I most certainly don't blame him. It is a very real inability and he is working very hard to overcome it. For the most part, I have also learned to understand him. But sometimes it just gets.... hard. And then it hurts me even more to hear him blame himself for something he really cannot help and is trying his best to work with.
 
where i seek togetherness, on the contrary, it gets polarized with him the villain for my pain.
I think I understand this dynamics.
He doesn't understand that pain doesn't mean that anyone did anythig wrong. So chooses to take on guilt. Or maybe he gets scared by your negative feelings. Anyhow, he withdraws from the conversation and gets defensive, when you are actually asking for empathy.

What is it actually you would like him to give you?
Understanding, validation of your feelings?
"Comiseration" in the "I miss you too" sence?
For him to be strong in the moment when you are weak?

Given what you write about his emotional skills, you can of course have the conversation of "you're not at fault, I just need some support" over and over again, but it might take a long time for him to unlearn taking on guilt and learn to give support effectivelly.
So you might want to develop your own skills while he still works on his. Now, my partner is good at giving support in the situation you describe, so I don't really know what works. I think remembering, or looking forward to, the good stuff helps me. And I imagine some soft self-soothing approaches like hugging your inner child may be of value (?).
 
Thank you for extra details.

If he's an alexithymia patient, who is trying his best? I think that's all you can expect to get here.

I get that asking him to more directly if he is willing to say loving words is not the same thing as him coming up with it himself. (Note I say request, not demand. Do you demand?)

And perhaps isn't as satisfying then because you don't get spontaneity then. But you are in a patient relationship. Some patients might only improve to a certain level. Some patient's won't. Something has to give. Maybe you decide you want to give up spontaneity for more direct requests so you can get loving words more often. Pick the thing you value most when you cannot have them all.

I mean that when I'm lonely, I'd rather us be on the same "side" of a discussion. Reaching out to each other, than him being targeted for doing something wrong to me, even though he is doing it himself. It is not about him making me feel bad (on opposite sides of a bad action + incorrect, as he never ever wants me to feel bad), but me needing him with me. Not important if it doesn't make sense. you got the main issue nailed.

That sounds like he does defensive listening. And like maybe you wish he could actually hear your message and not take it on as criticism and throw up the walls. Maybe you wish he could approach it more like "solving a problem together" rather than "you vs him."

I don't know anything about alexithymia and how much change is possible with that condition. Or how much you could do in reframing your requests when you are lonely.But maybe you want to try. Like...

"Could you be willing to help me? I could use some loving words right now. I feel lonely and I think with your help with loving words, I could feel better."

Perhaps if you come at it with a collaborative approach he might join you in that collaboration rather than throwing up walls making it be "you vs him"?

If he's willing to collaborate, great. If not, you could solve it a different way on your own. Maybe go out with friends, or go somewhere where there are people so you are not feeling lonely.

when I'm feeling low, I just want to hear him TELL ME instead of interrogating him to know what he feels about anything from day to day stuff to a blow job. Left to himself he finds it difficult to say how he feels about anything. So unless he is consciously remembering and doing it or I remind him, we can have days without him stating any personal feelings about anything. Not even so much as "I love ice cream".

And that's how it is here with this patient. There will be times where days can go by without anything personal being said.

You sound tired of interrogating. So maybe stop doing that give it a break? And accept that yeah, there will be days where you don't hear him state personal feelings about things. You say in person it is good -- so perhaps less contact the other other 3 weeks so you aren't feeling bad about it and he isn't self blaming? Could that help any?

I most certainly don't blame him. It is a very real inability and he is working very hard to overcome it. For the most part, I have also learned to understand him. But sometimes it just gets.... hard. And then it hurts me even more to hear him blame himself for something he really cannot help and is trying his best to work with.

I can understand that it gets hard. I have an Alzheimer parent. That's not anyone's fault either. Parent communicates weird and I'm one of the few who get it. Doesn't mean I still don't have days where I am just tired of having to do this much "lifting" to help Parent have a conversation. It's work -- not "relaxing" for me. Sometimes wish I didn't have to deal with it and I wish things could be "more normal." But I cannot share that stuff with my parent. Or else Parent feels like more of a burden or feels bad about something they cannot help. So I air those feelings out in eldercare class and NOT with Parent.

Is it possible for you to seek another outlet? Maybe share those feelings with a support group, friend, counselor, journal or some other place? Because I don't think there's anything wrong with you feeling that way. I think it is normal in patient relationships to sometimes feel tired of it all. But if sharing those feelings with HIM causes more problems? Maybe you accept that he's just not the person to share that part with. Reduce the stress that way.

Patient relationships are going to be different. You adapt because it's worth it to you to adapt and stay in the relationships. Or you let the relationship go so you don't have to be doing these adaptations.

You seem to want to stay here -- so continue to adapt. Change your expectations. Stop expecting him to hear all you frustrations with alexithymia -- see if airing some of it out elsewhere helps you unburden. Enjoy the time you have in person, and when you are apart.... talk less and be ok talking less. You don't have to be doing so much lifting, and he doesn't have so much self blaming going on.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
What is it actually you would like him to give you?
Understanding, validation of your feelings?
"Comiseration" in the "I miss you too" sence?
For him to be strong in the moment when you are weak?

I want him to miss me right back. To take a moment to hear what's going on with me. Respond whatever comes naturally.
 
That sounds like he does defensive listening. And like maybe you wish he could actually hear your message and not take it on as criticism and throw up the walls. Approach it more like "solving a problem together" rather than "you vs him."

Yes. This is a big problem. In fact, there isn't a "problem solving" thing in the sense of solving a deliberate hurt inflicted on me - whether by him alone or us together. I understand that he has the difficulty. We have spoken extensively on this, and I accept. I accept to the extent of accepting any hurt he causes unintentionally. I don't like that he allocates blame.

I don't know anything about alexythemia and how much is possible with that. Or how much you could do in reframing your requests when you are lonely. Like...

"Could you be willing to help me? I could use some loving words right now. I feel lonely and I think with your help with loving words, I could feel better."

We had a chat a while ago, and his suggestion was remarkably similar. He told me to CALL HIM if I felt neglected instead of waiting for him to notice it.

I am going to learn to do that.

A part of this is my issues with an abusive ex, where I got slapped down for stating my needs in the relationship, repeatedly. I hesitate to interrupt whatever may be going on with him for nothing more than wanting some attention - as in no "real reason". This is an unfortunate intersection of issues that I am going to end. At no point has Spexy ever grudged me affection. It is simply unfair to him and me to not directly ask for it when I need over some abusive hangover.

Is it possible for you to seek another outlet? Maybe share those feelings with a support group, friend, counselor, journal or some other place? Because I don't think there's anything wrong with you feeling that way. I think it is normal in patient relationships to sometimes feel tired of it all. But if sharing those feelings with HIM causes more problems? Maybe you accept that he's just not the person to share that part with. Reduce the stress that way.

Nah. When I want him, I want him. But yes, I can make it way easier for him to know when I want him. :)
 
He IS responding with what comes naturally as a person with his condition. :eek:

You could ask him if he's willing to hear about your day and if he is, tell him what's up. Just go on and share if you want to share. But I think you have to get over wanting him to ask you spontaneously.

It's like "Hi blind guy, why can't you see?"
"Cuz blind."

Or "Hi deaf guy, why can't you hear?"
"Cuz deaf."

Just that here it is "Hi person with alexithymia...why aren't you better at emotional awareness, social attachment, or interpersonal relating?"
"Cuz alexithymia."

You will make yourself crazy if you cannot come to peace with his condition.

He told me to CALL HIM if I felt neglected instead of waiting for him to notice it.

Then follow through!

A part of this is my issues with an abusive ex, where I got slapped down for stating my needs in the relationship, repeatedly. I hesitate to interrupt whatever may be going on with him for nothing more than wanting some attention - as in no "real reason". This is an unfortunate intersection of issues that I am going to end. At no point has Spexy ever grudged me affection. It is simply unfair to him and me to not directly ask for it when I need over some abusive hangover

That sounds like a plan. Just put it out there PLAIN and make it easier on BOTH of you. He is not your abusive ex. You don't have to tiptoe.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Glad it helped some.

Let us know how putting it out there more PLAIN works out. I hope it gets better for you.

GL!
Galagirl
 
I can relate. Growing up, my husband wasn't given any feeling names besides Pride and Anger. That's all he was allowed to express. So at the time when his brain was wiring itself for correlating physical sensations to emotions and corresponding vocabulary, he was being forced to ignore it and shut it off.

I'd never heard the term Alexithymia, and my husband is the type to loathe labels for things like that, so I won't go there. But I can share some techniques that have helped me cope with his limitations these past 10 years.

The bottom line was that I had to accept it and learn to change my expectations to be more in line with what he was capable of. He has made progress all the same, but it's all come from within himself not from me pushing. I just keep sharing what's going on for me, helping him see examples of what that looks like... both what it's like to share, but even just as simple as what words go with what feelings...

I think that when we push, we only cloud up their feelings. They already can't tell what's going on for them, and when we put extra pressure to identify it, that adds anxiety to the mix and they can't separate the anxiety responses from what they were feeling before. I know how hard it is, trust me I know, to back off when you want answers. I didn't know how to do it at first, and so I know really well what it looks like when they get overwhelmed with demands that they share their feelings, and they just can't and the more I pushed, the more frustrated he got both with me for pushing and himself for not being "normal."

But I've found that if I can just give him the space he needs to process, he usually comes back with something profound.

Look at it this way. It's really hard for them to talk about their feelings. Like, mind blowingly hard. Even to do it a little bit. So while he may not be telling you the things you want to hear, the fact that he's there trying to tell you anything is how you can remember that he loves you and he's really trying for you and for the relationship.
 
Last edited:
Thank you SchrodingersCat. It is true. The amount of effort he makes itself is a story of how much love there is.

About pushing, I guess it is about how you do it. I find generic pressurizing to talk about emotions is not so useful, because he has no idea what actions it entails, but he appreciates specific reminders. He does want to relate and often appreciates the reminder to check what he is feeling. For example, his suggestion to avoid the insecurity I feel when he is remote is pretty straightforward - to call him. "Call me and chew my ear off" he said. Not because he'd liked to be abused, but what he means is that him getting remote and me feeling insecure is a situation he doesn't want himself and he WANTS whatever reminders will prevent it. The trick is to provide reminders that are as actionable as practical or he just gets frustrated and lost.
 
Last edited:
Hi anamikanon,

It sounds like you are starting to get some of this situation figured out. That's good to hear. I think that you do not want anything to be forced, you just want Spexy to connect with you spontaneously. Does that make sense?

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
Glad it still helps you.

Out of curiosity...

Did things get any better making requests, doing reminders and more "talk plain" to help him "get it?"

Galagirl
 
Glad it still helps you.

Out of curiosity...

Did things get any better making requests, doing reminders and more "talk plain" to help him "get it?"

Galagirl

Yes. But a lot of the heavy lifting came from him. He has tried to be very open to conversation no matter what. For example last night's conversation (on the other thread) is a first for us. It isn't that I hadn't tried. He just couldn't/wouldn't. Last night he could. Was not easy. Was pretty brutal to hear, frankly. But it ended well because I didn't get evasions. I can cope with something already in the past if it isn't still being covered up.
 
Back
Top