Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-26-2013, 01:26 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,307

  • Hinge expressed what he wanted at this visit. Everyone all together for "family time."
  • GF expressed what she wanted at this visit. Her 2 week visit alone with him.
  • You expressed what you wanted at this visit. To give them space while she visits.

Up to there? 2 trump 1, so BF could deal with the fact that the ladies are not willing to participate in "family time" at this time on this particular visit. Maybe some other visit. It isn't like visits are gonna RUN OUT right?

He could let it go this visit.

Along the way you have discovered a new want. You too want to have 2 weeks with the BF alone living together at some point on a little getaway thing -- even a staycation.

You could express this want to BF later when she leaves. He could meet the request once he's aware. He's not a mind reader -- you kinda have to make him aware.

Emotion is just internal weather. Could let it blow on through.

As for your motivation?
  • You could choose to be motivated by generosity of spirit -- like you originally were.
  • You could choose to be motivated by freak out scarcity mind set (when time with BF for you is actually not scarce)

Generosity of spirit serves you better -- could go with that.

You could try to keep this simpler and be generous with your hinge's time. TALK BACK when the Internal Voice starts telling you weirdness that unsettles you. Things like...
  • It's 2 weeks, not eternity.
  • I can always talk to BF to work out some goodnight phone calls or something help me endure the 2 weeks of less contact
  • I can remember my ORIGINAL want was to give them space because I live closer and get to have his time more often.
  • There's no "scarcity of BF time" here for me on my end of the V. I get to see him LOTS.
  • How I deal and interact with BF is naturally different than how she will deal and interact with BF. It isn't because I am "less than." It is because the time available to (him+her) is less than what (him + I) get.
  • I can reassure my own self.
  • Shut the hell up, stupid Internal Voice. I am not my thoughts. I am the one DOING THE THINKING. I'm the boss. So take that!

You could let it go and accept in this "uneven time share V" you get the "more time" side of the V.

If part of it is that you want BF or meta to SEE you -- could ask them to thank you and acknowledge that you are trying to play well here. Maybe you want to be SEEN and your effort you put into this polyship considered, acknowledged, and appreciated.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-26-2013 at 01:50 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 07-26-2013, 02:33 PM
ShyOne ShyOne is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4

Thank you for the responses so far.

I think the point about the scarcity mindset is interesting. And, I definitely agree with that. I don’t normally feel like there is scarcity of his time. My partner does have another local partner and various casual relationships, so I do still have to share his time on a regular basis. But, maybe hearing her desire for his full attention just flipped the on switch for the scarcity mindset.

My partner likes to say that fairness does not equal equality. I totally agree with that. And in this case, I am fully aware that having equal times with him is not fair. And that’s not my desire anyway. I know I can go two weeks without seeing him. He goes out of town often, and he’s been to see her for two weeks while we have been dating. However, I still have an irritation about it. Obviously, that’s going to be the area that I need to continue working on!
Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2013, 10:24 PM
bruisepristne's Avatar
bruisepristne bruisepristne is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 28
Default Sorry for the response delay

I was out of town. Thank you all for your replies, so much. I was actually thinking about going out with her, without him for a few reasons. I didnt want to be constantly watching their body language, or to wait and see if he kisses us both goodnight. Right or wrong, I know myself well enough to know that I will watch, and that isnt fair to anyone. I figured if we went out without him, then we could just get to know each other, if I have a relationship with any of these other women, I dont want it to be only because we happen to be dating the same person.
FindingMyselfInTheGrey: It does sound like we are in very similar places!
Thank you for sharing what happened with your casual meeting. It helped a lot, as I am still really scared about it all. I think when you have been 'mono' the majority of your life, you learn other women/men to be threats...not friends.
So, overcoming that whole, 'you're trying to take my man' or 'how is she BETTER than I am?' can be difficult to overcome.
I will definitely keep you posted as I have received so much help here, I hope to be able to pay it forward soon!!
"If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies & it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation." -Osho
Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2013, 08:47 PM
mewster's Avatar
mewster mewster is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8
Default thank you

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Remember that you are a fully functional human. You will be perfectly fine if you go a whole two weeks without a visit from him. Before you met him you were a fully functional human and went your whole life up until that point without seeing him... I'm sure you'd be able to tough out a couple of weeks.
I needed to read this today - thank you for giving support here and your most excellent non-standard, non-hetero field guide to queer non-monogamy (the link in your sig is terrific). as a woman involved exclusively with other women its a joy to read about others in the rainbow community who are doing this too. the inspiration and solidarity are splendid.

thank you thank you
little star
The world was made round so we cannot see too far ahead
Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2013, 03:31 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,475

I'm wondering how well he's doing at communicating his own wants to her. She expressed her desire to him to have him all to herself. He expressed to you his belief that this would be unfair. Has he expressed it to her?

I don't blame you for wanting to tread lightly. Making enemies out of her won't help anything, and if she's already jealous and taking the alpha female tactic, she may already be gearing up for a fight. That can only end poorly.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to request a night out with him, and for him to simply tell her that it's going to happen. It's his life, he can choose how he spends his evenings, he doesn't need her permission. If she's grown-up enough to make the trip, then she can handle herself for one night.

It's also worth noting that although she's expressed this as a desire, that's not the same as expressing it as an expectation. Most people understand that there are all kinds of things we want and they can't always happen. If she can't handle not seeing him for one night, then she's got bigger personality issues than her selfishness.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2013, 04:41 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545

This could be one of those cases where you think, think, think about what might happen- but it might be better to let all the thinking go and just "do it". Just meet her and see how you like one another. See how your guy handles things. He is the one that wants the three of you to spend time together so some of the burden is on him to "entertain" you socially and facilitate things so to speak. Relax- take a few deep breaths and just do it.
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2013, 07:53 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 145
Default Baby steps

Originally Posted by toralatigra View Post
One question I have too is, if when we're talking and there's something I let them know I need to have in the relationship, but they counter with we/he can't meet that need all the time, let's say it's I need a date night every week. Does that mean that things are automatically doomed? or are there ways to compromise? I suppose this probably all depends on the people involved, but generally speaking, or possibly in your experiences, are people in poly relationships good at compromising?
Honestly, if you truly want to be a part of their lives....that can be a big commitment, even on YOUR part....maybe keep expectations low at the beginning?

You may feel you want to ease into it slowly, to be sure this is what you really want....
Reply With Quote

ldr, meeting a metamour, metamour, metamours, mono-poly, secondary, vees

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 06:42 AM.