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  #31  
Old 07-05-2017, 10:38 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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I'm not sure how much of that resonates or is even helpful in my situation.
One of the parts of poly that I enjoyed the most was not feeling like these feelings were wrong in some way.
That there isn't something broken in me.
It is very interesting though. Thank you for the links and thoughts.
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SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi, ex
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
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  #32  
Old 07-06-2017, 01:13 AM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BathedInSalt View Post
One of the parts of poly that I enjoyed the most was not feeling like these feelings were wrong in some way.
My wife found this to be one of the most useful concepts of poly as well. Suddenly, she didn't have to feel guilty about feelings for other men. In addition, poly gave her a way in which to ethically manage these feelings that monogamy would insist you sweep under the rug.

Given we're still mono, we've obviously found other healthy ways of dealing with these feelings, but I don't think a lengthy discussion of that belongs in this thread on a polyamory board.
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  #33  
Old 07-06-2017, 03:23 PM
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BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If you mean you want to be in a Closed marriage, where it is just you and husband. And husband is Open enough for you -- like willing to listen and talk about your poly thoughts and feelings without wigging out or it being a big thing? And you are Closed enough for him -- no dating other people? Maybe that's a place to come to compromise because you don't feel bottled up inside or like you cannot breathe.
I wanted to clarify, that I think I could be happy in a relationship like this.
I still worry that even this kind of relationship will leave me resentful. Dissatisfaction will result in acting out.

In this scenario I would have to make different choices, do different things.

I will have to guard my heart.
For reasons not due to anything related to poly I had been closed off emotionally. I wasn't feeling things fully. In the last couple years specifically I've been focused on healing physically and spiritually. The things I've done to open up there have got me feeling all the feelings again. All this to say I don't have an idea what balance between being emotionally distant and emotionally open would be. I want my heart in a yard with a fence, not in an open field or in a concrete tower. My heart in an open field is why I consider my natural state. I've had to learn to protect it, but I think I buried it a few years ago.
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BathedInSalt: 36,f,bi,poly
Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi, ex
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,ex-partner to Sir


My Blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=mistake+time
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  #34  
Old 07-06-2017, 04:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I wanted to clarify, that I think I could be happy in a relationship like this.
Could talk to husband and see if this is a place where you could both thrive.

Quote:
All this to say I don't have an idea what balance between being emotionally distant and emotionally open would be.
Are you able to be emotionally honest with husband?

Quote:
I still worry that even this kind of relationship will leave me resentful. Dissatisfaction will result in acting out.
You could think about a plan. What to do if you are growing resentful. So you can either resolve the resentments or step away from the relationship so you don't have to fear acting out.

You are in charge of your behaviors. If you don't want to act out, you don't have to. It's possible to nip problems in the bud. Or take the pot off the burner before it boils over.

What would that look like for you?

Quote:
I want my heart in a yard with a fence, not in an open field or in a concrete tower.
That's having flexible boundaries. Not entirely walled off from the world. Not letting everyone run all over you like you are a door mat. But having a waist high fence with a gate so you can see the passersby and talk with them and invite the ones you want closer in.

Galagirl
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