Quad Family

Wow...sounds like you live in a bad area in regards to the honesty and communication level of these 'officials' you have been dealing with. Well, I'm glad your testing has come back okay so far. I'll send you healing and healthy vibes.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's unfortunate that your aunt felt the need to attempt to introduce any additional hardship or turmoil in your household. I think it's sad when people, especially those who have some sort of existing relationship with you, would rather cause a scene in your life than come to you personally to discuss their viewpoints on a situation, if that is the case. I, personally, weigh all of my relationships on a case-by-case basis without any biases due to relation or association. My family has been my best teachers regarding how untrustworthy and self-centered and ill-intended people can be so they don't get any special treatment. My chosen family are customized to the experience I want to have in life. :) I hope you have a great weekend.
 
This last weekend was full of arguing and making up, typical of a family. Asha was upset with the guys, just for typical guy stuff, there was much apologizing, but I think things are resolved now. It's actually nice to fight every once in a while to help reassure me that fighting doesn't equal the end of the world. After she pushed Easy and I away last weekend, I'd been torn between defensive anger and anxiety. I have to admit that I haven't had great examples of disagreeing in my life; growing up, one person won all the fights and everyone else was expected to grovel in submission. No one openly disagreed without a large argument ensuing.

Asha and I had a long discussion about how she's feeling like no one values her, and how we can resolve that. I tried very hard to only be responsible for my own relationship, but I did pass on some suggestions to Easy. I'm trying to let go and let them have a relationship mostly free of my interference.

Asha told me that Sunday might ask me to go out for Valentine's lunch. I was shocked and stunned. Things have been better between the two of us since November, but in no way did I ever think we were to the "be seen in public" stage. :) It might not happen. I'm not holding my breath.

However, it did make me think about what should happen on Valentine's Day. Easy and I made arrangements that I think I can live with for him and Asha to go out. Provided he ever gets around to asking. Boys.:rolleyes:

This was funny, and I have a limited audience to share it with: A couple of weeks ago, we were all having dinner at Asha and Sunday's house, and our male friend who's going through a divorce was there. We were talking and joking, I don't remember about what but it must have been poly in nature because Monkey looked at me with a confused look on her face and whispered, "Is he part of the group, too?" LOL! Like, "is he my new daddy?" Poor girl!
 
Well, Easy and Asha are on a date. I think this is their first "real", romantic date, where they get dressed up and go to a restaurant and the whole purpose is to spend time together and NOT to discuss schedules or other family members or anything like that. Yesterday I was a mess, I think because I have a lot of bad Valentine's history, and I was scared that today was going to be more of the same. He swears that it won't be that way. I'm doing all right so far--typically, he leaves me with the responsibility like watching children, running errands, and taking care of life, while he goes out and does something fun. Also, I end up giving up what's important to me because there isn't time for it or something else has to be accomplished or I just don't feel like I've made the priority list. In order to stay sane, I've decided that when he's out having fun, I'm going to be doing things for myself. I would love to go out and get my bi-annual haircut, but I waited too long and didn't get an appointment. Sigh. Also, I communicated my fears to Easy and he says he understands and it won't happen this time. I made a list of things that I needed to have happen to make me feel like I was a priority this Valentine's Day, which he says he's read. He says he will make sure that my needs get met today. So far, I'm doing all right.

I was taking an anti-depressant to alleviate a painful condition I have, but I was sad all of the time while I was taking it, so I didn't take it last night. (I already know that it leaves the body in about 24 hours, and the doctor said to take it as needed so I know I don't have to take it every day.) I'm so much better today that I think it was definitely making me down. That's disappointing for me, because it does help with the pain. But that's probably why I was *such* a mess yesterday.

I wish that hair salon would call me back and say, why yes, we do have an appointment available for you and we can style and color your hair just in time for Easy to get home. :)

Sunday is a goober. He did finally ask me out--last night, at dinner, he leaned over and said, "So, Monday? About noonish?" Literally. I had a flashback to every bad romantic teen comedy made in the 80's. First, that he just assumes that I'm going to have saved the date JUST IN CASE he decided to ask me out, second that he can ask less than 48hrs in advance and I'll jump at it, and third that I'm just supposed to say yes and not ask questions--like, even, what restaurant. Of course, I did all of that, so I'm really hoping that doesn't make me completely pathetic. At least he's really taking me to a restaurant, and not Chipotle or something. Which would have been fine, but maybe a bit more casual than one would hope. Now, since we're both such stunning conversationalists, I fully anticipate long, awkward silences. I wish I was a bit more...I don't know, graceful? Articulate?

Okay, my phone isn't ringing. I guess I'm going to have to give up on the stunning new look for Valentine's.
 
Happy Valentine's Day Lemon. :)
I hope it all works out nice.
Try to just relax and enjoy the time away-even if there isn't a conversation going.
 
So, I'm showered, I'm lotioned, I'm scented. I'm wearing make-up and jewelry. My shirt is so low-cut that I have to wear a matching bra, and my skirt is so tight that I have to hobble. I thought I looked pretty awesome.

Easy hit the door and said something along the lines of, "Oh hey honey, you look nice."

Granted, I didn't write that I wanted some attention and enthusiasm in my little list. I just made a list of the physical things I wanted, like eating out. Am I stupid? Is it impossible to expect my husband to be blown away by the way I look after 20 years of marriage? I just told him yesterday that I was so sick of being invisible.
 
Lemondrop,

You have quite a talent with words. I read recent posts here, but I'll need time to place these in context. But I wanted to invite you to join us at the thread on the book, "Radical Acceptance". You'll understand why as soon as you've read a chapter or two.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=66129

Hugs!
 
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Sweetheart-I bet you look SMASHING!
I on the other hand am wearing a worn thin summer dress (as a nightie) with a pair of white jogging socks. :) I'm curled up under a blanket eating Peanut butter with fresh strawberry sandwhich.

HUGS!
 
Holding myself in love the way I do ... He comes to me with tenderness and kisses.
 
It all turned out okay. :)

I pouted for a few minutes, then I got mad and informed him that I looked too darn pretty to be treated with anything less than the best. I think he found it amusing and enjoyed being at my beck and call all evening. A great time was had, much sushi eaten, and I'm stuffed to the gills. I think Easy got a kick out of it every time I looked down my nose at him and informed him that I was too pretty to be hanging out at the dollar theater or the dollar store, LOL--because he actually suggested we run some errands while we were out! Crazy man.

LR, as long as you are happy with what you are wearing, and are getting some much-needed self-love, then your nightdress and jogging socks are the most beautiful clothes in the world. :) I hope you're having a good getaway! Mmmm..peanut butter and strawberries....

River, I'll check out Radical Acceptance, but I'm a little leery of anything with "radical" in the name.
 
Radical Acceptance is in at the Library. :)

My date with Sunday didn't happen. He called to cancel, telling me that a mutual friend--Asha's best friend--was in the hospital for chest pains. (He's going through a divorce and it was his wife's birthday, so we were pretty sure that he was suffering anxiety, but better safe than sorry) The date didn't get rescheduled, I presume because he was busy. Asha was fairly sick, so sick that I was picking the kids up from school, so I'm going to have to assume he had a lot on his mind. Sunday said we would try again this week, but I'm horribly busy this week, so now I'm debating cancelling some of the activities I have planned in order to get this date taken care of. But really I'm against that--I didn't plan the activities to spite anyone, and they were there first. Anyway, I haven't heard any specific dates mentioned yet so I'll have to wait and see what happens. I spoke to Asha earlier and she's much more ill now, so I think there's a possibility that this week won't happen either. I'm not sure how I feel about it, because it's triggering an older issue I used to have with Easy. He would cancel repeatedly, always for a "good" reason, but the end result was that my needs would go by the wayside. I think I'm doing okay with dealing with the trigger, which is a huge step forward for me if it holds. I keep telling myself that I'm in control, that if I don't make the priority list at some point then *I will take care of myself*. It helps to have Easy to shower some attention on me when I want it, though. Maybe that's cheating.

Because Asha was so sick and Easy was out of work for nearly a week with his own illness, I requested that we not spend the weekend at Asha and Sunday's house. Easy resisted, but eventually gave in, so I had a lot of guilty. I know he and Asha don't get a lot of time together, and there was a possiblity that he'd already been exposed to what she had. It helps to know that she probably wasn't feeling up for company anyway, and honestly we can't afford for him to lose any more time from work.

I had more to write about earlier, but as is typical of me, by the time I get time to write I've forgotten what it was.
 
It all turned out okay. :)


LR, as long as you are happy with what you are wearing, and are getting some much-needed self-love, then your nightdress and jogging socks are the most beautiful clothes in the world. :) I hope you're having a good getaway! Mmmm..peanut butter and strawberries....

I'm glad that it all turned out ok. :)

I had a great getaway. A much needed break, found some clarity, got my head straightened out a bit and am back on track with my life.

Don't know about everyone else, but at least I got me straight!
 
The date didn't happen. We rescheduled for today, but it's snowing so he's going to take off work early so he can get home early, so no lunch.

I'm in an unhappy place, so I'm keeping my mouth shut and eating carbs. I held out for an entire morning. I'm not responding to other threads in the hopes that I won't spread unhappiness. But, I will satisfy my urge to say...I hate double standards, so I try very hard not to ask my partners to do anything that I wouldn't be willing or able to do. So, I know how hard it is to walk away from NRE in order to keep from hurting someone, from first-hand experience.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth upholding that standard, because it doesn't seem like it matters to anyone but me.
 
Just got home from Asha and Sunday's house. I'm in a better place, but still unhappy. Asha is going on a trip for ten days starting next weekend, but Sunday made it clear that he intends to spend a lot of time alone while she's gone. Then, I found out that he's going skiing with someone else next Saturday. I think we're going to have to have a talk which he will find unhappy, but first I need to do some thinking. I just don't even know what to think.

He gave me a Valentine's Day present, and it was really cute. The card was wonderful, and I thought it really spoke to the qualities I like about myself. But now I kind of wonder if I'm kidding myself.

Asha and I kind of argued a bit. She wants us to go on a 7-day rafting trip that she has planned, and I don't really want to. She argued that I couldn't possibly know whether I'd like it if I've never done it before, and I argued that I've camped, and I've slept on the ground, and the only thing I haven't done is raft. I don't enjoy rough camping, having to haul a latrine with me and sleep on the ground. I really hate being cold at night. I get stiff and I hurt and I don't enjoy it. She used the word "dealbreaker" if we can't ever have vacations together doing things that I hate. I'm not thrilled that I have to feel emotionally blackmailed--do something I don't like, or lose my relationship. I do go camping with her, at campgrounds, in a tent where there are restroom facilities available, and I would probably do something I hated to make her happy for a few days, but seven days seems like pure hell to me. I argued that we don't have a lot of extra money to spend on things that make us unhappy; she said that it wasn't very expensive, all we would have to provide would be food for ourselves. I pointed out that *every* dollar we spend is a lot of money for us, and wasting $50 on food for a week during something I don't like is $50 spent on unhappiness, even if we had to eat anyway.

I don't know. I do a lot of things to make other people happy. I hate feeling like I can't just be myself and do things that *do* make me happy.

We "revealed" ourselves to a couple more friends this weekend, and they said they "had their suspicions". We were flabbergasted. We've been a quad for two years, and we haven't been overly secretive. These are friends we see all of the time, and they are good friends with other people who know about us. Weirdness.
 
So, sometimes when I talk to Asha she talks over me. I've actually seen discussions on how certain areas of the country and certain cultures find this normal and acceptable, so I'm not really upset by it, but it makes it difficult for me to communicate with her face-to-face because I was taught that interrupting or talking over someone is rude, and I just can't make myself do it. So in order to communicate the more difficult items I usually e-mail. This is also more effective for me because I sometimes panic when I have to say difficult things in person, and also because it gives me a chance to rethink what I'm saying and watch for intent when I say something.

I sent her an e-mail today about the argument we had, and I think we ironed it out. She didn't mean for it to sound as frightening to me as it did; she was feeling like we had no intention of sharing her love for the outdoors, which is very important to her. I'm kind of getting that she doesn't feel like we think she's important enough to try to share her joy, so I'm trying to address that. She's so independent that sometimes it's hard to ask for that reassurance, ironically.

I also e-mailed Sunday to let him know that I have a problem with not having any time together while Asha is out of town. I haven't heard back. I was very, very careful to keep my tone neutral, but of course e-mails are not ideal in that the reader supplies the tone. If I had said it in person, though, I definitely wouldn't have been very neutral, and I might have abandoned it halfway through if he looked like he was distressed or didn't want to talk about it. I asked him what he pictured our relationship as. I'm sure that I haven't heard back because he's scared to answer, whether because he wants out or because he's afraid he'll make me mad, I don't know. I'm sorry for that, but I felt like not saying anything was setting him up for failure, and I don't want to be disappointed. I want to be realistic.

I'm a little worried that he and I are going to break up, and it will affect the rest of the quad. I still want to have a relationship with Asha. I can be friends with him, I think, but I don't know that I can be around him if things are past a certain level of intimacy. I just don't work that way; I won't be comfortable passing a certain line. But, I'm worrying before I have a reason, so I'm trying to breathe and relax and focus on Easy, who seems to be having a hard time keeping to the changes (for the better) that he's made. And my health, which is not great, and I've been spending the last few nights in pain. Easy said I kept him up all night last night; he said I was whimpering, which I don't remember. I did wake up exhausted.
 
Sunday responded, late last week. I spent a lot of time going around and around about whether I ought to have e-mailed him, but I'm convinced that NOT telling him I would be upset would be a lot like setting him up to fail. He said that he didn't intend to make me feel like he didn't want to spend time with me. In that vein, last Saturday he made sure that he had dinner with us. I've called him almost every day to check on him, and I picked the kids up from school and ran them to after-school activities twice this week.

I called Sunday and told him that I would be available for lunch and near his place of employment yesterday, but he said he was too busy. I was disappointed. Valentine's date has still not happened, with no plans for it to actually happen, though he mentioned it in his e-mail. He did try to set up plans to see us this weekend, though, and it seems like he's making an effort, which I appreciate.

I'm worried about Asha. Her trip is not going well, and I don't think her hosts are making it easy for her to take care of her health.

Easy is a doofus. :) (he's bugging me to log off and pay some attention to him.)
 
Okay, I admit it. I've been hiding out, nursing my sore ego. I just can't deal with Sunday, so I've been avoiding it.

Our Valentine's date never happened. What happened was that the weekend after Asha got back (March 19th/20th) Sunday called and invited us to go out to dinner with them. We were dirt poor, because Easy had been out of work sick, so I told Sunday that we couldn't afford to eat out. Sunday said, "Well, I still owe you a dinner." I hesitated, but it was going to be our only chance to see Asha that weekend, and we really had no money, and it had been over a month since Valentine's so I figured we weren't really going to go on a date anyway. So, my "date" with Sunday ended up being a dinner out with Easy, Asha, Sunday, Ocean, Rockstar and myself. Very romantic. (Now you say, well at least he took you out, Lemondrop. Be grateful.)

I have to admit it, I feel like a thing to him. I feel like a mop or a broom--you keep them around, and you use them, but you don't spend any extra thought or time on them. No one loves a mop or a broom. He calls me when he needs someone to pick the kids up from school, but he doesn't want or need to spend any time with me. I hate feeling like this, and I hate feeling like I can't even say anything to him, because it's not a good time/he has stress from work/he has stress in his marriage/I'm only a secondary and everything else comes first.

So today, and for the next week, I am moving into Sunday and Asha's home to take care of their kids and dogs while they're in England. I keep reminding myself that I'm doing this because I love them, and because I would want someone to do it for me if I ever had the opportunity, but it *is* triggering. I'm having to work very hard to not go into a downward spiral of anger and resentment, BUT I'm going to work hard and I'm GOING to succeed. I chose this. I could have said no and I CHOSE not to. (To be fair, when I looked at Asha and saw the hope in her eyes, I probably couldn't have said no.)

It's triggering because this is how Easy treated me for so many years. He took me for granted, just doing what he wanted to do and assuming that I would take care of the kids and responsibilities 24/7 without a break or help. I see positive changes in the last two years. I think he sees what he was doing and I think he's making an effort. He still does it, but I think he tries to stop himself. (Recently: "I'm going to go tour the beer plant all day with friends." Me: "What are you doing with the kids?" Pause. Him: "Honey, if you don't have any plans, would you mind watching the kids? I'm sorry I didn't ask sooner. I really messed up." Which is a far cry from, "I'm leaving now, don't know when I'll be back, didn't give a thought to you and the kids and family time, and I'll be rude and surly if you call to find out if I'll be home for dinner but I'll be sad and upset if you're not here when I get back.") I was part of the problem in that I allowed it to continue for so long without telling him I had a problem, and I think I'm getting better about that, too.

Easy and I are doing fairly well. I've been trying to encourage him to feel comfortable working on his relationship with Asha, though she hasn't been home much. I don't want him to hold back because he's afraid of hurting me; I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they didn't matter because of me.

I think Asha and I may be improving, actually. I mean, we've always been friends, but lately she's been flirting with me--I *think* it's flirting. People don't flirt with me, and I'm not good at it. Anyway, it gives me hope.
 
Moving into Asha's house didn't work. I have to pick my own kids up from school and deposit them at my house, make dinner for everyone, then go to Asha's house, 40 minutes from my house. People weren't getting to bed on time, homework wasn't getting done. Then I tried staying at my house but driving to Asha's house to let her dogs out. That was even worse, predictably--an hour and a half round trip, then an hour to an hour and a half taking care of her animals. If I do that twice a day, I lose six hours. During the week, people don't get to bed on time, homework doesn't get done. So I brought the dogs back to my house. So far, so bad. The dogs barked all night for no explicable reason. Since Easy works on the phone during the day, this may not work out at all, but we'll have them here for the rest of the weekend because we just don't have the time for anything else. I don't know what the solution is.

I'm in this predicament because I failed to say no when I needed to. I need to remind myself that I have the right to say no, even to people I love, and I need to not over-extend myself to the detriment of my family and my self. If I had said no, at least to the dogs, Asha would have had to find another solution, but there may have been another solution and I don't have to take responsibility for everyone and everything. Overextending myself is bad for all of my relationships because then I feel stressed and build resentment in myself towards the people I love.
 
I saw Sunday for the first time in three weeks yesterday. I was disappointed that he didn't seem to miss me at all. He didn't speak to me at all for the two weeks he was in England, and he barely spoke to me yesterday. Sigh. Asha had assured me that the little bit of focus he gives me shows that he loves me. I know he's out of Ritalin...I know he's jet-lagged...I know he's having trouble with his primary relationship...I feel like putting more pressure on him would be detrimental...I feel like we have no relationship at all...I feel like not saying anything is wrong...I feel like saying something is wrong...I have no idea what to do. <clicks ignore again>

Last weekend, while Sunday was gone, we had our divorcing friend over to Sunday and Asha's house. Long story short, he started getting very friendly with Asha--VERY FRIENDLY, as in licking her arm and sticking his tongue down her throat--and I threw a fit. I told him I wasn't okay with his behavior and that she was *my girlfriend*. Then I spent the rest of the evening apologizing for my behavior. I hate being insecure. It makes me miserable. I know that Asha's a big girl. I know that she could have put a stop to that behavior if she wanted to. I was jealous and it was wrong. <I wish that I could do those things. /end whining> Anyway, the divorcing friend decided that I was just jealous that he wasn't paying attention to me and made an attempt to...show me some attention. I protected myself--I was pretty angry--but my self-esteem took a ding because I know for a fact that he doesn't find me attractive and he was just doing it to shut me up. I've been sad all week. (it was just a contributing factor, along with other things.) We (Easy, Asha, and I) also discussed ending our relationship so that Asha could be a witness for our Divorcing Friend in court if it came to that. That most likely contributed to my jealousy over Divorcing Friend's actions. Not an excuse, but a possible explanation.

I decided that it would be better not to spend the night at Sunday and Asha's house last night, with today being Easter. I wanted my kids to have their Easter morning at home, but mostly I felt like we can't possible match the lavish baskets that Sunday and Asha have for their kids, and I didn't want my kids to feel...well, poor. We're not, but Sunday and Asha have A LOT more discretionary income than we do--like, about five to ten times more discretionary income. I want my kids to grow up knowing that objects don't equal success...but I do feel like a failure sometimes when I compare how much their kids get in presents versus how much our kids get in presents.

So we went up yesterday evening to help prepare the feast that Asha will be serving today, and to dye Easter eggs. It was nice, working as a family and getting the LOADS of work done. I can't believe she goes to so much effort, but I'm thinking it's tied up in her self-esteem to be able to provide fancy home-cooked meals. Plus, Easy likes to cook when he's not feeling pressured to get it done quickly, and when he can experiment. (For example, Asha is serving lavender-infused cream. I've never even heard of such a thing, and I have to wonder, why? Who cares if the cream is lavender-infused? You can't taste the difference. But it makes them ridiculously happy.)

Afterward, I helped the kids dye eggs while the others finished up prep-work and cleaned up. I thought, gee, if there had only been one set of parents here, one would have been doing all of the work while one helped the kids. It seemed like an overwhelming task. There would have been a mountain of dishes (I know I washed the same set of knives and cutting boards three times) and I can't even imagine one person trying to juggle making a pie at the same time as making a trifle at the same time as making bread at the same time as cutting the vegetables. Four sets of hands definitely made the work go faster. I liked being a part of that.

So today we go up for Easter dinner. Appetizers are supposed to hit the counter at 2pm, so I figured we'd better head up there to help do more prep work. :)
 
Easter was very nice for me. There was some stress associated--Asha's best friend and the godfather to her children is in a new relationship, and she feels that he is allowing his NRE to allow her children to be treated as less important. But there was good food and for the most part we were all relaxed. Sunday even unbent enough at one point to share a spontaneous hug with me. He's still exhausted, but it was nice to see him smiling again.

Moose was a little difficult to take for a bit. He keeps getting so wound up that I can't get him to calm down. I could handle it when he was four, but he's sixteen now. What do you do when a sixteen year old is too wild? Then he decided to interfere with my goodbye kiss and hug from Sunday, which I had specifically discussed with Moose. I told him how important it was to me and how I don't get a lot of affection from Sunday except for this goodbye hug and kiss. I guess we're going to have to talk some more. I'm so frustrated; I don't know why I can't seem to get through to him. Lately it's like we don't even speak the same language. I'm lost and I don't have any idea what a good parent would do.

Anyway, the food was excellent, there were a ton of leftovers, and gladly, thanks to four sets of hands, the work was mostly taken care of by the time we had to leave. It seemed almost miraculous, considering the amount of food that had been prepared! (Brined and grilled turkey; rosemary sour cream mashed potatoes, 4 pounds; citrus grilled asparagus; rosemary olive oil brussel sprouts; homemade wheat rolls; rosemary parmesan bread; kalamata olive bread; turkey white wine gravy; blackberry pie; strawberry pie; whipped cream and berry trifle; hand-whipped lavender-infused whipped cream; cherry cheesecake. Everything was made from scratch!) With this much effort on Easter, I have to worry what Christmas will be like, when Asha has guests from out of town. Sometimes I'm extremely tempted to tell my mother that we're hosting Christmas at Asha's house--but I know my mother couldn't behave herself that long.

But...ugh...I keep forgetting that we might be dissolving our relationship before then. Curse that divorce. It's definitely giving me major insecurity and worry.
 
Update

Sunday is monogamous. These days, hugs are few and far between. I had a long period of grief, and I have a hard time not taking it personally, but I try to be philosophical about it.

Asha, Easy and I seem to have settled into a more platonic-type relationship. No one seems to have the energy for more.

Moose is 18, and hopefully growing up some. He often chooses not to be a part of family outings. I find this both normal, and disappointing. He has a steady girlfriend of a year, who I like very much, which means I'm always waiting for them to break up.

All of the other kids are doing fine. They're growing up, and my Monkey is old enough now that she babysits the younger two while we go out and do adult things.

The divorce I was talking about before finally happened, though of course nothing went easily. The husband now hangs out with us a lot, and seems to be becoming part of the family. If I ever blog again, I'll come up with a name for him. :)
 
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