purpleboots
New member
Hey folks! I'm back! I was here around six years ago in a horrible poly hell situation that so many people helped and supported and advised me through. I'm currently going through an experience that's triggering a bunch of my baggage/trauma from that time and I just re-read that thread to try to gain some perspective.
tl:dr of that thread: I was in a super toxic and disrespectful triad while pregnant and caring for my partner's three kids (four if you count the unborn one. Two mine, two from a previous relationship) while he focused on indulging a new dysfunctional relationship and all it's complicated demands. They gaslighted me and forced me to be the only one processing and actually DOING ethical non mono while they just did whatever they wanted and disregarded my needs. It was horrible.
But I got the fuck out of there and survived, thrived, started building my career and new life for myself and am now in the same home I've been in for just over 5 years with my now 5&7 year old. I ended up in a very complex and ultimately exhausting friendship//nonsexual partnership with the older kids' mother for a number of years before I also needed to walk away from that for my own sanity. As my close friend who was there for me throughout all this drama has said - my turnaround time for shitty situations keeps getting shorter. Progress, I say!
Anyway, after rereading the thread from 2013 for perspective, I feel the situation at hand might benefit from the wisdom of you amazing folks.
However, this will be a long one, fair warning.
Backstory:
My partner (K male, straight, early 40s) and I have been together for close to three years. I made my poly orientation clear to him from the start. He had several relationships in tandem to a very long term one and was receptive and accepting that I am poly and that's who I am, and we will cross the multiple relationship bridge when we come to it. We've had other sex partners, it's been no problem handling that. He is not live in or a parent to my kids. I have shared custody with G, my kids' dad (H has been out of the picture for over two years now) so in the times where I don't have the kids I basically move into K's house so between 2 and 4 days a week, alternating weeks. He is with me at my home on Fridays and often the weekend where I have the kids.
After shifting away from my relationship with the older kids mom, my life has begun to revolve around social events with a group of friends I met through K: M (single straight male late 40s) R (single straight woman late 40s) D (Single straight man early 40s). I have them over for dinner most Friday nights, We hang out in some configuration most Saturdays, have occasional overnights as a group at my cottage, at K's, and K,R,D and i have a weekly event we attend every Sunday night. We coordinate all of this through a Facebook group chat we all talk in daily. It's been like this for around two years.
Around 18 months ago I developed a pretty strong crush on D, which I discussed with K once I was sure it was a THING. Now D is a special character (and this is probably why I was so drawn to him) in that he's smart, funny, good looking, successful, kinda the "whole package" kind of guy who has only had one significant relationship in his life, around ten years ago. Why is he single? Is he opting to be alone, or is it something more complex? He's very private and reserved in many ways, who IS he even?
Around six months ago or so R and I started openly talking about him, his mystery, how attractive he is, acknowledged our crushes on him. He was fun to talk about! And here he is, one to four times a week, in our lives, giving us more to ponder, to swoon over, etc. It was always acknowledged that if either of us had a chance to 'take things to another level' we would, but we never really thought it would happen.
But then, of course, it did. On the 30th of December we had our usual Sunday night event, and R went home early and K,D and I stayed late. K wasn't staying at mine that night and D and I left together and I offered to share a cab home. He agreed and since it was unusual for him to agree especially since he's not really on my way home, I decided to make an attempt. I cuddled up to him. Leaned on him. He leaned back. We held hands the whole drive home and then he bolted when we arrived at his place. ( I mean it was 3 am but like - holding hands in the cab was a bit of a BIG deal)
The next day I asked if we could talk and decided I'd tell him about my feelings. He said he didn't think he could do poly, that he's terrible at relationships, it would be a bad idea for ME to get involved with him.
Then we spent 3 hours drinking and having a heart to heart and ended up in bed and having sex.
Everyone was coming over for pre NYE party dinner at his place so we cleaned up and K, R, D and I had dinner then headed out to the party.
Here, things got interesting. There are a lot of details I won't get into because I'm already being insanely long winded but basically he and I had a very romantic dance and new years kiss and then I told R via text what had happened earlier in the day. He was flirting back with R super hard and she asked me if I wanted her to stop and I was like "no, have fun, who IS he even right now?!" And. Then. He. Took. Her. Home.
What.
So the next morning, as she was arriving home from spending the night in his bed, was a whirlwind of processing for me and her (K was still asleep) and I went over to see him later in the day to figure out where we stood and wtf was happening even. He told me he'd like to try things out, take it slow, and then we went to bed and had sex again.
And then. He withdrew from everyone. Almost completely. To process and figure out where he was at, and came out the other end of an agonizing week of processing for me, K and R with a decision to pursue nothing with anyone. So now we're in this limbo where he can't DEAL but is clearly attracted to both me and R and everything feels hella unstable and up in the air.
All my competition for affection and emotional abandonment shit is triggered. I am only now feeling somewhat stabilized. I don't know how to lean in to this new paradigm of sexual tension in our group of friends. I feel still so deeply drawn to him. He has not talked to K, his friend of over 20 years, about having sex with his GF. He doesn't seem to really know how he feels except RUN and 'lets go back to how things were' and 'this can only end badly'
WHAT DO? Thoughts anyone?
tl:dr of that thread: I was in a super toxic and disrespectful triad while pregnant and caring for my partner's three kids (four if you count the unborn one. Two mine, two from a previous relationship) while he focused on indulging a new dysfunctional relationship and all it's complicated demands. They gaslighted me and forced me to be the only one processing and actually DOING ethical non mono while they just did whatever they wanted and disregarded my needs. It was horrible.
But I got the fuck out of there and survived, thrived, started building my career and new life for myself and am now in the same home I've been in for just over 5 years with my now 5&7 year old. I ended up in a very complex and ultimately exhausting friendship//nonsexual partnership with the older kids' mother for a number of years before I also needed to walk away from that for my own sanity. As my close friend who was there for me throughout all this drama has said - my turnaround time for shitty situations keeps getting shorter. Progress, I say!
Anyway, after rereading the thread from 2013 for perspective, I feel the situation at hand might benefit from the wisdom of you amazing folks.
However, this will be a long one, fair warning.
Backstory:
My partner (K male, straight, early 40s) and I have been together for close to three years. I made my poly orientation clear to him from the start. He had several relationships in tandem to a very long term one and was receptive and accepting that I am poly and that's who I am, and we will cross the multiple relationship bridge when we come to it. We've had other sex partners, it's been no problem handling that. He is not live in or a parent to my kids. I have shared custody with G, my kids' dad (H has been out of the picture for over two years now) so in the times where I don't have the kids I basically move into K's house so between 2 and 4 days a week, alternating weeks. He is with me at my home on Fridays and often the weekend where I have the kids.
After shifting away from my relationship with the older kids mom, my life has begun to revolve around social events with a group of friends I met through K: M (single straight male late 40s) R (single straight woman late 40s) D (Single straight man early 40s). I have them over for dinner most Friday nights, We hang out in some configuration most Saturdays, have occasional overnights as a group at my cottage, at K's, and K,R,D and i have a weekly event we attend every Sunday night. We coordinate all of this through a Facebook group chat we all talk in daily. It's been like this for around two years.
Around 18 months ago I developed a pretty strong crush on D, which I discussed with K once I was sure it was a THING. Now D is a special character (and this is probably why I was so drawn to him) in that he's smart, funny, good looking, successful, kinda the "whole package" kind of guy who has only had one significant relationship in his life, around ten years ago. Why is he single? Is he opting to be alone, or is it something more complex? He's very private and reserved in many ways, who IS he even?
Around six months ago or so R and I started openly talking about him, his mystery, how attractive he is, acknowledged our crushes on him. He was fun to talk about! And here he is, one to four times a week, in our lives, giving us more to ponder, to swoon over, etc. It was always acknowledged that if either of us had a chance to 'take things to another level' we would, but we never really thought it would happen.
But then, of course, it did. On the 30th of December we had our usual Sunday night event, and R went home early and K,D and I stayed late. K wasn't staying at mine that night and D and I left together and I offered to share a cab home. He agreed and since it was unusual for him to agree especially since he's not really on my way home, I decided to make an attempt. I cuddled up to him. Leaned on him. He leaned back. We held hands the whole drive home and then he bolted when we arrived at his place. ( I mean it was 3 am but like - holding hands in the cab was a bit of a BIG deal)
The next day I asked if we could talk and decided I'd tell him about my feelings. He said he didn't think he could do poly, that he's terrible at relationships, it would be a bad idea for ME to get involved with him.
Then we spent 3 hours drinking and having a heart to heart and ended up in bed and having sex.
Everyone was coming over for pre NYE party dinner at his place so we cleaned up and K, R, D and I had dinner then headed out to the party.
Here, things got interesting. There are a lot of details I won't get into because I'm already being insanely long winded but basically he and I had a very romantic dance and new years kiss and then I told R via text what had happened earlier in the day. He was flirting back with R super hard and she asked me if I wanted her to stop and I was like "no, have fun, who IS he even right now?!" And. Then. He. Took. Her. Home.
What.
So the next morning, as she was arriving home from spending the night in his bed, was a whirlwind of processing for me and her (K was still asleep) and I went over to see him later in the day to figure out where we stood and wtf was happening even. He told me he'd like to try things out, take it slow, and then we went to bed and had sex again.
And then. He withdrew from everyone. Almost completely. To process and figure out where he was at, and came out the other end of an agonizing week of processing for me, K and R with a decision to pursue nothing with anyone. So now we're in this limbo where he can't DEAL but is clearly attracted to both me and R and everything feels hella unstable and up in the air.
All my competition for affection and emotional abandonment shit is triggered. I am only now feeling somewhat stabilized. I don't know how to lean in to this new paradigm of sexual tension in our group of friends. I feel still so deeply drawn to him. He has not talked to K, his friend of over 20 years, about having sex with his GF. He doesn't seem to really know how he feels except RUN and 'lets go back to how things were' and 'this can only end badly'
WHAT DO? Thoughts anyone?