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Old 07-12-2016, 02:44 PM
awkwardisaster awkwardisaster is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2
Unhappy New relationship issue

My husband and I are in our first poly triad. We have been together 10 years and married for 5. I grew up Catholic and was raised to believe that polyamory and gays were part of the devil's plan to get me into hell. *eye roll* I have known I was bisexual since the age of 12 but never accepted it until I was maybe 18(?) and even now as a 30 year old I'm not completely out of the closet to my family. I told my husband after us being together 3 years and recently within the last year that I felt strongly about being poly. I met my girlfriend about 2 months ago and things hit off great! I was up front with her about what my long term goal was and she was perfectly ok with it. She met my husband and they got along great. After a month I officially asked her to be my girlfriend. When her and my husband talked about their relationship they decided to not label it. We all agreed that she could see other guys as long as she was protected. Things have been great! until about 2 weeks ago... I started noticing that she initiates sex more often with him, sometimes on his lunch break when I'm not home, and also when I'm "asleep". Whenever I try to initiate anything physical I get no reaction. Lately she has been distant physically and I don't know what to do.
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Old 07-12-2016, 03:04 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,904

She may like him more.
She may not be into you.
She maybe a cowgirl looking to make off with your husband.
I could go on and on.

Basically my point is we are not able to read your girlfriends mind. Sit down have a grown up conversation with her about your relationship.
40 something straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 07-12-2016, 03:11 PM
awkwardisaster awkwardisaster is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2

Thanks... I know that's what I need to do but I'm the type of person that will avoid any type of confrontation. Ugh! I hate adulting
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Old 07-12-2016, 04:48 PM
MrMatou MrMatou is offline
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NE Oregon
Posts: 39

Ugh! I hate adulting
Thanks, that made me laugh this morning. Boy don't we all share that sentiment a lot.
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Old 07-12-2016, 08:38 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,753

Hi awkwardisaster,

Can you be okay with the possibility that she has fallen into love with your husband and out of love with you? It wouldn't be like a sinister plot, just something that happens to people. And she may be afraid to admit to you (or even herself) what has happened.

Could your husband continue to have this girlfriend, while you have another girlfriend? Something to think about.

I hope you guys can get it all worked out.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 07-14-2016, 04:40 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724

Until abiding trust & deep communication begin, it's not polyamory, just f@cking around.
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
fallen into love with your husband and out of love with you
I feel there's possible confusion of "love" with NRE here.

Societal programming being what it is, I figure there's plenty of people who have no problems being in love with more than one, but kinda suck at properly maintaining multiple relatings when NRE strikes.
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Old 07-17-2016, 07:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I'm wondering how and why she got involved with your husband when she was your girlfriend. You are aware that being poly and partnered does not require that someone be involved with both of you?

That being said, this scenario is very common.

It's kind of impossible and unreasonable to expect someone to have the same level of feelings for two people in a couple at the same time. Attractions and attachments wax and wane. It's only natural.

But mostly we see this happening when a couple presents the opportunity for a relationship as a package deal ONLY. So, if a person is really into just one of them, but only sorta-maybe into the other, yet is told the only way to get jiggy with the one that floats their boat is to be with both, they'll sign up for it. However, eventually they can't pretend anymore because trying to please two people when you really only want one of them is exhausting. It also happens a lot when the woman isn't really bi but only going along with it just to be with the guy.

Sorry, but there are a gazillion stories like yours on this board that happen because of what I just described. So, you need to have a heartfelt, truthful convo with both of them present ASAP. Ask her if she's not really attracted to you, or to women, and really only wanted a relationship with him. Talk to him about whether you can pursue relationships without getting him involved. The only way to get clear is to speak up.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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confused, distant, newbie

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