I'm in over my head.

So, how's everything going, Freetime?

I just spent an hour typing out a message only to have it vanish when I hit submit.

I'll try again later when I get back, from my meeting.


I'm surviving. Not much more right now. I'll take what I can get.
 
Boo! I hate it when the forums eat my responses like that. It's happened to me a lot, so you think I'd learn at this point to just copy everything before I hit submit, but I never do.
 
Make sure you click the "remember me" box when you sign in. I find that helps on VBull boards.
 
Really?

I have to wonder if I'm Insane. Uncertainty fear anger remorse love lust acceptance openess.... repeat as needed.

I'm learning what TMI really means and why somethings are best left unspoken if not unknown. My wife is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings, good for him. Not so much for me.

I find fear to be my friend right now as it keeps me focused on:
1) Getting healthy, back in shape
2) Finding a job/ career. great for build self esteem.
3) Building my own life and getting out of Ts. Her life is her business now, I need to remember that.

I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pagent when M2 and his wife T2 came over.
M2 is fit, good looking and smart. T2 is a babe and of course T is the proverbial Hotwife made real. Me? well I do have a cute little budda belly starting.

I've gone from yodda level lightness and love over to Vader level self loathing and fear.

T has offered once again to stop seeing M2, but that's delaying the inevitable, so I have to find my balance soon, like yesterday soon. When t and I connect soul to soul I simmer down amd start to mellow out. Right up to the next text message from M2.

I've also come to see that as nice as M2 and T2 are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay to many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as M2 treats tag with love and kindness and respects my relationship I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Lets all be friends" approach far to soon. I need time to adjust to T having a BF, anything else is just noise right now. M2 is coming over to play with T tomorrow and I'm going to drink, fight and get arrested. Ok no I'm not, but I do find the idea oddly attractive right now. Ah fuck it. I'll live.

I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts, and yet I just do not have it in me to ask T to stop. Running away or pretending it isn't happening solves nothing. I love my wife. I fucking hate my life. Maybe one day I'll have both? Nah, that only happens in fairy tales.

P.S. NRE is an evil perpetrated on the unwary by the uncaring.
 
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I have to wonder if I'm Insane. Uncertainty fear anger remorse love lust acceptance openess.... repeat as needed.

I'm learning what TMI really means and why somethings are best left unspoken if not unknown. My wife is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings, good for him. Not so much for me.

Can love really be quantified? Does she really love one more, or one any less? Or does she simply love? And is she in love with him yet, really, or just caught up in the chemicals?

Take a slow, deep breath. Don't compare. No one ever wins at the compare game.

However, your realization about who T. is now -- older, more experienced, more practiced at communication than she was when you first started in your relationship with her -- is a good insight to have, and important to remember. Somehow you were expecting her to fumble around, awkward like a teenager? But she isn't a teen (thank the heavens!), and she is more secure in herself, and a mature, evolving person, who has you to thank for lots of her personal growth. Don't forget that.

I find fear to be my friend right now as it keeps me focused on:
1) Getting healthy, back in shape
2) Finding a job/ career. great for build self esteem.
3) Building my own life and getting out of Ts. Her life is her business now, I need to remember that.

All good stuff. Invest in you. It's not that her life is only her business -- you still are partners in your marriage -- it's that you both have your own lives to tend to, and your own satisfaction to nurture. Cultivating you to be the best you you can be will ultimately be so much more satisfying (for you) than going into that needy, insecure part of you that wants reassurance from her.

I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pagent when M2 and his wife T2 came over.
M2 is fit, good looking and smart. T2 is a babe and of course T is the proverbial Hotwife made real. Me? well I do have a cute little budda belly starting.

This is just foolishness and self-pity.

Oh, and FYI, I love guys with Buddha bellies!

I've also come to see that as nice as M2 and T2 are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay to many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as M2 treats tag with love and kindness and respects my relationship I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Lets all be friends" approach far to soon. ... Ah fuck it. I'll live.
Yes, you will. And you will thrive because you love each other. This is just a new shape for the container in which you two have planted the seeds of your relationship. Marriage and relationships always change and evolve.

And you know what? You don't have to be friends with M2 and T2. But I think it was important for you to meet them, so that the fear of the unknown doesn't take over your imaginings. You have a sense of who they are, and when/if you feel comfortable reaching out to one or both of them for friendship, go for it. But it's not a requirement!

I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts...
You forgot: you're also brave, loving, compassionate, and pretty awesome!

I just do not have it in me to ask T to stop. Running away or pretending it isn't happening solves nothing. I love my wife. I fucking hate my life. Maybe one day I'll have both? Nah, that only happens in fairy tales.

You are human, and experiencing the ebb and flow of emotions. At some point, the turbulence will cease and you will reach a comfort level that makes you happy, I am sure of it. Hang in there & keep talking. I think you are an amazing man.
 
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I'm learning what TMI really means and why somethings are best left unspoken if not unknown. My wife is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings, good for him. Not so much for me.
Memory is a funny thing. The past tends to get distorted through the lens of the present. As real as the image can seem, it cannot always be trusted.

Me? well I do have a cute little budda belly starting.
Speaking of Budda...he was pretty clever dude. The rest of this post will be brought to you by the power of Budda! (As presented by a half-assed google search since I don't like typing verbatum from books when I can cut & paste from the web)
Budda said:
~ Inflamed by greed, incensed by hate, confused by delusion, overcome by them, obsessed by mind, a man chooses for his own affliction, for others' affliction, for the affliction of both and experiences pain and grief. ~ Budda



I find fear to be my friend right now as it keeps me focused on:
1) Getting healthy, back in shape
2) Finding a job/ career. great for build self esteem.
3) Building my own life and getting out of Ts. Her life is her business now, I need to remember that.

I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pagent when M2 and his wife T2 came over.
M2 is fit, good looking and smart. T2 is a babe and of course T is the proverbial Hotwife made real.

Budda said:
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."



I've gone from yodda level lightness and love over to Vader level self loathing and fear.

T has offered once again to stop seeing M2, but that's delaying the inevitable, so I have to find my balance soon, like yesterday soon. When t and I connect soul to soul I simmer down amd start to mellow out. Right up to the next text message from M2.
Budda said:
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.



I've also come to see that as nice as M2 and T2 are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay to many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as M2 treats tag with love and kindness and respects my relationship I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Lets all be friends" approach far to soon. I need time to adjust to T having a BF, anything else is just noise right now. M2 is coming over to play with T tomorrow and I'm going to drink, fight and get arrested. Ok no I'm not, but I do find the idea oddly attractive right now. Ah fuck it. I'll live.
Budda said:
~ You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. ~ Budda



I have to wonder if I'm Insane. Uncertainty fear anger remorse love lust acceptance openess.... repeat as needed.
Budda said:
~ It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell. ~ Budda



I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts, and yet I just do not have it in me to ask T to stop. Running away or pretending it isn't happening solves nothing. I love my wife. I fucking hate my life. Maybe one day I'll have both? Nah, that only happens in fairy tales.
Budda said:
~ The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly ~ Budda



P.S. NRE is an evil perpetrated on the unwary by the uncaring.
Google doesn't have Budda saying anything about NRE. But I know there's some days that my wife would probably want to steal yours.
 
I have to wonder if I'm Insane. Uncertainty fear anger remorse love lust acceptance openess.... repeat as needed.

I'm learning what TMI really means and why somethings are best left unspoken if not unknown. My wife is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings, good for him. Not so much for me.

TELL HER HOW YOU ARE FEELING. Ask for for specific actions that will help to reassure you that she still loves you as much as she ever did (hell, for your willingness to go through this, she probably loves you MORE).

I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pagent when M2 and his wife T2 came over.
M2 is fit, good looking and smart. T2 is a babe and of course T is the proverbial Hotwife made real. Me? well I do have a cute little budda belly starting.

You and me both, brother. In fact, in honor of the "rapture," I'm enjoying some of Victory Brewing's finest tonight.

It helps, when staring at yourself in the mirror, to stand up straight with good posture, and realize that you are your own worst critic. I'm gonna bet that, when you do that, you'll realize you're not as far from where you want to be as you thought.

T has offered once again to stop seeing M2, but that's delaying the inevitable, so I have to find my balance soon, like yesterday soon. When t and I connect soul to soul I simmer down amd start to mellow out. Right up to the next text message from M2.

You are within your rights to ask her to SLOW DOWN, so that you have some time to deal with it, and to be reassured that she still loves you. You may see it as "delaying the inevitable." I see it as a nod to reality: an oak tree won't grow any faster than it will, no matter how hard you want it to.

I've also come to see that as nice as M2 and T2 are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay to many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as M2 treats tag with love and kindness and respects my relationship I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Lets all be friends" approach far to soon. I need time to adjust to T having a BF, anything else is just noise right now. M2 is coming over to play with T tomorrow and I'm going to drink, fight and get arrested. Ok no I'm not, but I do find the idea oddly attractive right now. Ah fuck it. I'll live.

Ask her to please SLOW DOWN. Tell her you know and acknowledge that she is who she is, but you need some time to catch up. It's OK to ask for this. Really. Tell her what actions with M2 drive you batshit, and ask her to please hold off on that for a bit. Not forever, just for a bit, so that you can speak truth to your fears--know deep inside that she loves you; that she doesn't love him more than you, that she does not want to leave you for him.
Your fears are primitive creatures, and are going to require that lesson repeatedly. IT'S OK TO ASK T TO GIVE YOU TIME TO DO THAT. You are in no way a failure of any kind.

I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts, and yet I just do not have it in me to ask T to stop.

So don't ask her to stop. But do ask her to SLOW DOWN.

P.S. NRE is an evil perpetrated on the unwary by the uncaring.

Well no, it isn't. It may feed your current black mood to tell yourself that, but it really is a chemical process in the brain. You had it with T when you first got together with her. Were you uncaringly perpetrating "an evil [...] on the unwary" back then?
 
The previous post was/is a snapshot of the lowest I've gone in this journey.other then day 01. The anger and self pity are indeed pretty obvious, but also true at that moment. I really want to edit it and make it sound less....snivelly but that's just another way to lie about what's going on, so I'll leave it as is.

We went out tonight to meet another Poly couple who along with T helped calm down the angry monkey I had become. They shared there story, home and heart with us and I am grateful to no end for there support.

Most of my.....stuff isn't related to the Poly, but it is getting caught up in it. My outburst at T, M2 and T2 is how I deal with emotional.....stuff. poorly.

M2 and T2 have been and will remain people who I want to spend time with. Gentle souls, both.

T and I had a great night, one filled with laughter and love. A much better close to the day then how I got it started.

This really caught me off guard, I'm still not sure what happened with me/this. But it's pretty clear I have a lot of homework to do.

I'll write more later, but for now I'm going to get some much needed sleep.

NYCindie MT,and II, you have all given me much to think about and do. Thank you.

P.S. my inability to spell yoda and buddha makes T smile. Who knew?
 
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It's called a roller coaster for a reason: there will be highs and lows, and you won't expect them. Again, this does not make you a failure.

AND: as some kind soul pointed out in my own "new guy" thread: it's FAR better to vent here than to say something hurtful to the one(s) you love.

MT
 
I know you and I are going through much of the same thing FT. I hadn't been posting much on here lately since I didn't even want to think about anything poly, since it would just piss me off. So I wasn't even coming here. I've been feeling a lot less angry about things, so I'm kind of floating around here sometimes.

Anyways, even if nothing is going on, it's just the very idea of poly that I struggle with. Jen hasn't been doing anything with other guys for a good while, but I've still been mad. I would suggest to you maybe to have your wife stop poly stuff for now, so that way you can be okay with the idea?

I think the both of us are pretty hard wired mono. It's obvious the both of us want to be able to accept our wives for what they are... But it's been killing us inside. So, get used to the idea first, and move from there. I think it's going to take us a lot longer than previously thought. Slamming right into things was too fast for us both.


I'm not really sure what has helped me to turn around. Maybe just time? Either way, I think things need to be pretty darn slow for the both of us. Good luck!
 
I call bullshit. After creeping your Facebook, I have to say you are pretty darn sexy. So, no more pity party!
can I *like* this?

I am glad to hear that you met some people who are just friends and poly. I find all to often in this community that is becomes all about dating and fucking. Especially for new comers. *yawn* so gotten old for me at this point, although it was a similar process to me. :)

Keep breathing. Eventully it seems mind and body kind of let go of the pain and confusion and stop trying to control it. It's a defense mechanism (why do we do this?).

I agree with TP. Some slowing down and taking a breath is worth asking for.
 
I'm going to write a book.

The fastest way to experience pain in the creation of a poly amorous relationship.

1) pretend you know what your getting into.
2) rush into it even after folks suggest you slow down
3) repeat 1 and 2 until you're divorced, insane, or decide to start listening to people who actually do know what they are doing.

I'm in NYC on business right now so I can't write for long, but let's just say I've made some serious miscues, both painful and entertaining in the last few days that make just about everything else I've experienced so far seem like fun.

More when I get home. P.s. I love N.Y!
 
I'm going to write a book.

The fastest way to experience pain in the creation of a poly amorous relationship.

1) pretend you know what your getting into.
2) rush into it even after folks suggest you slow down
3) repeat 1 and 2 until you're divorced, insane, or decide to start listening to people who actually do know what they are doing.
Doug Larson said:
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.




I'm in NYC on business right now so I can't write for long, but let's just say I've made some serious miscues, both painful and entertaining in the last few days that make just about everything else I've experienced so far seem like fun.

More when I get home. P.s. I love N.Y!
NYC is an awesome town. Gotta say I'm a little envious. Don't forget to visit the Museum of Sex!
 
Free and Beo -- I have to confess: I get you guys mixed up! Forgive me if I ever refer to Jen or T and I'm totally wrong :eek:

My Sundance is totally mono too and has shared your struggles. It really helps me to read your perspective. HIS anger scares me and worries me -- but yours helps me to understand. So I thank you for coming here to vent and to share and to bare your souls; it really helps others.

It's still a roller coaster for us, too. Sundance sometimes says "I don't LIKE it, but I understand." We are settling into our poly life a bit now. It's relatively calm. Hoping for some moments like this for you, too :)
 
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