Poly or not?

The good thing is, everybody's kids are grown and out of the way. That's a major hurdle gone right there. Second, the other wife doesn't know? Uh, ohhh, that could be trouble.. Women have divorced guys just because of "virtual" affairs, even though the people involved never even meet. I'd be worried if I were him.

It's great that you and your wife have reconnected after so many years. My wife and I found that also. It's a shame that couples fall into that rut, but we are all guilty of it. Life changes, we change. You're not the same person 30 years later. Face it, if we were all happy and content with our lives, none of us would be looking for this forum. For many of us, when something is missing, we go looking. Others just muddle through life bored out of their pea-pickin' minds. I see couples every day married for 30, 40, 50+ years and they can't even stand to be around each other. Grumpy, angry, unhappy and uncaring at the end of their lives, it's what they've done for so long, they don't know any other way. Sad.
 
VC, you make some very good and thoughtful points. I'm glad we guys have a woman around here to keep us thinking outside our box.
 
VC,

Thanks for your input. First, I'm still recovering from having found out about this situation by accident. That part makes me a little nervous. Since I was deceived once, it might happen again.

My wife is still getting used to having me involved. I haven't talked to or emailed the other guy. I would like to, in some ways, but in other ways, I can see how my wife might feel like I'm invading her privacy.

I understand completely what you mean by, "Don't get upset over things you can't do anything about," but I still have a tendency to do it anyway.
 
RG,

Invading her privacy? Does she want to be and live poly with you or does she just want to have an affair behind your back and the other guy's wife's back? This sounds a little fishy to me.
 
Dang, that's harsh. Hmm, let me ask you this: does she seem genuinely sorry for having hurt you over this and is she obviously trying to help reassure you?

If you're truly trying to be poly, talk to her about wanting to email him. My thoughts would be, if you tell her you want this to help you be okay and she wants to help ease things, she should be open to respecting your wishes, perhaps a bit timid at first. It shouldn't be you invading anything. It should her being as open as you both want her to be, so you can make this work

So far, it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. But she should be making sure you're okay with things too, sharing the cake, so to speak. Sit down, discuss, let her know what you want to be okay with this and make sure she shares as much as you need/want her to. It's a two-way street. You don't have to just give and give. She should give, too.

It sounds like you two really need to talk, openly and honestly. You're very awesome in wanting to give so much. Just don't forget to take some back too. Please try not to stress. Think of something else.

*hugs*
 
It seems to me that there's a fine line between privacy and honesty, in this situation. I mean, I can't monitor every conversation they have, but I'm still interested. I understand that some of the specific things they say to each other are not really my business.

She is sorry for betraying me, and she is trying to help make this work, but she's still hesitant to really involve me. Part of her nervousness is related to my reaction when I first found out. I was not angry, just hurt, disappointed. I think she could have dealt with anger more easily.

And you may be right about "having her cake and eating it too." I think she prefers to have this emotional affair out of my sight, and to keep most of the details of our marriage out of his sight; two separate loves, rather than two shared loves.
 
That sounds about right. It may work for her, but not for you. It sounds like you three have some talking to do, and let's not forget the fourth person either. I guess there are different kinds of Vs, triads, quads, for different groups. But again, if they are indeed two or three separate loves, rather than shared loves, is it not just an open marriage? It sounds like your wife and her long-distance lover don't yet know what they want.
 
I know the term "secondary" is frowned upon, but I use it to describe myself as quick and easily as I can. As Redpepper's secondary, I would not be at all comfortable without having a healthy relationship with her husband.

I had a long-term affair at the end of my 16-year marriage, and there is a similar energy to how I feel your wife's relationship is shaped. If his wife doesn't know, then they are both in an affair. In my opinion, she may be polyamorous, but is not in a polyamorous relationship, because of the secrecy and dishonesty involved.

On the flip side, I am not polyamorous, but am in a polyamorous relationship because of our openness and honesty.

Although I believe there has to be privacy in poly relationships and am comfortable with that, for me, the concept of secrecy or completely “separate lives” is not one that I would be comfortable with. But that's just me.

I hope you work your way through this and everyone is healthy and happy.
 
Redpepper is extremely busy, so I sometimes pass her thoughts along. Here are her thoughts on the situation, with respect to your wife's relationship with this man without his wife knowing.

"To me, their love is a fallacy. Any love based on deception is not love (it's wishing), and not poly. I'm a bit anxious and desperate now to let that couple know they are harming each other. How could they be so naïve? So distressing. All I can think of is the overwhelming sense of loss, deception, abandonment that wife is going to feel. More negativity put out into the world. More damage done."
 
He and his wife have not been getting along well for years, or so I'm told. That does concern me, and my wife doesn't really like being the other woman. But she would rather be his secret friend than to lose him again. I can see that as long as he and my wife are living far apart, and never see each other, that the secret could continue. I know that some famous people have had secret correspondence that continued for many, many years. But I would feel better if it were not a secret.
 
Then the answer to your initial question is relatively simple in my humble opinion.

This is not poly.

Neither your wife nor her friend are acting in a manner indicative of the openness and honesty of a polyamorous relationship. Secrets are not the way to solve issues in a marriage. I should know. I destroyed a 16 year marriage and wounded the hearts of my wife and daughter because of where my "secrets" took me.

Best of luck
 
Here's a definition:
the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

If "everyone involved" includes his wife, then no, the relationship is not poly. But if you limit "involved" to include only my wife, and her two loves, then it would be poly, for her. Is that playing with semantics?
 
It's playing with semantics. Why would you even ask the question if it were not? How is it that the other guy's wife is "involved" any less than you are? Just because she isn't privy to all the action doesn't make her "not involved". And I don't think a "poly relationship" can be truly "poly" to one of the participants and be an "affair" to one of the other participants.

It is what it is, but you obviously seem to have misgivings about this aspect of the relationship. You probably know all these answers deep down inside already. Sometimes people need to ask others for a reality check, and that is OK.
 
Raleigh Guy,

I think Redpepper (via Mono) put my thoughts into words better than I did. She said it exactly. If this other guy and his wife haven't gotten along well in years, why haven't they divorced? Would he move back to be near your wife, RG, or would she leave you to go be with him? There could be a lot of pain here, like Redpepper says.
 
Your wife's definition of poly does not fit mine, as I want both women living under the same roof with me. I wouldn't feel right having to drive 100 miles or more to see another women. That would feel like I was going out of town to have an affair.
I drive quite far to see my boyfriend Mono, but he also drives here and spends time with my family and does things for us, as we do for him. I don't at all feel like I am cheating. In fact, I enjoy that I have an OH (other home). I go to it and relax. To me, it is like a holiday; time I can completely immerse myself in my boyfriend.
 
I suppose there is the chance that I may be wrong, maybe he's really a great guy. (it's possible that he's not the guy she thinks he is, since they haven't seen each for many years) Still, they have this emotional connection, and I'm trying to be supportive and helpful.

You are quite a remarkable man to go to such effort.

My husband has gone to much effort for me in similar situations of past loves coming back into my life over and over again, and even new ones out of old friendships. I have to tell you, though, that I have traveled to see if they are worth pursuing for the long term several times, and each time it has proven to me that the relationships were better suited to online. All three times (twice with the same woman and once with an old friend), I have been disillusioned and ended up disappointed. I suggest that perhaps she will go through that same thing.

Having said that, I have a friend who only has online romances and visits her lovers often. It seems to work for her.
 
These are my thoughts, not my feelings

Thanks to Mono for posting my thoughts. This whole thing has indeed made my stomach churn.

If I ruled the world, I would have your wife back right away from this thing, and put it to this long-distance "love" that he is to leave his wife first without telling her that he is having an affair. There might be some small chance that she will come away undamaged and with her dignity and self worth intact, after dedicating a good part of her life to a marriage that has faded in passion.

Marriages are not always meant to last forever, when a couple loses touch with one another and the raising kids thing is over. But to me it is never the right thing to take the "easy" route and have an affair. It's cowardly and creates a "difficult" route in its wake. It has harmed generations at this point.

Poly could put an end to that kind of pain being passed on. It creates larger family, more love between its members and keeps passion alive. If this is not happening in what someone calls their poly relationship, in all corners of that relationship, then it is not poly and gives poly a bad rap.

Seriously, and with a ton of respect, because I think you must love your wife very much and are admirable for sticking with her, are you not concerned about the whole online thing? The online thing can confuse the mind and makes one virtually love an "idea" of a person. They can be created into anything. It is very addictive and controlling.

She is showing all the symptoms of that, to me, and is behaving disrespectfully to you and the life you have built with one another, as a result. Not to mention, behaving disrespectfully to the wife of this old flame. I would be worried about her statement of love for you still. She has been deceptive already and I would find it hard to believe her again.

Still, you know her better than anyone. I'm sure she is a lovely person.

As far as the emailing this dude-- go for it. There is no privacy issue here. I think you should be looking at this as if he is living in the same city, because to her the distance is nothing and they will eventually find a way to be together. Either you get involved and start setting your boundaries in this thing, or trouble will arise and you could be short a wife. Emailing and putting a bit of a reality check in there would be highly appropriate. They both need that, I think. Hell, you need it, don't you?

Okay, enough ranting from me. I get so passionate.

Good luck. I'm rooting for you, and the prevailing good for all four of you. (It is four. Rest assured, even those who are oblivious are being affected. They just don't know it yet!)
 
I drive quite far to see my boyfriend Mono, but he also drives here and spends time with my family and does things for us, as we do for him. I don't at all feel like I am cheating. In fact, I enjoy that I have an OH (other home). I go to it and relax. It's like a holiday; time I can completely immerse myself in my boyfriend.

Redpepper, I wouldn't consider your situation cheating, even though you drive a good distance to see Mono, because your husband knows what you're doing. In that other relationship, the other guy's wife has no clue. To me, that's a cheating situation.
 
Seriously, and with a ton of respect, because I think you must love your wife very much and are admirable for sticking with her, are you not concerned about the whole online thing? The online thing can confuse the mind and makes one virtually loving of an "idea" of a person.. They can be created into anything. It is very addictive and controlling. She is showing all the symptoms of that, to me, and is behaving disrespectfully to you and the life you have built with one another.

I have mentioned to her, and she has acknowledged, that she's in love with a fantasy. In her mind, there is a composite of the man she knew years ago, the man she has imagined ever since, and the man she has discovered through the online connection. This makes her tentative in the things she is willing to say to him, or ask him, since she doesn't want to wake up and destroy the fantasy.

Addictive is a good word, too. That may be a part of why she resisted so fiercely when I initially tried to stop the correspondence.
 
I have mentioned to her, and she has acknowledged, that she's in love with a fantasy...

This all sounds way to familiar to me. I was very covetous of the computer and very angry when anyone came between me and my time with it. Haha, hard to believe now. I feel like an idiot. I have a patient husband who must love me dearly to have put up with me during that time. I totally made a fantasy out of scraps of an old life and a youthful love that was no longer. I was looking for connection, and so was she, and he. I have found that with Mono and a life that is at home, I don't need to search online. Perhaps a long conversation about where you are both going and what you want/need would be in order, to get her into reality and back on a path that is real.
 
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