Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Well my period is all over so I am good for another month. Ugh I freaking hate it. The last few months have just been weird in that the amount is so much less. I think I used a total of 8 or so tampons - and only a couple of those ever got saturated. Even overnight! Like, what? I was expecting an ungodly mess because of having to take Plan B, but I guess not.

I ended up switching my schedule around this week because I was concerned that I was going to be away from home too many days in a row. As much as I love spending time with SirGawain and CornFlower, I would still miss my husbands. Plus lately it seems like I can’t manage to get anything done here at the house. Ok - that’s not true. More like I can’t manage to get everything done. Lol

So, I canceled Wednesday night with CornFlower and we met up on Tuesday instead. We managed to have fun in spite of my period - we messed around without penetration anywhere for quite a while and then he put on a condom and finished inside me wearing one. It was fun to be sliding around on each other - he dry humped me from behind for a while - but he is so freaking quiet that it was hard to gauge if he was enjoying himself as much as I was. I had to keep asking him if things were good. How do you make someone understand that they need to be more vocal and forthcoming about what’s going on? It’s awfully strange sometimes. I do ask him, but he’s noncommittal when I seem to most need guidance or reassurance. Not reassurance - that’s the wrong word - like, should I continue putting effort into this position because it’s tiring AF, and if it isn’t doing much, let me know so we can try something more amazing. I don’t mind working it, if it’s actually doing something for my partner, but sometimes I have no idea with him. Especially with blowjobs. Each guy is so different about what they like and how they like it. After a month now and I still have no clue with CornFlower. I know I like him in my mouth though. Lol

Anyway, I spent Tuesday with CornFlower and yesterday I had planned to spend the day at home catching up on cleaning and laundry. I had a list a mile long. Instead, the day got away from me. PunkRock was working the 1 pm to 11 pm shift so I let him sleep when CornFlower dropped me off, and DarkKnight was on a call for work. I got myself some cereal and played a game of Dynasty Warriors before focusing on what I needed to get done. It was actually daunting.

I focused on the Blessing Box and filled it four times before 10 am, and got a couple of things put away. Mostly I fielded messages and someone came to pickup the double stroller I found for them. At 11 I woke PunkRock and since we both had errands to run, I met him while out, for lunch at a Mexican place. After eating I had to go to the UPS store and drop off an Amazon return (broken tray I bought for a special date with CornFlower - fucking replacement tray also arrived broken so I get to go return it AGAIN today. Then I went to snag the momma foster cat from the vet. There was some confusion there and she didn’t get microchipped. I brought her home and she smelled different so her babies were freaking out and hissing st her and she attacked one of them. So that was stressful.

I ended up having to take all of the fosters to the shelter clinic at 2:30, so I was only home for a half hour before I had to get back on the road. All of the kittens got their second round of dewormer and distemper shots, and momma got microchipped. There was a torrential downpour going on so transporting them was not fun at all. The whole thing was like an hour and when I got home, DRkKnight was off of work. He took my car and went to the gym while I got caught up on the Blessing Box again and started laundry - the towels in the cat carriers and the blankets I used to cover those with to shield the cats from the rain.

Brb
 
I wanted to do my own laundry but it never happened. I need to empty my entire closet and get rid of stuff and that’s on the list for today again but it’s not looking too good already!

When a DarkKnight came back from his workout, he got cleaned up and then decided to help me with the rest of my errands for the evening. We met up with PunkRock on his dinner break and ate Arby’s together. PunkRock had volunteered to help paint SirGawain’s office once we get it emptied (that’s my afternoon today) so we talked about that project for a bit. Then PunkRock went back to work, and DK & I went and delivered a brand new walker to an elderly woman in the next town over. After that we did some quick grocery shopping st Walmart, and then I dropped DK off over by the mall Starbucks so he could meet up with some music friends to discuss their Facebook page & website that he runs.

I went back home, unloaded all the groceries in the rain, and then had two pickups - a brand new bike for a six year old girl (oh she was SO happy) and a dad stopped for a crib mattress. I moved over the cat bedding to the dryer and then left to go to the mall because I had a $15 off a $15 purchase coupon. However, by then it was 8:30 pm and DarkKnight texted that he was ready to be picked up so I backed out of the parking space I had just pulled into, and went to snag him.

Back home, I emptied the cat litter boxes on the sun porch and then played with the foster kittens some more - their momma was feeding them all so crisis averted there. Then I climbed into bed and snuggled DarkKnight until 10:30 or so, when PunkRock came home. DK went to sleeep and so went downstairs to snuggle and sleep with PunkRock.

Day done.

Today I am going to spend the morning on Blessing Box stuff and then run out to finally use my mall coupon and then mail that broken tray again. I need to shower and then start laundry (finally) first. Though before any of that I need to go sex up PunkRock because he is medicine free and needs to have an orgasm. Lol I miss him! Maybe we will shower together. Anyway, I have someone coming over later to see the kittens and I want to get the top half of my closet arranged, at least.

In the late afternoon, I am going to SirGawain’s house to start clearing out his office while he is still in Bethesda at work. He made me a key so I can come and go. He did finally sign an offer letter so we are going to go bed shopping but I don’t know if that will be tonight - depends on how I feel after cleaning. I am excited to see him though.
 
I haven’t written in forever. Ugh.

Today I am at SirGawain’s house with PunkRock. It’s PunkRock’s day off but he volunteered to come and spend it painting SirGawain’s office. It’s like this remodel has turned into a family affair. Lol I spent all day yesterday with SirGawain, shopping. We bought SO MUCH STUFF for his office and it’s going to look amazing once it is done. Which hopefully is by the weekend. After painting today we are going to leave it set for a bit but on Thursday I hope to have time to come back during the day and shampoo the carpet, and DarkKnight is going to swap out the outlets and the outlet covers. All of them are fine, just old and shitty looking. THEN we can assemble the new furniture and get the room actually set up.

Things are going well with SirGawain. He makes me happy, and he has been absolutely amazing in bed lately. Like, next level stuff. After he left for work this morning I had to masturbate because I started thinking about the fun we had the night before. Lol
 
I spent last night with SirGawain. When PunkRock was painting on Monday, we noticed that one of SirGawain’s cats was limping and it had to go to the vet on Tuesday. I was really concerned because she like 17 years old. Apparently she has a torn muscle poor baby. I stayed over to see her - I brought her two new cat beds - and then SirGawain and I went bed shopping. He ended up buying a mattress set and I am so very happy! He got a free mattress cover and two free pillows, once which was for me. :)

It’s interesting. All of this house work feels like nesting and I am really enjoying the closeness it is fostering between SirGawain and I. He’s taking up a lot of my time this week, but I feel good about that. He makes me happy.

That said - gah! We had Momma Rosemary of our current fosters get fixed and she is now in residence at the shelter. So we have her four babies, and then today we got NINE more. They are super cute and they’re on track to be adopted out by the end of the month.

I haven’t seen CornFlower this week and I am missing him. He messaged me yesterday and he seemed upset when he realized that I was seeing so much of SirGawain this week. I think it made him feel out of sorts and a little inadequate. I tried to reassure him but he actually asked me if I would be happier with him as a platonic friend rather than a boyfriend. I was like, wtf? Totally out of nowhere. Basically he feels like he is so shitty in bed that I am not going to give him any time. Or that I shouldn’t. I am not sure what is up with that. Each of my guys is different, and I like that. We definitely need to have a discussion.
 
Things are not good. Well, that’s not globally true. Some things are okay.

I spent Wednesday night with my polycule, and we played trivia at Barefoot Bernies together as a team. “It’s Complicated” took first place y’all! I was so happy - everyone had crappy answers and amazing answers - no one person was carrying the team, so that was good. DarkKnight told me he was impressed with CornFlower. I fucked up a bonus question and so our team went into the last question in last place, but PunkRock knew the final answer so we ended up in first place! Every other team guessed incorrectly. Everyone clapped for our comeback!

CornFlower says he wants to play regularly with everyone, and surprisingly enough, PunkRock was enthusiastic about the idea. DarkKnight was rather noncommittal but I think he will join in once the next season starts. I don’t think SirGawain will ever be able to make it on time - he arrived from work and we were on the last half of the game already. I don’t think it would be something he’d want to do after driving all that way every week. Still, I am feeling upbeat about the idea, that’s for sure.

CornFlower has been booking me for dates further out, just like with the trivia idea. He has paid for a National’s game in September (this was PunkRock’s idea, but CornFlower was very interested in going) and he sent me a link to get tickets to see the original Transformers animated movie next month in the theater. (DarkKnight is going to that with us.) He has also expressed interest in going to the Ren Faire with DarkKnight and I in September/October. So that’s cool. I feel like he is interested in me long term and that makes me feel good. He’s also upgraded his shower head for me, and this week he bought a full length mirror for his bathroom since I complained that I hate dressing without one.

So all of those things are really positive. However, I am very confused about where I stand with him. I didn’t see him alone for a solid week, even though he seemed upset about it. I gave him a couple of opportunities to come and see me and go out, but both times he declined. One time he said he was going to go straight home to sleep but then sent me pictures of his treasure hunt finds at a local retailer. So that was like, what?

I wrote earlier about how he asked me if we’d be better off platonic. Well, this weekend we had zero sex. Nada. He barely kisses me hello, no romantic touches. I injured my foot (extensor tendinitis) so I was stuck on his couch most of the day, and rather than snuggle me and watch movies as planned, he spent 3 solid hours searching for a specific toy part in his Rubbermaid bins. I would have seriously been anywhere else - I was bored out of my skull watching YouTube videos and being on Reddit. When he finally finished building his new model, his cat hacked up a hairball on his one couch, so I sat alone on the other while we watched Wonder Woman. It wasn’t until the final 20 minutes that we were next to each other. I felt extraneous, rejected and yeah, my foot fucking hurt. So that made me emotional.

I told him that night that it wasn’t going to work out if he continued to make me feel like I wasn’t welcome. He was very contrite about the 3 hours he spent looking for parts - he said his autism sometimes, a lot of times, makes him hyper focused and he honestly had zero clue that it had been that long. He said he loves me and I guess he didn’t realize he was fucking up? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like he enjoys being part of my polycule more than he enjoys being with me. It’s not a good feeling. I told him that attachment-wise, he was definitely blowing it and I could not make this work if things continued in the same fashion. Because of my background, I NEED physical touch.

The other thing that’s putting me off me with him is that he continually tells me that we need to go Dutch when we go out. No big deal, but then he will do this weird bargaining thing where he will work out that I need to pay for him too. We ordered in pizza and wings last night, and I had a free coupon for the pizza. He can’t eat pizza at all, so I figured I would cover the tip, at most. Instead I ended up spending $35 for the tip, the delivery fee and his 18 pack of wings (I did eat 3 of them because, well, I fucking paid almost $40.) This happens more often than not. He said his money was tight since he bought me the mirror. Which was $12. Yeah, um, that’s not even remotely equivalent. But he always brings it up as I am ordering or paying and then I feel compelled to shell out the cash. Which I don’t mind doing, just not AFTER I already budgeted for our 2 days together, you know?

As much as I like CornFlower, there are beginning to be some serious issues that I am not going to overlook because I can’t. I am becoming overwhelmed with trying to juggle 4 lovers, my Blessing Box, class planning, running a household with 6 cats (soon to be 8 because we’re adopting a blind kitten and a seeing eye partner) and 13 fosters. Like, fuck. I am stressed a great deal. I am willing to make things work with the right partners, but if CornFlower isn’t giving me what I need then it won’t be worth the chaos. I am hoping that after our talk last night things will improve. I really find him extremely intelligent, witty - hilarious even, attractive and earnest. We click on a lot of levels. I’m just really, really confused about what he’s thinking and how he is acting. Like, the lack of physical connection really threw me. But if he’s not into me, then why make all those long term plans?

I have to give him mad props for helping me with my foot though - he supplies me with Advil, let me borrow his shoes when we went out (our foot sizes are compatible!) and took care of keeping me comfortable. So that was very nice.

I will write more separately - this is getting long.
 
Things with SirGawain are amazing. My feelings for him have caught up and I definitely love him. I told him last night and I could see him hitch a little and he was so happy. I wanted to tell him earlier, but I kept having emotional hiccups in my head. I’m not sure why it was so easy to say to CornFlower but not to SirGawain.

The office redecorating is going great. It’s now looking almost like a real finished room. Lol He has finally agreed that the hideous blue chair isn’t working and he’s going to replace it. This opens up more accessory opportunities and options for art. The man does not have a single thing hung up on his walls, except for a calendar, in the entire house. Neither does CornFlower. Dudes are whack.

The bedroom cleanup hasn’t really started yet, but we went furniture shopping yesterday and the bed frame set we were looking at a couple weeks ago was on sale. Previously it was $1400 for just the headboard/footboard, but there was a 60% off flash sale so he ended up buying it, two nightstands, a dresser and a media center for a little more than that. It was a complete no brainer! We don’t know when it will be delivered, but more than likely after the mattress and boxsprings arrive on Sept 1. I am hoping to go out to his place at least once this week to start moving things out of the bedroom.

I am enjoying helping him with his house.

I am enjoying the sex too. He gets me so fucking hot - lots of foreplay where he’s just teasing me. I got some spankings because I left my diaphragm at CornFlower’s house. It felt so very good! (The diaphragm thing wasn’t a huge issue since I always use condoms with SirGawain. It’s more of a backup method.)

I was a little emotional yesterday though. My foot was hurting on and off and lately I’ve been teary for no damn reason. Well, it’s probably stress related, but anyway. I noticed a big bite mark on the back of SirGawain’s arm and I was upset about it. We had talked when we were dating previously about other partners not leaving marks, and when I brought that up he was like, oh, well, I suppose it couldn’t have been helped, and said that he had scratches too. I spent a good 15 minutes trying to calm myself because I don’t know why. He has his other girlfriend and a FWB, but having someone else’s marks like, in my face, when he’s supposed to be my Dom and it just highlights that he’s also someone else’s sub. It bothers me a great deal. I decided to talk to him about it and he was confused for a short while before informing me that he hasn’t been with either of his other partners, and that it was all from me, the previous week.

Then I remembered that he had been trying to restrain me and I bit him. So I was upset over my own marks! But then I was still upset because I don’t want to be marking him up either - I think the respect should go both ways. I’m going to try and work on thinking about this, but I do think it’s still a hard limit for me. I actually didn’t like seeing the marks I had left on him even when I knew they were mine. It made me feel slightly ill.

We spent the evening last night at the gaming club and we closed the place down since everyone has been gone at Pennsic, and he’s still the key holder for now. We were alone there but there was no funny business - we snuggled on the couch and watched Moana. Lol After that we went back to his place and we had good sex (mentioned above).
 
Ugh! So much is going on and I don’t have time to update, but then I come here and I feel like I should have written a million times. I guess, just know that you’re missing out on a lot of reading. Lolol

At the moment I am out with CornFlower, heading to someplace in Virginia to eat at a specialty wing place. He’s having me guess who’s singing different t versions of Helter Skelter. He was over last night and he and DarkKnight and I played a 4-difficulty scenario of Mansions of Madness, which was fun.
 
Facebook Memories can be a bitch sometimes.

My Facebook post from two years ago: I think it is good, moving forward, to be flexible in my openness and thoughts of the future, but I will not ever again allow myself to become attached to someone who asks for the moon but has zero experience with flying a spaceship.

Honesty time.

Re-reading that makes me nervous about myself. I don’t know how to pilot either.

I was in therapy for several months after I broke up with WarMan. I waited over a year before trying to date again. I became involved with someone who had been poly their entire adult life, but I spent our short, three month relationship terrified that he was gaslighting me and anxious that if I showed any real feelings, he’d take them and twist them into shapes I couldn’t maintain.

So I broke up with him. 8 more months of therapy. Now I’m back with him because he loved me, in spite of all the hurt I heaped on him from when I wasn’t healed. Thank you for giving me another chance, SirGawain. (He doesn’t currently read my journal, but it’s important that I write that even if he doesn’t ever.)

I don’t like being actively introspective, because I end up feeling inadequate and, well, less than. I’m overweight (grossly so right now), I never finished my education, I’ve got attachment issues that went to fuck all even more after I dated WarMan. I’ve got huge amounts of anxiety from my dental problems. My ankles are still hideous.

Despite all that, I am worthy of love. In my wedding vows to DarkKnight is the line “you taught me that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.” I’m not sure now if that’s true. I’m still learning the lesson, again and again.

My current relationships are all over the place.

DarkKnight is still DarkKnight. He’s steadfast, strong, completely and deeply in love with me. Every year that goes by, I am amazed at his love. It’s a physical creature - I can feel it settled over and snuggling me like a blanket. I will never be worthy of him. Never in a million years. I am inadequate, but yet he sees me as whole. He accepts every one of my flaws but guides me to become better. This man is amazeballs.

PunkRock - I continue to feel like I am fucking up our life together. He’s my person, but I can’t ever seem to fully trust that he’s in it for the long haul. I can’t believe that this wonderful man wants ME. He has a sleeve tattoo of me, as a mermaid, but when I think of him I feel like I’m just beginning to swim. Our energy is unmistakable, our love is fierce, but I can never get out of my own head for very long - I do focus on all of my negatives when I am with him, wondering why he chose me and continues to choose me. I don’t deserve the happiness he brings into my life. He’s incredible.

CornFlower is a work in progress. Though I started off this entry with a Facebook reminder that I need experienced partners, here I am with a guy who hasn’t ever really attempted poly. That fact makes me nervous when I dwell on it. I can’t even accidentally equate him with WarMan though - he’s been increasingly honest, sharing parts of his not-so-pretty past with me. I feel our relationship is being built on a foundation of openness. I want that. We’ve been together a little over a month, but I don’t feel like we are working toward a breakup. It feels like we are setting down stability. He’s wonderful.

And then there is SirGawain. Sometimes when I am with him, I’m like REALLY? Other times it couldn’t feel more right. I had him go through a list of questions I asked my husbands (and my daughter) a few years ago, just to see where we stood, and his answers were very informative. (I will have to write a second post about that later.) He said he felt the thing I liked most about him was the sex we have. That isn’t even remotely true. I mean, I love the sex we have, as it’s completely different than any other dynamic I am involved with right now, but I don’t see that as the main focus of why I care about him. I think some of it is the way I catch him looking at me, and the way I catch myself looking at him. It’s like, we are both excited that the other even exists. It’s kinda cool. He’s astonishing.
 
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I hate not posting everyday because I have so much going on - I am missing documenting fun things!

Let me see...last night CornFlower came over for bacon blue burgers with my husbands and I, and then we played Settlers of Catan. I hadn’t played in a while so that was fun. CornFlower has never played it and he ended up winning. Lol At one point I called SirGawain on speaker phone as we were all joking around. It felt right to include him.

My life continues to be busy and nutters. I plan on taking a break from fostering kittens for a bit after this current batch is gone. My classes start next week and I still have a lot of prep work to do but I can’t manage to fit it into my day yet!
 
Holy fuck. I have NEVER been fucked in the ass like that. That was straight up body slamming and it was complete bliss for me. Hats off to SirGawain! (And all my clothes too. Lol) It was amazing. OMG. There is zero chance I could survive that on a regular basis but as wonderful as it felt, I kinda wanna try! Apparently he had been thinking about me today.
 
Ugh. I wrote a long post, got distracted and then came back and the screen was wiped. FML seriously.

Overall things continue to be good. My schedule has been hectic and this week looks to be doubly so.

My 18 year old nephew drove down to a Maryland from NY by himself so we have been keeping him entertained for several days. He is going back North later today. I am going to miss him because he is pretty much my favorite human.

All but 2 of my foster kittens are being fixed on Thursday and that date can’t come fast enough. Half of the 14 came down with calicivirus and had issues walking and stopped eating. Every morning and evening it’d take an hour just to administer medication and shots. PunkRock did SO much work. Right now we’ve only got one kitten on Clavamox for an upper respiratory infection and that seems like such a relief after so many days of the other! One top of the meds it takes about another hour to clean, so we are talking 4 hours a day dedicated to these little floofs! Yeah, they need to grow up and go away. Lol Oh I love them to pieces but I really don’t have big blocks of time anymore! Also they cost about $80 a week to feed them and keep them in clean litter. My budget needs a break too!
 
I am seriously overscheduled lately but there isn’t much I can do about it. I have spent this week driving to and from Frederick to help SirGawain clean his house up enough so that he could get new bedroom furniture delivered. Right now his office and master bedroom are looking decent, and his entryway and stairway are clear, but the rest of his townhouse is hoarded up. He gets annoyed when I say he’s a hoarder, but he seriously lives in squalor. He likes to say he is just lazy, and while that is definitely true it is also much more than that. At first I would have said he doesn’t have much attachment to all of the trash as he has been enthusiastic about cleaning it up, but I have noticed more and more that he does in fact get anxious and upset about things being done.

Overall I have unearthed $1200+ hiding in his piles of trash, in both cash and gift cards - and that’s just in two rooms. A little over $400 was in Borders gift cards - which, well, Borders closed several years ago and the gift cards aren’t worth anything at all now. We are going to have some fantastic dates soon, lol. I actually kept all the gift cards because he will set them down and they’ll get buried again. We spent some already - $150 to bed Bath & Beyond bought new king size sheets, a new bath mat and 4 bath sheets. $40 to Home Depot got him a picture hanging kit and some weed killer for his front lawn which is being choked by poison ivy. He has 3 dates worth of free movies coming soon and $150 to use on Ticketmaster - we are going to go see Cirque du Soleil, which is on my bucket list. So it hasn’t been all drudgery- we are both going to benefit. Lol

CornFlower asked me the other day what I would do if I spent al this time cleaning up with SirGawain, only to have him break up with me. I told him it would suck, but not because I would feel bad about having helped him. Breakups are terrible regardless. I wouldn’t feel bad for helping him improve his living conditions, and I wouldn’t regret it. Then I told him that he had been with his ex wife and created two children, so wasn’t that worse? Lol He conceded the point.

CornFlower and I are doing well. His cat is liking me more and more so that is also a positive. CornFlower has been making an effort to see me in spite of my hectic schedule - he stopped at my house after work on Monday and Tuesday, and ended up having dinner with DarkKnight and I on Monday (DarkKnight had made a beef brisket in his smoker) and went out to a Mexican place on Tuesday with PunkRock, DarkKnight and I. It still is interesting to me that PunkRock seems to really get along with him and laughs at almost everything he says.

CornFlower has also been updating his place but on a smaller scale. His apartment just is slightly messy and is normal for the most part - he’s just adding things to make it a little nicer. He bought a memory foam bath mat to go with the new shower head I suggested, and he got me a long charging cable for my phone so I can continue to be connected while in bed. He also has been buying board games and planning dates with me to come over and play them. He stayed a short while back and played Catan for the first time with DarkKnight, PunkRock and I, and enjoyed it, so this weekend he paypal’d me $20 and I stopped at Barnes & Noble, where he had asked me to pick up Catan Rivals, which is a two player card version for us to try. (I have to say it is a great game!) So anyway, he is taking an initiative and that has been really great.

Anyway, he’s good at making me feel welcome and wanted.

PunkRock has me twisted right now, currently. He has stopped initiating sex and though I brought back info from my therapist for him, he didn’t talk to his doctor about things at his appointment this week. I feel unattractive when with him and unwanted. That said, he has been overachieving when it comes to helping me with my day to day - he spent two nights in a row assisting with the Blessing Box. We have been watching Futurama together, as I have never seen it. We adopted a blind kitten together and he’s been busy making sure she is safe in the basement suite and he adores Calliope already! We are calling her Poppy (the nickname for Calliope) and she is doing great! Right now we are looking for a similarly-aged companion for her - we may be getting a kitten soon but we are waiting for her health issues to be worked out, as the baby girl has a messed up leg and it may be amputated. Helping animals with disabilities is PunkRock’s dream, more so than fostering the heaps of kittens that we have been doing, so I am happy that we are finally working toward realizing that.

The fosters I have right now - all 14 of them - will be moving out over the next few weeks, as I have adoptions now on the schedule. I will be taking a much needed break from fostering after this group and that should help my schedule a LOT.

DarkKnight and I are doing great though I find myself missing him a bunch. He picks up so much slack and allows the things I am working on to be successful! Like when I am out on a date with SirGawain, he makes sure the kittens are fed.Oh! I have a super cute pic of him to share. Let me post this before it disappears and then i will continue with the pic if I can get it to work!
 
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God, he is so fucking attractive to me! I took this pic of DarkKnight yesterday before I left to spend the night with CornFlower. He was on his way to walk down to City Park, to attend the Washington Goes Purple kickoff event in our town. PunkRock painted the Blessing Box Purple last night, and we upgraded the doors to Plexiglass with $180 in donations. That’s debuting today. Anyway, we are participating in this endeavor to raise awareness of opioid abuse. I couldn’t go to the rally, so DarkKnight went to show support.

Like I said, he’s incredibly amazing. <3 <3

I have been under a lot of stress with my Invisalign lately. I haven’t been switching my trays on schedule and if I take them out to eat, I start having MASSIVE amounts of anxiety about putting them back in my mouth. I can’t explain it, I just start having a breakdown. I can’t handle it anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. I talked about it a little bit with my therapist last visit, but I need to make it a Focus when I see him this week. Actually, I am out of funds to continue any more this year with him, and that sucks ass. I really need to find a coping mechanism for this whole process.

I really feel like my health is declining recently - I am back up to my highest weight ever and feel like a balloon. I am incredibly unattractive and having all sorts of issues from it. My acid reflux is back with a vengeance and it makes me miserable. I injured my foot a short while ago by tightening up my sandals - my right foot has extensor tendinitis which will juuuust about heal up before I overtax myself and walk too much and then it is back to square one. I’m supposed to not walk on it for a week which is a fucking joke. No way is that happening! Both PunkRock and I need to go back on a low carb diet - sometime today I am supposed to go grocery shopping and get us back on track for starting that next week.
 
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I am so drained emotionally I don’t even know where to start. My car is fucked. I owe $9000 and have 3 years left to go on it and the transmission just blew up. It’s $4200 to repair and because it’s a CVT transmission, only ONE independent shop was even willing to work on it and their quote was more than the dealer. I don’t have $4200. It’s over warranty. Fuck fuck fuck. Just had it towed to get an actual written quote but it’s shitty, for real.
 
Have you checked to be sure there has not been any recall on the car? Wrecked transmission seem extreme if the car is not terribly old. The dealer might well not mention it.

Leetah
 
The CVT transmission is shit. There have been lawsuits and Nissan actually extended the original warranty on new cars to further cover the issue. So hopefully they can see that extending the warranty in this case should also happen!

We applied for financing from the dealer on the repair and we were approved,but it’s still not a great situation. I want to pay it off as soon as possible and this is just a shitty thing to have happen. I carpet-bombed Nissan corporate asking for assistance so hopefully I hear something next week.

It’s been terrible not having a car this week. I haven’t seen SirGawain and I feel incredibly disconnected from him. CornFlower has been stopping by after work and we’ve been able to spend time together no problem, but SirGawain works in Bethesda so he’s the opposite direction from where I am, during the day. And then he doesn’t get home until after 7 pm most days so we haven’t been able to meet up.

CornFlower came over yesterday morning and helped me transport all of my foster kittens to the shelter for shots, and while I was processing paperwork there, he went off and shaved his head! That was interesting! I wasn’t expecting it - he’s not even a little bit bald naturally. It was actually kind of shocking to me. His hair is great - he just needed a trim. Also, honestly, it brings a lot of focus to his ears which are goofy looking. Lol He actually still looks adorkable, but with those, having hair is a better look. None of my dudes listen to me when it comes to their hair. Lol

Anyway, we ended up having to drive back and forth with kittens, to lunch, back to process adoptions, and then we had a date at the new arcade in town. I wrecked him at SkeeBall. (Ok maybe not that hard, but I was consistently 5,000 points more than him each game.) It was a fun time, for real. He was very excited to go with me - we will definitely be back. I had forgotten my diaphragm, so we had to swing back by my house to get it and then we went to dinner and had breakfast at IHOP. We played dominoes, watched some Ultimate Beastmaster on Netflix and just enjoyed each other’s company.

I apparently hurt his feelings in the morning, as he was 10 minutes late picking me up with the kittens. I was frustrated because being punctual is so important to me, and in this case, 5 of my kittens had to catch a ride to an adoption event, and the people transporting were not able to wait. So I was anxious when he didn’t show and when I texted him that, he took it as I was disappointed in him and would probably break up with him?! I was just venting my frustration, but I can see how he read the tone wrong. We worked it out, and my kittens made their pick up window, as the people doing the transport were running just as late. Whew!

I am feeling a little out of sorts this morning - CornFlower will be taking me to see SirGawain in a while. CornFlower sees his kids on Sundays and today is no exception. They live in Frederick real close to SirGawain, so dropping me off isn’t an issue. A friend is going to take me home Monday, so I don’t have to miss out seeing SirGawain. I am really beginning to feel disconnected to him - it’s been a week and I feel weird. This is what always happens, so I am pushing through. Or trying to push through. SirGawain messaged me this morning that he has a 3 hour+ D&D game today which IS a surprise, and so was like, uh, you realize I might not get to see you again for another week? And he said he is going to skip it. I have to say it felt kinda shitty to even have that conversation over text. I’m not sure where to go with that entire exchange.

Honestly, we need to do something dating-related soon or I am thinking this isn’t going to work. His new bed is being delivered this morning, so I am interested in trying that out but we need to connect outside of the bedroom and working on his house. I am not sure if I wrote about the issue we had, but his new bedroom furniture was delivered on time but Mattress Warehouse straight up lied to him over the phone and his mattress and boxspring did not show up as scheduled. We found out the delivery people never put it on the truck last weekend, and they tried to say that we weren’t there to accept delivery. They ended up giving him a free $700 queen set with frame, as I went nuclear on the manager over the phone. He was horrified that the delivery company had straight up lied - and it was provable that they had, so he offered to give us this new bed to keep, so we would have a bed in this week we were waiting now for the mattress set we ordered to be delivered for real. Of course we took it. It was brand new. Lol SirGawain and I couldn’t get it up the stairs on our own though, and there was no where to put it anyway - his King bed was set up and his current full bed was blocking the other side of the room. So I took it home, and DarkKnight ended up keeping it. Lol

DarkKnight’s bed was actually PunkRock’s memory foam full size, which is actually still quite new (eh, like 5 years old) but I have always hated it because it’s waaaay too soft for me. This new memory foam was less poofy and a queen, so in my opinion it was a step up, even if it was a cheaper bed! DarkKnight said it was fine, so we swapped it out. His full size bed we gifted to someone through the Blessing Box. The frame wasn’t needed, so that went to another Blessing Box family. So I guess I am mollified a little bit because several people did benefit from the delivery company being dipshits. But anyway, the actual new king size bed is supposed to be delivered today. We will see.

But the bed aside, I am just feeling like SirGawain and I need to do something fun together that isn’t shopping for his house, or cleaning his house, or dealing with furniture.
 
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Living without a vehicle I can drive is nonsense. This weekend was shit.

SirGawain’s bed delivery was fucked up again but it did finally get there seven hours late. He was mad as hell but then we ended up having to go and put his cat to sleep so he was incredibly upset and depressed all Sunday. While we were in the vet office, my son called and he was in an accident which totaled his car.

So yeah, no fun date day for SirGawain and I. We did have dinner at the diner with his FWB, who I liked a lot. We’ve friended each other on Facebook and I am digging her. We had a really good conversation over dinner and kinda excluded SirGawain because we were hooked in to each other. Lol He left to use the bathroom at one point and yeah, she is dating a different person than I have seen.

She said that SirGawain is very closed off with his emotions and though they’ve been together for a decade, she often doesn’t know much about what is going on in his life. He keeps her at arms length she feels; he doesn’t want to let anyone in at all that isn’t his other long term girlfriend. I was like, uhhhhhh. He is COMPLETELY open with me, even when he was trying to hide his feelings last Fall - that’s why I dumped him, because they were plain to see and I was such a mess about it. I felt really bad almost from the get go with her about that. I think she would love to be his primary or at least more involved in his life but he isn’t letting her. A couple of times she mentioned to him that she wanted to see him Monday night - so tonight - and he was very noncommittal and kind of blew her off. He has never been so blasé with me so I was surprised by that. He wasn’t rude but it was something I definitely felt he was meh about by both his words and actions.

Oh, and her and I were in complete agreement - his long term girlfriend is a complete piece of shit for not showing up to help SirGawain with his cat. He messaged her about it and she just said sorry. She didn’t offer to come be there at the vet or to come hold his hand as give hugs - nothing. I couldn’t believe that myself. One hundred percent - if I had been home and he texted me that, I would have called and spent $30 on an Uber to get to him. We were both shocked that she didn’t make him a priority. I mean, she doesn’t usually anyway, but this was not ok.

Late last night when things had calmed down I told him I felt really angry at her for that and he didn’t say much. He was quiet. He said she probably thought that I had it covered and she wasn’t needed. I was like - that’s a terrible excuse. She didn’t text me and ask if I had it covered, and she didn’t ask you if you needed her, she just said sorry. And that’s not supportive when you are actively in the experience. More silence for quite a while

He then said really low that he wished she had been there at the vet.

Ugh. I know it bothered him at the time and I know it bothered him after. I have been trying my best to shut the fuck up about how badly she treats him - not as a priority at ALL - but this I was so riled up about, I had to say something. His FWB says that she is sick over his relationship with this other chick sometimes. She thinks it’s toxic for him. I have to agree, but I kinda feel like it will run it’s course on its own. Like clearly he will recognize st some point that she treats him like trash and doesn’t give him any time of day at all. He continually makes excuses but they are getting thinner.
 
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I had a shit week. Life just continued to be garbage. For a while I was really afraid that I would never get my happy back. I am no good at sadness and depression - it just doesn’t suit me. I felt so not me, but there were so many overwhelming negatives going on. To top it off, PunkRock and I started having issues - it’d been so long that we’d had sex, that I started not being able to relate to him at all. I was wonky as fuck, and crying all the time. We had several late night conversations where I was seriously terrified that I wouldn’t be able to fix my messed up head. We were at cross purposes.

Now though, it’s the weekend and things are somewhat better. I should have my car back by Wednesday next week and we are going to have to pay about $500 cash to make it happen, and we’ve financed the rest of the $3000 repair. This makes me feel sick overall, but we didn’t have a choice. I need my vehicle! PunkRock and I got our hearts realigned and we are good. I got a brand new cello for a middle schooler living in section 8 housing donated. I only have 3 kittens left in my foster room - one has a family but he has a week to go on medication, one needs more lives before I can let him go because he is feral AF and the other has been sick but he’s almost ready to go. All
Of the other kittens have been adopted.
 
Hi, Bluebird. Sorry things have been so shitty for you lately. I just wanted to stop by and say I really admire the effort you continuously make on behalf of other people and animals, even when your own life feels like it's in disarray. Things will pick up soon, I'm sure.
 
Thanks. I know I’m helping people, so it makes the disorganization and stress worth it.

I got stuck in Frederick today, as PunkRock changed his work schedule but didn’t update the calendar. Thankfully, a friend I haven’t seen in a while was in town, and she stopped and picked me up to bring me home from SirGawain’s house. Now that I am home though, OMG the crazy! We had an insane amount of donations dropped off over the weekend and I’m just at a loss as to where to start. I have a deadline in my head though, because I teach tomorrow and I need to be able to figure out what it needed for class before then! I can’t focus on my course supplies until the table is cleared of Blessing Box stuff. Gah!
 
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