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Old 07-31-2017, 01:18 AM
Britt Britt is offline
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Default Confused bisexual

Hello,
I am 22, bisexual female, I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past three years with my boyfriend. I am bisexual, and over the last couple months, I have had thoughts and desires to search for a relationship with a women. Now I don't have any desire to leave my current relationship, I am very happy with where we are now. We did have a rough patch about a year ago when I found out that he had been talking to another girl for a sort period of time, but after conversation and time we have moved past that.
Well I have done research and some soul searching and have come upon the decision that I desire a poly relationship, I have discussed it with my boyfriend and he has voiced concerns.
He States he doesn't want to be a third wheel or feel inadequate. He also feels guilty if he was to say he isn't interested because of his "cheating" in the past.
I current have feelings of guilt because I desire to be alone another relationship, but can't stop being curious of what a relationship would be like with a girl-friend.
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Old 07-31-2017, 01:54 AM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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Hi Britt,

Welcome to the forums. For obvious reasons, bisexuality is proportionately more common in polyamory than in monogamy. I hope you find these forums to be useful.

I'm sorry to hear about the emotional infidelity that you and your boyfriend went through. I'm glad to hear that you've moved past that but I also hear you say that your boyfriend doesn't want to do polyamory right now primarily because of the issues surrounding the emotional infidelity recently. Maybe those wounds that he caused you are still fresh. My wife and I are similar and are closed in our relationship status for now while we heal.

You will get many different types of advice on this forum. I anticipate that there will be people who will start asking you the hard questions of what you want or what you need. Others will also caution you to listen to your boyfriend if he says he doesn't want polyamory. Yet others might say that people change and your boyfriend may eventually come to see the upside of polyamory, though you probably shouldn't hope for that outcome since it might set a false expectation.

I think for the moment empathy will be the most helpful. Try and find why your boyfriend feels uncomfortable with polyamory. Is it just the infidelity a year ago between you two? Has he been cheated on in the past? What about his parents and childhood? You mentioned that he didn't want to feel like a third wheel - that's a strange reaction honestly. Well, not that strange, but it tells me he thinks he will be discarded in a poly relationship. It speaks of low security and low self esteem. These are all issues that will probably need to be explored before polyamory.

Kind thoughts,
Shaya.
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Old 07-31-2017, 02:00 AM
Britt Britt is offline
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Default Confused bisexual

Well, I am his first relationship, so he doesn't have any experience being cheated on, his parents are married and have been married happily for over 30 years.
He stated that he would feel jealous in a poly relationship, and I know how I felt when I found out he was talking to another women, so I validate those feelings.
He has stated that he understands that my desires are to be with a women and that is not his fault and nothing he can do to fullfil them, he has said in the past that he wouldn't be opposed to me having a sexual experience with a women but doesn't quite know how he feels right now about an ongoing relationship.
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Old 07-31-2017, 05:13 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Hi Britt,

It sounds like your boyfriend's main reservation is with the idea of you getting emotionally involved with someone. If you just have a sexual experience with someone, that part doesn't seem to bother him so much. How do you feel about that? Are you okay with limiting yourself to just a sexual experience, or do you desire emotional involvement as well?

I am thinking that the thing to do for now is to keep talking with your boyfriend about this. It may take awhile for the two of you to come to an agreement. Maybe even a year, I wouldn't be surprised. And, it's possible that you won't be able to come to an agreement. You will have to decide what to do about it at that point, whether breaking up is the next step at that point.

I hope the two of you can work something out together.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-31-2017, 06:04 PM
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Alba Alba is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Britt,

I am thinking that the thing to do for now is to keep talking with your boyfriend about this.
I agree with Kevin. Keep talking with your boyfriend. Since you don't want to preserve the current relationship talking is the only option you have.
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Old 07-31-2017, 07:57 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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The best advice I can give is to have patience and practice great communication.
What I'm finding during my time in transition to conscious polyamory is the more my husband and I talk and the slower we go the better our relationship is.
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BathedInSalt: 36,f,bi,poly
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My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi, ex
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,ex-partner to Sir


My Blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=mistake+time
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